Monthly Archives: September 2011

09/28/11

Countin’ Flowers On The Wall

Not really, but this song did pop in my head sung by Nancy Sinatra because that was the version you could find me dancing and singing to when I was younger. Ok, sometimes now as well. :-) I am so amazed at how well all of us are doing with David being gone. (Sorry David, I do not mean that as a bad thing.) It is just that the last time he left for a while I was filled with anxiety and going over every possible scenario that could happen. I went from a serial killer living across the street just waiting to get us to a fire sparking and I stayed up every night thinking of many other possible things that could happen that I needed a plan for. I was in a panic and would not leave the house. Granted it was several years ago and basically I could not go anywhere with all three children at the time.

Daniel could not even handle going to my mom’s house during that time.

I can see why I would be filled with anxiety. I am not at all right now. I am quite at peace. (Although writing this may stir some anxiety!) Even with getting pretty sick over the weekend and then Daniel getting sick for the past three days. We are doing much better still a little off, but we are our happy selves. Ariel and Joshua are fine and they have been playing very well together all day. I was able to clean my living room and get it back for a day. Yesterday it was covered in a pretend campsite and Lego’s, of course. Bedtime is upon us and we will see how well we do. I am rather wired I may be up late…maybe I’ll play some cards.

I believe they could be doing so well because I am calm.

I even Skyped a friend last night and talked to her for over an hour. I had no anxiety or feelings of being overloaded. Wow! I am pretty happy about that. I was happy with Skype. I actually liked it much better than the phone. I think I will write about that another time. I plan on doing some more cleaning and having a fun packed school day tomorrow. I know you all must be so excited! This is my boring post to have actual documentation that I am anxiety free for the moment and that I had fun having a video chat! Considering everything that is and has been going on in my life I think this is fairly monumental. This is my closest to “Wordless Wednesday” as I think I can get. I have some pictures of what the kids have been up to. Ariel felt bad for me being sick so she gave me some animals to make me feel better, and a baby doll that kind of freaks me out. Shh!

Happy Rest of Wednesday! (Enjoy our sunset)


 

 

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09/26/11

Seeing People In Parts

This may sound like a strange topic, but I think I need to write it out to understand my brain better. I had not really thought about how I looked at people before, actually I assumed that everyone looked at people the way that I did. I see people in parts. I first see their face as a big blur then, I start to process by picking one feature to focus on so I can talk to them. I tend to gravitate toward eyebrows, which is not a good thing for me because I get freaked out by people’s eyebrows. I cannot handle messed up eyebrows and people think that it is funny to mess with me by messing up their eyebrows. ICK! That is all I can say. I can get past the eyebrow thing if I know the person, somewhat. I will then gravitate toward the eyes for about a second, but then I have to move on.

I graze the face looking for somewhere to set my gaze.

I normally land on their forehead, but in most cases I am trying to read their lips because I cannot hear them so I will stop at the lips. However, I get quite distracted by teeth so I have to move around and come back. I still do not see their face as a whole, it is all a blur. As I look at them I tend to find familiar features and pull the database of information about people in my mind and look for people that I know. If I like them I tend to find the familiar features pleasing and it makes it easier for me to talk to the person. If I do not like the person with the familiar features I tend to have a problem talking to them. It can be a good or bad thing for me.

I do the same thing with whole bodies.

A whole body is a blur so I separate the body parts and try to find things that I like, such as fingers or fingernails. I may even pick out just one part that I like and focus on that because the other parts I do not find pleasing. I tend to have a fascination with noses as well. I do like a good nose. :-) There have been rare occasions when I have been able to see a person as a whole. When I see a person as a whole I normally see them as a circular shape or a pleasing number/color to me. A person that I see as a whole is not limited to outward body parts I also see them mentally as a whole. I find them easy to talk to and to connect with. My friend that I have here I see as a whole. I connected to her the first day I met her.

She had pleasing features and looked kind of like a cloud.

I mean fluffy, curved shaped. She would probably laugh really hard if I told her that. Nonetheless, she is soft and fluffy and easy to talk to. Though I have only hugged her once. She has the feel/look of fluffy/soft. People who are more rigid like shapes, hard feeling/looking, having more broken looking shapes are hard for me to connect with. I cannot say why I see them like this, I just do. Sometimes I cannot look at them, talk to them or even be near them because their presence is too rough for me. Then, there are others who are kind of angular or sharp shaped that are ok. I sometimes see brokenness and shards as a good thing if they flow. I wrote a poem that has pictures that show where I see shards and broken fragments as pleasing and good. They were created to go in a flow for a positive and when I see people like that, shards, but still reflecting light I can talk to them. It isn’t as easy as with people who are soft and curvy though.

Wow, I hope I don’t sound too out there.

What I find interesting is that I see people all broken up in part, but I see animals and nature as a whole. It all flows together and connects easily and peacefully. I do not have that same feel with people. Nor do I feel as connected to people as I do animals and nature. I do know that many on the autism spectrum have a connection with animals and a love of nature as well. For a long time I assumed everyone did what I did. I did not think it strange even up to my young adult life that I talked to trees and flowers as I would walk to work. I would tell the mean birds to not attack me as I walked past them. Or I would ask the ants what they were up to. I still don’t think it is strange, have you seen what some people do with their pets? I will keep on talking to the world or animals and nature and think I am perfectly fine.

They don’t talk back, except in their language. :-)

I am wondering though if the eye contact with people is too much because of the confusion that I have felt with people saying one thing, but meaning something else. Also, that a face is too sensory stimulating for me. There are so many components to a face and everything is moving in all different directions. I can’t hear well when people are talking depending on the environment we are in because of my auditory processing issues. My hearing is fine though.  At times I do have a lot of problems being able to drown all the noises that I hear to be able to focus and listen to one person. I find it much easier to talk to people who have certain features and voices. I am rather intense also when I look someone in the eyes because when I do it, it is VERY important to me. It takes a lot to look someone directly in the eyes for a few minutes so if I do I am not messing around.

Daniel has learned to make eye contact, but he is quite intense when he does it.

