I am prone to go through isolation cycles. I understood this about myself, but didn’t understand why until I learned about Aspergers. As a child I did long to have friends and do things, but I would also be alright by myself. I would find myself getting frustrated with other kids because they would not play the “right” way or they would confuse me because of various social reasons or they were just mean. I recalled recently that I had one friend throughout grade school who stuck with me for quite a while. He seemed to be a bit odd like me, and we grabbed hold of each other in 2nd grade, I think. He was a lot more social than I was and he helped me find friends when we were in the same class.
I had a love-hate relationship with him.
Sometimes he would get on my nerves and I wanted him to go away, other times he was my best friend in the world and I didn’t understand why he needed other friends. When in the same class we were always seated next to each other because our last names both began with the same letter and the next letters were very close. As we grew older he started becoming a young man and getting into the ladies. I did not understand him, I tried to be all cool and understand the whole junior high girl/boy stuff going on, but to be honest I was clueless and the only scripts I had were from late night movies. (Not good) We drifted apart and in high school I was barely allowed to talk to another guy because of my boyfriend so he and I really lost touch.
Thinking about him though, I realized how I have needed people in my life that promote me not being isolated.
I went to parties that I would not have been invited to, but thanks to him I was. My mom didn’t have a problem with him (huge) so I was allowed to go places and ride in the car with his mom. Like the skating rink, for a while I lived at the skating rink every Friday night! As I wrote about my past friends as a young adult and even my relationships I see how they helped me get out and be social. I had a good group of people or at least some good friends who were good for me in that aspect. It’s when I get away from people that I start to isolate even more. My anxiety increases and I begin to fear the world that I am actually not afraid of. I may not understand it, it may cause me problems in several areas, but I am not afraid of it.
I have gone on some pretty exciting adventures because of friends who motivated me to go.
I have done some pretty awesome things that I would not have done had it not been for my friends. I have a natural exploration side to me, I admit that it is a good idea for me to be with a trustworthy person/people because of my wandering and all. However, I am really baffled at my complete isolation shutdown in the past years. It is not me at all. Isolation is not a bad thing for an Aspie, it is good to have it at times. Actually it is needed and it is not necessarily complete isolation from everyone, but from the outside world. I am looking over my life the last several years and I see this as not good isolation.
I have become more anxious and fearful.
My anxiety levels are quite a bit higher than the average person when it comes to meeting new people. I can hyperventilate and get really fuzzy headed when meeting someones family or friends for the first time. I do not know why because I always do fine and I have not had any bad experiences, really. I have had a couple times where I could tell people didn’t like me or they didn’t get me. However, there has never been anything so traumatic that should cause me such anxiety. My eyes are opened to the fact that I have lost who I am and the things that I enjoy. It feels like I have become someone that I do not know at all. I think I have and that is changing.
There should be a nice balance.
I need people in my life, I need healthy relationships in my life. I am understanding that my isolation is much easier as an adult and it has been much easier to isolate while working through Daniel’s progression. I have many factors for my isolation, but I see how I have become unhealthy and unbalanced in this area. I think for a lot of Aspie’s we just decide that it is easier to be isolated than try to face what feels like rejection in the outside world. In some cases it is rejection, in other cases I believe it is lack of understanding from the Aspie and the NT’s. We just do not know how to communicate to each other very well and we really do not know how to bridge the gap.
I do have hope about this though.
The more we have awareness about how each party communicates AND there is actual listening, comprehension, and acceptance, the better our relationships get. I do want to stress that there may be some people on the spectrum who truly enjoy being alone, people may not understand it. Some may only like very limited social contact, some may prefer that their only source of social contact is via internet (this sounds very appealing at times), but we do need some sort of social contact. Not to be pushed into it, but to find things that would motivate us to want to be social and continue being social. It takes a lot some days and on those days, it is better to just stay away from the world. Then, there are days that work great and would be perfect to go out and do some exciting social adventures. After every social adventure though, there has got to be down time otherwise the anxiety rises and the cost seems too great.
Observing my own isolation I see that it is not good at all.
I became isolated for about four years, moved here and became friends and overly social with the wrong types of people for me and then shutdown again. There are many reasons for this that I am not going to go into, the main reason is from frustration and exhaustion on many levels. I have gotten so bad this past year that I cut off virtually everyone. Recently, I have had contact with family and friends that I have not been able to talk to openly about things until the last couple months and it has revealed some things that really concern me. I need people who are supportive and understanding about my isolation tendencies and who will help motivate me to go out and do things again. The kids have been quite sheltered, not completely, but they have missed out on some things that I would like for them to experience as kids.
It is a lot better now with Daniel communicating and being able to handle sensory issues much more.
The kids need healthy balance as well. They cannot be overly social and sensory stimulated otherwise it will not be a very fun around here. I am thinking of things that we can do that they have not experienced. I realized how I have dropped the ball as their mom in this area. I am going to change it. Actually I have already started changing things for me that has caused my anxiety to go down. I have gotten on the phone and talked to people. I have called places trying to find some good social groups or situations for the kids. I have tried to Skype, BUT my microphone won’t work, yet. Saturday was very socially packed I have written about it, but will share another day. I have been riding my bike and going for walks with the kids and talking to my neighbors. WHAT? Who am I? The best part, I am not feeling anxious. I understand my limits and I am listening.
Isolation when balanced is not a bad thing, just like socializing when balanced isn’t bad either.
Several resources I found to have interesting/helpful information.
Autistic Spectrum Conditions & Anxiety Disorders
Aspergers-Interacting vs. Isolation
Aspergers Adult Support Network (This site has some good resources)
Aspergers Fact Sheet (not sure why, but felt I should put this up)
