Monthly Archives: January 2012

01/30/12

Sweet Tooth And Babbling

Goodness! What is wrong with me? I want chocolate!! I submitted to my craving and made chocolate covered strawberries. We will have them after dinner. I thought they looked so pretty that I would share a picture of them. They are fine looking specimens and the melted Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips are tasty. Hmm…Tasty.

Can you tell I am a little off?

I am excited and nervous about going to dance class again this week. Also, I am going to a play at the community theater in a couple of weeks with my mom and sisters for my sister’s birthday. I am looking forward to that as well as finding out the weekend that mom and I are going to Savannah there is a music festival! We are both excited, and kind of bummed. We discovered the concerts are quite pricey and after thinking about it there will be a lot more people roaming the streets.

The good news is that there could be other cool things happening because of the event.

I may be roaming the streets at night by myself since mom is usually in bed by 8:00pm and then up at 2:30am. She said she could stay up later than eight, we will see. I am ok with that I am used to her going to bed and me entertaining myself. Ha ha ha I am completely babbling because I have a lot rolling around in my head. I tried to stop my information consumption, but I cannot seem to do it. The book that I started reading is getting me thinking even more!  I am through the first chapter and I have a ton of things I want to talk about. I cannot get my thoughts organized though because I am obsessed with mythology at the moment and owls. AND everything is connecting to everything then, making me think of a billion other things.

Breathe… (Llama??)

Alright I am finished. Lol! I am excited at how well the kids are doing with school though. Yea! Again, they are arguing because of miscommunication, but school is going well. The miscommunication going on is pretty intense. All three of them are taking words and actions the wrong way from each other and from David and me. Maybe it is a sibling thing, I don’t know. David says that he had similar issues with his brothers. They were all fairly close in age so I guess it could be the situation. I am trying really hard to help them stay calm with each other and explain how they have misunderstood. Maybe this is why I am feeling off. Daniel and Joshua have been playing really well together, but if Joshua is done, Daniel gets so upset. Ariel wants a girl to play with she is “tired” of the boys.

She said she would like a robot. :-)

Oh, well I suppose I had better get used to this kind of stuff. I just find it all so confusing sometimes. I have to share pictures of what Joshua has been creating. Since we got the Lego catalog he has been requesting all of the Batman Lego sets. We told him that he has to wait until his birthday that is in June. (He is talking about it every day.) He has decided to build his own sets until he gets the “real” ones. He creates all of them on his own — they are awesome. The other day he built an entire scene from the Batman Wii game. He also made a Penguin submarine and action figure for Daniel so they could play together. As well as building guys and robots from Robotech. I have pictures of their handwriting, drawings, and other things. Um… a lot of pictures.

Just because…

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01/29/12

Llama Llama Llama Llama Llama

The title is from an Animaniacs cartoon I watched years ago, I actually watched it again this morning with the kids. The title of this particular toon is “Wally Llama”. Here is an episode summary:

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Short) ”Wally Llama who lives on top of a mountain in the Himalayas is the wisest creature in the world. After he grows sick of answering questions he vows to stop for the rest of the day. The Warners arrive and pester him to answer one question. Eventually he gives in, but when he hears the question he goes crazy because he cannot figure out the answer. The question is why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

There are numerous reasons why I relate very much to this episode.

One being the question that the Animaniacs ask at the end “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” This is the type of question that I get all day long from my own little Animaniacs, but sometimes it is a bit too much. :-)   The main reason why I chose to talk about this today is because I took Wally Llama’s coping skills as my own years ago after watching the episode. I was a supervisor in a stressful job, living in a stressful environment and when I would get overwhelmed I would close my eyes, plop down on the floor, (I did not care if it was the middle of the store or if I crossed my legs in a chair in the middle of a restaurant.) place my hands up, and repeat “Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama” Yes, I did. I would not always plop down, but I would hold my hands up in meditation position, close my eyes, and repeat llama.

Most people would laugh and that would help me laugh.

Once I started laughing I was able to cope. This week has been a bit rough at times and our 2319! Plan has not been working. I was at my wits end with the boys the other day because they are having such miscommunication that it is was causing some serious meltdowns.  I was getting so frustrated at not knowing how to deal with it that out of desperation I said: “Come on boys sit down criss cross applesauce. Let’s close our eyes, put our hands up like in Yoga, and you say what Mommy says.” I then said: “Llama” over and over and they said it with me within a few minutes we were all laughing and calm. After that, we were able to talk calmly about what had happened and everything was cleared up.

I have been doing it for days now.

