Monthly Archives: October 2011

10/31/11

Happy Halloween! Or Monday Whichever…

My brain is all jumbled. I have so many things that I want to write, but the words keep running into each other and getting mixed up with different connections and topics. I decided to just put up some pictures that make me smile and write whatever pops out. Daniel kept me up off and on through the night because of his allergies, I am a bit tired. Everyone is feeling rather anxious/excited about tonight so I am sure that has a lot to do with my fuzzy brain as well.

I am quite smiley, despite my jumbledness and tiredness. :-)

It is gray and cloudy here this morning so I looked at some of my lovely cloud pictures from the past few days that I have gathered. I think that they are pretty cool so they are going up. The kids made some fun projects so pictures of those are going up. I got fixated on some squash the other night, I found their colors and designs interesting. I almost couldn’t cook them…almost. Joshua made Star Trek figures, Captain Kirk, Spock, and Dr. McCoy.

They had to go up!

I am not a big Star Trek or Sci-Fi type of person, but they are worth watching to see what these guys come up with. :-) Alright I am just rambling. I had better stop before I share things that are rather embarrassing, like how I made up pick-up lines that a computer would say in my head the other day, and almost fell over laughing so hard at myself. Yes, I did. :-/ I got confused faces and a eye roll once I tried to explain why I was laughing. Lol! Just a silly post to help me get unjumbled. Ok, bye!

 

 

 

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10/28/11

Big Picture Ramblings

I must be back in a “seeing numbers in everything” loop because they have been popping out at me again lately. I normally see numbers, it doesn’t go away, but when they operate in this loop they become breathing and moving organisms in massive settings. I see them dance, play, fold, mesh, and flow out of things. There is an added intensity because of their color or how some numbers come at me in black-and-white. I really enjoy when the numbers play with me. They have been my close friends for a lifetime. Last night I went for a bike ride, and as I was saying: “hi” to all of the trees and bushes I noticed how their leaves or trunks would fold into numbers.

I could see bunches of numbers, double digits, or single digits.

I was in high-speed last night because I had a lot of energy and wanted to ride my bike like a maniac! :-) As I flitted across the road I was captured by pine cones and their numbers, a lizard that popped out as a striped 21, a black spider crawling he was an 8. Spiders always remind me of eight, I am sure it is as simple as their number of legs and pairs of eyes. I rode past the ponds and the ripples flowed into masses of numbers folding into smooth calm reflections. The sky made the water look pink in the silhouette of the trees in the background. They all blended in number and color. I also noticed that their vibrations were forming the numbers, the vibrations of the still tree trunks. The bouncing of the sounds from each number, color, and vibration I saw in the scenery surrounding me.

That is my “big picture” thinking.

I get captured in the details of these things and lose track of time and even the things going on around me. I think this is why I could spend hours outside by myself as a child and even as an adult. As a child I was outside from the time the sun came out until it was too black to see. As long as I was in eye-shot my mom was fine with it. I get intrigued by certain things and they can make me start thinking and seeing things with a certain intrigue to investigate this world. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to “play” basketball. We had a great time, but the sound and feel of the bounce and vibration of the ball does something to me. It wakes up some sort sensory chamber and gets me seeing with intensity. I think this may be a reason that I would practice dribbling so I could watch and listen to the world that it opened up for me.

I have found no other ball that does that for me. 

The sounds are not the same when you kick, or throw, or toss a ball. A kick ball has a nice ping sound, but not the same and it does not produce the dynamics of acoustic waves that a basketball does for me. This sound, sight, and feel of the tiny bumps on the ball give some sort of sensory stimulation in me. It helped the flow of numbers and colors that were already at play manifest in a greater way yesterday. For me all of the little details are the big picture, but others would say that I am caught up in the minute details. It reminded me of the poem I had written the other day Hidden Lyrics. I wrote this poem based on a vision (movie) playing in my mind. I was transported into the depths of a human heart. As I looked around it twisted into DNA strands, which to me manifest into lyrics.

I was captured by the strands of a mass of people.

The strands had music and lyrics that twisted and folded into helical formulas. The DNA strands each coded with every person’s own genetic formula, any missing spaces had silence, but then would wrap into lyric and song. There was certain code that had no words only a tune, but they all flowed together into what made the person. Their songs still playing and twisting out, but some lyrics were muted. They rose to the surface to create a person and the individual was born. I mixed the poem with my own personal emotions as well, but in all of those details I saw the “big picture”.

It makes me wonder what it truly means by big picture.

What do we lose when we do not reflect on the minute details to look at a mass as one instead of seeing the “one” as the mass? The other intriguing thing about this poem is the picture. I found the picture after I had written the poem and when I saw it I thought it was perfect. I so wish I could paint or draw what is in my mind fully. I went to the page about the artist and was captivated. This taken from her bio caught my attention. “Crick explores this idea through encaustic painting and print-making by mixing impulses from both sides of the brain: logical and random, methodical and intuitive, textual and visual.” I recommend reading her bio and checking out her art. I find it so interesting that several months ago I started my attempts at painting and drawing, but the images I felt would be perceived as childish or silly.

I never thought I could paint or draw the images that floated about in my mind, or I thought I would be laughed at.

The paintings that started to come out of me were swirlies, infinities, numbers, and strands of what look like infinities connecting to each other or through each other. These painting or doodles help me a great deal to process and they make me very calm. After searching for images for my poem blog, I became aware of how many other artists are out there painting these images. They are from all walks of life. They are extremely spiritual, scientific, or no beliefs at all, they are angry or full of joy, and they have beliefs that range from organized religion to New Age. I find it interesting and fascinating that we are all separated yet connected. It gets me thinking about what causes our divisions amongst our human clans. What is it that keeps us hiding our lyrics from one another or stopping to listen to another person’s song? I know why I do. I drown out their lyrics or tune because they confuse me, hurt me, anger me, or judge me.

