On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.
The kids and I are just taking it easy.
We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.
Such as we are NOT alone.
When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee
Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.
I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.
Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?
I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.
I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.
That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.
I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.
I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.
I didn’t want to drink.
Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.
So I do not touch anything.
It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.
As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.
I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.
I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.
Here are the pictures to prove it. I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.
Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too.