It is working! (For the moment.) I can only find the clip of Wally Llama in Spanish which makes it sound even better. :-) We purchased the episode off of iTunes. This week has been a huge week of progress as well… so I am not surprised by the meltdowns. All three of them have been practicing their handwriting, which is extremely stressful for them. They all have to use a lot of concentration and effort to practice writing, but they are doing so awesome. I started the Autism & Reading Comprehension this week as well and the boys are doing great! I was very surprised at how much Daniel does comprehend I shouldn’t be. All three of them comprehend, but they all three also show their comprehension through different ways. Ariel is way beyond in her reading and comprehension although — she is still enjoying doing the lessons with the boys. I really like the book and the lessons being laid out. I have to constantly try new things with the boys to keep them focused on reading.

Ariel reads all the time.  

Daniel likes to read, but he can forget words. If I do not continually stick to a reading program he will lose interest and the words that he has learned. We then have to start all over again, not for all words, but the bigger ones. This also can be quite taxing on them, and cause meltdowns. They are doing great at many of the math concepts, but need more work with subtraction. I decided to focus on subtraction this week as well. I think that may have been a bit too much to add while starting something new with reading this week. Even though they are doing well with subtraction — I did not think through all of the new things that were happening this week…for all of us.

I get kind of freaky when I know that their evaluations are coming quickly.

I have several months, but I go in hyper-drive at times wanting to make sure they are at level and learning everything they need to be learning. AND I think that is why my mind pulled out Wally Llama. I need to make sure that I am not pushing too much. These guys are above-average in many of their academics and are constantly asking questions. It is so easy to miss the progress and things that are accomplished  sitting right in front of you when you are constantly focused on the things you feel need to still be accomplished. I need to sit back and appreciate how much these guys know, and enjoy the way each of them see the world in such awesome and unique ways. I also found some Yoga DVD’s for kids that have been fun for us. We started them about two weeks ago. That is probably what triggered Wally Llama for me.

Maybe you would like to try it too, let me tell you sitting down and repeating “Llama” over and over can be quite amusing.

Here are the Yoga videos I am using with the kids.

YogaKids

Junior Yoga by Annette Lefterow (They are not as “enthused” with this one.)

AND I thought this was worth sharing as well. Everything You Thought You Knew About Learning Is Wrong


 

 

 

 

 

 

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01/28/12

My Brain Wide In The Sky

Emily Dickinson

Amanda Cass, Artist

Part One: Life
CXXVI

THE BRAIN is wider than the sky,
For, put them side by side,
The one the other will include
With ease, and you beside.

The brain is deeper than the sea,
For, hold them, blue to blue,
The one the other will absorb,
As sponges, buckets do.

The brain is just the weight of God,
For, lift them, pound for pound,
And they will differ, if they do,
As syllable from sound

 

 

I started reading Embracing the Wide Sky by Daniel Tammet yesterday.

I only got through the introduction because I ended up being quite busy and couldn’t sit and read anything. However, I am already intrigued by the intro alone. I have written about him before because I watched his TED talk back in November. The post has the link to the TED talk. I will allow him to explain his book.

Embracing the Wide Sky by Daniel Tammet Video

I have also read his book Born on a Blue Day and want to read it again, but I just don’t feel it is the right time yet. I need to continue to seek more understanding about how my mind works and not compare it to others. I have a tendency to seek out similarities, and then get too excited that someone else knows what I am talking about. This can distract me at times, mostly when it is in a book or music form because I can go and consume information about the author/musician.

Another whole way my brain works.

I discovered when I limit my knowledge to one particular subject my mind goes into a stiff black-and-white thinking and I am unable to see any other perspective. I am a consumer of information, but I also dump it. I call those moments “mind dumps” and allow all of the information that I am consumed to be written out and make connections to various things that can go back to my childhood all the way up to this second. Though Daniel states that “thinking” too much or information consumption can cause a lack of creativity in a sense, my mind does not work that way — completely.

The more knowledge I gain the more I become creative.

That is as long as I do a mind dump if I do not let it all go and allow it to fuse into my brain then, I do the very thing he is talking about. I actually end up getting stuck, and my brain gets chaotic. I find that he is correct then, for me anyway. Possibly we are all like that. Maybe it is not how much information that we are consuming — it is the type of information we consume. People tend to gravitate to what makes them feel “right” in their opinions maybe that is what causes us to lose our intelligence and our creativity.

I can only speak for myself and say a resounding: “Yes, that is correct.”

I lost intelligence when I limited myself to reading and gathering information on one topic through filtered resources. I was very intelligent in that topic, but I could not understand others not believing the same as I did. I could not comprehend others not conforming to my opinions. The reason was because I was only circling information. I was gathering information from different resources and people but, they all thought the same thing. I knew this because I would say things like: “That is what so and so said.” Then, run and find the book or their website to prove it to myself or someone else. My mind keeps record of what people say, what author wrote what, AND I “cyber-stalk” them. By doing that I would learn that these groups of people were one giant CLIQUE! They used the same publishers, and went to the same gatherings and many more things. I would like to say that this is limited to only one topic, however it’s not. I have discovered this in many of my topics that I consume.