I would like to know what it looks like to have harmony with our human songs playing and being heard together.

I am not going to bust out the Coke Coca Cola song, ok I am! Too bad I do not drink soda. :-)   Seriously, all of this has me pondering about the big picture because I am supposed to be focused on that and not the details according to the world. However, the world seems to be missing a lot of the big picture by not seeing, acknowledging, or even stopping a moment to see what the details actually have to tell us about their big picture. I guess that is my rambling for the day. I am off to have some fun with the kids and gather up all of their details. :-)


 

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10/26/11

The Library Incident

I conquered a real fear (fabricated, self-induced) yesterday, of the library in this town. It was quite tragic since I do love libraries. Actually, the big thing was that I didn’t even think about it. I just said kids we are going to the library today and I had no reservations or anxiety at all. You may be wondering what on earth would cause someone to have anxiety or fear about the library. I too was quite confused and discouraged with myself, but after what had happened I could not think of the library here without reliving the incident and the feelings that overwhelmed on that day. There had been a time when I was taking the kids to the library every two weeks and stocking up on tons of books.

I would place books on hold and normally it was over 25 or more each time. (we have 5 library cards)

On this particular day it was a Saturday, we had been to the beach and the library was on the way home. There were several books on hold that were going to be put back if I did not pick them up on that day. I had actually been there during the week to drop off some books, but I could not stay because I had all three kids and Daniel was seriously overloaded from some other place we had gone, I cannot recall now. I think it was the store. I saw all of the holds we had and I also memorized the location so that I could go in and grab them the next time. Sometimes it is difficult to find our holds.

Unfortunately, we got to the library on that Saturday about 15 mins. before closing.

I ran inside and went straight to the books. Keep in mind I have the library bookshelves and complete layout memorized of this place, it is considerably small. As I walked in three women behind the desk all gave me a look. I went straight to the bookshelves and our lot was gone! I panicked. I couldn’t stop looking at the empty space and think to myself why were they all missing. I was already filled with anxiety because I came in so late, I do not like to come in at almost closing anywhere. I know how it feels to have people come in at the last moment when you have almost completed your day and you just want to leave. I felt bad for that, and I was overloaded from trying to keep Daniel from escaping into the abyss of the sea.

He was still unaware of the dangers of running into the ocean without me at that time.

My brain was in a frenzy and I could not think. I remember the only thing that was running in my mind was “Where are the books?” In my peripheral vision I could see gaps and holes on the bookshelves so it made no sense to have all 25 books moved from the spot that it had been in.  My panic had wasted five minutes. I started to breathe heavy and I started sweating. I went up to the counter and told them that my books were gone one woman asked quite rudely: “Did you look for them?” I said: “Yes, they were there just the other day, and some of them were supposed to be pulled today, but not all of them.”

She looked at the clocked, huffed at me, and walked over to the holds.

She asked me my name and the other women looked behind on their carts to see if they were there. The woman at the holds shelves yelled: “Here they are!” As she walked over she said: “You looked for them? Well obviously not very hard.” I told her exactly where they had been the other day,  but that they were no longer there, she replied: “Well they must have been moved, if you would have looked for them you would have found them.” At this the other women were chuckling. I felt sick and just wanted to run out of the library with no books at all. It was now closing time, the lady walked over to lock the door and made sure that I knew the library was closed, BUT they all had to wait until my books were checked out.

I cannot tell you how many times I apologized to them.

I did feel awful, it never occurred to me that they would move such a large number of books to another place. It did not make sense and seemed to be quite inefficient to do so. It had crossed my mind, but seemed illogical.  My mind was in such chaos that I couldn’t even think straight. The woman continued to make remarks and I finally said: “I said I was sorry, I truly am.” And I did stare at that little mean woman. The other women stopped laughing at that point and started to tell me that it was ok and don’t worry about it. I was so angry and upset by the time I left there. And the woman made sure to be the one to unlock the door to let me out. I had not stepped foot into the library since that day, until yesterday that is. I used the drop box outside to leave the last round of books. It has been over a year that I had been filled with fear, anxiety, and anger about what had happened.

I couldn’t understand why the woman would not let up.

I understood the reasons for me causing frustration, but to not stop after I apologized and to even continue to make digs about my incompetence and also to make sure I felt all of her frustration with added the drama of unlocking the door and such, did not make sense. I had other frustrations with that library anyway, the woman who runs the children’s program yelled at my mom one day because we didn’t stay for a movie. I had already been going to weekly children’s book readings, which were quite a challenge with Daniel at the time. I even stayed after one day with the kids and talked to this woman in great detail about Daniel being autistic and explaining some of the issues for him during the group sitting. She was very pleasant at that time. However, one day I came in during one reading time forgetting that they were having the children’s book reading, and she came up to me with an attitude and asked: “Aren’t you going to go to the book reading?”

I explained to her that I couldn’t I had other plans with the kids.

She huffed at me and said something about how she doesn’t understand why no one cares about reading to their kids. It was ridiculous really. I was holding a stack of children’s books in my hand. If that woman truly knew how many books I read to my kids, I think she would faint. That happened before the other incident. Our regular visits were quite a challenge. The fluorescent lights bothered all of us, there was the buzzing and flickering, the smells, and I got quite freaked out over all of the “sticky” books, toys, tables, etc…I would wipe down each book with cleaning wipes when we got to the car. Everyone got hand sanitizer doused on them. :-)   Daniel would run around the place searching for the noises or trying to climb up the shelves to get fans.

