A Lot Of Pondering

My mind seems to be going in all sorts of directions. One moment I am coming to a peaceful resolve the next I am thrown in a tailspin of thought. I am not looping as badly as I have in the past, I think it may be because I wrote about it. I will probably share it later. I have several different things that I am pondering about and several of the issues are driving me mad because they seem to have no answers. Now, if there is one thing that gets my mind going it is something that does not seem to have an answer. I have been able to put some of my questions to rest about the universe, God, philosophy, different religions, politics, etc…because I understand that there are many different opinions and ideas. I can understand having some gray areas and be settled in my mind with that.

Although, this has really only happened for me in the past few years and at times I still have problems.

As I think about the puzzle of people, I get so confused. I try to understand that people are different and handle things differently but it is very hard for me. One of the reasons is because of the blankness that I feel. I look at people and have no idea what they are doing or thinking. I really hate that I have to ask sometimes, but if I don’t I can cause more harm. Sometimes my honesty is too much to bear and I don’t understand why. I read this last night and it at least made me not feel bad for being so direct and honest with others. (Click on “Other stuff” to read the whole thing.)

Other stuff.

  • Lying, deceit, or insincerity, even to oneself, is an extremely uncomfortable experience for AS folks, due to their being so literal and having limited filters (however, the high-functioning ones tend to be very good actors). If forced to attempt deceit, there will usually be some sign of awkwardness. Autistics often find the action of keeping secrets emotionally painful, as everything must be processed before it is forgotten or replaced with something else, and a calculation/patterning cannot stop halfway. This can often lead to people suffering from AS being the type of person who exhibits Brutal Honesty.

This is one reason why when I feel that another person is hiding something or not being forthright I start digging for information. I tend to back off if I feel that they are doing it to me because I have not trusted my instincts but when it comes to others I am a hound. I will not stop until I find the answers and I am able to discern their motives. It sucks. I lose friends over this and I have made family members upset with my honesty and directness about people in their lives. I find it so odd that I am able to discern this for others but for myself it is fuzzy and unclear. I will get “feelings’ and instincts but still I question and doubt.

I feel so unable to read what people feel about me.

I have misjudged so many times, for instance one of my bosses seemed to dislike me very much. I truly thought she hated me and as hard as I tried to do a good job, I always felt like I wasn’t. When I left that job, she not only gave me a full paycheck when I only worked for half of the time, she gave me a letter of recommendation and told me if I ever moved back that I would always have a job. I was seriously confused. I truly thought she despised me and my work. I have had similar situations with friends. I would misjudge and think that they truly liked me when they did not and vice versa. It is a strange thing. Since I have such a poor track record I continue to question and doubt people.

It’s not a ruling force in my life any longer.

While in school and in my younger years I would spend a lot of time worrying and trying to figure out what was going on. I do not do this so much but I have my moments. I have had several encounters with people this week that have triggered these past thoughts. I decided to write about them to calm my mind. What I am thinking is that a large part of the problem is feeling out of control. I have no control over what is being thought about me and the worse part is I don’t know what is being thought about me. It is very important to me that people have an accurate perception but the problem with that is, everyone’s perception is based on their own ideas and thoughts.

I have no control.

Ahhh! I have no control. Freak out! Ok, I am back. I am noticing that I always tend to think that people think the worst of me. I do not know why. Possibly because I have dissected and picked apart all of the things that I have seen as flaws, in preparation of others pointing them out. If I am already on top of it then it will not be a surprise to me. In the last week or so I have really gotten freedom from those thoughts but they still linger. It is from years of being told or interpreting what people have said about me in negative ways. It may take some time but I do feel largely free from the self-destructive train of thought. Just last night I had a situation cleared up for me that had happened several months ago. I thought that I had done something wrong but through totally different circumstances, I found out it had nothing to do with me. The other person was the problem, what a relief. It also gave me another instance where I was right.

I really do not know how to trust myself.

