Monthly Archives: December 2011

12/31/11

Music-Clouds-Happy New Year!!

I am utterly shocked at the news that David shared with me this morning. I want to point out that it may not be as devastating to others as it is to me, but it was shocking. He confessed that he did not like a band that I am rather fond of. A band that was pivotal in my life, during my heavy metal era. They were actually the only band that I was obsessed with, did not have a crush on any of the band members, their lyrics rang deep into my spirit, and the screechy vocals and guitar riffs soothed my aching soul.  I related deeply to the sounds and the songs, and they both comforted me in my isolated feelings and depression.

I liked a lot of different music, but heavy metal did something for me.

I believe now it caused deep pressure and was much like a hug machine for me. Even though I am not a fan of crowds I was frequently found at rock concerts. I spent a large portion of my teenage years and young adult life at rock concerts. When I became a Christian I traded my “secular” concerts for Christian music concerts. Many times the music was as much “rock” as I could get. The sounds and feel of concerts energized me. I loved watching people sing in unison at any genre of concert. There is something about people all singing together that moves me. I would normally have my eyes closed, or I would fixate on one of the band members singing or playing their instrument. But when I would hear the band stop playing and everyone would start to sing together, I would open my eyes and watch.

It is such a magical moment.

I can see waves flow from the mouths of people, the calm enter, and for a moment in time there is complete peace. It occurs with only certain types of songs, but when it does I am so happy to stand outside of myself and watch the dancing notes floats around. This band that I was talking about will be inducted in to the Rock Hall of Fame. I had every album, (except the 2008) I sat up all night listening to them many times, and I would lie in my bed and let my emotion’s work through the tunes. I did this with several other bands as well, but I am talking about this one because I just got their greatest hits off of iTunes (gift card, yea!). I have been listening to them.

I have allowed myself to listen to them.

When I stopped listening to anything except Christian/worship music I threw out their albums along with many others…tons. I threw out all of my concert shirts and ticket stubs that I had collected. I cried when I threw them all out, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was for that moment in time, but now I wish I had them all back. I never got to see this band in concert and I was sad about that, they are none other than Guns-N-Roses. I was so excited when I discovered during my still listening to them phase that my boss went to school with Axl Rose. He was not much impressed with him and told me so, but he knew my love for their music and shared whatever questions I had.

It was so ironic to me because we were both over a thousand miles away from our hometowns.

Yet, he knew the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands. It really isn’t that ironic I guess, but we can pretend. I do not know how David and I got on the topic of music this morning, but for some reason G N’ R came up. He then disclosed his lack of enthusiasm about the band. Let me explain in a little more detail my obsession with the band, I knew every single lyric to every song even if I thought it was not that great. I could play air drums and guitar to perfection to each song, AND I had (still) Axl’s Rose’s dance down to perfection. I learned the majority of that dance first from Davie Jones of The Monkees — he does it quite well in this video of Daydream Believer. (Horrible sound quality, sorry…you can see it at around 1:26)

I connected to the band so much because it spoke my heart during that time in my life.

I read everything I could about them, and collected information about their lives. How could David not love them?? I know, I know not everyone is going to like my music. David is more on the punk rockish side, while I am more on the head banging side. Ha ha ha We do have different tastes in music for sure, but we are not limited to those genres. It is just funny to say. I bring this band up because I tried listening to them a while back and it hurt too much. I forced myself to listen to them, and write out what I was feeling. There was a lot going on in my life while I was listening to their music. It was between 1987-1993 that some of the most traumatic events happened to me, in regards to me listening to this band to sooth me. (I threw out all of my cd’s and tapes in 1999, and started replacing them with new music.). My favorite of their albums were Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. I waited in excited anticipation for those to come out.

During that time my best friend got pregnant.

She moved in with her new boyfriend and the one time sealed at the hip pods that we were was now severed. I ended up moving in with my second boyfriend, who did not attach to me like my friend. My friend’s brother was killed in a horrible car accident, and I did not know how to process the loss of her as a friend. I lost her to her new man, and then she completely changed after her brother died. I didn’t even know how to process his death because he was my first boyfriend’s cousin, and his best friend in the whole world. He was also very mean to me, lied about me, made fun of me, got girls to go out with my ex while were together, he was just plain mean. He called me horrible names. I was overwhelmed with the sadness for them, and the conflict of my own relief that this bully in my life was gone.

I felt horrible, and like an evil person.

I didn’t understand how so many people could love him. He was not only mean to me either, there were plenty of people including his family that he was mean to. I witnessed several times his bullying or tormenting being lashed out on his sisters, mother, and various other people in the family. Apparently around the end of his young life he had changed, and started to be a lot nicer. He got back with his ex-girlfriend who was very sweet, and they got pregnant. His life was changing, and my friend even told me that he had said very nice things about me before his death. I do not know if it is true or not. I didn’t realize how much that all affected me because I am currently tearing up a little bit. I have carried guilt for my feelings toward him — I felt abandoned by my friend I have tried to not let anyone get that close to me again. I felt emotionally abandoned by my boyfriend at the time. I started cutting myself regularly at that time. (I stopped cutting around 1994 I forced myself to stop, but still had the urges.) It was a very lonely and confusing time in my life.