Actually, all of the kids are, now that I think about it they may get that from me because I have no problem looking them in the eyes. I am sure I am quite intense that would explain a lot of their facial expressions. That is rather funny. I will have to ask the kids as they get older if they see people in parts as well. I know that Daniel and Ariel both see people in colors and numbers at times. Ariel has even said things like that person on TV tastes like spinach. I don’t know what that means! lol! There are several studies about eye triggers and autism and visual stimuli, I guess I will go do some reading and see what I discover. Maybe my brain just has to process like that, who knows.


 

 

 

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09/23/11

Critters-Clouds-Shrooms

I have a ton of pictures from the last two days. Ok, I have over 200, um….224 to be exact. I can’t help myself. We had so many birds flying around and visiting our backyard and crossing over our house. Butterflies everywhere, I have only been able to capture a couple from a distance. There are creatures out and about as well and the kids and I have been examining and exploring them. The sky has been changing practically every hour because we are having strange weather. Although there are not many colors only deep blues and grays which are quite intriguing as well.

I am not sure what all I am putting on here picture wise.

I am rather tired out from Daniel having a few rough days and Ariel and Joshua not getting along very well. (not getting along is an understatement) I am not really sure why everyone is all out of sorts other than the weather. Oh, it could be the anticipation of David leaving in a few days. Daniel did just pull a tooth out so that could be part of his problem as well. He is losing so many teeth. When they are ready to come out he just pulls it out and throws it. He came up to me and said: “Hey, mom I lost my tooth.” I asked him where it was and he said: “I threw it in your trash.” Nice. I am kind of weird about keeping teeth, I know I may sound gross, but I still have some of my baby teeth in a little container. Shh! Weird? Oh, well.

I did not dig in the trash for that tooth or any other tooth, ever!

This morning I was welcomed into the morning by the bright shining sun through the front door window and I had to go outside to see what it looked like. I thought it was beautiful so I had to take a billion pictures. As well as throughout the day as the weather continued to change from sunny to storming to sunny to raining to sunny again. We captured some pictures of critters in the morning and afternoon. It reminded me of the frog that was here last year, but I have not seen him or any other frogs. I am a bit sad about that. We have had ducks, rabbits, a snake, several other kinds of birds, but I do not know what kind they are then, there are the regular birds that stay in our backyard as well.

They have a nest in our bushes.

We also have some regular pigeons who hang out, I got a picture of them. We also have some kind of hawks that soar all around. There is one that is a regular who hovers and flies over our house specifically. I do talk to him and sometimes he will come a bit lower, really it is crazy! I got a picture of them. I was excited about that because I have been trying to get a good one of them, but haven’t been able to.

I got one that is alright.

If you see some painted toes with Lego’s those are Joshua’s. He does like to paint his toenails. We are not too worried about his manhood around here. They all dress up in girl and boy stuff, they have fun. I think it’s funny when his toes look better than mine. :-) The Dino-Games that Ariel was playing and my lamppost that I am slightly obsessed with that is in our front yard makes quite a few appearances. I was feeling a little down so I felt like writing to see if I felt better. I do, the pictures make me happy.

Until next time, hope you enjoy the critters! :-)


 

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09/21/11

Being Creative For School

Yesterday I shared about an app called Biophilia I ended up downloading another song called “Virus” which the kids and I played around with this morning. What came out of that? A school lesson today about viruses and the immune system. The app shows red blood cells that look healthy and floating about. Later in the song green viruses come in and invade. I used it to describe blood cells and viruses and what happens when a virus attacks. I also printed out the lyrics of the song and used some of the key words as vocabulary words. Simplified definitions in some cases.

As they listened to the song I asked them questions.

We discussed the vocabulary words and what they meant. I also used it as other lessons in that the music sounded really nice and pretty, but what it was actually about was unhealthy and could cause harm. Some things look good that are not, especially in nature. Some of the prettiest, most colorful frogs for example are the most deadly! Now I did not scare them I used it as a lesson to be cautious. They are pretty young so I was not all intense as I was in my own mind, trying to get myself to understand this important lesson. :-) Some of the vocabulary words that they learned were virus, transmutate, contagious, host, and adversary. Then, I pulled up BrainpopJr and we watched some videos about health and wellness and had some more words added like, symptom, fever, immune system, and mucus.

I then read several books and they made red blood cells with invading viruses!

I like the app because it is visual and auditory along with being interactive it really got all of them interested and able to retain the information. We had a full sensory learning experience. I plan on doing this with the moon app as well because the basis behind it is the moon cycle and I will create some sort of lesson out of that. I came up with this on a whim today so I hadn’t really prepared much, but they really liked it. We had fun and finished up our school day, then headed off to Target for some new backpacks.

There were several on clearance and we each got one.

Yes, I got a pink monkey backpack! I did, I admit. It was only $4.24 who could resist a monkey backpack for that? Ariel and I both have one. Plus I had a nice encounter with a raven in the parking lot. Actually it was quite strange for a moment, he flew to the top of a tree and sat there and stared at me while I got the kids and items in the car. A few minutes later a couple of his friends showed up and they chowed down on someones littered food on the ground. I can only assume he was watching me with such caution to make sure I didn’t take his feast. Hee hee No other bird encounters though and there were a lot out today for some reason.

Another thing that I found for school that is super cool for Joshua is the Lego Master Builder Academy .

This has been a great incentive for Joshua to do school. He is not a fan of doing school most days, but when I told him that he could do “school” Lego’s after he finished his work, he was all for it. I know I bribed him in a way, but he really is not motivated to do school. He would rather build and create Lego Star Wars or other Lego adventures and I do use his Lego’s to teach him a lot. However, I get Lego’d out and I need some actual documentation of his learning and progress for learning other things. He has built every set we have received by himself. We will venture out using it in more creative ways later in the year. Right now he is enjoying following the directions and building them. (I do not get any kickbacks for sharing any links. I like them, I share them, possibly others will like them too.)

Pictures, you know it! :-)

Ariel and Joshua creations. Daniel’s handwriting is getting so good I am totally amazed. He is even able to hold his writing instrument well and “properly”. We have viruses, Joshua’s Lego Robot he built and Ariel’s current reading material. Yes, it is a comic book, she has read more than half of it and yes, she is a fan of Sheldon Cooper and loves the show The Big Bang Theory. I admit I do love Sheldon. I am not into comics that comes from David. :-)   OH! And a monkey. And yes, there is quite a bit of paint spillage all over our carpet. Accidents happen. And yes, I am trying see how many times I can write “and yes”. I am quite silly today.