It was not so much fun.

Yesterday was perfect! I had no fear walked right in, the kids and I went to the kid’s section, and Joshua and Daniel sat right down. They played and picked out books to read. Ariel read several books while there, I read several books to them, they were all calm. Daniel did not run away, or try to find fans, or get overloaded while we were there. When I said that it was time to go, everyone listened and we all stood in line waiting. WHAT? In the past it was Ariel standing in line quietly, Joshua flopping on the floor, and Daniel running around the front of the library, going behind desks, and going into rooms that he is not supposed to.

Not yesterday.

It was quite a pleasant experience. Except for the fluorescent light that was broken making a horrible buzzing sound and blinking. Daniel kept asking: ‘What is that sound?’ Finally the light burned out while we were there and it was amazing how quiet it seemed. Well, leave out the tons of questions Daniel asked because he wanted to know why the light made noise, blinked, and then broke. We will try the library again, and I am not going to allow what rude people do make me fearful or keep me in anxiety.

I am very happy about getting over the “library incident” and extremely happy that the kids and I enjoyed the library.

Our library/cemetery field trip.


 

 

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10/23/11

Processing…Processing…Processing…

Yes, that is what my brain is doing. I have written four posts over 1000 words about communication and looping. I am not sure that I will publish them I have just written them. I need to make sure that they make sense. While processing I do very well at cleaning so today I cleaned up the backyard. The patio area got really gross from storms and lawn people and such. As I cleaned up for the first time I actually realized that I had tried to recreate many things from my childhood for my kids. All of the positive things for me, like being surrounded by books, music, doing crafts with my mom and baking with her, and the time I spent alone outside with the volley ball net set up practicing volleyball. Or playing badminton by myself running under the net to try to hit the bird.

I had a softball and mitt and would toss the ball high up in the air and practice my catch.

I had a kickball, croquet set, along with my black basketball (loved) my softball mitt was black too. My step-dad played a lot of sports as well, like softball, basketball, and rugby. He was a wrestling fan as well so that was on the TV A LOT. It’s so funny he was the opposite of my mom in so many ways. The only sport my mom ever cared for was boxing, which is very strange since she cannot stand the sight of blood or people getting hurt. Very strange indeed. As I was outside cleaning I noticed that the kids have a basket of balls, a tee ball thing and a kiddie play golf set. I wanted to get them a croquet set, but I haven’t found one at a good price.

While I was cleaning up Ariel and Joshua played football.

They were running, throwing the ball, and tackling each other. They played with their kiddie badminton racquets and then soccer, oh, I forgot I had a soccer ball too as a kid. When I was finished both of them had gone inside and it was Daniel obsessing over the air conditioner fan and me. I grabbed the basketball and started flipping my wrist tossing the ball in the air. Daniel thought that was awesome and wanted to try. He wanted to use a different ball though. So I taught him how. Then, I taught him how to throw a football and kick a soccer ball. He did it for a while, but the fan was calling. I decided to practice some of my basketball moves and to my surprise it just came right back to me. Like riding a bike and it was awesome!

Joshua came out and said: “Wow! Mom I didn’t know you could do that. You are fast!”

Well since he doesn’t really know any better I guess I did look pretty fast with my crisscross, jump, ball toss in the air. Ha ha ha The dribble just came out of me like lightning! I kid. However, to Joshua it was impressive and I have to say I have a big smile on my face because it was fun. There is a court nearby, I think with the cooling weather it will be fun to take them out to shoot some hoops. :-)   Daniel may get distracted with the bouncing sound and vibrations from the ball like I did, but I think it will be worth it. I know that Ariel and Joshua will love it, plus there is a huge open field and we can use that for football and soccer fun. I think I am finding new ways (getting old ways back) to help me process.

I guess I am getting my game on! Lol!

Ok, really what I have discovered is that my brain has gotten a lot less cluttered and jumbled by creating blogs (a database for each part of my brain) to separate the different interests I have. I am discovering my cycles and also remembering them from the past. I have not pinpointed when they come, but in basic terms I have visual, information input (consume massive amounts of information on a topic)/analytical, creative, intensely active/productive, and downtime (I don’t want to do anything except movie/show watching.) cycles. Some of them will work together like input and visual, but also connects to music. However, since finding ways to organize and funnel my thoughts I have been able to stay in a creative mode. Actually it has taken my constant input, (different from my all consuming input mode) and given it direction to help me process. I have been slowly progressing into this over the past year, but didn’t realize how beneficial it was for me.

Creating different blogs has made it easier to organize my thoughts onto each of them.

I have this one, which I consider my analytical special interest blog. I have my poetry blog and my stories and random thoughts blog to help me process emotions and whatever. I have a music blog, but I have not shared it because it is kind of intimate for me. Music can make me feel exposed at times, even if I am just listening to whatever. It is hard to explain. I also have a fear of being judged for the music that I listen to. (I know I shouldn’t, but I am working through that) I have now started a home school blog to help me do a quick paragraph or so with pictures. I can recall every detail of the day from the paragraph or photos so that will help for year end evaluations. Now that I think of it perhaps I should just do a picture blog too! Yeah, I don’t know about that one yet. :-)

I am feeling much less chaotic in my thoughts.

I am also getting better at writing faster since I have these separated. It helps me write in the correct (category/file) place and leave it. What has been happening is that all of them mix and flow together since I have so many connections. I now see when all of them flood me they come rapidly and are hard for me to separate and process, especially if there are emotions that I do not understand or I am confused about involved. It takes me longer to process emotions. David has explained to me before my connections do not always make sense to others. Or they are too detailed and cause other people to get jumbled. I can understand that, I do that to myself! :-) The more that I have been separating my connections into categories that are natural to me, the easier I find it to help me see the details and determine what is of great importance and what is not. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others, but I do know that I am good at blogging, I really enjoy it, and it seems to be helping me find my balance.

