According to David I am like oobleck, not the green goo from the Dr. Seuss book but the non-Newtonian fluid corn starch and water kind. The other day, after talking to me for quite a while that was the conclusion that he came to. He wasn’t being mean; I actually think that he described me accurately. He said (figuratively about my attitude) “if someone comes at you that you feel is like force, you harden up, but if someone just lets you be then you will flow.” It is true if someone comes at me and I feel like it is forceful extraction of information or assumptions or overly friendly or something, I shutdown. When I say forceful, I mean bombarding me with information or questions or physical affection. When I am looping and stimming, he has gotten frustrated or has an urge to help me.
Then the questions come and what feels like extracting information from me.
I feel like at times my answers are being prodded out of me and it causes me great confusion or complete shutdown. It is mainly when I feel like I have answered something sufficiently and clearly but the person will continue to ask in multiple ways or my answers cause another round of questions or ideas or presumptions. I just feel swarmed. Sometimes it is good for David to try to get me to talk because I do tend to close up into my own world when I am trying to understand my emotions or a situation. There needs to be a balance though. When I am emotionally vulnerable, I can get overwhelmed and feel a mix of emotions that I cannot discern what are mine and what belongs to another person. I have had several friends in the past week, aside from David, who are experiencing intense emotional and stressful situations and it has affected me.
I feel it.
I sense it and it is hard for me to sort them out from my own. I am feeling my things that I do not even understand. I then start writing whatever comes to mind. I get fixated on strange things, like trying to find something that I haven’t thought of in years. A song, a book, a show, or I become obsessed with looking at pictures, especially of space. When I am in this loop, but sometimes I get completely freaked out when looking at pictures of space, the reality of it all. Ahhh!
When I feel like I am forced to talk it seems to throw me into confusion.
It also causes me emotional stress; David is working hard at not doing this to me. However, when he sees me escaping into my world it worries him. He forgets that I have done this always to help me process. The other day, while we were talking, he told me that I had not behaved like this before, not this extreme. I reminded him of every major and small event we had experienced and how I responded. I shared with him each stim and ways that I processed during those times. After systematically going through them he was able to see the pattern and realized that this is what I do. I have to in order to process. Although, from his point of view this time looks completely different from my behavior in the past.
It does look a bit different this time.
I didn’t see it until he said that. In the past, I was very productive in organizing, gathering information, and then implementing it. I would focus on helping others or find some sort of way to be productive; it was never really in creative ways. I never allowed myself to truly tap into my writing or my emotions. I have had them locked up because they were too hard. It is too hard. I feel broken but I know that I need to feel broken to get back together. This time I am using a creative outlet, I am being very productive in writing, dancing and gathering music. I used to do this before David and I met. Now I need to find a balance.
This is new for me.
I am terrified with the feelings that I have, most of all my confusion. I do not know where to place it or how to get it to make sense. I do know this pattern though, I do this often. I go through great confusion, start to reorganize, and slowly put things back into place. The problem this time is that I am really facing things and I DON’T WANT TO! I want them to go back in their box. I want to be hard and unmovable. But not really, in the long run going through all of this will make me a better person. I have to go through this, embrace what I am feeling, understand what emotions are and accept them. I do think I need to look to a third-party though to help me talk through some things. I think I really need that to find some balance.
It always feels like it will never resolve.
I know that is not true. It usually gets resolved. Usually. I can calm my nerves a bit by recognizing that I am not the only one looping and getting fixated in the house. We are in a cycle where everyone seems to be stuck. Daniel is asking for toys that he had as an infant and arguing with me about them being gone. He thinks I have them hidden in the garage. He is asking questions non-stop. Ariel is doing things that she only does during this cycle, like walking the perimeter of the house, sliding her hands along the wall. She is sucking on her fingers and getting lost in stares. Joshua is fixated on Daniel and Ariel playing with him and if they do not he starts asking the same questions over and over. He has also shut down and not been able to use his words several times.
They are all fixated on certain toys, shows, and objects.
At least I am not the only one…right? Well I do realize that I need to find balance just like I try to help the kids have balance, this time it is very hard. Maybe it will be much better after this week. David took some time off the other day and I was able to go the beach all alone. I had real alone time, where I did not have to go to the store or run any errands. I was able to swim and play in the ocean all by myself, read my book, listen to music, take a billion pictures and just sit. I was hesitant about doing that, to be honest I had not done that really in about 7 years. I haven’t done anything by myself where I didn’t have a specific thing to do. I didn’t even realize this until David made me aware of the fact. Of course, it was after a complete crying meltdown. I have no idea why I was crying, I just felt broken.
I know it will pass, these are just emotions.
Emotions that I do not even understand or know what they are. I just feel overwhelmed. Immediately I started to analyze it all away. I find it so ridiculous for me to be like this and not understand why, completely. I know that is not right, I shouldn’t do that to myself but my mind just races trying to find answers for my behavior. I guess the next thing is for me to be alright with feeling things without answers. I find that very difficult. What I don’t find difficult is sitting here staring at my little objects that I have gathered and placed neatly lined in rows on my desk. Those are quite lovely. Peace out!
I don’t think I’ll stop being like oobleck though.
Side Note: I thought this had some very insightful articles. When Art Heals