It is no secret that I believe in God, I talk about Jesus and I have talked about my faith. It is part of me and it just comes out. It is no secret with people who know me that I have a lot of questions about God, I do not think that is a bad thing. In the past several years though I have had several challenging events in my life to wonder what it is all about. Why do I believe in God? Why when I sit and think about it can I not deny that He exists or is even intervening somehow in our world? I am not asking for answers to these questions, I am just sharing. At times I am perfectly fine and settled with what I feel and then other times I am thrown once again. I think part of my problem is the expectations of others. Those who expect me to believe in God the way that they do, and if I don’t, they try to convince me how wrong I am.
What is the point of personal relationship?
Doesn’t the statement “personal relationship” automatically imply that my relationship will be different? There are fundamentals to religions that cannot be left out but still shouldn’t there be freedom to have that independent relationship with God? I have been going over past thoughts, journals and blog posts where I have stated that I heard God or I felt like He told me to do something. What is interesting is that I cannot say with absolute certainty that it was truly from God. When I look back I see how easily I have been influenced by others. Their voices, ideas, interpretations have all had a strong influence on me because I had so many years of feeling wrong and unable to trust myself.
David and I have discussed the beginning of our relationship.
At that time I was doing pretty well at gaining my trust back toward myself. I was walking in my independence and I spoke my mind. I had anxiety issues but I was able to control them through taking my alone time. I really started thinking about what happened to me, somewhere over the years I have lost my voice, my independence, my trust in myself, and own thoughts. When I first spoke to David that one night and we went for coffee, I didn’t know what it was, as a matter of fact I was thinking platonically because I felt that I was supposed to speak what God told me to and then David was supposed to do whatever with that.
As I think about it, after that night I do not think David has left my side.
He contacted me the next day and the next. Slowly all of my alone time was gone. I started isolating myself from church and friends and I went on a mission to help David. Shortly after we moved to another state the roles reversed. It was clear that after the move I was completely derailed and became the focus of needing help. It has been that way ever since. We have been searching for all of my problems and how to fix me. Year after year I have called upon God to fix me. Asking Him why do I lack intimacy? Why am I disconnected? Why don’t I understand? Why are there so many things wrong with me? Why won’t my brain stop? Why, why, why? And every year we found no answers. Although, we did gain a lot of answers when I discovered and embraced my Aspie traits and sensory processing issues but it did not fix my lack of connection.
Again I am facing God and I am asking questions about the voices in my head.
I am not ashamed about saying that I may have been wrong in what I have heard in the past, thinking it was God. It is part of our spiritual growth. We see it for what it is and move on. I used to have a fear about being false and claiming that what I heard was from God. I have always been cautious with that but the thing is I have a 50/50 chance. Either I am right or I am wrong. It doesn’t change the fact that God is there for me. He allows us to mess up and even mess up in His name, even to the point of blaming Him for all of those speaking out of their own motives. I will confess now that I have been one of those people.
So what do I with this?
Here it is, I have learned a very big lesson. I have learned that I have been influenced and guided in my thinking for a long time. I have learned to be codependent on God and authority figures in an unhealthy way. I have learned that I need to think for myself and start trusting my instincts, while still being cautious. I have learned that my relationship with God is my own and no one can tell me what it is supposed to look like and I definitely do not want to tell anyone else what theirs is supposed to look like. My personal opinion is that God wants us to think for ourselves. As we grow in our walk with Him or even as those who do not believe in Him, the challenge is to be ok with changing. Discovering that it is ok if our thoughts, ideas and even beliefs change over time. I’ve written it before but I will say it again, I think that is what we are supposed to do.
I am ok with being wrong in this area…for the moment.
I will probably freak out a little later but for now I understand the many ways I have submitted to others thoughts and direction. I see how I could not discern what was right or wrong because I was bombarded with information and ideas. I wasn’t given the time or the quiet to process and work through my own way of reasoning. This is a pattern I have done my whole life. I see how at times I turn around and do the same thing to others because I have been shaken and I am seeking answers. This time around I am stopping it. I need to process on my own, find my own voice and think for myself. It is very hard but I know I can do it because I have done it before. The difference this time is that I cannot lock myself up from the world and sink into my own private world to do so. I have to learn to process while the other voices are hammering me but also telling them they are not allowed to guide my decisions or progress.
We’ll see where this ride takes me.