Picture time! :-)


 

 

 

 

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10/22/11

Conversation With My Mom

I have been having the whole science fair experience still running through my mind because it opened a ton of other memories. I realize how I have blocked out a lot of things through different means, and every time it would start to fail I would find another distraction to keep me from feeling or dealing with it. Since I have had these memories come up I decided to ask my mom about it. She had a vague memory about it, but she remembered that I had won and she remembered several science fairs that I had been in. She was able to bring to light a lot of things that were going on behind the scenes. (I may have written some of this before, I am on a loop that is opening more memories so that happens and I cannot remember.)

During ages 9-13 I had a lot of change and things going on.

My mom got remarried, my dad and step-mom had my two sisters, my mom and step-dad had my other sister, (another came when I was 14) we moved into a much nicer trailer then into a house, my dad and step-mom and sisters moved out of state, I started middle school and was thrown into a whole new social world, and that is all I can recall at the moment. Nothing was explained to me I just needed to deal with the change. While in middle school my mom got promoted and was working a lot more so the person who was frustrated with me the most was my step-dad. He was not happy about that and he was also upset that my mom was making a great deal more money than him and was home a lot less.

I have felt tremendous guilt about ever saying anything negative about my parents.

I never mean to make them sound badly, but there are things that truly affected me and thwarted me because I did not know how to read them or communicate to them. I brought it up to my mom about her being disinterested in my schooling and after school activities, and I told her that I was not trying to make her feel bad, but I needed to talk about it. She point-blank told me that she wasn’t going to own that guilt. She said that she had enough guilt about things and that she could not take on things of the past like that. I was so happy to hear her say that. It actually lifted something off of me too, I think it was my whole trying to manage her emotions thing I try to do. What she said was: “It was how I was raised, I didn’t know any better and I cannot feel bad for what I did not know. I cannot do anything about it now.”

I really thought that was great and I had a moment where I could see her efforts in a new light.

Part of our Aspie issue is caring guilt or fault for things and it can be detrimental at times. I was happy to hear her say this because it meant she was not going to be bound by those thoughts and that both of us could talk about it and move on. I love that part about my mom, many times we can remove the emotions and deal with the situation. Although it depends on the situation and I never know what will be an emotional trigger for her.

She does not share the same interests as myself and when I share things she seems aloof and distant.

Even today I started talking about the Fibonacci Number and I thought that she would be interested since it is used in art, but the second she heard “number” I lost her. I tried to explain it to her, but she just didn’t get it. In the past I took that reaction as rejection or that she was completely  uninterested. The truth is, she is not interested in it because she has not made her own connection to it. If I were to show her through different means of art and take her through drawing a pattern of the florets of a flower or the spiral in a shell she would get it, but she has to want to get it. I now see just because she doesn’t get it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t.

I have always assumed that if others were not interested in what I was interested in, then I should stop it.

Or I thought that I did not understand it well enough to talk about it so I kept it to myself. I am not upset at my parents about anything, I am frustrated that I was unable to pursue my passions because of my own self-doubt. I am so relieved to not be responsible for my parents emotional stability. Every time I write something about my parents that could be perceived as negative to me I feel physically ill. I worry and fret over my posts and I get afraid that I will hurt their feelings or upset them. I have done this my whole life, which is another reason why I have not been able to process my own emotions.

What happened during those years, my mom worked a lot.

Even if she wanted to participate in my school life, she could not because she was trying to give me and her a better life. She worked hard and still does. She supported me by giving me things she knew that I loved. My room during those years was pretty awesome. I had my half bath in my room, it was at the other end of the trailer so my mom and step-dad could not hear anything that I was doing, it was right next to the kitchen, sweet! I had a phone, a small black-and-white TV because I had insomnia and would stay up all night and used it to help me fall asleep, I had an awesome stereo with a turntable, cassette player, and FM radio, and at around 10 I got a Texas Instrument TI-99/4A. My room looked much like my house now.

Exclude the phone, I didn’t really talk on it a lot. It was a see through one that I thought was cool to look at. :-)

I talked to her about my room and all of the things that I had, she said that I was always interested in that stuff. I had forgotten that even as a little girl I wanted to assemble the electrical equipment or take things apart and put them back together. I got in trouble for messing with the stove, I lit the kitchen on fire when I was like four years old because I was trying to light the gas stove. I climbed up onto the counter and got the matches out of the cabinet. I was also interested in dressing dolls, not playing with them just dressing them and then setting them up in rows. My stuffed animals were all organized and lined up on my floor and specific ones on my bed. They were my audience and my friends. I wore dresses with shorts along with boots or no shoes at all.

I caught critters and played in the mud, but freaked out when it was on me. :-)

My mom reminded me of many things about myself today. My mom supported me the best way she knew how, by letting me be. She allowed me to be alone in my world and create my own worlds. I thought it was lack of interest, but in her mind it was freedom. Not that it was the best thing in the world to do, but I have to say my mom never forced me to conform. She may have told me how I should be or that my way was wrong because it didn’t look like what she thought was right, but she didn’t stop me. There are many great qualities about my parents that get taken away because of my negative loops. However, I need to acknowledge them, understand my emotions, process everything, and move on. I am feeling a bit of validation today by my mom acknowledging the things about me that I had hidden away. I have been afraid to say the things that I like or love to do or think about because in the past I felt rejected or wrong for them.

This has been a great eye opener to what I have lost about me, reclaiming those things, and I find it quite freeing.


