I just read Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 1 By Karla McLaren and Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 2 By Karla McLaren they are so good I had to share. It made me want to see where I scored on the AQ test again to see if there were any changes. I can’t find my last score, but I believe it was somewhere in the 40′s. This time I got a 42. Part One gave such great insight and comfort to me. I was feeling a bit lonely in my thoughts, but this helped bring some clarity even about some things I wrote about in my last post. I may be hypersensitive during the holidays because of my own past negative associations, but also because I am feeling other people’s emotions as well. Not to mention the increase in sensory input during the holidays.
This quote stood to me:
“In short, my friends on the Spectrum were overwhelmingly, intensely, unremittingly, outrageously empathic — not merely in relation to emotions and social cues, but to every possible aspect of their environment.”
Part Two I am digesting, there is a lot there to think about.
Both of these articles are a mix of many things that I am currently trying to understand about myself and acceptance of myself. I have come to more of an understanding of how empathetic I am and the kids are by realizing I had been comparing empathy to what is defined in a neurptypical mindset. After realizing this several months ago, I have been able to recognize how much my kids are expressing empathy and “feeling” or imitating another person’s emotions. I have also noticed that they are exceptionally sensitive their to environment. Actually, I have not just noticed I knew this before, but doubted myself and questioned what I was feeling because of what others had said.
This has explained a lot about their behavior and why they are so exhausted or emotional after we have gone to certain places.
They have the same sensory and social dynamics as I do. All of these years I have been feeling guilt about not putting them out there more thinking that I haven’t done enough. I do know they need to be out there socializing and experiencing new things, but I am sitting here thinking I am glad I listened to my gut instincts about certain places and people. Maybe I am not that off about what I feel about people or environments. The article gave me some confidence about some of my perceptions and feelings about what people have said or done in the past or even now.
I am weaving together several different things right now that all link to communication.
The article helped confirm some of what I had been working through, one of my biggest issues is being so confused by people’s actions and words. When their actions do not match with what they say or I know that they are not telling me the truth about what they really want to say or are feeling. It is a huge chunk of social confusion for me because I am unsure if what I am feeling is true or not. By the conflicting feelings that I am having with their actions/words I start to think that I am making things up.
I want to yell at them: “Just tell me!” (I always say that, I know.)
BUT I can handle it whatever it is just say: “it”. Of course the whole issue could be that they cannot handle “it” whatever it is. Maybe that is what is going on with the world, everyone is too afraid to say what is really going on in their minds. Who knows! I’ve probably said that before, I think I may be in a November loop of mine and not realize it. I do know that this is a great article and recommend reading it. There is too much I need to process and go over my drafts I have been writing to make sense of it all.
On a completely different note, but not really in my mind some pictures of paintings.
You can see the emotions coming through the kids and me in these. Happy, smiling eights, up in space, swirling around being giggly with each other. I wish Daniel had painted some more I love seeing what he is thinking, but he did not feel like it. The paintings that Ariel and Joshia did on the big paper were made specifically for me the other night because: “Mommy was feeling a little sad.” Daniel laid his head on my shoulders and wrapped his arm in mine for a little while. That was new and huge.
I am not sure if I felt sad for myself truly or if I was feeling someone else’s emotions. I do have several people in my life dealing with things that could be influencing me. I do have my own feelings that I am dealing with as well so it could be a mix. When I feel this way I do things to help me feel better. I started attempting to paint several months ago, I have always cooked or baked, and taken pictures when I feel sad or happy. I cooked all week, but I thought the stew and breads looked pretty so I put the pictures up.
The pictures are not new thing, I have always driven my mom batty taking pictures of strange things. (Well strange to her.)
I took pictures of what I found in her backyard. I got obsessed with a spider in her shrubs, I begged her not to kill it, but I am sure she will. She can justify killing it because she thinks it’s ugly, and she doesn’t have to touch it just spray and let it die. Maybe I will go back and save it before she can. I got fixated on rust, thorns, and other things I found back there. I have also been fixated on x, y, and z for the past two weeks. It started with x, but every time I drew or painted or typed about x the other two would not leave me alone. Then, when I started painting them the wavy equal sign would not stop swimming passed me so I made it too and have been thinking of them for days. I am not sure what that has to do with anything, I am off rambling again I am sure the article, paintings, and letters all connect in my mind somehow and I will figure it out later.