It is a huge triumph to be able to listen to this band without any of these triggers hurting me.

There are several favorite songs I have of theirs, but three stuck in me Don’t Cry, I held on to and trusted in the lyrics to get me through to the next morning on some nights. Civil War rang in my spirit, and still does, and November Rain because where I lived the November rain was so cold, and seemed to last a lifetime. Also, because I believed them, I felt the lyrics and believed in them. I sat many nights sending out my thoughts, fears, aches, desperate cries of isolation, and longing out into the universe to be heard. I felt somehow all of me would be caught with others in this musical connection and it made me feel not so alone.

I don’t feel those specific alone feelings anymore, even those feelings that rose recently.

I have listened to the songs, sang loud, and did my Axl Rose dance with vengeance! Woot! Maybe they will do a reunion…probably not. I can pretend, and create a whole rock concert in my living room like I used to. :-) I haven’t even started the New Year here and already I am making some great changes in my life. I am looking forward to 2012. I know I am still working through things, but I feel stronger and stronger every day in who I am…becoming. I am also feeling able to be myself without a care. I still cannot believe David doesn’t like Guns-n-Roses, pure silliness. I’m kidding! I shouldn’t be surprised he doesn’t like a lot of my music, I always forget! I guess I have a good memory for certain things. Lol!

I bid you Happy New Year, I am leaving with a lovely song, and some clouds!!

The song is not a Guns and Roses song. It is much tamer and French!

Carla Bruni – L’Amoureuse


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12/30/11

LEEEGGGOOO! LEEEGGGOOO! (Just like Capt. Kirk)

You can add me to these two great moments of visual grandness.

KHAAAAAAN!

WHEATON!

It’s five days after Christmas and we received the new Lego January 2012 Catalog.

Ordinarily I would not be so upset, but truth be told Lego has nabbed me! OMG! They have the coolest new items and I want them too. On pages 16-19 they have the most awesome dinosaur sets. Ariel wants those she loves dinosaurs. BUT on pages 22-25 be still my heart  Super Hero sets! They have Cat Woman and Wonder Woman! I love them. I am a secret fan of Batman as well, not some of the movies that have come out though. I used to be addicted to The Batman Animated series. I had to hide watching it at a certain time in my life because my boyfriend at the time would get upset with me for watching cartoons.

 

 

I still watched them when he wasn’t around which was often. :-)

I could also later be found watching Superman: The Animated Series. I have always been a Wonder Woman and Cat Woman fan. I watched the older shows when I was a kid. I thought Batman was hilarious, I listened to the theme song album that my my mom had during particular music cycles of mine as a kid. POW! My mom loved Batman, still does. I wanted to be Wonder Woman or Cat Woman and would (still) pretend that I was. Hee hee. SO now I am longingly looking at the sets wanting to build Batman’s awesome Batcave, Batmobile, and Batwing. Plus Cat Woman’s Cat cycle rocks.

LEEEEEGGGGOOOOO!

Alright so now you know.

I am not big into comics, but I did like the shows. I have spoken briefly about Wonder Woman in past a post, but I do not think that I have confessed my cartoon favorites other than Pinky & The Brain. I went through a period of cartoon addiction because I watched my sisters after school and work, we would spend time together watching Sailor Moon, Gargoyles, Animaniacs, and various other cartoons that I cannot recall now.

I also introduced them to the Goosebumps TV Show.

It did get my youngest sister of the two into reading the books, reading is good…right? My mom was not too thrilled and I am currently blamed for my sister’s vampire, skull, and Gothic fixations.  I am afraid it is quite possibly true, I will not protest since I did convince them both that I was a real vampire. It helped my case with all of Gothic decor, and library of books about the history of vampires. Not to mention my Anne Rice collection of novels as well. :-) Which are long gone now, too bad she would probably love to have them.

I am pretty much just writing a silly post.

I have been working through some other thoughts that have given me more clarity to the “why” questions of some past choices I made during my later teenage and young adult life. This has helped me a great deal, in being released from negative thoughts about myself. I have also been focused on going over my book. I am going to have a friend read it through so I am a bit nervous. I know that she will be honest and helpful, and I need that.

I am excited that I have followed through on it and have not given up.

I find that to be a great accomplishment. The fact that I did not self-edit to the point of giving up is a big deal. The fact that I allowed myself to write whatever I felt is huge. The fact that I am letting someone else read it, and I am not hiding it is a big deal too. I read a blog a couple weeks ago, I cannot recall where it is now, but the guy mentioned that you should write down your accomplishments. I am not usually big into things like that, but the way he worded it made it sound reasonable to me. I thought about those of us who have anxiety, and how important it is to write down our accomplishments.

Anxiety can blur so many things.

Our accomplishments can get jaded, or lost in the midst of negative thinking or feeling physically drained. Things tend to seal better in the brain when we write them out, I decided to try it and see what happens. It has been keeping me rather positive. :-)   The hardest part of writing out accomplishments for me is that I do not know what they are usually. I tend to think that everything I do is simple, or just what everyone does so I do not see how it is an accomplishment. I am working on changing my pattern of thinking there. However, I do find building an awesome Lego set to be quite an accomplishment.