 

 

 

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10/20/11

Dreams Can Be Silly

I have some pretty intense dreams sometimes. I think my brain does a lot of processing unbeknownst to me and I wake up discovering answers days later. Sometimes they are just goofy. I had a dream several days ago, maybe a week I cannot recall. I remember parts of the dream I am not going to share it, it is far too detailed and wouldn’t make sense to many people. However, I thought the person that was in it had hidden something from me or was keeping something from me on purpose. I was trying to get them to tell me what they were keeping from me. They would not.

All they did was look right at me, no expression and said: “misty”.

In my dream I asked if that was a girl or someone of importance and they would not answer me. There were other things, but I will spare you all of the colors and intricate details. The dream had upset me, I believe mostly because it was confusing. I finally forgot about it and didn’t think of it again until today. I used the word “misty” in a poem. I know full well what misty means, but for some reason I wanted to look it up. When I looked it up videos popped up of a song. At that very moment I looked at the video pictures of Ella Fitzgerald and Julie London and I had a flash of the dream. It flooded my mind and I thought it was all quite amusing.

Not the dream. :-)

I decided to listen to the songs and realized that I had heard it a ton of times in my life, but I did not know the title. I am in a rather silly cycle right now and feel the need to share things that I normally keep to myself. I wasn’t as moved by the Johnny Mathis version. The other two made me smile so I am sharing them. Maybe I just like the song because they sing about a kitten, a cloud, and violins. Hee hee Hope they will make you smile too. :-) Excuse me I am going to go dance with the cat now.

Julie London-Misty

Ella Fitzgerald – Misty

Cat get up and dance. (giggle)


 

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10/19/11

Science Fair, Huh?

Sometimes I Google my name to see what pops up. I not only cyber stalk others, but myself as well! :-) I actually do it to make sure there is enough misinformation so people who I do not want to find me won’t. I know I sound a bit paranoid, I am not really there are some freaky people from my past that I would prefer thought that I fell off the face of the earth or that I am living in seven different places with several different aliases. I pretend that I am a spy sometimes. Just kidding! I cyber stalked myself the other day and again the top link is a family ancestry with the wrong birthday.

I have told my great-aunt several times that it is the wrong birthday, but she has not changed it.

I don’t know what she did to the ancestry website. It used to be super cool and it dated back to year 1200 or something with lineage from Germany, England, and France. I really wanted to study it sometime, but she changed it and now I cannot find any of that information clearly. Sorry. So the usual links were up some were me some were not. I like looking at the “not” me’s too that can be fun. I clicked to the second page and noticed my name in the newspaper of my hometown. I had not seen this before or I didn’t notice, it was for a science fair. I clicked on it and discovered that in 8th grade my partner and I had won in a science fair.

Under the category “Medicine and Health”

The project was comparing what plants and medicine have in common. I was shocked when I read this. I had a vague memory of it and I also had some memories of other science fair projects that I had done. At first I thought that maybe it was a mistake. Then, I started to recall the memories. It was another time when the whole event was turned into a negative. I started to recall many memories regarding school. One of my biggest problems with school happened to be my mom. I really wish I could explain this in a more positive light, but I cannot. My mom showed no interest in my schooling, she hated school and projected that on me as well. All she wanted was for me not to bring home bad grades so she didn’t have to deal with it.

After school activities were an aggravation to her.

I remember in third or fourth grade I started to want to go to the basketball games on a regular basis. I could as long as I found my own ride home. She did not want to pick me up or she could not because she was at work. However, she still didn’t like me going. She didn’t like me going over to friend’s houses, but she would let me as long as the parents brought me home and I wasn’t late. I think it was in fifth grade that I wanted to do track and I talked her into letting me, but I had to find my own way home. With the pressures of having to constantly ask people to take me home and the fact that my mom had no interest in it, I stopped. There were other social reasons as well dealing with competition, but that is another part of the story.

I was able to participate in one event for track though.

They had several other options as well and one of them was the football throw. Yes, I did do the football throw, I was pretty good at throwing the ball a far distance. :-) I had a friend who played basketball for a while too, she was considered a tomboy more so than myself and she was really good at basketball. I played with her at recess. My problem though is that I really like the sound of basketballs bouncing and I like the vibrations that I see when it does bounce, needless to say I got distracted a lot. I used to play with my basketball in our driveway all the time. I liked spinning it with my wrist into the air to see how high I could get it. I would practice spinning it on my finger (I cannot recall the correct terms) but I remember one of my favorite things to practice was the crossover dribble.

It reminded me of a “V” as I did it.

Also I like it because it made a balance move for me, I was using both hands and swayed my body, it could be kind of like a dance move. :-) My mom hates sports and my dad was severely addicted at one point. Now it is running. When I lost that friend I didn’t really have anyone to practice with anymore. I could not with my dad because he would tell me all of the things I needed to work on and explain to me for hours how I had messed up. Do it perfect or don’t do it at all. Be number one or just forget it. He was an all-star athlete in school, he was unable to play basketball because it clashed with other sports schedules. As an adult it became an obsession and let’s just say the family reunions were not fun and someone always got hurt. I just wanted to “play” flippin’ basketball with my dad. My sister took the basketball reigns and was awesome! However, my dad was her coach and I am not too sure what all happened, but she quit and that was unfortunate. She was really good.

I got sidetracked I have a lot of sports stories.