I have spent so many years doubting and questioning myself that I do not know how to deal with all of these things that I have been right about. I get freaked out thinking that I am right about something, because what if this time I am wrong? It is a devastating moment for me to be wrong, even with small things. I know this is something that I need to work through. I know that it is ok to be wrong but that feeling is hard for me to deal with. I find myself in a catch-22 though, if I am right I don’t like being right. It makes me feel bad for being right about the things that I am right about,  but I hate being wrong so it is a relief when I discover that I am right. However, the things I am right about are not always good, they are the things that others choose to think are not happening. I see the things others do not want to deal with and they do not like me talking about it. Hmm… I have no real point I guess, I am just babbling to get it out.

I will just have to ponder some more.

Addition of thought. (Update)

After having this post swim around in my head, I just got some clarity about something. When I spoke of seeing blankness, the reason why is because I feel something when I look at people but their actions a lot of times are not relaying what I am feeling. There is a disconnect with the emotions that I am feeling and the actions/words that I am seeing/hearing.  It can be a very confusing moment for me and I automatically mistrust myself instead of going with the feelings that are being projected at me. “If you are upset than just say it!” I have said that numerous times, why mess around with body language and hemming and hawing around? Just say it and get it over with. I understand that a lot of people cannot do that but it is incredibly confusing to try to figure out what this world is up to. I do not say things to be mean, I am just trying to understand people and I cannot do that when they are telling me one thing and then acting differently than their words are portraying. 

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4 thoughts on “A Lot Of Pondering

  1. Alienhippy

    Hello lovely,
    We are so alike…. :)
    Someone once said something like this to me,
    “Lisa, the reason why you get so hurt is because you are nice and you believe that everyone else is like you. A lot of people are not nice and are only out to help themselves!”
    I didn’t want to believe her, and it hurt me to think this thought.
    I still struggle with it, beause I want to believe that every person has some good in them.
    Those like us Angel live with our heads in the clouds and wear out hearts on our sleeves, we do get hurt a lot.
    But we have chosen to allow God to soften our hearts so we see differently now. We don’t want to be how we used to be, where we shut the door on love and held back out of fear.
    Who you are is pretty clear to me…you are my friend and that is very special to me.
    Love you LOADS my friend.
    Lisa. xxx :)

  2. Aspergirl Maybe

    Oh, I can relate to so much of this as well, especially how restless and unsettled my thoughts have been lately.

    I have always felt so confused as to what people are thinking and especially what they think of me. One thing I will say about lying is that I probably lie (or keep silent) more than a lot of people because I have such a strong instinct to protect myself at all costs when I feel vulnerable – and I feel vulnerable a lot.

    I have to work very hard to say what I really think and not keep it hidden or pretend to go along with the group rather than risk rejection. I am getting to the point where I can do that much more easily and realize that if a friendship is going to have any value, it has to be based on truly knowing each other and not pretending. But that is scary and hard work!

  3. Angel Post author

    AM,

    I go through cycles of blurting out things and then keeping silent. I will stay silent if I feel someone will attack me or hurt me but also on certain days I have no filter of how someone will react to me so I say whatever comes to mind. I do know that on the days when I have so many things flooding my mind I tend to say whatever. I have always had a hard time keeping secrets. I got in trouble in school for telling on people, this was very confusing to me because they were doing things wrong and told me to stay quiet and I would tell the teacher what they did wrong, the other kids didn’t get in trouble I did! It was very confusing.

    It does hurt me to keep things hidden and I do not know why, I kind of wish I was able to at times. It would make my life easier! :-)

    I am glad that you are getting to a place to be able to share what you really think. It really helps to have people that you can feel safe with and share knowing that they will not reject you. After gaining that confidence it makes it easier to share with others, even if we do not know how they will respond. It is finding the ability to use our voice and know that it has value. I am really working on that one. It is very scary and hard work indeed!! :-)

  4. Angel Post author

    Hello Lisa!!

    You know I have had very similar things said to me as well. I always see people with good intentions and cannot fathom otherwise. That my friend is what gets us in trouble!! No matter how many times I have been hurt I still think people mean the best for me. I am learning that this is not true but I still like my happy world, I will keep it with caution. Least I get a hard heart. :-)

    Love you too!!

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