It wasn’t until recently that I have discovered my intelligence again.

Rather, let me say all of the knowledge that I had packed away into my brain pretending like it did not exist. I did remember — I just doubted my intelligence because I trusted authority to be putting in as much time and consumption as I did when learning a topic. David said the other day that I never lost my reason or intelligence, I still reasoned and used my knowledge quite well. I would however, doubt and get confused with people who were supposed to be an authority on the topic. When they did not know, or showed lack of interest as I brought up inconsistencies, or questions I would fold and believe that somehow I was wrong.

I see now that my wandering mind is not wrong.

I shall continue to learn as a child, asking questions, keeping my brain full of activity, soar in my love affair with numbers and letters and let my brain travel to the wide sky to see what else can be learned. I think this book will help me accept my mind and way of thinking at a new level, and find even more compassion for how others think…in a more balanced way. I can be compassionate toward others way of thinking to the point of devaluing my own way of thinking. Awareness is the key!

Another book that I am reading is Introducing Fractals: A Graphic Guide this one is for simple pleasure. :-)

(I’ll probably learn something…darn. Lol!)


 

 

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01/27/12

Well That Was Interesting

Last night was to be my first dance class…was. I was doing very well throughout the day — I was pretty excited and nervous. Though a bit concerned because my ballet slippers had not arrived yet. (they did not) I decided to bring my other dance shoes — possibly I could pull it off for one night or even get a feel for the class before participating. After finally accepting, the fact that other people were going to see me in a leotard.  L-E-O-T-A-R-D! Yes, that can be a huge source of anxiety for someone who has a skewed view of their body. Anyway, taking classes obviously trump all feelings of anxieties, and fears, or phobias because I REALLY want to do it.

I was still a bit nervous because I did not have my shoes.

I pushed those feeling back, and told myself whether they came or not I was going. Then, Joshua said several times throughout the day: “I don’t want mommy to go tonight.” he was talking to David. He also told me that he did not want me to go. I thought it was the strangest thing because Joshua is the one who practically pushes me out the door if he knows that he will have “Daddy” all night. I am serious this kid jumps up and down when I tell him I am going to the store because daddy is the better than chocolate. Not really, if I offered chocolate or David Joshua would pick chocolate. His loyalties only go so far, but the order goes like this Chocolate, Lego’s, Daddy, Star Wars, and then Mommy.

I am fine with that I completely understand his five year old thoughts when it comes to that. :-)

I know where I am on his list so I found it very strange that he didn’t want me to go. I should have listened. I should have listened to my gut and not go because I didn’t have my shoes. I felt like I had to push myself though otherwise I would sink into anxiety. I got there on time, but the parking lot was packed. There were parents picking up their children and it was chaotic. I couldn’t find a parking spot and I drove to the other end, and found one. However, I could not tell if I was allowed to park there because it was for another business that was open. In haste I decided that I did not want to chance getting towed.

I went down and found a spot in front of the studio.

It looked tight, but I thought I could fit our minivan in there. It was between two monster trucks, everyone around here has monster trucks. I am not kidding they are the most gargantuan, insanely humungous trucks I have ever seen in one city. They fit them in tiny compact parking spaces and you have to practically climb out of your window like the Dukes of Hazards in small parking lots here. There was a couple in their huge truck waiting for their child on my left, and a white truck on my right. I thought that I had managed enough room, but the white truck was in my blind spot. I pulled in and scraped against the side, freaking out I pulled out scraping again. I panicked because I could not find a place to park to look at the damage. A guy came around out of his car and gave me a dirty look.

The couple looked at me with their mouths wide open.

I hurried to find a parking spot so I could get back to the scene as quickly as possible. I think they all thought I took off. I couldn’t find my insurance card since I was so shaken. I then, realized that I left the new one on the printer at home. I flung everything from the glove compartment around the car because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t find a pen, which normally there are at least three sitting around in the car. I ran back to the truck and the couple seemed very relieved to see me. I asked them if they had a pen and they told me that the guy was inside playing guitar. (They do guitar lessons as well.) I went inside and told the receptionist what had happened. I am not sure what I looked like or how I was behaving, but she was worried about me and told me that it would be alright.

The guy came out and I told him what had happened.

We went out to see his truck, and quite honestly it was not bad at all. There was a tiny dent, and paint that will come right off. Our car on the other hand looks much worse, but the door still opens so it will be fine. I was still startled, I couldn’t think. He asked me if I wanted to file a claim and I could not think. I didn’t have a phone on me. The man offered to let me use his phone. I tried to get hold of David, but we do not have the phone downstairs, so he did not hear it. The man offered to let me email David, but David did not receive the email. I was flustered. The receptionist was very nice and asked if I was picking up my child. I told her I was supposed to start the dance classes. She tried to get me focused on that while I waited to try David again. They only take cash or check.