I usually do not talk about any of them or I just say that I do not like sports so I don’t have to think about it. Back to the science fair, I remembered that I got yelled at because I had to stay after school and someone needed to pick me up. I remember that it was a major disruption for me to go over to my partners house. I remember that she was also frustrated with me because I could not spend the large amount of time that we needed to put the project together. I also remember that I really enjoyed it and was quite fascinated with our project. I think I blocked a lot of things like that out because I have so many negatives associated with it. I gave up on trying to keep my grade point average up by the end of 8th grade because the only reason why I wanted to was so I could stay on the dance team. BUT I had to be at every basketball game and special event, unless I could get someone to take me I got yelled at for needing my mom or step-dad to take me and pick me up.

It was really the only thing I loved at that time, dancing at being at the games. (remove social confusion that is)

I had one of those moments the other day where I got really angry. I feel like this was just plain wrong. I should have been able to go to events and participate in sports, science fairs and the dance team without being responsible for myself or feel guilty for wanting to participate. My mom didn’t understand it and she thought that it was stupid. It feels wrong that I could not share with my parents. I remembered that I didn’t even tell my dad about the science fair because the other ones that I was in he either took over about himself as a kid or he told me how great some other person did in their project. I am not trying to parent bash here I just really don’t get it. Well I do, my mom had no interest in the things that I was interested in and if she is not interested or she dislikes it, it doesn’t exist. My dad I have several things in common with, but I cannot talk to him about them and I definitely do not want to try them because then it becomes a competition between us.

If I did well he would have to try to beat me.

He does this with everyone and I do not know why. It makes me very thankful that he cannot dance or write the way that I do because there is no competition. Although it doesn’t get recognized. I think that is better actually, I would rather it be that way after thinking about it. All of this has got me thinking and challenging the negative thoughts that I have repeated to myself over the years about not being intelligent or not being good enough. It really got me thinking about my love for computers and how my brain naturally gravitates towards the way computers work. I have taken my interest and gone over to MITopencourseware and was intrigued by how much I understand about computer science. Yes, I am also learning a lot. It has triggered the desire more so to go to school. I am planning on trying one class and go from there. I am tired of the negative voices stopping me.

My blast from the past and win at the science fair stirred something in me and I am going for it. :-)


 

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10/18/11

County Fair

If you asked me even last year if we would go to a fair I would have laughed and said something like: “Yeah, right” Although I would have said the same thing about going to a Shrimp Fest, three stores in one day with the kids, a birthday party, or attempting Halloween. A lot has changed around here. One of the main reasons for us not doing those things was because we just couldn’t with Daniel. Either going would cause complete meltdowns and we would have to leave or the overstimulation afterwards would be too much for any of us. We still have the overstimulation issue, but knowing how to better help each one of us has made it worth the attempts to try new things.

Sometimes it is not fun, it can take several days for us to get back to our “normal”.

However, it is nothing like it used to be. We actually have fun going out. I am not a nervous wreck trying to stay on top of everything and everyone in an attempt to stop meltdowns, freak outs, or any possible thing that could happen. I have spent so many years on the defense that I caused a lot of stress in myself and others. I already soak in details, and have my own sensory issues, but when I try to stay on top of others sensory/social issues alongside that, it’s too much.  It is much better now because Daniel no longer runs away from us in a panic from a noise or what seems like a random thing that causes him fear. His communication and ability to articulate more clearly what is bothering him has made it so much better for him and me. I am no longer spending all of time trying to figure out what could scare him, what could make him run, what could make him panic, and then there is always the food thing.

He has stepped out a bit trying some new things.

We have been able to go to a restaurant a couple of times and we had fun, he had fun. A lot of questions, Daniel is always asking a ton of questions, but fun. In the past the only place that we went to that was pleasant was the museum. He loves the museum and would go every week if he could. I agree with him, I would like to go as well, but I need one that is a bit more exciting to go to. :-)   Given that it is pretty much the opposite of a fair, I was not too sure how it would go. My mom mentioned going to the fair and I said: “Let’s try it”.

Next time I will plan it a bit better though.

I knew it was going to be a bit rough because my mom had a church event where she had been face painting kids for two hours. She was overloaded and not “feeling” the fair. Daniel had been not feeling well all day, but he insisted that we go. By the time we went he was feeling better so that was good, but he was anxious since he had never gone before and the only reference he had was a Clifford game. He asked if Clifford would be at the fair. :-) My main concerns had been with him, I get frustrated with myself because when Daniel’s issues seem to be more prominent I forget about what Ariel and Joshua are going through.

We got there and it was going well, we had an adult per each child.

The first stop was the animals of course! It was already loud the second we got there though. The animals smelled so bad. We were able to see all of the animals and I talked to some cows, I got a picture of a beautiful cow who wanted me to set her free so she and I could walk around and talk some more. Then there was the pig who was SO over the event, the rooster who liked me telling him how pretty his feathers were and the chicken who was pretty upset about being in the cage next to that other chicken because she was rude. Ha ha ha Maybe I made all of that up, but I did talk to them and they seemed very happy about it. No one else talked to them. I did get some pictures, no flash!

Ariel started to get physically ill from the smell.

She started turning pale and was holding her nose. She had to go so we went off to check out the rides. All of them did very well, the wanderer ended up being Joshua, he could not hear a thing. Ariel and Joshua wanted to go on the carousel, as they stood in line Joshua started to lose color in his face and was holding his ears. Daniel did not want to go on the carousel. Joshua got worse and he could not go on the ride because the music was too loud. He had to sit out with Grammy and Daniel far away from the music. It was too loud for both Grammy and Daniel as well, but it wasn’t making them get sick like poor Joshua.

I took pictures of Ariel and David.

Ariel loved it. She wanted to do more rides. We found a dragon ride that she HAD to ride. Joshua decided to try it since it was quiet. I was concerned, but let him get on. I couldn’t recall why I was having an uneasy feeling until I looked at him sitting in the dragon with Ariel and I had a flash of what he has done on swings. He used to lose balance, have a petrified face, and would almost fall even when I was holding on to him. Panic hit me and I reminded David how Joshua can get off balance, he was on the outside of the ride. The opening was right there, what if he lost his balance and fell out? OH, GOD! Alright I stayed calm.

