Daily Archives: October 8, 2011

Fascination With “The One”

My entire life, literally as far back as I can remember I have had this longing to find the one person who understood me. The person who wanted to be with me. The person who wanted me to be myself. The person who would enjoy me and I would enjoy them. I had no clear distinction between genders, it was not about that for me. I have tried to find this person my whole life. I have had best friends and other relationships that I thought could be it. Once I started to see how it was not fitting or that they didn’t really want me to be myself, I started to force it. I would force myself to change and conform to try to make it work. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I wanted so much to know what love was and to feel loved that I would do anything to try to achieve it at certain times in my life. Sometimes I still longed for that person, but I also felt fine alone.

The isolation and rejection I have felt for a lifetime has made the desire for “the one” very strong.

Most people define “the one” as being their spouse or significant other. I too have said this because that is what I thought you were supposed to have in a relationship like that. I never looked for someone to complete me though, I looked for someone to enhance me. I think that is the best word to use. I desired to just be me and have someone else who would be themselves also. Does that make sense? In a spouse or significant other I noticed that there were all of these stipulations and conditions that I did not understand.  So I didn’t spend much time concerning myself with that while I was younger.

As I got older it transitioned to more of a male counterpart other than a close friend type.

My “the one” thinking is similar to others though not limited to marriage or male relationships. At one time I had felt that I found both a connection as a friend and romantically with a person, but dismissed it as fantasy. After circumstances unraveled. It was quite surprising to feel both connections for me and I still am both confused and surprised by it. I still have the concept clearly defined in my mind as someone who accepts me fully and wants me to be me. I always felt that there was one person out there who would just know me. Understand me and fit. According to psychologists this is a fantasy. I agree to a point. I am not one to live in fantasy though I entertain quite an imagination, overall I am a realist.

I cannot seem to shake the feeling though.

I cannot cause myself to give up this notion that there is a person who understands me or wants to understand me. Maybe it was watching too many movies like Grease or Princess Bride or reading Jane Austen. While talking to David the other night the words came out of my mouth that “I need someone who is as obsessed with me as I am.” Lol! I did say that. (Could be perceived as selfish.) I do not mean that in a narcissistic way, what I mean is someone who has many similarities.

I feel accepted and loved when someone understands me.

When I am trying to explain myself all the time or I am misunderstood I feel rejected. The other thing is that it is natural for me to understand a person who connects with me. If we have many common interests, themes, or ways of thinking the relationship is much easier for me and I can enjoy them more. I am at ease and comfortable being myself, I do not constantly monitor or filter what I am feeling or thinking. I understand that there needs to be balance in that area too, I am learning stuff here, you know. :-) I also understand that these are normal things for people to feel whether they are on the autism spectrum or not. However, I think it may be more important for an Aspie to have “common connections” because otherwise the disconnect could cause many problems. There could be a lot more relationship issues and both parties can feel quite misunderstood and hurt.

David is the opposite in the regard to many commonalities he likes people who have many differences because he likes ideas.

He likes to fly around many thoughts and concepts at once and talk about them. He brought up this Seinfeld for me to think about. Funny stuff. He says that he loves that I am so unique and that I think differently than most. (some days maybe not so much) :-) He likes people who exhibit change, growth, and challenge him to think. I guess I do that a bit. I just want to be clear I do not want people in my life who are exactly like me, I just feel more comfortable with people who share many common interests with their own perspective.

When we talked about relationships from our past he has shared the different reasons that he liked them or was attracted to them.

And to my surprise how he has love for each of them even the ones that were not so great. I find that interesting. I do not think that way at all, partly because I think in many of my relationships I did not connect with them. I was just with them. I would like certain things about them, even love certain things about them. I would then, force myself to think it was it, this was going to work come hell or high water because I did not want to try to find someone again!

There is a problem though.