Side Note: After watching the season premiere of “The Big Bang Theory” I must say I am a bit disappointed in their lack of creativity. They could do a lot more with the show. Good thing we have a DVR I could fast forward so the kids didn’t ask a ton of questions…mainly Ariel. :-)


 

 

 

 

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09/20/11

Connections And Björk?

I find connections in so many things it seems as though some of them are literally chasing me down in the universe. I have attributed many of them to God because they seem to come in sequence of my understanding and things that I am working through. The reason for me feeling as though it is God, is because they seem so random and from unexpected sources. This has been the pattern in my life. I do not know if it is just how my brain sees things and I intuitively seek out those things or if there are heavenly beings out there placing things in order for me. I would say that it was all me, but it happens when I am not seeking anything. I really haven’t a clue, I do not want to try to figure all of that out. I will settle with this happens for me and it helps. With my recent, revamp, rip off the band aid, deal with Angel mode I have been in, I have had a lot of these connections.

They have been more rapid and frequent than in the past.

I seem to be getting a lot resolved and quickly in my thoughts and dealing with my past. There could be many factors for this, age, writing it for so long, recognizing patterns much quicker, and most of all the information that I have read over the past four years about autism and sensory issues. Those could be playing a huge part in this sudden connection of so many things. However, I am still intrigued when certain things happen and make me feel like it was exactly what I was supposed to hear or see to give me peace or give the feeling that I am on the right path. It normally comes in a loop cycle in my brain, such as numbers last month, they all connected and led me to unlocking things inside of me that I had forgotten. I was led to a great book through my friend, Lisa sharing a trailer of a movie with me.

The book opened my eyes to many other things I had hidden from myself.

This month nature has been my cycle. It has been speaking to me (not literally) and reminding me of my great loves of nature, animals, and the things in the heavens. The sky with its amazing paintings every day that can sweep me away in thought. The lizards that are out and running around all wild and frenzied make me laugh. The flowers and the trees that look like they are dancing because we are in the season where there is an awesome, constant, soft breeze that goes on throughout most of October. When I look up in the sky the thought of what is out there in the universe is both terrifying and exciting. It seems as though the sky is bringing peace to me through various means, the different colors and clouds, the rainbow the other day, and the moon that seems to not be leaving me alone. It literally filled our front door window one night as if it was looking right at me. It was a deep orange color and looked amazing against the dark sky.

The moon has been my focus recently.

I have found peace and calm thoughts by staring at it and talking to it. I know I sound silly, but I do like talking to the moon. I always have. All this brings me to my point. There is an Icelandic singer-songwriter, named Björk who is quite the interesting person. I shared a clip of her on my poetry blog, the poem Poets! I have to take her music in small doses normally, her music can be very sensory and emotionally piercing for me. I was not sure as to why, but when I had listened to some of her music I felt incredibly overwhelmed and unable to articulate what I was feeling. Sometimes it would take days for me to recover from one of her songs and still not have an answer. I cannot watch her videos normally because the imaginary is just too extreme.

I read about her recently because she has created a pretty interesting app called Biophilia.

The more I read about her the more I understood some of my issues with listening to her. I had always liked her lyrics and the depth of what she wrote about. As she describes music and how she “sees” music it felt very familiar. She puts herself into her music, her emotions and feelings seem to live in the notes. At least that is what it feels like for me. There are artists who just put out music, I can enjoy their music, but they are not captured in the art form. Those who are actually giving away a piece of them as they share their art form can be quite a bit for me, I can feel it. And that is what I feel when I listen to a lot of her music. It is just too much, I feel her. There are certain ones though that are ok for me to listen to and actually spring up very good emotions and intensity.

I know, a lot of info. Point? We got the app on the iPad.

Initially, I was going to try it out and get the app with the song “Virus” because I had a similar vision (picture) in my head years ago and thought that it would be interesting to see. However, I didn’t want it once I saw the song “Moon”. I knew that I had to hear and see that one. I had too many encounters with the moon and just knew that this song would speak to me. It did very much so. The song is beautiful, soft, and lyrically means a lot to me. All of the kids enjoyed the app and the song. The iPad is a bit frustrating sometimes because Daniel can get easily overloaded by it, but when he sat and played around with this app he did not. He has listened to the song several times now and has told me that he really likes the song and her voice. He has been calm after listening to it. Amazing. It has done the same for me it is quite soothing.

I am not sure if I make any sense, but it is a pretty cool app.

If you want to know more about her and the idea behind it I am sharing some articles to read. I am not going to attempt to explain it. It reminds me very much of synesthesia. I found her way of describing how she sees patterns and structures in music much like myself. She describes a bit here:

Pitchfork: Did technology change how you conceive a song? Now, when you picture a song, is it three-dimensional in a way that it wasn’t before?

B: Yeah, that’s why I was so excited about using the touchscreen [to make Biophilia]– I can, for the first time, take the patterns and structures in music that I see when I’m writing songs, and touch them. It’s literally making a dream come true. When I write a song, I see a tunnel, and then the chorus is an open space, or the bassline is doing this shape. I see songs as a more of a geometric, spacial experience. Funnily enough, maybe that’s why I keep tapping into my childhood and my frustration with my music school [with Biophilia]– it’s solving riddles that I wanted to solve then but couldn’t. It’s what I’ve wanted to do for 20 years. It’s a reward.

Full interview here: Bjork: 15 Years

Here is another one that talks about the app Biophilia.

Here is her website bjork.com

I admit that I could stim on her website for quite a while. I really like black and white anyway, but when you add swirlys and lines and they move, it is very soothing. :-) Oh, and I really like her font. Hee hee  I am not sure if I have made myself clear at all in this post, but I see my connections. With reading about Bjork and listening to her, I see how I am similar in my thinking about nature and music being connected. I connect the sciences and the arts together. They are not a disconnect they are a constant flow for me. To see it come alive a bit on the iPad is rather exciting for me.

