Daily Archives: November 20, 2011

Throne Of Lies

I copied that title from the YouTube clip I found. It is the clip from the movie Elf when he encounters the “fake” Santa. I think that scene is so funny. Especially, when he says: “You stink, you smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa” Lol! I bring this up because yesterday we went to see Santa for the first time ever. I am not big into the whole Santa thing, there is a history I think I have written before, but I cannot recall where it is on here. Basically I was devastated by discovering the truth about Santa Claus.

I was told by the babysitter’s daughter.

She and I almost got into a fist fight over the fact that she said that there was no Santa. She also said that it was a lie and Christmas is only about Jesus. OK! But she should not have been the one to tell me and say that my mom lied to me. I was about 8 yrs old I believe when this happened. I was not upset at the fact that Santa wasn’t real, I could grasp that what I could not grasp is my mom lying to me about it. Her rule was: “To always tell the truth and you will not get in trouble”. Although sometimes she didn’t follow that rule, and I would still get in trouble. And let me just add that rule does not work with other people it actually gets you in a lot more trouble! However, I am still struggling to make exceptions to that rule, it is hard-wired in my brain.

Anyway, from that moment on I realized that I could not fully trust my mom.

If I could not trust my mom, I could trust no one. Actually I had many other encounters by that age that made me feel unable to trust people in general, but it was a very confusing moment to me about people I trusted and didn’t trust. All because of Santa. :-) There were no clear lines so all my life I have gone back and forth on trusting people and not trusting people. It didn’t make sense to me why she would tell me such a lie and work so hard at keeping it a lie. My black-and-white thinking could not comprehend. I have been very honest with my kids about Santa. I felt like they would respond the same as I did for some reason, I had a gut feeling. So yesterday before we went to see him, I asked them how they would feel if we told them that he was real, but then when they were older we told them the truth.

They all told me that they would be upset with us.

When I asked them if they would feel like we had lied to them it was an unanimous: “Yes!” They are much happier knowing that he is pretend that is what they expressed. I went over and over it again telling them not to say anything to the other children though. We had a discussion as to why other parents tell their kids that he is real, and they are somewhat ok with that. Out of it the discussion went into tolerance and acceptance of others beliefs and traditions. Who would have thought seeing Santa would be so philosophical.

Daniel was really focused on speaking his scripts out loud.

“Santa is not real, he is pretend”

“Santa is just a guy, why is he just a guy”

“Do not tell other kids he is not real”

“Tell Santa what I want for Christmas”

“I want helicopters and fans because I like them”

“Santa does not smell”

“I smell like Daniel”

“Santa smells like me”

Those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

He went into the smelling thing because I asked him if he was going to tell Santa that he smells of beef and cheese. Ha ha ha I had to remind him of the movie. He took me literally, I do think it was a good thing because had Santa had a certain smell Daniel would have noticed and would have said something. Thankfully he didn’t seem to or the smells from the hardware store overpowered and he couldn’t smell him. We went to Lowe’s and build Santa sleighs and then had a picture taken with Santa. It was fun, the kids all did great, but were seriously overloaded the rest of the day.

I guess I was too because I ended up crying and shutting down later in the night.

I did go to the store and drove around a bit trying to stop, I think I am a bit overwhelmed with several things going on and feeling very alone and having no one to be completely open and honest with. I don’t know I feel very alone for some reason, even though I am not. The holidays seem to do that to me, remind me that I am surrounded, but still misunderstood or unable to spill what is inside of me completely. There have been several things to bring this to my mind, I confess my Santa trauma is one of them. People think I am ridiculous to be so animate about telling the kids that Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy or whatever are not real.

I didn’t even let the kids have a candy cane.

Some people gave me looks as if I were evil. The things people can judge you for are so strange. The guy signing us up called me “babe” and my face must have had a look that freaked him out because his face changed and he stumbled over his words. I was confused by it actually, he was a young guy so why would he call me babe? He didn’t know me, I had three kids, do I look like a “babe”, it seemed very inappropriate and I do not like the phrase babe anyway so I was offended. The good thing was that I did not shutdown or pour out my wrath upon him. Instead I said to myself: “Mom works here do not cause a scene. You have the kids with you do not cause a scene. It really is not that big of deal do not cause a scene. It does not matter, it meant nothing do not loop about it.”

I let it go and focused on the kids.

It was a big deal for me to let that go because in the past I would have looped or I would have yelled at him telling him that I am not his babe and he needs to stop treating women with disrespect. It just was not the appropriate time to give him a lesson on respect, and I realized it! Yea! I admit I still want to go back and teach him a lesson, but mom says it’s no use that is how he is. I am all over the place here. I am a bit off and feeling drained. It was a great experience for the kids. They were a bit awkward with Santa, um…Santa is another story let’s just say he has been trying to get a date out of their Grammy for a month or so. That is not happening. Thankfully he did not know that they were her grandchildren.

You never know who is sitting on that Santa throne.

I am struggling with feeling like a liar and a fake myself. I am processing all of that right now. Mom and David both told me that I cannot tell people everything. I cannot share completely because it can be hurtful to others and make me too vulnerable. It makes me feel sick and like I am hiding things. I have learned to hide things my whole life, but my emotions about it were internalized and I would make myself feel like such a bad person, I felt like I was a liar, and would spin my lies over and over in my head until finally they came out because I was in too much pain or I couldn’t live with the guilt. I am not talking about big huge lies even, I am talking about telling somehow how I felt or what was really going on. If I said that I was fine, I felt like a liar and would torture myself. Or if I said that I liked their hair when I didn’t I would feel sick for days.

I learned how to twist things in my head to make them not seem like a lie to me.

Other people would probably think that it was not twisting at all, but for me it is because it is not direct and exact. I am learning how to process boundaries about my emotions or feelings, and I am learning to find balance in what I should share and should not. However, in the process I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel like I have so many holidays past, so many days and years in my life, being alone in my thoughts while others are laughing and pretending, I am aching and hating on Santa. Ok, not really hating on Santa, but I am thinking he has a lot to do with my confusion about lies. I don’t want to sit on a throne of lies! I am kidding about Santa, I clearly have another whole post to write about what I am talking about here. :-)

What to share or what not to share: That is the question…


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