I only had my bank card on me.

She was going to let me take the class anyway and I could pay next week, but I just couldn’t. I just needed to get home. The man and the receptionist both kept telling me that it was alright, it was an accident, and everyone has an accident. I am not sure what I looked like. I did keep apologizing because first I hit the guy’s car, then I used his phone, PLUS I interrupted his guitar lessons. I felt horrible. I have never hit anyone’s car, especially a parked one! I have only had two tickets in my entire life! I have been in one car accident where I was driving, but it was not my fault I was rear-ended. When I heard the scrape of the cars the sound sent my body into shock. I was already hypersensitive from social anxiety.

It made everything magnified.

The good thing is the guy was very kind, and seemed more worried about me. The receptionist and everyone that was in the waiting area were very kind and comforting. Several of the people thanked me for coming in to tell the guy. I thought that was odd, why wouldn’t I come in and tell him? I HIT HIS TRUCK! I had to tell him. I did a horrible thing! I do realize that my intense feeling about it is not shared with others, but I still feel awful for damaging another person’s possession. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I listen to Joshua? Why didn’t stay in that other parking spot?

It is all ok.

I am not going to let this stop me from going back. In the past I would never go back no matter how much I wanted to dance. I would have been consumed with embarrassment and guilt. I would have been looping about the other people who were staring at me in an odd way instead of staying fixed on the people who were being positive and comforting. It helped that both the receptionist and the guy said:”I’ll see you next week.” This is a huge thing for me to be able to get over. (Kind of over) I did go through a bit of shock last night. I couldn’t drive for a few minutes, and when I did try I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset with myself because the other thing that ran through my mind was that we do not have the money to pay for our car or his car. I just caused us senseless money loss.

I get really freaked out about things like that.

I could have stopped it, but now I am costing us money that is needed for other things. This line of thinking would have forced me to not continue with the classes as well. I would have punished myself for making a silly mistake. I shutdown when I got home after hyperventilating and crying in the front yard while I showed David what I did. He is not concerned with it at all. He said that it is not that bad. He then had to go to the store because I was in no position to go. I had planned on going after dance class.

I could only sit and watch shows when I finally settled down. 

They made me laugh, and that helped a lot. I did continue to relive the event over and over like a movie in my head, I started craving sweets, which I normally do not, and I was shivering and felt like I was freezing even though I was bundled in warm clothes and a blanket. It seems so strange how I could go through such trauma with something so little, but all of my senses and emotions were heightened because I was trying something new. I was going to a new place. I was meeting new people. I did not have my shoes. I was going against my feeling to not go. My brain was processing a lot. Then, to damage something that belongs to someone else was devastating. I don’t know why it affects me like that. Also, the sounds, the crowds (The kids were swarming and so were their parents.), it was just a lot to take in.

Overall I am feeling positive, the damage is not that bad in hindsight and I am going back with no fears.


 

 

 

 

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01/25/12

Emotional Processing–Whatever

There are times, like this moment where I feel nothing. It’s not really that I feel nothing it is I have no idea what I am feeling. However, I am not freaking out about it, and I am not trying to analyze it (fully), I am just here. There is a slight tinge in my heart at this moment that is probably triggered from the fear of exposing myself. Other than that I feel like a concrete wall from a distance. It looks as if there is nothing to it, it looks solid, gray, and hard, but when you get too close you see tiny cracks, holes, spaces, and shades of gray. I like looking at the gray wall from a distance sometimes, it feels peaceful.

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. :-) I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding. :-)

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.


 

 

 

 

 

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01/23/12

The Spider Meltdown

This morning started out pretty well. I had my plans for school floating in my head, I was quickly typing out some poems that I remembered from my dreams last night, and just as I was finishing up to get ready to prepare breakfast…the tornado of Daniel came sweeping under my chair kicking and screaming. Through the yells it was revealed that he wanted a toy spider that he could not find. It started because for some reason Ariel and Joshua decided they wanted to play with toy bugs this morning. Daniel has not spoken about this spider in months, I mean MONTHS! I knew exactly which spider he was referring to because a couple weeks ago when I went into a cleaning frenzy and organized all of their toys once again, in my mad cleaning spree I saw this spider.

The spider had been in the corner of the kitchen hidden under various other objects.

It was hiding in a place that I had not seen because quite honestly I was completely overwhelmed with all of the random small pieces or mismatched toys that clustered various small places in this house. The toys that should go in a lost and found box for later, but somehow Daniel seems to think they belong in corners of the house, under my blankets on my bed, randomly placed in my closet, or completely dumped in any or all rooms of the house. I have pictures of these toy dumps for just today that I will convince him later that he needs to help me clean up. However, it will mainly be me or David cleaning it up. Yes, yes the spider.