Here are the lyrics to “Moon”. (I really like the lyrics to “Virus” as well, I will most likely download that one today.)

Bjork- Moon Lyrics

As the lukewarm hands of the gods

Came down and gently picked my adrenaline pearls
They placed them in their mouths
And rinsed all of the fear out
Nourished them with their saliva

Now I’m all rejuvenated and rested
Now I’m all rejuvenated and rested

As if the healthiest past-time
Is being in life-threatening circumstances
And once again be reborn

[ Lyrics from http://www.songonlyrics.com/bjork-moon-lyrics ]

All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy

Best way to start-a-new
Is to fail miserably
Fail at loving
And fail at giving
Fail at creating a flow
Then realign the whole
And kick into the start hole

And kick into the start hole
And kick into the start hole

To risk all is the end all and the beginning all
To risk all is the end all and the beginning all


 

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09/19/11

Hodgepodge

This post is going to be filled with a hodgepodge of things. Several things that I do not feel like separating into individual posts. I tried to make it like a “Wordless Wednesday” post, but I am basically incapable of being wordless! I am a very “typative” person. :-) Here I go. I have not been able to sleep through the night in days, so many days now that I cannot even remember if it’s only been a week or longer. I can usually fall back to sleep at some point after an hour of rolling around and tossing about in bed. On Sunday morning though, I could not. I woke up with a post about moving swarming in my head. It was 2:30 am and I was wide awake and my brain would not leave me alone.

I had to get up and write that post!

So at 3am I went into the school room on the kids computer, in the dark, eyes barely focused, and wrote out that post. For some reason I had to have it finished before later in the morning or day. I still have no idea why other than I was able to sleep a bit more after 4:30am when I posted it. That was another strange thing, I posted it without really going over it. So what happened? I go back to read it later that morning and see that I called David, my mom and myself “idolators” instead of isolators. In the past I would have had a panic attack at the thought of anyone reading that, this time I laughed. I am still laughing. How funny, idolators.

I think my brain needed to process the information.

The topic of moving has been flying around for over a year now. We had not found a location that was a good fit. Again, going to another city where I do know anyone or have any family at this point would not be a good thing for me. Everything that I wrote about in Big Changes…Possibly, have been concerns for a while and there are still other issues and factors that we are dealing with that I have not written about. In the past week the idea of moving to my hometown has become a real possibility. Actually more than that, we are about 96.8% sure that we will be there this time next year.

I still am not sure how I feel about all of that.

I am not going panic, I am going to process. We will be about three hours away from my dad which is a good distance. Small doses to enjoy him. My grandma lives in my hometown as well so she can help me and go places with me and the kids if I need help. Or she can babysit for me. I am not too sure about other family members, I am not close to many of my family members. Mainly my aunt is the closest, I tend to feel awkward around my grandma too, but I do not feel like talking about my awkward disconnect to family. I am sure I will have a ton to write about when/if we move there. She was planning on moving here, but she has continued to put it off and prolong the whole thing. I could help her get her house ready to sell, that may be one of the issues for her. She has friends and family there also and it may be hard for her to leave. She is quite the social butterfly. Here she would only have my mom and other two sisters. I am just writing anything that is popping in my head so I am stopping on this topic.

Good news!

Daniel pooped on the potty yesterday for the first time!! Sorry for the poop talk, but that is a VERY big deal. He told me on his own that he wanted to and he sat and did it. He was very proud of himself. :-) Another great thing happened yesterday. We were sitting on the couch together, he has started asking me to sit next to him and then he practically sits on me so we are working on boundaries. He wants to sit next to me and talk. HUGE! He was telling me all about his clock as we sat there. He told me all of the things that he likes about it and how he likes helicopters and that the reason that he likes them is because “how they work”. He has never given me a reason like that before, it has always been because “they spin” or “they make noise”. Then, during a moment of pause, he turned to me looked me straight in the eyes and asked: “What do you like mommy?” And then he listened and asked me questions about it. He wasn’t just following a script, he really wanted to know.

It was a great moment.

I have a lot to process in my life right now and as I am processing I do/say things that seem to contradict each other. A major one is working out and baking. I love to do both. I do make some healthy treats, but to be honest I do enjoy making sweet, tasty baking delights that make people smile and get them on a sugar high. Not the kids of course, but other people. :-) I do share the treats with the kids and they get so happy and surprised that they can “have a cookie for a snack!”. I do enjoy making things with the kids. They love to help me and we learn measurements and chemistry in the process. I cannot really think of anything else to write about at the moment. I think I just needed to get some things out so I could process some more things.

I will leave with some photos of some gluten-free delights and who knows what other pictures will show up.

There are some Lego Dragons, school shots, raspberry oatmeal muffins, peanut butter/banana/oatmeal bread (I will not eat! Two things I dislike very much peanut butter and banana.), lemon cookies, granola bars and bread…I think those are the only pictures I put on of food. I tend to bake a lot and not eat any of it. I will freeze them for a later date for when I have a sweet tooth. It’s the process of baking that helps me not the eating it. Besides sweet things are good…in moderation. The same goes for working out. Moderation, right? :-)


 

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09/18/11

Big Changes…Possibly

In one of my recent posts Aspie Isolation, I had mentioned that I dropped the ball with socializing for the kids. This is not true. After evaluating the last few years, I was able to see all of my many attempts to get them involved in activities and to get connected. I have done this for myself and I have done this for David as well. There are frustrations that I have with David about this that I have voiced on many occasions, he has shared his reasons as well as to why he is isolated around here. A lot of our isolation has to do with location.

We are very disconnected to the people in this area.

My mom and David both are prone to be isolators as well as myself so we are not good motivators for each other in this area. I am overly optimistic about new people, which can annoy them and lead me to unhealthy relationships. This puts them on the defense and watchful of the people that I chose to be around. I have learned my lesson in this area, there are very few people that I can have a relationship with in this town, I know that. It is a small town, with limited resources, knowledge, and acceptance of autism. It makes it very hard to participate in home school groups, churches, and social groups in general.

I am constantly trying to help people understand autism.

