Guess what? I have broken open a flood inside my heart. After writing out all of these issues that I have been working through I have discovered something, the cage surrounding my feelings has been opened. I seem to have locked away a lot of my emotions over the years so that I would force myself not to feel. I have repeatedly told David that I feel like a robot. I am not a robot. He has always challenged me in these words of mine because he sees me. I have a strange way of not seeing things in myself but seeing them clearly in others. David, my mom, and close friends have repeatedly told me that I am a loving, caring and generous person.
I haven’t seen it.
Or if I have seen it then words from various voices have popped up and said “Now you are just being prideful”. I do not do nice things or show how I care for others because I want or expect something, I just do it. After I wrote the last two posts dealing with fear of abandonment, something seemed to just leave me. A foreboding dark cloud of some sort just up and left. The lie that lingered has started to fly away and I see the sun shining down. I know that I will have other things to work through in my lifetime but once I “get” something, I get it. There is no need for me to return. I am able to see the error in my thinking and move on. I have no guilt or shame about it, it is what it is and it’s a done feeling.
I realized this with the word “soon”.
I got so angry with myself for being afraid of a simple word. But see, it wasn’t the word, it was the not knowing hidden in that word. It represented something that I did not want to face – it represented that I do not have certainty about this life. Like many of my anxious feelings, I am afraid of the unknown or the uncertainty of something. There is something truly manifesting in my thought process about these phantom fears of mine. They are smoke screens of what I am truly fearful of: I get afraid of being hurt or being in a state of confusion. Confusion causes me much pain. In my mind, I have taken these phantom fears and placed tangible fears in their place so I could hold on to something because a fear of something is far better than not knowing.
I can apply this to many of my fears. I have created fears or reasons so that I would no longer be in a state of confusion. Confusion makes me ill. It causes me to not be able to eat, sleep, think, and live, basically. It just puts me in a state of depression so in order for me to be able to function, I created faces to my fears to help me be able to put them away. This has caused me to have many inaccurate feelings and ideas. It has also caused me to shut down my emotions throughout the years. I do not know if others are able to do this as well, but I have to ability to turn off certain feelings so that I will not feel it anymore. But they are still stored and documented and they manifest through other means.
Anger is one that I dealt with over the last two years.
I did not allow myself to feel angry for a long time because I interpreted anger as a wrong emotion. I felt like I was judging people or that I had misunderstood them when the anger would arise. Partly this was due to me having meltdowns and freakouts throughout my life and people telling me how wrong I was for doing so. I admit that my temper was out of control in many cases, but it was mostly due to lack of understanding, and most of the time, I knew that I was being treated badly but did not know how to express it. Hence, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, BLOW!! I experienced full-blown rage with the church people that continued to tell me that I had done something to cause Daniel’s autism. When he was not accepted, most people didn’t even acknowledge him, or me when he was with me. It made me angry and confused.
Rage stirred in my belly when I continued to see people used and abused in the name of serving the Lord.
I had seen it too often, I had seen too many people have their voices squelched, their identities destroyed for the sake of leaders’ desires, the words of the bible used to manipulate and control others. If you haven’t witnessed this in your religious (or other forms of institution) circles, great! I mean really, I think that is a wonderful thing, but it does happen and people get hurt and people become dependent on leaders and no longer rely on their instincts or the true biblical understandings. It happens and the truths of humanity in the bible become caricatures of the opinions and views of leaders. It burned rage in me that I forced down because I thought I was wrong. The rage, however, was left in me. I was unable to see clearly what had happened to me in churches but I could see it in others.
I could recognize it and call it out for others but not for myself.
I do this with a lot of things. I dealt with a lot of that rage in the last two years. I wrote about it, I thought about it, I finally saw it in my life and I dealt with it. I can finally hear a sermon and not get angry, though I get annoyed sometimes, I no longer get angry. I dealt with my triggers and allowed myself to feel that anger. I reposted something a while ago about my feelings about church and after that it was done. I thought there was a lot more, but there wasn’t. I had already typed out so much in my personal journals that I had actually been helping myself heal without knowing it. I got settled with people and I got settled with God on the topic and have since moved on into a new journey of understanding my personal experiences with God, this world and spirituality.
The same thing is happening now with love.
I had said before that I had only felt love once. It is true but evaluating it I see why it was so impactful. It was the first time I gave myself freely and didn’t work on trying to hide until I became confused. The relationship exposed things in me that I had a choice to deal with or stifle. I chose to deal with many things that it exposed in me but then out of fear, I stopped it. I began to hide away parts of me that had started to manifest, I only allowed “safe” invisible parts of me out, ones that I knew would not hurt too badly. I already started to build walls around my heart and soul, so when I met David, I had actually spent an entire year forcing myself not to feel for myself but only feel for others. I could control my feelings but not the feelings that I was overwhelmed with by others.
In a way, I had been so vulnerable that I felt I had to protect myself from feeling.
I can walk in a room and be consumed by people’s feelings, emotions, thoughts, vibrations, I don’t know how to explain it – I just feel them. If I allowed myself to feel what I felt also, it was too much. For the past two years, I have been in a safe place to deal with me. I have not allowed myself to feel love through me in a very long time. I know that it started when I had a miscarriage over 10 years ago. I was terribly hurt by people, their words and my own inability to be able to grieve properly. It started a shutdown process. I started to eliminate the shutdown, but quickly had to go back into shutdown mode for various reasons, such as being ostracized by my church, an (ex) husband who was being a complete jerk, I got laid off from my job, I lost a friendship that meant a lot to me, and started a new church. That was a few…there is a lot more. All of this happened one after another, things just piled up and I was incredibly confused by a lot of this stuff.
I had to stop feeling.
All of this awakening has been incredibly painful but SO worth it. I am discovering how much I do love. I love people, I do. I have convinced myself for years that I don’t. I like the fact that I can find good in people, even though I need to be cautious with that. I would rather see the potential and possibly motivate them to get there. Those who are mean or nasty can help change me for the better. I have a choice to be bitter and angry or not allow their issues to be mine. That is an entirely different thing than righteous indignation or standing up against injustices in the world.
I love life.
There is so much treasure in this world. There are so many great things to ponder and experience, a lifetime is not enough. I know there are terrible, horrible things that happen in this world but I also see so many triumph over the tragedy in their lives. What was meant to destroy or break a person made them stronger and a powerful voice to encourage others. My prayer for people in those detestable, wretched situations would be that they come out with their voice loud and powerful, that their hearts would not be formed into bitterness or fear but that they would see their strength, value and fearlessness in them that they survived.
They are there to talk about it and help others.
I am just writing run on sentence after run on sentence. My mind is but a whirlwind of thought and I am not sure what I am trying to say. I feel the power of loving one another today. I feel the sensation of oneness with our world and with creation. I feel something that I have not allowed myself to feel in a very long time. I feel the light of the world that does not allow darkness to consume. I feel balance. I feel, I feel! I have no idea what tomorrow holds but I am not afraid of it. I do not know how anything will play out and in a way I comforted in that thought. I actually feel the peace of not knowing. If for a moment, I felt it.
I would rather have that moment of feeling than never know of its existence.