I am on a journey that makes me very aware of how perfection cannot be achieved. It’s ridiculous. It’s a false ideal to place on oneself and others. I am glad that I have not had this projection on others — I am so over sensitive to it that I have no set ideals for others, but that causes its own form of confusion. I see how that connects to boundaries and not understanding them or knowing them. Now that I have stepped back a bit, I can list some clear reasons for causing myself confusion. I realize that many of the situations were not caused by others at all. It was me reading people through a negative perception of myself and how I thought others were judging me.
Here is some of my list:
Comparisons: Comparing myself to others all the time to try to figure out who I was or how I should behave. If I was not directly being compared, I was still indirectly feeling it from myself or others. I should be this, I should look like that, I shouldn’t eat this way, I should speak like this, I should not wear that, I cannot like those things, because someone, who I may or may not know does not do that or they do. There would be floods of rules in my mind that I had captured and stored from direct words spoken to me or I observed spoken to others. I have had triggers that would manifest my response. At times this was not an issue, they would normally manifest once I felt anxious or unsure of a relationship, any kind of relationship. Except kids, I always feel myself with them.
Confusing Words: Having clear direct definitions to words when others do not use them with such strict terms and also do not apply the strict rules to actions.
Sensory Overload: When I am overloaded, many things get distorted. I am unable to hear clearly, see clearly, emotions arise and I don’t understand why. I am unable to read or discern many situations because my body is shutting down. I am in sensory overload right now for various reasons. One is the seasons changing they affect me, the kids also, and they begin to do things that cause me sensory overload. Another are sounds they seem intensified and are really getting to me. Food as well, I have limited my diet because it is just too much to deal with. Food is another post.
Emotionally Underdeveloped: I am underdeveloped in areas. One second I can be a grown-up and the next I can be a 13-year-old girl and not realize that I have shifted in anyway. Some of my understandings about things are just not where my peers are. This is normally triggered by my lack of understanding social situations. Or I am just being the girl inside of me and oblivious. I see it now and I know that this is normal for an Aspie so I am accepting it. I am also learning to own my emotions. I have found that once I accept how I am feeling without trying to dissect it I get peace. I have spent countless, wasted hours trying to figure out why I am feeling a certain way or why I felt it one time and not another. For instance, when I accepted that I was crying when I was overloaded, it resolved a lot sooner because I just accepted it. Not all things have explanations, not all things can be explained away, even science at its core has many unexplained phenomenon. Our brain, we haven’t even tapped into the explosions of unanswerables in there.
Emotions: These have been one of my biggest issues. I was not able to express myself throughout my life. I couldn’t because I didn’t understand what I felt and I was demanding that I had to have a reason or explanation for it. Since I can pick up on other people’s emotions, I am not sure when it is mine or when it is theirs. An example, the other night I was perfectly at peace with many things, then David told me that he was upset. I had not picked up on it and I thought he was just upset about all of our computer problems we had, but no. I felt the attack on my heart and it hurt. It felt like it was surrounded by bees stinging it. I felt like if he was upset, then I should be upset and that somehow I caused him to be upset. This time, however, I rejected it. I told myself that it was his emotions and it didn’t have to do with me. As quickly as it came, it left. He had no clear reason why he was upset, he just was. That is hard for me to grasp.
Analyzing: My constant analyzing and pattern seeking has caused me confusion. I have always looked for patterns in behavior trying to protect myself, BUT there is a huge problem with that. Everyone is different and every situation is different. And also people change so just because they did something one time doesn’t mean that they will do it again. Just because they hurt me before does not mean that they are always going to hurt me. Or even if they were nice to me before does not mean that they will be again. Just because there are similarities does not mean that it will end up the same way it did before. I am starting over. I threw out all of my color coded, numerical, alphabetical file folders and file cabinets in my mind. I threw them out! Well, I didn’t throw them all out — some of them are good resources. I am going through them and throwing out the ones that I do not need to keep. Hence, the reason for some of my past stories and feelings I’ve shared recently. I am also coming up with a new system in my storing information system. I have decided to just keep books and fill the pages as I go. For now…until I find a better system.
Misunderstandings: I get confused when people read into my words and think that I mean something or when I am supposed to read into people’s words and I am not sure if I am right or wrong. I am working on my instincts, so this is getting better. However, it gets all muddled if I have sensory overload or social confusion. Work in progress.
Instincts: Not trusting my gut feelings has caused me great confusion. Or when I did trust them and people told me that I was wrong, only to discover that I was right! That is confusing. I am learning to trust what I feel. If people do not want to tell me or feel the need to tell me that I am wrong, I do not care. I will sit and wait. That is what I have had to do most of the time anyway and I have been right.
Not me, is me: I have been confused because I have felt that all of the problems or issues that people have are my fault. Somehow I caused them to feel a certain way. I misread people’s reactions and automatically put it in a negative context and blame myself. My perception is that I have caused their anger or unhappiness. I believe this is somewhat due to the fact that I “feel” their emotion. I have confused feeling their emotions as being the cause of their emotions. I get confused when people do not tell me that they are upset at me because I can feel that too. So if you are upset or angry or whatever with me, you have to tell me so I can explain myself. If not given the opportunity, I will loop and loop forever about it.
I take responsibility for causing my own confusion in many cases, because I have not spoken up.
I come to my own conclusions and assume they are correct, as if I can read the mind of another person. Clearly I cannot! I also see how my childhood into adulthood scripts from people has tainted my view and understanding about the world and people. This is another area where I feel a huge cloud lifted from my mind. Actually it was more like there was a very long twine rooted into my brain blocking all of these connecting paths in there. It was like it got pulled out. When it got removed, my brain felt clean and clear and able to discern, understand my actions and see how others have influenced me as a person. It’s not just my parents who have given me negative scripts, but my other family members as well were a large influence on my negative self perception. Along with friends and ex’s, I see how their own projections of fears and insecurities caused me confusion. It makes it a lot easier to find the true reasons for confusion than to make things up out of fear. This is a hard process, but I am seeing some things very clearly.
I am going to try to give myself and the world a clean slate (within reason) and bring balance to my mind.