They really do not want to. The only group in our area is a group for “curing” autism and I cannot be a part of that group. There is no openness or acceptance of other opinions with that particular group. All of the social groups that I have tried, and the ones that I am currently trying to get Daniel into are about 45 minutes away or farther. Social groups after being in the car for that long for Daniel and myself may not work very well. I have been doing my part and getting frustrated and exhausted from my efforts to help my kids. I have also taken on the added stress of trying to get David social and my mom. They never asked me to, but I tend to do things like that because I want people connected and happy.

David is doing well in his writers group.

I am very happy about that because he is getting motivation and encouragement from the people in his group. It makes me feel like some stress is taken off of me to be honest. Even if he didn’t intend that stress  I still feel it. This town is very isolating because of location, beliefs, limited activities that we can do, and the people in general we just do not connect to. I lack support in any area here. We have found some great people in surrounding areas, but again it is difficult to drive for long distances all the time, especially when you have sensory issues and you and your kids can get car sick.

The big changes?

Well it looks as if we may be moving back to my hometown. I vowed to never go back, never! Every time I say never I always and I mean always have to eat my words. The town has changed a great deal since I lived there and it has a lot more to offer in many areas. There is a huge autism support and opportunities that I feel are a necessity for Daniel with him going to be 7 years old soon, he is transitioning and I need help. I have certain family members there who are very supportive, accepting, and respecting of our family’s lifestyle and needs. They are also great motivators for me and will not let me isolate in an unhealthy way. Being around more family could help them be more understanding and accepting of autism as well, who have not been in the past.

It is a college town and that opens a world of free thinking.

There are nice small coffee shops and artsy folk along with a boom of families that have moved into a certain area, where we would live, who are computer geeks (No offense, I like computer geeks, a lot. I’m a geek in my own right.) which could explain the large amount of the acceptance and support of autism, it could. Though it can be a bit on the conservative side many people are open and accepting of different views. I would be able to work part-time for an organization that I believe in and plays into my fitness and health passions. Along with volunteer work and being able to help others in general. Not to overextend myself, but I see where I really miss volunteering, helping people, and working.

My aunt is a leader in the children’s ministry.

They are trained and equipped to work with children with special needs at her church. I do not think that I am ready to go back to church. I am not sure that it is the best place for me, at least for a while. However, I have no problem with the kids going as long as they are not being taught some crazy theology. I know the church and they don’t do that so I think it would be a positive. Plus it is huge so there are many types of people and all of them are on different journeys, which I think is great. There are other factors that seem very positive and it is kind of exciting.

It is also very scary.

I do not want to leave my mom and I am hoping that possibly she would go back with us. She is not truly happy here. After being here for about 7 years, I think she still has not connected. She is in a job that is extremely taxing on her sensory issues and socially takes a lot out of her. She goes to church, but is not connected. Her main reason for not wanting to go is weather, she is terrified of snow and ice now. She hated it when she lived there and now that she has lived away from it for so long it has become a huge anxiety trigger. She doesn’t want to leave the beach. These were the reasons she gave me.

My reasons are similar for not wanting to go.

I am not scared of snow or ice, but the cold is very painful for me. I do not do well in the long winters with no sun. I like being able to pack up and go to the beach in 15 minutes. I like that it gets cold here, but that the sun still shines. Honestly though these are the only reasons. I know that changes need to be made. I know that I have got to get the kids around other kids and all of us have got to get connected to people. My decision cannot be solely based on weather. It makes me sad and happy. There are possibly more work opportunities for David, he could teach at one of the colleges possibly.

I don’t know there is just more options to us there.

I cannot move to another place where I do not know anyone, I need to get my footing back socially. I have to walk in my new self-awareness for a while in a safe place and with support before venturing to a new town or something. I know it won’t take me long, but it is needed to gain my confidence back. We wouldn’t be moving for about 9 months anyway so we have time to process, plan, and take care of business around here.

Like preparing Daniel for a move!

Yikes, it took months for him to get back to his “normal” state when we moved here. That doesn’t even include everyone else around here. The good thing is he knows the place that we would move to. He has been there, he likes it, and even though he was very young while we stayed there for over a month or so, he remembers every detail and person. Once he became more verbal he would tell me about it. He asked me questions about it and also told me about the people and places we went to. I had no idea he took it all in like that, he wasn’t talking and was focused on every ceiling fan he found.  We’ll see how this all plays out.

Any prayers, happy thoughts, positive energy, or thought into the universe for direction, wisdom, and clarity is greatly welcomed. :-)


 

 

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09/16/11

Revisiting Aspergirls The Book

After thinking about some of these things that have truly “connected” in my brain this time around, I decided to revisit another book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. I touched on the chapters titled “Marriage and Cohabitation” and “Burning Bridges” this evening. I did go over several others as well, but these two stuck out to me. First the marriage and cohabitation topic. I went back over this because it helped me remember that I am not the only one. The thing about my memory, which seems to be a common thread with Aspie’s, is that my long-term memory is insanely accurate and easy to retrieve through my senses or other triggers. My short-term memory is not as easy to retrieve and I forget a lot. I thought that there was something seriously wrong with my brain at times because my short-term memory was so bad. After reading this post “The Aspie Memory” I felt great comfort.

The terms “filmographic” instead of photographic and the “mysterious disappearing short-term memory” made me smile and say: “Thank you!”

One purpose for me writing all of these connecting factors is to create a deep-rooted memory. I am trying to get that long-term memory movie that plays and can be infused by my senses and series of events to ensure that I DO NOT FORGET. I know I will if I do not. I digress! In the chapter about marriage and cohabitation she has some very insightful things to say. First an aspergirls home is very important. It needs to be safe, we have control over all of our sensory input and needs in our home. She said: “If we have enough money to live in our choice environment, home is heaven on earth.” What a lovely thought! Oh, when my home is in perfect order, the perfect temperature, the perfect lighting, on and on I am the happiest person in the world. When my closet is straight and pantry is organized all neat and orderly, while everything else is a mess, I can find a little solace looking at them. Ok, sometimes I have plopped down in the middle of my closet and just smiled when everything is the way I want it.

