I have been working very hard on trying to process my feelings of anxiety right now but I am on the verge. I hit a moment of complete inability to calm my mind yesterday once, but I hadn’t even realized that I was in a frenzy until after I snapped at David. I was so angry at him and didn’t even know why. I had no filter at all to discern how I was talking. When he brought it to my attention, I just wanted to go away. I got physically nauseous and shutdown. I laid on the couch for a little bit but kept telling myself I had to get up and do something. I got up and did a workout to help get my heart going because once again I was freezing and could not get warm. I was much better later in the day but I woke this morning, feeling the dizzy head, shortness of breath, emotional but not emotional, I hate it!
I can list the logical reasons for my feelings.
I know that a lot of this has to do with the chemicals my brain released for all of these social things that I have been doing and now my brain is trying to balance the extremes that it used for these social encounters. Rational. I am going on my fourth day of not being able to sleep. I have been waking up all throughout the night and have been having some strange dreams that I cannot recall, which is strange because normally I remember them clearly. My head is still fuzzy but I do not have a headache, good. I haven’t been able to eat very much lately, I do not know why. I have put myself out there quite a bit lately, online and in the physical. I have to be ok for the kids, but because of this, I will continue to press down feelings until it gets too hard. Not good.
I am getting ready to do a women’s group with my mom in a week.
I haven’t led a bible study with adults for a long time, especially with women. It always goes well though, but it is the anticipation of it all and having to get to know new people. Plus the added anxiety I have about making sure I do not say anything offensive with my beliefs around here – it is very conservative. Even though I do have a knack for stirring up people and getting them thinking about what they believe, it still is not fun. I never like to make people shaky about their beliefs. However, I also do not like seeing people stagnant and only believe what they have been told their whole life without question. Something in me will not let it go and I start thinking in my head “Wake up! Get your spirit stirred! Wake up!” Then my mom’s response is sitting in the back of this perpetual loop of trying not to stir the pot but knowing I cannot control myself! She normally doesn’t respond badly but I get the look to “tone it down” as to not scare the natives.
I have been working through some intense emotional things.
I guess I haven’t thought of the physical and emotional working together there. I feel good though, something clicked for me and I do feel really good in that area. I do not feel good about feeling exposed. The feeling exposed part is what freaks me out when I am already being quite social. It is giving too much of myself at once and I need to limit that to help me not go into full blown panic attack. I am just rambling I think. I wanted to write this to help me observe my patterns and also maybe it will help someone else. I have a couple videos that I thought were good and helpful to share. When I am in a state like this or looping terribly, I tend to forget that anyone else has similar or the same experiences.
When I remember, I go looking for videos of fellow AS people sharing.
This helps me tremendously. I am normally not able to read well when my mind is all fuzzy like this, only emails, the stuff I write and few blogs that I am comfortable with. So the videos really help me find peace in knowing that I am not alone, it will pass, and I am not making it up. I know that I am not making it up but sometimes it feels like I am because no one around me seems to understand what my problem is and either do I. If anyone is feeling alone in what you are feeling, let me just say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! THIS TOO SHALL PASS! YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT UP! I am not yelling, well maybe I am yelling that at myself. I am sure someone else needed to read that too.
And now for some videos. The first two have some good tips.
Donna Williams – A tour of Exposure Anxiety Wow, this one explains a lot. I highly recommend this one for parents of children with autism.
Asperger update This one was beneficial to me because of seeing that I am not alone and she explains well the similar feelings I have (do) had of getting upset at myself for feeling like I should be “normal”. Realizing just how “normal” I am not is a bit overwhelming at times. I do not mean that in a bad way – it is that at times I feel like I understand the world then to have the carpet yanked from under my feet and fall flat on my booty comes to a surprise and it is sometimes hard to take.
Now I am going to try to focus on some positive things.
BUT please keep those in the UK in your thoughts and prayers. Here is a poem that Lisa from Alienhippy wrote that I would like to share: Riots in England.