Those things are hard sometimes!

I am currently listening to Ariel and Joshua go through the Lego catalog and say what they need to get. Sigh…They just got the Lego sets they have been waiting “forever” for. I do admit it is a bit harder to say no when I want them myself. :-) Daniel is starting to want more Lego helicopters and airplanes as well. They have some pretty cool new flying machines in the catalog also. We’ll just have to watch for sales. We are currently in no spending mode to save up for the move.

I think I’ll hide the catalog from all of us.


 

 

 

 

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12/28/11

Yin-Yang Coffee and Yellow Tuesday

On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.

The kids and I are just taking it easy.

We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.

Such as we are NOT alone.

When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee

Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.

I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.

Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?

I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.

-Rudy Simone-

I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.

That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.

I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.

I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.

I didn’t want to drink.

Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.

So I do not touch anything.

It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. :-) I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.

As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.

I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.

I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.

Here are the pictures to prove it. :-) I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.

Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too. :-)


 

 

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12/27/11

Perceptions and Stuff

Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

People who do that have caused me to doubt my own perception skills. It has also caused me to seek out as much information to create a lasting memory to help me know how a person feels about me or about others. My mix up with the definition of perception and being judgmental was picked up by me while I was around certain groups of people. I also got the mix up from family members throughout my life. It has caused me to doubt what I feel/see, be anxious, and then be consumed with irrational thoughts. (I plan on doing a whole post about irrational thoughts at some point.)

In one of the shows I talked about yesterday, they showed a screen of words that were colors.

Instead of the letters being red for the word red, they were yellow. Or the letters in the word yellow were green. I do not know if those were the exact colors because I was in the middle of brushing Daniel’s teeth, but when I would look up and saw each word, I shouted out the correct word, not the color of the letters. Here is a picture that may help get a feel of what I mean.

Based on the definition of perception I was actually very perceptive while many other people were not based on the TV program.

It got me thinking about me, autism, and perception. I thought about the times that I have been very perceptive, but others convinced me that I was wrong. After years and years of having this done to me, I finally accepted that I lacked any perceptive skills. However, that goes against who I am and how my brain works. Those with sensory integration issues, like myself, are VERY perceptive of their surroundings (sometimes it may be detailed, and specific). Many times it looks like we are not because we shutdown. Or go into meltdown mode. The intensity of emotional, physical, and sensory combined can be too much to bear at times.

It is much like empathy — we do not lack it many times we don’t know what to do with it.

There have been many occasions when I knew that people were lying, or they were not very nice people. I would voice my concerns with others and they would tell me that I was wrong. Have you ever noticed that many charismatic people tend to gain the trust of the masses? Have you ever heard of the famous doctor serial killer Marcel Petiot? He was supposedly very charismatic, charming, intelligent, and a doctor! Even though he had gotten busted for thieving while he was mayor, people still supported him. He continued to steal and be shady — I guess he remedied any issues by moving to Paris and using his charms there. (Until he got caught, that is.)

I find all of that so interesting because we as humans can be so easily swayed.

We can doubt ourselves based on group think, or status think. Many bullies get away with things because the perception is, they are a good student, a star athlete, or a teacher’s pet. Many people in our lives can convince us that what we perceive is wrong based on their own fears, insecurities, or desires. I personally have had so much hope in the good of people that I have challenged my own gut instincts, and changed my perception. I think my mom and David have been the only two to see me consistently call out people who are not being honest, forthright, or deceptive.

Thinking about it more I do have several friends who have witnessed this with me.

I forget that I do have several friends that I have kept for over 10 years. My bad…My memory is proving to fail me. :-)   I had learned to not say anything and to sit in doubt and confusion. Both of them have also caused me to question myself as well, but I know that they were not trying to hurt me. (They tend to be distrustful of people.) I have been right about people being good when others have perceived them as bad as well.

They had their own personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to challenge them after a while.

I still was not sure of myself and would loop about what I thought, what I saw, what I heard, why they did not believe me, and a zillion other questions. After watching some of these videos, reading some more information, and also going over my perception skills, I have come to the conclusion that I am not as far-off as I thought. We have to learn to trust our instincts, but also know that we can be heavily influenced by our wants, fears, other people’s perceptions, and how we view the world. I am going to work on fine tuning my perception skills so I can trust myself a little bit more. I know, just like my memory it will not be 100% accurate, (no one is) but it is worth it to stop anxiety and irrational thoughts.

I read through this article again Navigating Love and Autism and compared some things to my own experiences.

The section about Kristen and her boyfriend at the time hit a nerve. It made me recognize how I picked up a faulty perception of myself based on many similar words spoken to me from family, friends, and ex’s. The section begins with this:

“Kirsten’s two previous boyfriends had broken up with her, too, and her current boyfriend was an unlikely match — a charismatic extrovert with soulful blue eyes who thrived on meeting new people. But when she admitted at the outset of their senior year in high school that she envied his social ease, he had embraced the role of social coach.” (emphasis added)

As I read many of the comments that her ex-boyfriend made to her it was a flash of my own life.