I did it again…order makes me get dazed and giddy. :-)

She commented on how having someone in our life can be a benefit. Having someone helps us to not fall into complete solitary habits creating routines that we can become very rigid with. Also, that having another person in our life can bring challenges and help us to grow. She said: “Marriage is difficult; it is a series of exchanges, compromises, and conversations. It means sharing your physical space, meals, having less alone time.” Ok, I know that most people know this, but when you are actually living it, it can be much more difficult to grasp. For me I would say the conversation part can be the most challenging. Sometimes I just do not want to talk or cannot from the intense sensory/social things that I have experienced. I am not trying to be rude, I just need quiet.

Another thing that really popped out at me was this:

“For us, it really takes a special kind of person to be in it for the long haul.”

I know that I am difficult. I know that I can be frustrating with my questions and constant fixations that I get so incredibly excited about. I know that I am intense and many times TOO honest, I have tried to stop me, but I just can’t. I think David may be happier if I wasn’t so honest at times. :-) If I keep it to myself though, I get sick and can get depressed. I really got a lot out of reading this chapter again because it helped me feel accepting of myself and realize that I do not have isolated issues or feelings. I will share some more quotes that I thought were good.

“I need a partner to keep me sane! He knows more about AS than me and he’s very aware about how to handle my meltdowns or upsets.” (Sarah)

“I chose my Aspie husband because he was uncomplicated, straightforward, honest, and strong in areas that I am weak. We connected on a non-verbal level. I knew he understood me and I understood him.” (Jen)

She said before the next quote:

“Because we don’t like the whole dating process, and because there may have been few men whom we had a romantic connection to, some of us jump very quickly into marriage. Aspergirls like myself have married because we were at a certain age; we didn’t know what love was, we just thought it was the right time.”

“I have married twice, both times quickly without dating, and at the insistence of the other. I would not recommend this; both men ended up abusive. Now I love my solitude!” (Widders) 

I found what she said and this last quote to be very helpful with my own feelings of “I should have known” for just getting into relationships and not dating or questioning why the person just ended up in my life. It seems to be another area where some Aspie’s fall into and that helps me not feel so stupid to be honest. She goes on to talk about how we are innocent and believe people at their word and believe that they will keep their words to us. Speaking about her own marriages, she felt lonely in both and they criticized her. I am going to share some other quotes she wrote because I think that they are important and empowering.

“It’s really important that a person with Asperger’s is not criticized. That only makes us curl up into a ball.  We need positive reinforcement for the good things we do, and then we will strive to do more of that. It takes a very special partner to understand this.”

“Some of us, because of the social criticisms and isolation we have had to endure, may have internalized that we don’t “deserve” a truly wonderful partner; that being lonely might be the price we pay for being flawed. The right partner will look at those same attributes with a very different perspective than the wrong one.”

“Meltdowns and depression can take on mammoth proportions for an Aspergirl and it takes a special man not to run away in the face of our emotional storms.”

The last one about meltdowns and depression are a pretty big deal. Though I understand many of my triggers and sensory/social issues that can cause me to have my moments they can feel random and all of a sudden. I have not had deep depression or major meltdowns in a long time because of the progression of awareness and understanding I have gained about myself. They can happen if I am pushed (figuratively) into talking or requested to express myself when I do not have the words or understanding of things. If I have social confusion or sensory overload I can meltdown or shut down. Sometimes I am just dizzy, feel nauseous, and have no words, those are the times not to ask me questions or force me to talk.

Last quote from this chapter:

“A person married to an Aspergirl has to be nurturing, patient, and he has to read–for if he doesn’t read about AS, he’ll never get you.”

The “Burning Bridges” chapter.

OH! I am notorious for burning bridges. When I am done with someone I am done. It takes a lot to get me to the point of getting rid of a person entirely in my life, but when I hit my wall that is it. I do not have what my mom has, the ability to forget their existence. Sometimes I wish I did. I tend to fixate on them for a while until I have resolved completely that I am done. I realize that this is not good, but I am not sure how to stop it. I have done this with jobs as well. When I discovered that a couple of places that I worked for were dishonest in their practices I could not force myself to go. I HAD to quit. I did not give notice and that left gaps in my resume. There are certain things that in my mind trump other things, such as, I felt it was just to up and leave those places without notice because they were liars and thieves.

That trumped my irresponsible behavior by not giving  notice and not having another job lined up.

I am glad to see that I am not the only one that has some pretty erratic behavior. In the chapter many of the women share similar stories that they did in their own life. I am one who has randomly decided that it was time to pack up and move and start over on several occasions. This type of behavior seems odd for an Aspie since we do like routine and constant. However, when “burning bridges” we are the one in control. It has always been MY decision to make the choice to leave a relationship (any type) or employment and never looking back, while in burning bridges mode. I confess it has felt good to make those decisions and walk away and say ‘Screw you!” BUT then I have been left with the consequences. Those are always painful and hard to deal with. I do not suggest always burning bridges because in my experiences they come back to burn me again.

I have had to humble myself and apologize on several occasions because of this behavior.

I have learned my lesson after so many years of doing it and I have decided that it is much better to think through things and not make those decisions based on “being done” with people or being in a meltdown mode. In some cases it was the best thing for me to do. I do think that being a mom and being older has changed this behavior in me quite a bit. When I was single and younger I could just pack up and go and never look back, I cannot do that now there is a lot more at stake. There have been several reasons for my burning bridges. Mostly it was because I felt trapped. I felt like I was in a bad situation and needed to get out. Some of them were and it was good that I got out. Others I did out of anger or hurt. Those are the ones that have always come back for me to deal with.

I will share some more quotes from this chapter and then sign off.

If you have not read this book I highly recommend it for anyone who thinks that they may be an Aspergirl or someone who loves an Aspergirl and wants to understand her better. It is a great resource for parents. This is just my opinion I do not get anything for saying all of that, I really think that it is a great book. It has been very helpful to me anyway.

“If I do not like a situation it’s so much easier to just walk away, avoid it and never look back. Usually it’s just a relief but then if I’m avoiding someone I have to worry about running into them so it can add some stress too. I have a really bad memory so after some time has passed, if I run into someone, I’m just like nothing ever happened.” (Nikki)

“My life is a series of burned bridges. At the time, it feels as if I am right and that I am standing up for what I believe in. Often I am. I have, however, learned in the past decade that I can be very black and white in my thinking.” (Camilla)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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09/15/11

Emotional Manipulators–OMG!

