07/30/11

My Echo Theory

Ok, I am exploring some things in me that I have not allowed myself to do in a very long time. I actually cannot even remember when I have unleashed my thoughts and feelings about certain topics and interests. I have restrained many of my thoughts that brought me comfort as I was child and while living alone. I am reviving some, like numbers and writing out visuals, but another one that is a huge part of my interest is echoes. Yes, I have been fascinated with echoes for a very long time. I wrote about a small part of my experience with echoes on here somewhere, I can’t remember where. It was a strange moment. However, it brought to fruition this thought process I have about echoes.

I used to play in water all the time as a child, ok, I still do.

As a child though, I would wander all the time, I would get in trouble but I couldn’t help myself. I would find creeks, rocks, bugs, leaves, and many other kinds of things that would get me sidetracked. Where do the echoes come in? Well, this may sound very strange but here I go. An echo for me is a constant feeling, for me it feels like I am walking through many echoes at the same time but only living in one. I can see various story lines to my life and the echoes represent the choices that I can or do make. I do not see the outcome but I can see some of the choices before me. I can feel ripples in time that feel as if I cross over. I also see the echoes through nature, the constant wave that connects me to this world. It is strange indeed. I do not think that is psychotic, I think it is just how my brain processes things.

I have always had vivid and detailed dreams.

Some of these dreams feel like I have jumped into one of my echoes. I do not believe that I am in some other world, truly. It just feels that way. I have tried to describe the way that I see things and it is very foreign to others so I keep a lot of these things quiet. People think that I am crazy when I speak of these things. I am not, I believe it is the way my brain processes my sensory, my emotional and physical state. Some of my visuals that I see feel very real, I know that they are not but at the moment I feel them and see them so clearly that I am in that world.

It feels like I have leaped into an echo.

I am fascinated with echoes because the way that I envision an echo is transferred to sight, sound and physical sensation. I see like a fuzzy haze over everything that I have called my “bubble” in the past. I am not sure what it is but it looks like a bunch of tiny echoes and if I listen closely I can hear them. I have learned to turn off this visual and the sound otherwise I can get sucked into the thought of the echoes and wonder what they are.

Music looks like dancing echoes to me.

Music makes my echoes come alive and helps connect emotions or thoughts to what I cannot describe through my own words. It’s like I can hear the colors of music and they help me feel. I can see the living thing that is in the notes. I do this when I get sucked into numbers and also when searching for words. As I read the definition of echo, I just think yes. I then get intrigued by the concept of the Byzantine music theory, in turn gets me fixated on the Octoechos (simple term eight modes), I find my mind connecting numbers, music, poetry, and science all into one. I see why I have stopped myself from going into my “echo” mindset. It can be all-consuming. I get sucked into thinking about how all of us are living in echoes, our lives represent songs and poetry and then I want to research and find connections to all of my thoughts.

I find comfort in the echos.

The echoes represent some sort of order for me, they also represent that not all things have answers. When I think of my echoes they make me consider others, I am able to remember that I can think out side of the box. I am rippled into remembering that I do not have all the answers and I cannot. Even though the thought frightens me it still brings comfort because I know that I can just leave my questions and come back at another time if need be. I wish I could describe my echo theory properly but this is too complex visually for me to describe and it has different components that I am not sure will make sense to anyone else. Although, I am exploring my echoes. I am allowing myself to feel for the first time in a long time and part of that is feeling the undulate of my thoughts.

I feel like the lights have been turned on in me and I have no idea what I will find.

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07/28/11

Video Worth Watching

For about a year off and on (possibly longer, no sense of time here) I have watched videos from TheAnMish on YouTube. She has had some great things to say about the Aspie life and it has helped me a lot. I haven’t watched her for several months, I actually forgot how I found her in the first place and then lost the links that I had saved. I relate to her perspective on many levels so I find a lot of comfort in what she has to say. I found her again this morning while watching another video. In this video I really like how she is pointing out the positives about Aspergers. I needed a boost in that today. I was being kind of hard on my self not terribly bad but just feeling a mixture of emotions, it helped to watch this video.

Hopefully you will enjoy hearing some positives as well!

Positives about being an Aspie

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07/27/11

Clarity Of Mind

It has been about a couple of months now since my world has been turned upside down and flipped into a spiral. This is not a bad thing, a lot of good has come from everything. However, my process has been continually derailed due to David’s misunderstanding of my process. It is not entirely his fault, I am not the best at communicating information or feelings. He did not understand that when I say I do not know how I am feeling, I REALLY do not know. I cannot process information when I have a ton of questions or hypotheticals thrown at me. He processes like that and has felt that it would help me as well. It does not help me – it breaks my process and causes me to become incredibly confused. I then become unsure of my own thoughts because there are just too many things brought up. Though his process has helped me at times, it still needs to be my own process.

We discovered the main issue for him continuing to do this.

He has been fixated on one specific issue and has thought that the one issue is the reason for everything else. He has seen me upset, sad, no emotions at all, happy, silly you name it I have been all over the place. He associated all of my emotions on a sole issue and when I tried to explain that there were multiple issues going on he didn’t really accept that. Finally he understands what I have been saying. Many of the things he has told me to help in my process, he has later contradicted and changed which also caused me to derail and get confused by what I thought he said and what he meant. We have cleared this up and indeed I have had reasons to be completely confused. Having his own issues that he is working through causes him to have emotional responses and that has been a huge reason for my confusion.

After all of the confusion settled and I was able to think clearly, I was able to tell him.