I see how people in my life have perceived me as cold, rude, uncouth, and juvenile at times. They would then decide to take me under their wing to guide me into proper social “fitting in” ways. It would work for a while, but I always end up saying or doing something not “right”. :-)   The whole article is packed full of greatness, and it helped me to gain a bit more understanding about myself. It is also a great resource to help the kids as they get older. I am so happy to have people of all ages opening up and sharing their stories, it is going to pave a path for our kids to succeed so many ways.  Hopefully it will help change the perception and stigma in a lot of areas not only autism. I have a lot more to ponder so I am going to stop with that.

I watched these videos that were interesting as well:

Beau Lotto: Optical illusions show how we see

In this talk about optical illusions at the end he is explaining how they are transforming color into sound, I chuckled a bit because my mind already does that.

BBC Horizon: Do you see what I see? “The Himba tribe”

I did point out the different green square before they pointed it out. I can’t find the rest of the video. :-(

Do You See What I See? (I can’t get this one to play, but maybe some of you can.)

Update: I have currently tried to correct this post 8 times, and I am driving myself batty. If there are any inconsistencies or if I am not making sense, just let it slide. I have gotten brain clutter I think from everything I consumed, and I am having a hard time filtering. So now I am going to go paint. Dippity-doo! :-)


 

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12/26/11

Some Current Fixations

All of my fixations can be directly linked to my special interests. I call them fixations because they are not exactly my special interests, but feed into them. My main special interests would be spirituality, numbers, music, and literature (words in any form really). I make direct links to all of them in my mind and they branch out into other links. The brain and how it works I link to all of the interests I have mentioned, as well as space, nature, people, food, and many other things. If I see a picture I can link it to a number, or something that I read in a book, or saw in a movie. If I hear a word I can many times link it to a sound, a song perhaps, or the brush of wind blowing on a particular day years and years ago.

I didn’t realize it until last night that I am constantly telling myself a story.

I know that I am always talking in my head, but I didn’t grasp what I was doing until last night. Pause. Quantum leap ahead for a moment. I have been getting sucked into the National Geographic Channel recently, last week I watched Do Parallel Universes Exist? And then last night I watched Brain Games.  I would like to go into great detail about parallel universes, but I will control myself. I admit it is very hard. David mentioned an article sent to him by his father this morning about Quantum Entanglement and I got so excited. I had never heard of that, I started jumping up and squealing asking: “Oh, What is that?” I did hand flap and said: “Come on Sock Monkey, let’s go find out about quantum entanglement!” (While grabbing my sock monkey.)

Um…that would have been ok had David not been in the middle of a conversation with me.

Oops! I tried to contain myself to listen to him, but it was a little hard. I did apologize. See sidetracked again quantum leap back to the Brain Games section. They showed one on memory last night and it was so interesting. They had a simulated mugging, which the eyewitnesses did not know. They then questioned the eyewitnesses through various sets of inquiries, while the TV audience could participate as well. I could not believe all of the details they had forgotten and how they even confused them. My memory was spot on throughout the entire thing. (No, I did not use the DVR.) However, the one on perception well… I will say that I knew my brain has been messing with me my entire life. It’s so tricksy!!

I knew that my brain was missing something when they would give the perception tests.

It felt like all of my neurotransmitters were being forced to believe what was not true. I understood the false perception, but I could not make my brain stop seeing it as true. It captures my imagination so much that at times I have to cut myself off from this stuff. It is much like up in space, the galaxies, and the spreading blanket of blackness that is out there swimming with stars and planets. I get so wrapped up that I can lose myself here, or get really freaked out and panic at how big it all is. :-)   The comprehension of our minds and how much our perceptions can be off can consume me.

I link it all to my special interests listed above.

Everything that we feel, think, see, or experience is filtered through some perception. Our perceptions are filtered through our experiences that may or may not be accurate. This brings me back to my original statement about telling myself a story all the time. In the memory video the neuroscientist said that our brains are wired for storytelling. We remember details much better when they are given through means of a story.

Everything that I experience is through a nonstop narrative going on in my mind.

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Pictures are linked to stories, linked to movies, linked to songs, linked to faces.

It goes on and on. I have a never ending tale going on in my mind at all times. It gathers details and information and automatically converts into lyrics, poems, stories, and songs. I cannot recall a time ever that I have not had this going on, but I was also not wholly aware of it. I gain more and more understanding about this through reading things from people on the autism spectrum and other people who experience Synesthesia, or who are kind of quirky like me. I thought everyone did this. I thought everyone saw visuals in their mind, saw letters and numbers with colors, saw the vibrations floating in the air. I thought everyone was as interested in my interests and also that they experienced them in the same way. Some do share in my experiences, the majority do not.

No matter how many times I read or I am told this I do not remember because that is wrapped in perception.