I had to tell him that I threw it away.

WHY?? Why did I do such an evil vile thing? On purpose?! I will not go into detail, but will only say aggressive much? The last couple weeks have been the delayed reaction to the holidays. The kids in their own way have been having small meltdowns, but nothing major. Daniel has been aggressive off and on for about two weeks, but his recovery time and his aggressive behaviors have not been anywhere near what they used to be. I forget how much of a toll this takes on me because I am in reaction mode, then I wonder why I feel the need to stim for hours. This morning was pretty bad though. It was so bad that I had my own meltdown. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with being derailed once again for school and trying to pull myself together to get us able to focus and accomplish what we needed to for today.

I could not control my outburst.

It was not directed at the kids. I was trying to finish my thoughts because I was stuck and needed to get them out. Daniel was screaming at me, and kicking the back of my chair. Then, David asked: “Don’t you need to go to Target?” That did not sit well with me. I had no control over my words, and went in and started breakfast. I was throwing bread of course, and tossing eggs. Then, I stopped, put my head in my arms and kept repeating: “I can’t get back, I can’t get back.” while stomping my foot and almost crying. I was completely derailed. I have been struggling for weeks to get back to our schedule. It isn’t going well. The kids are being argumentative about school, and I am trying my best to stay motivated myself.

Long story short I had to apologize to David.

Daniel had to apologize to me. I went to Target and cried in the vitamin aisle, then felt guilt for having a meltdown. I did not find a spider so I had to go to two other stores and finally found one. If I did not get a spider Daniel would not have been able to move forward for who knows how long. I came home, gave him the spider and all was well with him anyway. Joshua and Ariel is another story. Joshua has been highly emotional lately and feeling like everyone is leaving him out. It does not make sense to me at all because no one is. It really causes me  confusion, which is never good because that makes me anxious. I don’t know how to help or even understand it. Ariel is transitioning from little girl to girl, and that has a whole other dynamic that I can relate to. I just was not expecting it at seven years old.

It’s all quite interesting.

The positive is that recovery time today and the other days have been short for the kids. I think part of my meltdown today was that I have been holding this stuff in and trying to put out fires forgetting that it affects me too. When Daniel is aggressive I have to be on my toes trying to save things in the house, stop him from throwing things, slamming doors, breaking the toys that he loves. I don’t know why he always goes to destroy his favorite toys. He always gets so upset after they are broken, it makes it worse. Wait…after thinking about it I have done the same thing. Maybe it is because we are so upset it makes us even angrier to see something that can make us happy. Possibly a form of control. Who knows I am analyzing to escape. :-)

I am still overwhelmed and will need this day to recover.

We did finish all of our school work. Daniel completed everything and even brought me a social skills book saying: “I want to read this today. It is my favorite.” It was perfect because it has visuals and the wrong way and the right way to do things. It is this book The Social Skills Picture Book Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism excellent resource. Daniel and Joshua are playing together and it is like nothing ever happened this morning. I am fine with that actually I am elated by that, but I am exhausted. I feel like I wrestled with a rhinoceros or something and I lost. It is already better so I am trying to get back on track by writing this out.

I did watch another TED video that I thought was worth sharing Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Even if you feel no interest in watching the whole thing I do recommend listening to her poems in the beginning and at the end. It is a good reminder that the bad days always get better. BUT I will say it is excellent to watch she is a poet and the way that she talks about it explains my brain with poems. Project V.O.I.C.E.looks awesome!

I have been allowing the poems that are flooding through me to come out.

It is part of accepting my means of processing. I think I may feel some poems coming regarding my emotions for today, and tomorrow the kids and I are going to write some poems. I am going to see if they will be able to write some of what they have been feeling the last few weeks. The more that I listened to Sarah Kay the more I say even if you do not feel like a poet it is definitely worth watching. It is helpful to be reminded that others relate even if you do not hear from them or know it, or have consuming feelings like you have nothing to contribute. You do have a story to share and it matters.

Whatever your form of communication is — your voice matters.

Title of gallery “New Spider & Random Toy Dumps”


 

 

 

 

 

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01/20/12

Relationships Again…Really?

Once again I offer you some confessions. If you have been reading my blog for a while you may have picked up on the fact that relationships are a special interest of mine. This obsession has been with me since as far back as I can remember. I have observed people and how they interact with each other and I find it fascinating. I find it to be another source of frustration that I have been unable to understand them. Well…the problem is, I do understand them, but people do not want to admit what they actually are. There you have my fascination and my overactive observing skills. It makes it very difficult for me to discern if someone is truly operating in the relationship they claim to be or if it is some sort of ruse. I find family dynamics to be the most confusing of all.

I would claim it to only be mine.

