Ok, I am exploring some things in me that I have not allowed myself to do in a very long time. I actually cannot even remember when I have unleashed my thoughts and feelings about certain topics and interests. I have restrained many of my thoughts that brought me comfort as I was child and while living alone. I am reviving some, like numbers and writing out visuals, but another one that is a huge part of my interest is echoes. Yes, I have been fascinated with echoes for a very long time. I wrote about a small part of my experience with echoes on here somewhere, I can’t remember where. It was a strange moment. However, it brought to fruition this thought process I have about echoes.

I used to play in water all the time as a child, ok, I still do.

As a child though, I would wander all the time, I would get in trouble but I couldn’t help myself. I would find creeks, rocks, bugs, leaves, and many other kinds of things that would get me sidetracked. Where do the echoes come in? Well, this may sound very strange but here I go. An echo for me is a constant feeling, for me it feels like I am walking through many echoes at the same time but only living in one. I can see various story lines to my life and the echoes represent the choices that I can or do make. I do not see the outcome but I can see some of the choices before me. I can feel ripples in time that feel as if I cross over. I also see the echoes through nature, the constant wave that connects me to this world. It is strange indeed. I do not think that is psychotic, I think it is just how my brain processes things.

I have always had vivid and detailed dreams.

Some of these dreams feel like I have jumped into one of my echoes. I do not believe that I am in some other world, truly. It just feels that way. I have tried to describe the way that I see things and it is very foreign to others so I keep a lot of these things quiet. People think that I am crazy when I speak of these things. I am not, I believe it is the way my brain processes my sensory, my emotional and physical state. Some of my visuals that I see feel very real, I know that they are not but at the moment I feel them and see them so clearly that I am in that world.

It feels like I have leaped into an echo.

I am fascinated with echoes because the way that I envision an echo is transferred to sight, sound and physical sensation. I see like a fuzzy haze over everything that I have called my “bubble” in the past. I am not sure what it is but it looks like a bunch of tiny echoes and if I listen closely I can hear them.  I have learned to turn off this visual and the sound otherwise I can  get sucked into the thought of the echoes and wonder what they are.

Music looks like dancing echoes to me.

Music makes my echoes come alive and helps connect emotions or thoughts to what I cannot describe through my own words. It’s like I can hear the colors of music and they help me feel. I can see the living thing that is in the notes. I do this when I get sucked into numbers and also when searching for words. As I read the definition of echo, I just think yes. I then get intrigued by the concept of the Byzantine music theory, in turn gets me fixated on the Octoechos (simple term eight modes), I find my mind connecting numbers, music, poetry, and science all into one. I see why I have stopped myself from going into my “echo” mindset. It can be all-consuming. I get sucked into thinking about how all of us are living in echoes, our lives represent songs and poetry and then I want to research and find connections to all of my thoughts.

I find comfort in the echos.

The echoes represent some sort of order for me, they also represent that not all things have answers. When I think of  my echoes they make me consider others, I am able to remember that I can think out side of the box. I am rippled into remembering that I do not have all the answers and I cannot. Even though the thought frightens me it still brings comfort because I know that I can just leave my questions and come back at another time if need be. I wish I could describe my echo theory properly but this is too complex visually for me to describe and it has different components that I am not sure will make sense to anyone else.  Although, I am exploring my echoes. I am allowing myself to feel for the first time in a long time and part of that is feeling the undulate of my thoughts.

I feel like the lights have been turned on in me and I have no idea what I will find.

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