When I seek out information about something I am not limited to what or why I am seeking it. Take my questions about my German ancestry — there was a series of other connections that made me question my mom about them. Granted I did want to feel connected to family, I also probed her about information about my dad’s family, and our Irish, English ancestry on her father’s side. BUT I wanted to know more about the German side because I had been reading about German mathematicians, writers, scientists, and artists. I was reading about them because a while ago I found a Google doodle that I loved.  (I have it on my desktop) It was for Mikhail Lomonosov’s 300th birthday. As I read about his education abroad, I connected other things that I had read not too long ago.

Then my grandma came to town which it is her family that came over from Germany.

This would be another reason for my questions about my ancestry, they are all linked. I do the same thing with my dad when I am with him about our American Indian (I do not know what is politically correct) ancestry. I think in my mind I may have wanted all of the questions answered to better understand myself. I want a correct history and perception so I have asked a lot. Each time during my interrogations I get more and more details and also bring up any inconsistencies. The whole time writing a story in my mind with words, sensory, and whatever colors my brain is tricking me with. My other fixation with Germany could very well be that I lived there as a child and I don’t remember, I have always wanted to go back, and it feels like I left something there. (My dragon maybe?? :-) )

There is an American Indian museum in my hometown that I would literally beg my mom to take me to.

I always wanted to go there. I begged my grandma as well — she actually worked there several years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to be there, I just felt comfortable while I was there. I explored the homes, studied their artifacts, soaked in the history, and there were parts of it that were in a huge wide open field that I would just run and run in. They would let me run, leap, do my cartwheels, and flips as I laughed. I think my mom enjoyed watching me do that because she was happy I was not doing it inside our small trailer, or off of the couch. :-)

Well there it is my brain swelling with all kinds of stuff again.

Back to my original quest here, my current fixations. The National Geographic Channel, Quantum Entanglement Wiki, The Ulam Sequence (Wiki Ulam), Kepler Mission, and relationships with people in general, but I did read this today Navigating Love and Autism. You may not see the connections, but they are all linked in my mind and contribute largely to my special interests. It is fairly certain that I am in an information gathering cycle right now. But all of these findings have been confirmation for me with things that I have been writing and it makes me happy. Oh, I forgot to mention my obsession with The Vatican Library that I briefly watched something about on 60 minutes last night, (in between Masterpiece Theater and the Bulls vs. Lakers) and I got so excited I didn’t realize that I was talking to the TV. :-/   The treasures hidden in there…sigh…

All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.  

For those who understand my number thing I just have to share this tidbit:

“Rose scored 22 points and hit a short go-ahead shot with 4.8 seconds to play, and the Bulls rallied from an 11-point deficit in the final 3:44 for an 88-87 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday”

Look at those numbers!! Ha ha ha I just noticed that this is my 422 post. :-)


 

 

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12/25/11

Sock Monkey + Shuffle + Boots = Happy!

This Christmas has been very surprising for me. I not only got some great gifts, but I am genuinely happy. I don’t know how to respond to myself. It is such an odd feeling that I don’t know how to take it in. I may sound really wacky, but it’s true. I have not been happy during the holidays in so long that I cannot even remember the last time. It was a great day yesterday at my mom’s house. The kids didn’t get too overloaded, my mom and I were both relaxed. We talked…well I probed her for more family history, while David kept the kids entertained.

Mom and I do not get to have many uninterrupted conversations.

I get this longing to want to know my ancestry during the holidays. There is so much history that I do not know, I think I want to know about it to help me feel connected. I am a bit obsessed with my German ancestors for various reasons, but one that I find fascinating is that they were frontiers. My great-great (something my mom cannot give the exacts)  grandmother and grandfather along with other family members came over from Germany, went to Pennsylvania and then took three wagons to Missouri. Some of them split off to Illinois as well. I think it is so intriguing to hear about and to think about them being actual homesteaders. My grandmother has all of the legal documents, with pictures and other items. I have not seen them yet.

I watched a series of PBS shows that I thought were so exciting and when I watched them it made me think of my ancestry.

My favorite was Frontier House. Although I am prone to be fixated on WWII, they had a 1940′s house that I liked as well. Ok I liked them all — except for the silly social dynamics that were going on. I enjoyed watching them experiencing those times with our current mindset. That was an interesting dynamic. It seems so difficult to live in those times now, but the human spirit is strong and adaptable so I guess it would work somehow. Here are the other ones I watched:

1900 House

Manor House

Regency House Party

I really enjoyed researching more history about them after I watched them. I was on a period piece kick during the time and watching all kinds of movies during each era. Wow! I digress…So as I was saying yesterday my mom and I were able to enjoy each other. We haven’t done that in a very long time, the kids were great, and everyone was fairly calm. I sat in pure joy wearing my new boots that she got me. She also made me a hat and scarf that I wanted. David made the comment about me having so many winter items in my wardrobe it seems like I do not belong here. The fact is, I freeze in 100 degree weather so yes, I can be found in boots and hat at any time of the year. :-)

As I sat on the couch at her house I was in a happy place.