However, I have discovered in my years upon this planet that indeed other families have these strange types of dynamics as well. I recently watched a clip and trailer from a film that reflects some of what I am referring to. Meet the Artists ’11: Sam Levinson (forewarning a bit of language) Yes, I am intrigued by him and find what he has to share quite interesting. Here is the trailer “Another Happy Day” I also read this on Indiewire. It does look like it would be hard movie that many people could relate to. I personally find comfort in such films because it reveals to me that my strong desires for my family to be honest with each other is not unfounded or uncommon. Family is a complicated affair and always has been.

I am amazed that family is a pool of different characters we are supposed to be learning communication from.

In my experience I have yet to see families communicate in a positive way. I have two people in my family that I can communicate with almost fully, my mom and my aunt. I still try to filter and explain myself in a way that does not hurt them. It is an impossible task I know this, but I also know that they love me no matter what so sooner or later they will let it go. I have been harping on relationships and ways for me to discern what people are good for me because I have to be somewhat solid in this before I go back around family. They have been the greatest source of confusion for me when it comes to this, which in turn has caused me confusion with relationships outside of family as well. I am using my ballet classes as a means to test out my gauge of people I can communicate with and those I cannot.

The social aspect of the classes has caused me a great deal of stress.

That would be another reason why I have been going through what types of people I want to be friends with. I have to do that because otherwise I will get hurt. I know I will. I will end up befriending people, getting involved in their lives, and later discover that I am completely confused by the relationship. I also have not had the best of luck with many women relationships so I need to have clarity before I even step into a room full of women. I have already decided that my goal is to get to the advanced level as quickly as possible. I have no desire to build up relationships in this group, if it happens fine or if not fine. My purpose is not going to be focused on people, in the past that is what I have done and I got sidetracked and derailed.

I know I may sound bad here, but I have to practice. 

I have to practice at not getting involved with people who I seem to gravitate toward. I especially tend to gravitate toward women who are in need of affirmation. Those that are very insecure and I desire so much to build them up. Maybe they gravitate toward me who knows all I know is that it is a familiar thing that is not healthy for me. I end up sacrificing everything in order to help them find themselves only to discover all they wanted was someone to tell them how great they are while not changing. They say they want to change, but they don’t. They show interest in developing their skills and talents — I jump right in spending my time seeking out the best ways for them to do so.  I have spent hours researching things for people only to have them not use it or not really pay attention to it. It’s my “help trump” thing in my brain, I lose all reason for myself.

It is also very important for me to get my strength in this area before being around my family again.

I will lose myself completely in my family’s issues if I do not get a grasp on this. It has been good for me to do a walk through and evaluate who is good for me and who isn’t. The truth is some people in families are toxic and can be destructive relationships. I always feel horrible making statements like that because there is a certain family obligation guilt that I have experienced in my own family and with other families that I have been tied to. I think I have managed to find some resolve after all of these years in my thinking about relationships. I will have to test myself, but I believe I have gotten a stronger sense of self and understanding of certain types of people so I will not fall into old unhealthy patterns.

Alright, I am finished with the relationship topic…until next week. :-)

 


 

 

 

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01/19/12

Phone…Arrg!

One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks. :-)


 

 

 

 

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01/17/12

Love Me Some TED

I just watched Alain de Botton on TED, and I thought there were so many great things that he said. I think the topic of polarization whether through religion vs. Atheism, politics, or our different views in the autism community is good to always self-evaluate. It shares a similar thread with the talk I shared from David Eagleman on TEDxHouston. I will not break them down fully, but the main point is to be open to possibilities. As I watched Alain de Botton I captured details about seeking good things out of religions, but I took home the good things about Atheism as well. I am very art minded and my personal experience with church and the arts has not been that positive or accepting. However, from his point of view because he is outside of the walls of a religion he is able to see the good in what church or religions have done for the arts.

I think that is great!

I love that it makes me take a look at my own views to see how I am being polarized in my thinking in some areas because I am so close to the subject or situation. I appreciate his talk which can be watched here Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0. I thought it was refreshing and had a lot of insight that can be applied into my views on faith, and church. It also reminded me to see how much my views can get distorted when I get fixated on one specific thing. I believe this is why I find so much peace when I am gathering information from different views, or faiths because I know my ability to trick myself into a black-and-white world. I then have an inner struggle without realizing it because something does not feel right…but what? It doesn’t feel right because it is a form of conformity, which is uncomfortable for my mind.

I naturally rail against it.

