I am coming out of a full-blown shutdown. (Good news it didn’t last as long as in the past.) I completely lost my words, was overwhelmed with emotions, and unable to think clearly. I am still working through my Faking Happy II post. It is a partial reason for my shutdown. The thoughts and evaluating relationships in my life was too much to handle. Another reason is the fact that I have to redefine what relationships mean to me. It is a very hard concept since I have only taken (most of the time) what I stumbled upon in relationships. I had no clear understanding that I could control who was in my life or how other people treated me. Many times I accepted people at face value, assuming that they did the same for me.
I accepted whatever people into my life without question.
I was under the impression that if they liked me or showed some sort of interest than we were friends. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wrong that type of thinking is the past few days. In my last post I shared the Proust Questionnaire, and as I went through them I realized that I have shared a lot of these things about myself on this blog. I have been quite open on here without realizing it, there is still a lot more to me. I have my various hidden interests that I do not share a lot of because…well I would get too obsessive and the whole blog would turn into a special interest blog. I cannot allow myself to do that anyway because too much of my favorites things can make me disconnect from the real world. I have to keep a nice balance.
Ok, to the point of my title.
I never really thought of me having “crushes” on people per sa. I defined it strictly under physical attraction only. I tend to find people attractive, but not think much of it. I am too busy thinking of other things like what are they thinking about??? Who cares if they look great tell me what is going inside their head! I understand the premise of a crush from other people’s terms, but for me the emotional attachment that I get toward objects, songs, words, and/or characteristics in people is an intense emotion that I only know how to describe in the word crush. In recent months David has brought to my attention the many times I say how much I like someone, such as actors, musicians, chefs, scientists, mathematicians on and on. It does not matter if they are dead or alive I am crushin’ on them. Actually, I am not “crushin’” on them I am extremely attracted to their ideas, accomplishments, lives that they led or do lead. I am intrigued by their humor, their studies of interest, their words, and the aspects of who they are.
David has pointed out however, the numerous bald men that I seem to be attracted to.
I never knew I had such a pull toward bald men, but indeed I do. Most of them are not partially bald they are completely bald…usually or at least shave for the most part. (Tidbit “bald” in German means soon or shortly.) There are certain characteristics that are distinctive with each person. I choose to profess my liking for these people because they are normally very gentle in spirit, but passionate about things, they are thinkers, care deeply about right and wrong, are humorous, but still serious about this world, and they have multiple interests. There is more, but I will limit it to that. I must add here that the reason for my expressing my likes for people is a big deal because in the past I have not been able to. I found it very difficult for some reason. In recent months I have, and it is not limited to men. There are women I adore as well who hold the same characteristics. In most people this is a natural flow. They know who they like or admire, and why without much thought.
I have to think about why I like the person, and what the “feelings” are that I have for them.
I have been in relationships with people I could not stand, but I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought about them not being good for me or me not being good for them. I have one person who is a family friend that I do not enjoy at all. The conversations they have are shallow, and fluffy. If it is not a frivolous conversation, then they turn it into what feels like gossip to me. They have confused me and made me feel icky every time I have been in contact with them. I have chosen to stay away from them because I either cause them great stress with my constant “Why are you saying that about them?” or “Well you can’t make that judgment without knowing what they are going through.” comments. It causes me to loop for days after I have been around them, questioning if I was wrong or if they were wrong.
It doesn’t matter we are not a good fit for anything more than a “Hi” and “Bye” relationship.
I jokingly told David that I was going to write a post about the people that I have crushes on. I later thought that it actually may be beneficial. He said: “Oh, I wondered why you had Patrick Stewart pulled up on the iPad.” Ok, I admit it I used to be a Star Trek: The Next Generation fan. (I know I said in the past that I was not a fan of Star Trek, I was referring to the original.) I watched it because I thought Captain Jean-Luc Picard was awesome! I admired Patrick Stewart as an actor as well. The actors that I tend to admire seem to be British and Shakespearean. They also tend to do a wide range of roles. I do have a thing for Kevin Spacey I talk about him a lot. I also am quite fond of David Suchet and Colin Firth. They all hold characteristics that I admire, they are deeply involved in their causes, and they are very quiet about their personal life. Not to mention all of them are funny. (Look up “Patrick Stewart on Extras” on Youtube)
I think so anyway.