David accused me of having a “bootgasm”. Blah! I was very happy with my boots. They do look similar to the other ones I got several days ago, BUT they are distinctively different. They have a lovely zipper going up the side that the others do not. I had to explain to my mom every detail down to the stitch showing her that they were different. She really didn’t care, but I had to show her the clear differences. Had to! As I sat on the couch, enjoying my boots, scarf, and hat I just felt at peace. It was calm, and I felt happy/sad. I seem to always be happy and sad at the same time, but it felt different this year. I do not know how to explain it. Well at least I can say that I am peaceful. David even commented later in the evening about how calm I was.

I am not usually like this.

Honestly, each year I am a mess by the time Christmas is here and I am usually full of anxiety. I will feel tense and sick, and just want everything over with as quickly as possible so I can pretend it will not happen again next year. I didn’t sleep very well last night, but I woke up calm. I have made a lot of changes in my thinking, and helping myself not to loop this year. I believe that and allowing myself to just be me has helped a lot too. The ability to be constructive with my thoughts and using them in a creative outlet instead of trying to figure out “why” I am having them has released me from a tremendous amount of anxiety.

The kids had a great morning.

It was great to see David open the presents that the kids picked out for him as well. David took them to get me presents also. It was so funny to see what they picked. Ariel picked out a sock monkey and leg warmers. Joshua got me a cook book with over 600 recipes for cookies. (hint, hint) Daniel got me a big soft red blanket. To my surprise David got me an iPod Shuffle.

I was not expecting anything.

And now I confess my love for yet another device. It is so teeny and cute! I love my tiny little Shuffle! I even love his tiny little box. I admit I did not want to open any of my presents because they were wrapped in wonderful number wrapping paper. I am known for ripping wrapping paper without a thought and tossing it all over. I did not want to do that to all the numbers dancing over the paper. After much coaxing from Ariel I finally did. There were some major hits around here. One my mom got for Daniel they are called Hexbugs. He LOVES them. He said that they are his pets and they are named Daniel.

Ariel has been waiting for her Dragon Fortress and is elated to finally have it.

Joshua had waited “forever” for his Lego General Grievous Starfighter and is a very happy camper now. The kids picked out The Big Bang Theory Trivia game (I may actually like that one, I like trivia games…sometimes) and Star Wars Monopoly for David. I am having loads of fun on my computer staring at my sock monkey and iPod Shuffle. :-)   I am going to be getting some tunes put on my little fella. I am off of here leaving with some lovely pictures.

Addition at 4:32 pm: My mom just left and as she was leaving she said: “This Christmas definitely goes down in history as one of the best.” She too is feeling the happy state even after leaving my sister’s house and stopping by here. We are calm, happy, and even got good gifts this year. It’s a Christmas miracle! :-)


 

 

 

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12/23/11

‘Twas The Friday Before and All Thru The House

Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. :-) I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. :-) )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven. :-)   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable. :-)

Ok, I am leaving for real now.


 

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12/21/11

Perfectly Worded!

I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. :-) I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers. :-)   I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)

 


 

 

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12/19/11

Crying In Wal-Mart

I am not talking about the kids. This holiday season has been a little different from the past. We have been doing a lot more social activities this year, and it has been good overall. Today is the first day that we have been home in several days, two weeks I believe. I may have to take my grandma to the airport later today, and I am taking Joshua out shopping tonight. I decided to take each child out alone with me so they could pick out presents for each other and for daddy. It has gone very well. Ariel had a wonderful time, and she loved thinking of things to get for them. Daniel was a lot more into it than I thought he would be. He did have a lot of fun and said: “I wish I could take a cart home.” I have taken them to Target and plan on taking Joshua there as well.

Maybe it is because I was raised in a Target and I worked there for long that I do not get as overwhelmed.

I do feel like Target is much calmer than Wal-Mart again that may be because I know Target. My mom started working there when I was 5 or 6 years old I think and stayed with them for around 23 years. Something like that. Anyway I am partial so maybe I am prejudiced against Wal-Mart. I bring this up because there are certain stores that can make me cry. It usually happens when I have been under tremendous amounts of stress, social anxiety, worried about finances, or the HOLIDAYS!

One of the grocery stores around here has made me cry.

It has on several occasions played songs that I have not heard in years that trigger certain happy/sad memories. BUT I will include that it is one of the coldest stores around here, the lights flicker, and the deli smell makes me gag every time I go in there so those could be a large contributing factor to my heightened sensitivity. I have had to go to the store practically every night, with or without a child. I had to go to Target the other day by myself and I decided to check out the boots. The kids ruined my last pair of tall black boots that I had since 1998. Well I do have one other pair of black knee high boots, but those have a heel and pointy toe so they are not the same at all. (Shoe obsession)

I went down the aisle and there was a perfect pair of knee high black boots, low heel so I could wear them whenever.

They were on clearance and only one pair for my size 8 feet. I grabbed them and put them in the cart. I then had a conversation with myself about being selfish and that I really should not get them. I then cried in the middle of the boot aisle at Target. The tears were a mix of feeling guilty, feeling stress about money, feeling the Christmas stress, feeling the stress of the kids meltdowns (though nowhere near what they have been like in the past), and the feeling of being so alien in this world. Some of this is not new — I have had it my whole life.

The holidays are so hard because of all the social dynamics, and people acting differently.