I had no idea that emotional manipulators existed. In my naïvity I have been completely unaware that people use emotions to manipulate. I understood to a point, I guess. Honestly though it has not been something that has crossed my mind. Why would it? I can barely understand my emotions I cannot possibly spend time trying to manipulate others. :-) There have been a series of events that have led me to researching emotional manipulators, I am not going to go into them even though every fiber in my being wants to give every minute detail….Let me say, my brain takes a while to get things. It is like part of my brain is writing in the future and doesn’t understand what it is writing about until much later.

I came up with a title “Angel’s Brain Delay”.

Just because I am on delay does not mean that I won’t get it. I wish someone would help me get it a bit faster though! I guess I need to do my own process so I truly grasp what I am learning/seeing. There is a lot in all of this, but I feel like it is very important to write about. Especially for those on the autism spectrum or those who are their supporters. We need people to watch out for us! We need people who are trustworthy and are supportive. We need people around us who will act upon their “gut” feelings about others who come into our lives. People who love us and have our best interest in mind, not theirs.

Throughout my life I have had family and friends tell me about their doubts and concerns after the fact.

They have questioned and doubted their own feelings because I gave the perception of being happy. I wore masks because I thought that I was wrong about my own “gut” feelings. I sat in silence about my doubts and concerns about people in my life because everyone seemed to like them and think that they were great. My mind can get easily confused by people’s motives and being prone to thinking that I am the one who is wrong, I will default to how I perceive others acting toward that person. The problem is that the people that I trust most have the same issue as I do, they think that they are the problem.

It has taken me a while, but I have some real clarity about emotional manipulation.

It is like being brainwashed, in many ways you are. You lose identity, voice, confidence, and your brain becomes confused. For someone like me, I am a target for people like that. It is very clear if you have read my blog about relationships or anything about people that I am easily manipulated. However, when I see and comprehend something there is no turning back. It has taken years upon years for me to look at my life and get to this moment to say: “I am not the problem!” My goodness I have not done anything wrong. What really gets me and throws me into confusion are those who say: “Oh, no Angel you haven’t done anything wrong. I support you completely and want the best for you.” While they are saying and doing little things to trigger doubt and insecurity. It makes me feel like I am insane!

I know that there are many others who have felt this way.

We are not weak or insecure, but have been convinced that we are and finally give in and believe it. I would give examples of my own life, but I have plenty throughout this blog. Once you see the pattern and the signs you cannot help, but see it with clarity. I am going to share several resources that have great information. This is so important for a person on the autism spectrum, we can go from the extreme of trusting any and everyone to trusting no one and living just to protect ourselves. We are vulnerable because of our lack of social understanding, especially people’s intentions. Those who seem to be the most trustworthy and looking out for our best interest could be the worst possible person in our life.

I think the hardest part for me to grasp is that it is not on purpose.

Most people who are emotional manipulators do not set out to be that way. They are not trying to hurt others. They are operating out of their own hurt and insecurities. They are trying to control every aspect of their own emotions to ensure that they never get hurt. In the process they have become completely dependent on another person for their emotional gauge and happiness. With a person like me, these type of people are poison. They slowly kill me and cause me to waste away. I begin to shut down everything. I get so confused and sick that I cannot live unless I am numb. It was easy before when I thought everything was my fault, but now that I see it I cannot accept that it is my fault. I have had a flood of my past and recent experiences and I cannot accept that I am solely at fault for all that they claimed I was.

I have my own problems, I am sure some things are my fault, but I am not taking ALL the blame any longer.

I didn’t truly understand passive-aggressive behavior until several months ago. It is hard for me to comprehend people doing things like that so I have been digging around and found this article that I thought was very good in explaining aggression. Two Types of Aggression There is a section called “The Process of Victimization” that really helped me understand how I could fall into victimization. Here are some things taken from each section and my voice about it.

“But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence they’re aggressing against us, we can’t readily validate our feelings.” 

Oh, goodness! YES!! I think that Aspie’s can have an even greater challenge because of this. 

“The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring, defending, …, almost anything but fighting.”

I get taken every time I feel like someone is in need or hurting, I have mentioned before that I have a “help” trump card in my brain that will default my reason if I feel someone is hurting or in need. I get played.

“All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit.”

There are many things deemed as weakness or insecurities in me that have been exploited. I believe the main problem is my lack of understanding and I think that those of us who are not as wise to social cues, unspoken rules and the ways of the world  have more of a challenge here.

“What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we’ve been taught to believe about human nature.”

Ok, thank you. I am not completely blind here. My gut tells me one thing and my brain gets confused because I hear something that feels wrong, but it is said with a smile or with a “I only care about you and want the best for you.” kind of talk.

The whole article is quite insightful and very helpful. I suggest reading the whole thing. I did find a couple of videos that were good and several other articles. It is so strange when things get connected and become very clear. However, it is pointless to try to communicate to someone who is an emotional manipulator, it will always be your fault or someone else’s fault. They will confuse and distort words and what you are saying. For me, I just shutdown because I get so confused and mixed up. I tend to become very strange in my behavior because I am so utterly confused and do not know what to do. I will stop talking as well. I honestly do not know if people who are like this can change.

It seems highly unlikely, unless they are willing to recognize and take action on their part.

I understand that people operate out of pain and hurt themselves. I understand that people may have grown up in environments where that is all they know and it is the only way that they feel in control. I understand some people are just rotten. I understand it, but I do not fully grasp it. I guess all of us at some point manipulate others to get what we want. But I am truly clueless when I do it. It wouldn’t cross my mind to try to use someone to get what I want. Especially, their emotions. I see how it is a very good tactic though, emotions can make people do practically anything.

Oh, well here are some resources.

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

How to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation  (Seems cleaner than above version.)

Emotional Manipulation Disguised  (A personal blog)

How to Deal With a Manipulator

Emotional Manipulation  (This was hard to read with all of the colors and fonts, but it had some good information.)