I have other people like Joe Bastianich he said the best quote “I was born to manipulate grapes.” He owns wineries. You can watch him here on Jimmy Fallon. I do like Gordon Ramsey too. Hee hee I confess that many of the people that I have crushes on are blunt, direct, and passionate about what they do, and love. I also noticed that they are not mean or rude. Nick Cave would be another person that I have a great fondness for. Some of them can come across as abrasive or rude, but when you read about their lives it is rich with stories that can move you.
I have shared some of the other people that I admire in my post “The Moon is Reaching for Me”.
I am very fond of Carla Bruni, and Martha Graham as well. I am not limited to my crushes — I am having a lingering crush on Dr. David Eagleman. I am currently reading his book as well titled SUM. It is 40 stories of possible outcomes for the afterlife, all fictional and quite entertaining along with thought provoking. I got a little freaked out by some questioning if I am living in my afterlife right now?! I wrote a story about the moon being my friend the other day, and found it quite interesting that I discovered this TEDxHouston with Dr. David Eagleman today. He uses the picture that helped inspire my story and explains very well what I was trying to express through fiction. I find it fascinating what was discovered by the Hubble deep field experiment. I had been looking at the Hubble deep field pictures for a month before I wrote the story.
Maybe I crush on stars too?
Dr. David Eagleman is a neuroscientist who specializes in the study of time perception and Synesthesia. I have been following him for over a year now. Through him I also discovered The Long Now Foundation which I find very interesting as well. I could on, but I am sure that this may not be making any sense to anyone else other than me. My point, I do not have clear distinctions between my everyday feelings. I have been confused as to how to express love, hate, indifference, sadness, etc… I feel like my brain has gathered up some of these people that I would say I have a “crush” on because I am not sure how else to describe it. It gives me clear characteristics that I look for in people, but that I have not looked for in relationships in my real life. Or I have, but somehow ended up with people completely opposite.
As I write these out I see how I have managed to seek out people like this on the internet.
I have found some wonderful friends online who I feel posses these qualities, but not in the physical. I have tried, but then felt wrong or like I was being too hard on people. Another thing I did was try to challenge people to carry more of these characteristics that I like. If they didn’t I felt like they were rejecting me somehow. I am still processing all of this. I was not being very accepting of who they were because I saw so much more in them. However, if people are satisfied with who they are and where they are at I need to accept that. I need to evaluate my ability to be able to accept that, possibly I cannot because the potential I see in them is too much for me to bear.
I may love their potential, but not them.
I know that can sound horrible, but it’s reality. If I am unable to accept someone fully it is only fair to let go and let them have relationships that will. I say that for me as well, if they cannot accept me and only love the potential of what they would like me to be, well that is not very accepting. We have to be willing to accept people as they change or do not change as long as it is not a damaging relationship. I believe this has been a large source of my social anxiety. I am filled with anxiety because I have not defined what relationships mean to me.
I have not made clear the types of people that are good for me to be around.
Relationships are much like careers in my mind — they need to be enhancing and beneficial to both parties. It is good to have similar likes or interests and use that as a common ground. Actually that is a very important detail for me, but there is no need to be exactly the same. Through our differences we bring about new thoughts and changes in our thinking. People unwilling to accept differences are not people for me. I find that to be difficult to say, but the source of my social confusion is other people making me feel like I have to chose a group to be a part of. I do not. I enjoy all types of people. I can do well socially in the right circumstances.
I do know that I have a certain physical attraction to some of these people I mentioned.
There are some that I am more drawn to because of their facial features. David mentioned that I tend to only crush on people from the neck up. However, I am attracted to the clothes/shoes/accessories they wear as well. I find Joe Bastianich’s attire quite awesome. I also admit his death stare is fabulous! If you have seen the show Master Chef you know what I am talking about. I noticed that many of the people I have a fondness for — tend to have eccentric clothing styles, or at least collections of such styles I am not sure how to describe it. This is true for the people in my reality or the well-known people that through the limited knowledge I have collected I know that part of them. I liked these pictures.