I have major intimacy issues. Let me change that, I am quite intimate with people or on my blogs where I am pretty much anonymous, (I am not referring to romantic intimacy that is a whole other topic I am not talking about right now.) when I connect to them. I share everything. I feel no hindrance or fear and nothing feels forced. I have only found a few people in my life that I can be like that with. However, after I share I feel quite vulnerable and scared that they will leave. I even do this with my mother. If I share something too personal she shut downs and I always thought it was because she was upset with me or was rejecting me. I have since discovered that she has to process. We process differently in some ways and similarly in others. One way that is the same is that in order for her to say exactly what she wants to say she has to think about it sometimes days or months.

BUT before I bring anything up I have already spent that time  processing.

I then, forget that she has not had the same length of time to process and I cannot understand why she is acting like that. I have gotten much better with this. I still have no idea what I do to people when I tell them what is on my mind fully.  I think that has been another reason for my fascination with finding the one person who would be able to handle me. I know the word handle sounds bad, but truly I do not know how to phrase it better. I seem to cause a lot of turmoil and be much work for people. I guess I am as much work to people as they are to me. :-)

I am not completely stuck on the “the one” concept.

I understand that it could be a fairy tale and placing that type of title on anyone can be quite damaging. Whether it be a friend or significant other.  How could anyone ever live up to being “the one” in another persons life? Though I do not mean it in the same sense as others do, it still could be quite a challenge. I accept people fully if they will allow me to know them. I will love them to my degree of love and I will share freely with anyone who will share with me as long as I feel safe. I have found people who understand me.

I have found people who like me.

They accept me for all of my intense, quirky and silly ways. I do not have 500 friends (I don’t want 500 friends) I have a handful who I treasure deeply and am very thankful for. No one person can fulfill the needs of another, I know that and it has never been my definition of “the one”. The one that I always dreamed of just loved me as fully as I loved them. With all of our flaws, differences, perfections, and wonderfully wired ways. (I borrowed “wonderfully wired” from Fi)  I know, I know go talk to Jesus. :-) I will add that I am also incredibly thankful for all of my bloggyfriends, even if we do not chat and hang out, I still feel connected and understood in bloggyland.  (“bloggyfriends” and “bloggyland” borrowed from Lisa)

I guess if I want someone obsessed with me I will go look in the mirror and have a conversation. HA! 

I am solely focusing on my fascination. I do not mean to imply that David does not support me or listen, he does. Even with all of the things that I have exposed about myself to him these last few months. It has not been easy on either of us, but it has been good because all of  this has exposed unhealthy patterns that we do not want to pass off onto our children. If it were up to me, I would end up sharing everything on here without a thought, but that is a line that I am learning not to cross. During all of this, I have been trying to understand why I think things, feel things, do not feel things, question my brain and research to see if others have any similarities. I have found some really good reads that I share below. I have many thoughts about what I read in these, some of them made me cry and feel comforted at the same time.

“True love” or Aspie affinity?-The Wrong Planet

Love and Asperger’s Syndrome – The Telegraph

Naked Brain Ink– Blog by a woman with ASD dealing with exceptionally personal issues like sex, intimacy, relationships etc… Many great articles

Love Is Not a Game –Psychology Today

Friendship Difficulties

I don’t have problems making friends, I have problems keeping them.

There are only few a people in my life who have stuck around and continued to welcome me back from a long hiatus. I take friend breaks because I get too overwhelmed. If I am connected to someone though, it can last a lifetime if they are accepting of my silence. I can count my close friends on one hand. They have degrees of availability to my heart depending on how much I am able to share with them and not freak them out. :-)  If they were not willing to stay during my quiet times, I would have no friends outside of David, my mom and my aunt. Writing this all out and reading the various articles and blogs have helped me tremendously. I am just amazed that so many things come naturally to others and not me. At least I have found that I am not alone and share many of the same issues as other Aspie’s, even NT’s.  I am glad that I can find things to read from other Aspie’s though to help me process and filter through from many different perspectives. It helps me to understand myself and discover my feelings.

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