Since I have been out a lot more this year I think that my sensory issues have heightened a lot of this. I decided to get the boots and return them if we could not afford them. Thankfully I was able to keep them without guilt. :-) The kids are having a good Christmas because we purchased gifts throughout the year while they were on clearance. (and with family blessing us as well) I will hardly buy myself anything because my first thought is we have bills and we need food. I think to myself if I spend such and such amount on something that takes away from something else. It is hard to justify getting anything for me unless it is really cheap.

I got over my crying at Target and thought that I would be ok.

I ended up having to go to Wal-Mart several days later. There is nothing in one store around here! I have to go to five different stores to get everything and they are spread all across town. It is annoying even in a small town. AND now they have just built a Kohl’s store right across the street to taunt me for several reasons, one being my weakness for Kohl’s clearance. I am not a big frivolous shopper, but that store and Target tempt me like no other with their clearance. Well when I had money to spend. :-) Again I am all over the place, sorry.

I went to Wal-Mart and felt completely overwhelmed in the parking lot.

I went inside trying to focus and get what I needed, as to try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I couldn’t, I couldn’t remember why I was there, I couldn’t find my list, and I couldn’t remember where I put it. I normally check my person about three times before I enter a store. I check for my list, I check for my card, and I check for my keys. I had a purse that night, which I normally do not have. I forgot to check it. I stood in the front of the store completely lost. I know the entire layout of this store there is no reason for me to get lost. I was lost in the front! I finally remembered that I needed to pick up pictures and I went to get them. It required me to stand in line and wait that was good because I was able to locate my list and check for my keys and card to ease my mind.

After I left there I was still fuzzy headed, and freaking out because I was spending more money.

I went to the boys section to get them some pants because they only have a couple of pairs pajama pants. I stood in the middle of the boys section feeling like I was being swallowed up by the store and started to sob uncontrollably. I had my face in my hands and just cried. I couldn’t stop. One of the employees asked if I was alright, and I looked at her and laughed with my face dripping with tears. She must have thought I was mad. I wiped off my face, got some pants, and went over to the Kleenex section to take care of my nose. As I went throughout the store I continued to have tears if anyone looked at me, they would just start streaming.

I had floods of thoughts about feeling so alone.

It was not the lonely sad kind of feeling it was the lonely feeling misunderstood feeling. I looked around at all of the people and everyone seemed so capable. They looked like they were having fun or maybe it was the feeling of belonging that I saw. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because I am incapable of being ok when I am off schedule for days. When my shampoo/conditioner bottles are not aligned in my shower because the kids keep messing with them and when my house is not as clean as I want it. When I have to go to stores on multiple occasions, and their lights and smells bother me. When I am surrounded by people and I cannot relate to them. When I feel like I am walking outside of my body everywhere I go. When my grandma is leaving today, AND when I have not had any alone time.

I think I just need a break.

I think it’s funny that I tend to lose all control in the middle of stores or in their parking lot. It is not a bad thing it is acknowledging that I am overwhelmed and it is ok if I cry in Wal-Mart. I am not mad, I just don’t like that store so much it makes me cry. No, I am kidding. I needed to write this to let others know that if you are crying too it’s ok. :-) Maybe we should pick a store and start to have weekly cry meetings. We can have sensory/social overload groups every holiday season. I am glad that my meltdowns have turned to tears and laughing fits because before I used to be a rager. One time I kicked a plastic dog and broke my toe. I felt horrible for that dog, he was fine though. My toe is still not even years later. :-/ I put him in the garage sale mom and I had this weekend, it went well.

After today, I think I am going to get some paints and canvases and have a little quiet time.


 

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12/18/11

Daniel Speaking Truth…Eek!

My poor grandma got an ear full of Daniel speaking truth the other day. He said several times to her “You’re fat.” or “Why are you fat?” Then, “Why do you have white hair?” He also said, “Why does your voice sound like you are crying?” My grandma did not take the fat comment very well, and I think that she was waiting for me to address it the first time. Well…I wish I could say that I did and that I handled it like the adult mom I am supposed to be, but I did not. I laughed! Oh, my goodness, the HA! Ha ha ha came out of my mouth before I realized it and as soon as I did it, I covered my mouth, controlled myself, and said: “Oh, Daniel yes, grandma is back,” and I guided him to the back door to play.

Grandma did not buy it for a second.

I sat there thinking I could apologize or try to fix it, but then I thought that she knows that he is autistic and these things come out of his mouth. She knows that he meant nothing malicious by his comment — he was stating that she was larger than us, and he used the word fat. Later on when he did it again, and my mom was home, I did fix it by saying “You mean grandma is bigger than you?” Daniel responded with “Yes, grandma is bigger than me.” I am used to him saying those things to me all the time. I think it is hilarious when he says “Mom, you have a big butt.” I laugh and shake it and say “I know!” and then sing shake your booty or some other booty song. My butt is big compared to his tiny little booty.

That is what he is doing with his comments.