I always want to be open, and willing to understand another person’s perspective. Um…As long as it is not detrimental or destructive, such as blatant racism or hatred. However, I do seem to gravitate toward wanting to understand their reasons for being racist or full of hate. Why? Why? Why? I can get fixated with that my serial killer obsession comes to mind. I find the meeting of minds, and discussions to develop, learn, and change to be a need in my life. I will shutdown in heated arguments, or rants out of hurt or fearful emotions. I took this video as a positive way to look at religion that I had lost, and I also was quite intrigued by his views. They made me think and gave me some wonderful things to think about and process. It is ironic that I am currently working through a post in my mind about my reasons for polarizing or constantly trying to create an all or nothing type of environment. It has been a coping mechanism of mine that I am dismantling.

I appreciate his respect toward religion, but also him being himself and clearly not believing.

I found I liked his humor, and many things he had to share. At the end I really liked his explanation of not needing a mystical experience in order to feel connected to something bigger. I struggle with that all the time in my spiritual community, feeling inadequate or lacking because I do have or feel something “mystical” happening to me. I tend to feel a great connection, sense of belonging, and oneness with people when they share with me. If they share music, poems, words, or if I am watching someone operate in their talent. I feel connected and oneness to something bigger. Even in his talk I felt it — I guess it is more like I feel the oneness when I see other people expressing their passions, their hearts, and who they truly are without hindrance. I say that makes me feel one with humanity to some extent which makes me feel connected to God or if you would like to say the Universe or Higher Power. I find having a true connection with someone to be quite a mystical experience.

All of us can benefit so much when we cast our filters down for a moment.

Alright that’s my peace talk for the day. I know it is a kumbaya fantasy of mine, but without those fantasies I lose hope. If anything this is for me to see areas that I am being polarized in my thinking and finding good in something I started to lose any hope in. On another note here is David Eagleman on The Colbert Report. I thought it was funny and it proves once again that my brain is indeed messing with me!!  I knew it I just needed more evidence. I hope to get his new book sometime soon as well. I am enjoying SUM very much, and it has me thinking as well. And I don’t know why Proust keeps coming up in my life. I must really need to be learning something there, or it’s just the Universe and my brain messing with me…that happens a lot. :-)

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.


 

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01/15/12

Loving The Process

I have really grabbed hold of the words “trust the process” when it comes to working through accepting things about myself that I have not before. I am trusting that I am changing, growing, and developing a more cohesive identity. I titled this “Loving The Process” because without putting trust into it there is no way it will happen and without trust you cannot love. Every challenge that I have been facing has been painful, I am not going to lie. I felt like my heart was going to burst from some of the things that I have remembered and relived. However, I know that it is not. :-) I will be very honest here I had to go through this process of acceptance when it came to Daniel being autistic. I knew virtually nothing about autism, and it seemed scary. I was also scared because I related so much to him, and somehow knew how to help him once I stopped being in denial. I put trust in my ability now to accept what I need to do because I was able to change for him. I am trusting myself to do the work to change for myself.

The change is happening.

This last shutdown or meltdown if you want to call it that — I will be completely open here and tell what it looked like. When I say I lost my words, I mean that I lost them with most people. I could write, but I could not email or even leave the house. During my shutdowns/meltdowns I am fully capable of taking care of my children, doing school (most times), making all three meals, and snacks, keeping the house for the most part, and either I can consume large amounts of info or I can only watch TV and YouTube. I learned from an early age to control my shutdowns/meltdowns because I had to be ok for my mom — I had to be ok it was not an option. She had her own shutdown/meltdowns and I took the role of making sure everything was alright for her. As a child my mom did her best, but I was a handful and very confusing to her.

The problem with “controlling” them is (was) I get no release or ability to move on.

It still will manifest through some means eventually. When I am hit with social confusion, or say anxiety I will turn to helping people or directing all of energy to the kids and how to help them. I then hold everything in and explode through various ways such as tears or through going overboard cleaning the house in a mad frenzy. The good news this time around it did not last nearly as long as it has in the past. I did not spend additional days looping on it. When it was over my brain was finished with it as well. I did not feel guilt or shame, or stupid for my thoughts. One evening I did collapse on my computer sobbing, and did not stop for about 30 minutes. The reason being I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of me not existing to people, and battling my mind between knowing that those words were not true and those words feeling so true.

When the initial sobbing started I received an email from a friend at that exact moment in the evening.

In the moment I received it I could not even read it with a proper perspective it took me several days to reply. My mind was consumed, but the email let me know that indeed I was not invisible at least not to them for that moment. :-) Never underestimate a simple email, whether it is only a smiley face, two sentences, or several paragraphs. (If you feel the urge to send it do so because you have no idea who may be sobbing on the other side just needing that email.) After it was over I was fine, though I could not read any emails until the next day and could barely write anything for a couple of days. I also made sure that I did not completely cut off because that can cause deeper negative loops. I wrote to a friend with my few words and discovered they were going through a shutdown as well. We were in the same position and were able to bring some comfort to each other with what little words we had.

All of this may not sound so positive, but for me these are great things.