David told him to hold on for dear life and Joshua reassured him that he would be brave.

When it took off he had that moment of panic face, the second time around he was saying: “I am brave” over and over out loud, by the third time around he was hooting and hollering and having a blast. Daniel did not want to go on that ride either. He wanted to go on the Ferris wheel. I couldn’t let him, not this time it was too high and since we had never done anything like that he was too unpredictable. All of the rides were so fast or put the kids up in the air or were too loud. I couldn’t find one that would work. I finally found one that I thought may work. It was a boat that went back and forth and up and down. Plus I could ride with him so I offered that one.

Ariel wanted to ride as well.

Joshua was not about the boat at all and he didn’t care if it had pirates on it or not. We sat down and Daniel had his ears covered the whole time and asked me a ton of questions. The boy in front of us told us how cool the ride was. Then, it started. It was slow for like a second, but the jolts threw Ariel and Daniel off. The more it went the faster it got and I was covering both of them with my body telling them that it was ok. They both turned pale, Ariel’s eyes were bulging out of her head and Daniel was white as a ghost. I saw his little hands shaking and I yelled to the guy: “Stop the ride!” Both of them could barely walk, I had to carry Daniel and help Ariel along.

When we got down the questions started.

They both stared at the thing like it was some horrible beast that tried to destroy them. Ariel was teary-eyed and asked why she was so scared. Both of them wanted to know what happened and Daniel wanted to know why he was shaking. I explained that it threw their equilibrium off and it was just how their body was responding. I was feeling it too, but my Mommy instincts trumped my dizzy, nauseous feeling. We sat at the table for a while and Ariel bounced back quickly and wanted to go on the dragon ride because “It makes me feel like I am riding a real dragon”  Daniel did not recover so easily. He did not want to try any other rides. I explained to him that he didn’t need to be afraid that we could try again when he is older. At first he said no, but when I explained to him that not all rides are like that and maybe his body just wasn’t ready for it he was more receptive to trying again…sometime.

He has talked about it over and over again, but he is not afraid, which is a VERY good thing.

We were all overloaded. We were all over the noise, the smells, the people, the heat, and the bugs. We made it about three hours. YES! Three hours at a fair that is huge! Daniel had completely shutdown after the ride. He would not drink, his eyes were glazed over, he continued to ask questions, then got fixated on the fans in some of the buildings. He refused to leave one building that had a huge seven blade fan and vents in the ceiling that he could see. We were finally able to convince him to go and he came back to his goofy playful self after about 5 minutes in the car and two cups of water. Everyone had a lot of fun, I ate funnel cake again. Yes, I did!

Funnel Cake! (I didn’t eat the whole thing, I shared.)

Overall it was very enjoyable, it was a great adventure. It was a big accomplishment socially and sensory wise. I was so happy that the kids got to experience it. We will try again and I am sure it will be even better next year. Next year will most likely be at the fall festival in my hometown and that fair rocks! I am looking forward to having good food again, AND they have gluten-free food too! I wish someone would start making gluten-free funnel cakes at the fairs. I let the kids try some cotton candy. They were very excited about that. Ariel said that her favorite was the dragon ride and  so did Joshua, he said it was his favorite because “I felt like I was Anakin!” Daniel said that his favorite part was the animals because all the buildings had big fans.

I cannot believe we went to a county fair!  Awesome!

 


 

 

 

 

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10/16/11

Where’s Your Enthusiasm?

I am truly at the end of my rope trying to help Daniel stop being fixated on the appliances. He is unable to leave them alone, he has been in a frenzy like state and is getting overloaded. He then gets angry at me when I try to deter him and direct him to other things. He almost caused the microwave to topple on the floor several times because he keeps turning it around to watch the fan or he flings open the door and pulls out the glass tray to watch it spin or look at the lights and fan on the inside. He peeks through the tiny holes to watch it. He keeps adjusting the temperatures on the freezer and the refrigerator because he likes watching the air change and listening to the fan.

He is doing the same thing with the washer, dryer, blender, oven, stove, and dishwasher.

This morning I gave him back his snap circuits, which I had to take away because he continued to get overstimulated and started giving himself headaches, it also made him aggressive and angry. I am hoping that it will not go that way today. It seems to be helping him stay away from the appliances. We are planning on getting computer parts and analog electronic type things for him to put together in the next few days. I enjoy those types of things so I am thinking some school projects are in store. In one of my attempts to help him get unfixated on the appliances we went to the beach on Friday late afternoon. (Yesterday we went to our first county fair, that is another whole post.) It was a lovely day, but the water was cold. We found all kinds of creatures in shells which was cool. It helped all of us for a while to get away from the appliances. :-)

So we played, soaked in the sun, and took a ton of pictures.

I now understand why I take so many pictures. I do not know how to categorize different levels of importance so everything I see is of great importance. Each shell is different so it needs a picture, every wave, the details in the water, the mounds of sand, the sky, and the clouds. They are all equally important to me because I see the details in each one, for others a shell is a shell and a cloud is a cloud and it is nice, but not each one is perceived as that miraculous as it is to me. Details. This really hit me when yesterday I was looking at the pictures and I said out loud (but it was really self talk) “I do not see how people cannot sit here and look at these pictures for hours, there are so many details in just the one picture.”

As I clicked to the next picture I squealed with excitement “My arm looks like a two!”