He states things that he sees, it is how he defines them the best that he can. It is a huge deal that he is becoming aware of his surroundings and the differences in people. I am not going to scold him for something that takes him a lot of effort to do. It could cause him to shut down. He is the sweetest boy, and if he understood that it hurt someone’s feelings by saying that, he would feel horrible. The thing is he doesn’t — he does not comprehend that yet, but he will as he gets older. So I am not going to punish him for making observations in his world and then saying them. It took a long time to hear that precious voice to begin with! Don’t get me wrong, I do not allow him to be hurtful or say things that can blatantly hurt someone. I try to explain things as best as possible. It is kind of hard for me to catch at times though since I am notorious for saying such things myself without a thought.

There is a reason why we do not think those things would be hurtful.

We do not think that way — we happen to say things that we observe and say them according to the defined vocabulary that we have in our heads. Nothing mean, vicious, or hurtful, only clear definitions and terms. The word fat to Daniel is currently defined as “bigger than me” and that’s all. It is that simple. I found it amusing because I know that his intentions were to say that grandma was bigger, and I thought it was cute that he used the word fat. All of the kids say things like that and I am so used to it that I forget that others could take offense. I have to confess though, I am not going to sit around correcting my children to be overly polite and try to spend their life trying not to offend people.

Someone always gets offended.

No matter how hard you try, someone will always misunderstand your words or motives. It offends me more when people get upset at kids for just being themselves, and stating things that they see so clearly. They say things that are filtered through their limited knowledge or understanding of things. I tend to get more upset at the adults because the kids do not know any better. Yes, they should learn, but I do not think that they need to be “set in their place” so to speak. Freedom to speak their minds gives us an incredible world of entertaining thoughts, and some wonderful things to think about. I think that we can learn a lot from their perspective.

I cannot recall if I have written the following story before, but I think it is quite telling.

I remember watching a program, though I do not remember what it was now. The mother was sharing how she was afraid to swim, or be near water. Her little girl loved to swim, and begged her mom to come in the water. The mother refused, and one day the girl said something like “Come on mom, are you chicken?” The mother burst into tears, and told her daughter how awful that was to say. She went on to tell the daughter how badly she had hurt her feelings, and that she needed to think of how other people felt before she said things. I am pretty sure that the girl was between 8-10 years old. The mom continued to talk about how she was afraid of drowning, and that she was fearful. She felt by her daughter saying that she was not being sensitive to her fears.

I sat watching this mother in complete shock.

It was baffling to me that this grown woman would expect her young daughter to understand how fearful she was of the water. Not to mention the manipulation of pawning off her own insecurities as the responsibility of her daughter. Her daughter did not know her fears, even if the mother had explained it in great detail. I am also not sure that she would have fully grasped the fear that her mother had of the water. She was a little girl. As I watched her sitting with her mother, her demeanor changed when the mom shared this story. Her shoulders lowered, and she looked down, and her face was a little sad, confused, or annoyed, I am not quite sure. The real kicker though was at the end when the mom said that her daughter had learned from her mistake and is now considerate of her mother’s feelings. I don’t take what my kids say to me so seriously. Maybe it’s because I understand that they are kids, they are testing out their language and social skills they need to have the freedom to learn without my fears trampling on them.

Things like this get me thinking about my own circumstances.

All of my life, I have had people make comments about my birthmark. Those who have read my blog for a while know that I have a port wine birthmark on the left side of my neck and about two inches across on my jawline. It has been the source of ridicule my whole life, and I must say some of the worst offenders have been adults. Since I have been around children so much, and I worked in children’s ministry for so many years, I am very accustomed to their honesty. They are the first to ask me about my birthmark and are genuinely interested in why I have it. I usually use it as a lesson in skin pigmentation, and they think that is so “cool”. I have seen parents freak out when kids ask me about it, but every time it happens, I get down at eye level with them, and explain what my birthmark is. I have always won the heart of every child who ever asked me about it, and they even think that it is cool afterwards.

I have been able to use my birthmark to help teach kids to be comfortable with whom they are.

I have used it in Bible lessons, and as a resource to talk about people who are different than us. The kids have always asked in curiosity. I have no problem with that — I have no problem when someone asks me if I have been burned or something. It does not bother me when it is a sincere question. However, in most cases all of those questions have been asked by children or teenagers. The reality is that I have had more adults stare in disgust, gawk at me, make rude comments, or even mock it. Those times, I get hurt the most because it is just plain rude, and for some reason I think adults should know better. I do get upset at times when I am reminded of my birthmark, not because it bothers me but because it bothers others. I think that has been a lot of my problem though, about my stims, behaviors, my feelings, my interests, and everything about me. I have been more concerned with not wanting to be a bother than being who I am.

The kids have asked me about my birthmark, and I have never felt insecure or like I needed to tell them how to ask me properly.

They have all asked why I have it and how birthmarks happen. They do not see it as a flaw or anything.  When we have been out, there have been occasions when we have seen someone else with a birthmark, and they got excited and said something about the person having a birthmark just like me. I think if there was more time spent on teaching about differences and the value of asking questions or stating truths we would gain a lot more acceptance and appreciation for the differences in others. It could help get rid of some of the projected fears people have. Maybe I am being too simple.

I guess balance is key here once again, though it is kind of hard since I am still such a kid myself! :-)

 


 

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