They helped me refocus, and place in my arsenal of new scripts how to spring back from loops that I am unable to stop. I have found that the most difficult task is the battle in my mind of what is true, and what is perceived true through my negative self-image. I have filtered through the negative image of myself for so long that it truly hurts my brain to tell myself it is not an accurate perspective. Even more good news, my self-image is changing for the better. I still struggle with that though it may be a life long thing, along with negative self-talk, but that is changing as well. I first had to realize that I was doing it, then that has prompted me to change how I talk to myself. I had worked on that regarding how I talked about myself out loud because I did not want my kids to hear me speak negative things about myself.

I had not made the connection that I was continuing to do it silently.

I admit I have had this revelation before about negative self-talk,  but did not have clarity about some ways that I continued to talk to myself. After this round of emotional “work through” I came up with a set of goals that I plan on accomplishing this year. I have six written down so far. I realized the other day that I set goals all the time. I set goals, but they are always directed toward things for the kids, or the house. I usually have my identity wrapped up in something that has not a lot to do with me personally. The goals I have set are specific to me. I admit I am both excited and hesitant about them, but they are good and though may be a bit challenging I can achieve them. I was really inspired by what someone said in a video, but I can’t remember where it is now. (I watched too much YouTube the other day.) She wrote out: “Document it even if you don’t think you’ll ever share it.”

I watched her video of a culmination of attempts, failures, and achievements in her process.

It helped me remember how important it is for me to keep record, to keep my writings, to keep my many thoughts filed away on my desktop, here, or in my drafts. (Current number of drafts 126 :-) ) I can always go back and see where I was and how I changed. I admit the other day I was feeling like throwing everything out. I wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, and I didn’t want to write anymore. This is not new — this is a response that I have done my whole life when I feel too exposed or fearful about something. My writings have felt like something that I could control. I can destroy them at any time, or I can share them. I won’t do that not anymore, I have felt too much pain from the past few months about all of the things I threw away or destroyed in haste.

Live, learn, and be inspired.

Part of my loving the process is exposing myself to so many different thoughts and ideas. I have been very open to different views, and ways of helping myself because quite frankly what I did in the past did not work. I read numerous blogs from people with a vast spectrum of ideas. They range from ex-Christians, or Pagans to professional hooping. (My cousin hoops, I think that is the proper term. I hoop on the Wii. hee hee) I have been inspired by Atheist, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and Agnostic mothers of autistic children. I am limiting it to recent reads, but I have been inspired by men and woman alike from all faiths, struggling with a belief of any kind, and no faith at all. My thoughts have been set on finding my own personal balance and awareness through reading about Buddhism, practicing yoga, and trying to learn how to calm my mind. I am unable to limit my mind to a certain group. I enjoy learning from all types of people, and that does help me find calm. I don’t know why it just does.

It is very difficult for me to mediate, but it seems to be very beneficial.

Whether you want to call it relaxing or meditating or I’ll just say finding some sort of quiet time. I have to work very hard at finding peace in my mind. I normally have to have a specific type of music, and lay on my bed in the dark. Or I will have to ride my bike, but I have not been able to for a while. I am currently in a cycle where I do not want to do any form of exercise and that is never good. It also doesn’t help that Daniel is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed at the same time, so I am not getting any alone time.

Well except first thing in the morning.

It is part of the process looking for the things that work during each of my cycles. I find that a bit hard to accept though because I expect myself to be “on” all the time, but I am not. I am incredibly hard on myself and I am working on that, I guess that is part of the self-image thing. So for now as I am going through this process…a process that will be life long, I am learning to love it. I am learning new ways of thinking about myself, which helps me see others in new light as well. I am learning how to accept things much easier without trying to figure out so many of the “whys” and I am learning that sometimes it is good to stay in denial until you are ready to accept the changes that need to be made. It isn’t always the best thing to rip off the layers and stand completely exposed. One layer at a time may be much wiser. :-)

Oh, come next month I will be taking adult ballet lessons. Yea!

It was one of my goals so I looked it up and lo and behold a studio only 15 minutes away offers them super cheap! Unbelievable. I admit I was not very hopeful about this town offering them or that the cost would be affordable. I was also apprehensive because any time I have made contact with places around here it has been an incredibly negative experience. I decided to try anyway and it turned out to be very positive. I am excited. VERY excited! :-) However, I am still a bit cautious because I cannot think of one experience that has turned out well with these types of things around here. I am staying positive though. The reason for loving the process is to be able to look at it as a positive thing. It is good to change, and deal with problems when you are ready. It is a life long commitment if we don’t trust it or love the changes that come from it, then we will never want to take the risks we need to in order to develop into better people.

Change is good if it is progressing.

Had to share at least one more link. Lol!

How Do You Spot Negative Self-Talk?


 



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