David was in the kitchen and I ran over and showed him I thought it was so cool. He did not share my excitement and didn’t find it as fascinating as I did. I had not purposely made a two shadow with my arm so I thought it was really cool that it formed a two. David explained to me that he just doesn’t see numbers in everything like I do and when I share things like that he feels like he is living in my mathemagic world. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but he said that he was explaining his lack of enthusiasm because he doesn’t share the same kind of love for numbers or see numbers or even connections the way that I do. I was puzzled by this. It was one of those moments where I realized that not all people really see things the way I do. Realistically I know this, but I do forget.

I mean come on! Who doesn’t get excited at a shadow number??

I am kidding, I guess it really isn’t that exciting to most. :-) However, I never would have thought that until he said something. I would have assumed that everyone would want to see it. Just like with all of my pictures, I would assume that everyone would want to look at the different movements in the water and how the water flowed around the shells, and the different shells that adorned the beach. It is much like thinking everyone would want to spend hours trying to find all of the fans and inner workings of appliances. Hm…Wanting to know why it spins, has lights, makes noise, gets colds, gets hot, it would be quite interesting to know what world is going on in those things. Much like wanting to know all of the details of a seashell, the creature living inside, and the water and sand surrounding it.

I think I can relate to the appliances, and I can relate to the lack of enthusiasm that David was talking about.

I can relate, I cannot understand! Are you kidding? Who doesn’t want to look at sand for hours or take a billion pictures of shells and water or see awesome shadow numbers formed from your body without even knowing it?? :-) I have been processing this kind of thing a lot lately, how I have always assumed that others had the same interest in a topic as myself. I see where I have assumed that and then got really confused by their response or lack of response. I also gained a new perspective on my own lack of interest in other people’s interests. I have discovered that when I am uninterested in what someone is sharing I tend to have a conversation going on my head trying to find things to connect to what they are saying. I naturally do this, seeking connections to whatever a person is sharing, but when I am uninterested I have to work harder at making connections, they do not automatically connect.

It takes more work for me to keep focused as well.

I can drift off in my own thoughts, still hearing everything that they are saying, but have my own conversation. Many times my self talk has come out verbally and I was completely unaware. The other person assumed that I was talking to them and were either confused by my comment or upset with me because they thought that I was being rude in the middle of a conversation. My outburst may seem completely unrelated, but to me I am making a connection. I then, have to explain myself which normally takes a while because I have to explain each connection that got me to that point. I try really hard to keep quiet so I do not have to explain myself, but sometimes it just comes out without a thought.

I tend to blurt out rules to myself also.

If I am in a situation where I have had to explain myself or I am trying to remember what not do again, I can blurt out my rule. Normally, it makes no sense to the person who is with me and I end up having to explain myself or I say: “Oh, nothing I was just talking to myself.” I have always talked to myself, there is a constant conversation going on in my head. The topic of conversation is always about my fixation(s) at the moment. Since Daniel started talking he has done this, he will tell himself the rules constantly even when he is breaking the rules, like “Do not touch the appliances!” All three of the kids do this as well with their fixations, there is a constant chatter going on about their special interests at any given moment. They don’t seem to understand that we do not share the same amount of enthusiasm as they do with their topics of choice. What? Ha ha ha To be honest I am not sure that I will remember this, I will try to make up a rule.

I guess the rule to remember here is, “Not everyone shares the same amount of enthusiasm in my interests”….What? (Joking)

I am still putting up pictures though. (only 20 out 113) Hee hee


 

 

 

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10/14/11

Ariel’s Song

I really, really, really wish I could get my video camera to upload on my computer because I would SO share what I just experienced. The kids and I were in the school room doing some schooling and painting. The boys decided they needed a bit of a break and Ariel and I were sitting in there painting together. She stopped what she was doing and said: “Mom, I have a song playing in my head and the drum beats go like this.” She then proceeded to do the drum beats for me on the back of her chair and added a hand clap.  She stopped again and said: “Now there is a guitar playing so I need to get my guitar and words are singing too.”

We went into her room and I got her guitar for her to play.

She had to start all over with the drum beats, added a couple more hand claps and started strumming the guitar. Her song came pouring out and she sang me her lyrics, added some thumps on the guitar to make some drum beats, and went into her own musical world  for a moment until she was finished. When I realized that she was pouring out this song I grabbed a crayon and started writing it down so we could remember the lyrics. After the song she explained to me some of the meanings behind her colors so that I would understand what the song was about. She sees the color blue as sad, the color orange as lonely, and the color yellow as happy. I was amazed at the both the tune and lyrics that she shared. It was such a sweet and perfect moment that I had to get it all down.

Blue-Orange-Yellow

I want to be together with you

I want to go with you

I want to do everything with you

I want to live with you

 

I want to be with you all the time

I want to go with you all the time

I want to go anywhere with you

 

But if you don’t want me with you I will be blue

But if you say I can’t I will be orange

If you let me be with you I will be yellow

 

I need to be with you

If I cannot be with you I will feel lonely

I won’t be with anybody

 

I won’t have anybody like you

I would be there for you

I am poor without you

 

But if you don’t want me with you I will be blue

But if you say I can’t I will be orange

If you let me be with you I will be yellow

 

If you say that you want to be alone

I will go some other place

If you don’t let me in

 

I will be lonely

If you let me in I will be yellow instead of blue

If you open the door I will not be orange

 

But if you don’t want me with you I will be blue

But if you say I can’t I will be orange

If you let me be with you I will be yellow

 

If you feel poor I will let you in

I will open the door

I don’t want you to feel orange, but yellow

 

I want you to feel yellow

I want you to feel yellow

I want you to feel yellow

 

She said that this painting went with the song because she was painting it as she heard the song.

She titled both the song and painting herself.

"Soul" by Ariel


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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