Recognizing Emotional Abuse Video  (This video hit me hard because he first speaks about how our behavior is learned by our children.”To teach our children confidence we first need to have confidence.” I don’t want my kids confused like I have been or lacking self esteem. I don’t know about the woman in the beginning or the excerpt of song at the end though.)

Emotional Manipulation–What it is & Are You Using It?  (This guy is a hoot! He was kind of hard to watch and listen to at times, but he had some good information too and I thought it was worth sharing.)


 

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09/14/11

Aspie Isolation

I am prone to go through isolation cycles. I understood this about myself, but didn’t understand why until I learned about Aspergers. As a child I did long to have friends and do things, but I would also be alright by myself. I would find myself getting frustrated with other kids because they would not play the “right” way or they would confuse me because of various social reasons or they were just mean. I recalled recently that I had one friend throughout grade school who stuck with me for quite a while. He seemed to be a bit odd like me, and we grabbed hold of each other in 2nd grade, I think. He was a lot more social than I was and he helped me find friends when we were in the same class.

I had a love-hate relationship with him.

Sometimes he would get on my nerves and I wanted him to go away, other times he was my best friend in the world and I didn’t understand why he needed other friends. When in the same class we were always seated next to each other because our last names both began with the same letter and the next letters were very close. As we grew older he started becoming a young man and getting into the ladies. I did not understand him, I tried to be all cool and understand the whole junior high girl/boy stuff going on, but to be honest I was clueless and the only scripts I had were from late night movies. (Not good) We drifted apart and in high school I was barely allowed to talk to another guy because of my boyfriend so he and I really lost touch.

Thinking about him though, I realized how I have needed people in my life that promote me not being isolated.

I went to parties that I would not have been invited to, but thanks to him I was. My mom didn’t have a problem with him (huge) so I was allowed to go places and ride in the car with his mom. Like the skating rink, for a while I lived at the skating rink every Friday night! As I wrote about my past friends as a young adult and even my relationships I see how they helped me get out and be social. I had a good group of people or at least some good friends who were good for me in that aspect. It’s when I get away from people that I start to isolate even more. My anxiety increases and I begin to fear the world that I am actually not afraid of. I may not understand it, it may cause me problems in several areas, but I am not afraid of it.

I have gone on some pretty exciting adventures because of friends who motivated me to go.

I have done some pretty awesome things that I would not have done had it not been for my friends. I have a natural exploration side to me, I admit that it is a good idea for me to be with a trustworthy person/people because of my wandering and all. However, I am really baffled at my complete isolation shutdown in the past years. It is not me at all. Isolation is not a bad thing for an Aspie, it is good to have it at times. Actually it is needed and it is not necessarily complete isolation from everyone, but from the outside world. I am looking over my life the last several years and I see this as not good isolation.

I have become more anxious and fearful.

My anxiety levels are quite a bit higher than the average person when it comes to meeting new people. I can hyperventilate and get really fuzzy headed when meeting someones family or friends for the first time. I do not know why because I always do fine and I have not had any bad experiences, really. I have had a couple times where I could tell people didn’t like me or they didn’t get me. However, there has never been anything so traumatic that should cause me such anxiety. My eyes are opened to the fact that I have lost who I am and the things that I enjoy. It feels like I have become someone that I do not know at all. I think I have and that is changing.

There should be a nice balance.

I need people in my life, I need healthy relationships in my life. I am understanding that my isolation is much easier as an adult and it has been much easier to isolate while working through Daniel’s progression. I have many factors for my isolation, but I see how I have become unhealthy and unbalanced in this area. I think for a lot of Aspie’s we just decide that it is easier to be isolated than try to face what feels like rejection in the outside world. In some cases it is rejection, in other cases I believe it is lack of understanding from the Aspie and the NT’s. We just do not know how to communicate to each other very well and we really do not know how to bridge the gap.

I do have hope about this though.

The more we have awareness about how each party communicates AND there is actual listening, comprehension, and acceptance, the better our relationships get. I do want to stress that there may be some people on the spectrum who truly enjoy being alone, people may not understand it. Some may only like very limited social contact, some may prefer that their only source of social contact is via internet (this sounds very appealing at times), but we do need some sort of social contact. Not to be pushed into it, but to find things that would motivate us to want to be social and continue being social. It takes a lot some days and on those days, it is better to just stay away from the world. Then, there are days that work great and would be perfect to go out and do some exciting social adventures. After every social adventure though, there has got to be down time otherwise the anxiety rises and the cost seems too great.

Observing my own isolation I see that it is not good at all.

I became isolated for about four years, moved here and became friends and overly social with the wrong types of people for me and then shutdown again. There are many reasons for this that I am not going to go into, the main reason is from frustration and exhaustion on many levels. I have gotten so bad this past year that I cut off virtually everyone. Recently, I have had contact with family and friends that I have not been able to talk to openly about things until the last couple months and it has revealed some things that really concern me. I need people who are supportive and understanding about my isolation tendencies and who will help motivate me to go out and do things again. The kids have been quite sheltered, not completely, but they have missed out on some things that I would like for them to experience as kids.

It is a lot better now with Daniel communicating and being able to handle sensory issues much more.

The kids need healthy balance as well. They cannot be overly social and sensory stimulated otherwise it will not be a very fun around here. I am thinking of things that we can do that they have not experienced. I realized how I have dropped the ball as their mom in this area. I am going to change it. Actually I have already started changing things for me that has caused my anxiety to go down. I have gotten on the phone and talked to people. I have called places trying to find some good social groups or situations for the kids. I have tried to Skype, BUT my microphone won’t work, yet. Saturday was very socially packed I have written about it, but will share another day. I have been riding my bike and going for walks with the kids and talking to my neighbors. WHAT? Who am I? The best part, I am not feeling anxious. I understand my limits and I am listening.

Isolation when balanced is not a bad thing, just like socializing when balanced isn’t bad either.

Several resources I found to have interesting/helpful information.

Autistic Spectrum Conditions & Anxiety Disorders

 Social Anxiety Disorder

7 Insights Article

Aspergers-Interacting vs. Isolation

Aspergers Adult Support Network (This site has some good resources)

Aspergers Fact Sheet (not sure why, but felt I should put this up)


 

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