There are major things that I am going through. It all started with a main event and that main event happened to open my eyes and reveal just how much I had lost myself. It wasn’t this event that caused all the problems – it was the event that exposed so many things that we did not see. About 10 years ago, I had things happen in my life and I started to really take charge of myself. I was gaining my voice and though I would get confused at times by people I was able to be strong enough in my opinions and ideas to where I was being myself quite a bit and feeling rather comfortable. I felt pretty comfortable and safe in my work place, I felt pretty safe in the church environment once I got to the right one, and I felt safe at home because it was mine. Even while I was married I had everything in my name. I had control. I determined my choices, once I realized that my ex and I had serious problems and also that he had caused me serious financial problems, I spoke up for myself. When I realized my church environment was not the healthiest for me, I left and found a positive church environment.

I was walking in my confidence, I also felt confident in things I felt were from God.

Somehow I lost that after meeting David. It was not his fault, I can systematically go back and see the events that caused me to start to shut down prior to us meeting. After we moved to another state I really lost any self confidence by the many social situations that I did not understand. The situations we were placed in were so foreign and confusing for me that I looked to David as my guide. I didn’t know how to respond to certain types of people and I didn’t understand at all the hidden dynamics going on in the groups we were in. I completely shut down when I became pregnant and the children became my life. It was easier to just look to David as my authority because I had so many other things going on with the kids and my body changing and also seeing things in Daniel that I didn’t understand. There was also a lot of family dynamics going on that confused me as well.

I was going through a lot and continued to do so all the way until now.

David has never wanted to be my guide and he was shocked to discover that I had done this, so was I. However, had I not had this event happen recently I am not sure if it really would have been discovered. I was reminded of who I really am in many ways and just how much of me I lost. David lost himself too trying to help me figure out what was “wrong” with me all these years. The main thing wrong was me adopting him as my identity. My anxiety makes a lot more sense now. Since I had spent so much time trying to be the “right” person I felt insecure and unable. It wasn’t me! Partly because I mirrored him he assumed that I would process the same way he does. What has happened is that David now understands my process, he understands what has caused me confusion with his questions and behavior, he sees that I have not been a complete mystery all of these years, I just haven’t felt the freedom to express or be myself.

Whether by my own perceptions or by others actions/words.

Now what? There are some serious issues that I am going through. The main one is realizing that for the past two years of me writing on this blog what I have been doing is trying to help myself accept myself. Some things take me a while to get but eventually I will get them. Here is what I have done to myself, I didn’t truly accept my autism. It wasn’t until this past week that I realized just how emotionally and socially underdeveloped I am at times. It can be very confusing because my intellect is quite normal, my reading people and situations can be spot on. But I may not fully understand what I know. I may not understand my emotions fully or how to process them. I can take a while to understand what I have said or done to another person and then I feel horrible.

It can be both frustrating and confusing to others as much as it is for me.

My plan, I am seeking a counselor and possibly a diagnosis to help me in the process, if I think that will be beneficial. I cannot talk to David about these things until I am able to walk through clearly. I have been in a bit of denial about my Aspergers. It was hard for me to realize that. I know why I have been, even though I felt such relief and have had so many questions answered. I still felt like I would be rejected if I walked in the Aspie part of me. Another major thing I am working through is my relationship with God. It has been completely dismantled over the past few years and it is evolving into something that is new. I am not sure where it is going or what it will manifest into but I think the process will take a while and it will be mine. Another main issue is that David likes to get things resolved quickly and be done.

I do not work like that.

I need to take time, I am slow and detailed. I know that I do have a tendency to rip the band-aide off and then I process, the beginning is not slow. My process goes through each thing, it usually involves me writing a lot. But like many of my posts, I write them without full understanding and then months later I realize what I was really trying to work through. When I feel the rush to “fix it” it sends me into a chaotic state and I cannot think.

I begin to spin.

Then I get derailed and just try to fix whatever as soon as possible because I feel like that must be the right way to do it. However, nothing gets resolved, I shut down and never process what I need to process. It has made me feel like I just can’t wait because everything needs be fixed now so in order to fix it I suppress it and ignore it. Then it manifests through anxiety, fear, or confusion among other things and people feel like I am the Tasmanian Devil tearing through their path. Out of all these discussions I think a lot of good has come. I am feeling better now knowing that David understands where I am coming from. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff and I really need that freedom to process and gain confidence in myself.

Who would have thought this summer would be so transforming??

Side Note: David does read my blog so he knows everything that I am sharing and he supports me being as open as I feel comfortable with others on my blog. I couldn’t let this go, that is all.

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07/25/11

Fear Of Rejection

There has been a lot of talking going on around here and I am exhausted. Overall though I have taken in a lot of stuff, processed some things and have gotten clarity in some areas. A big one is fear of rejection. I have been so fearful of people rejecting the real me that I have mastered mirroring people without even realizing it. I had hidden myself far away and would spend time trying to analyze and read people’s patterns to try to stay on top of their likes and dislikes. I believe I did this to be able to gain their acceptance or stay observant of how they would reject me so I could be prepared.

I can’t keep it up anymore.

I am not able to do this any longer, not with the revelation of the real me that has been hidden. I am discovering new things about myself and I know that it will continue for my lifetime. I have a lot packed into this brain of mine. However, I think it is important to document how I ended up losing so much of me in the first place, the root of that would be fear of rejection. I have accumulated this fear through a life time of feeling or being rejected. I say feeling because it was how I perceived things, they may not have actually been true. I based rejection on not making people happy. If they got angry with me, I hurt them, I annoyed them or whatever, I perceived all of that as rejection of me. The things that I was doing at the time or how I was behaving was what I documented as the rejection. I will add here that my looks were a part of that feeling of rejection as well because of being made fun of as a child.

I felt like I was just being myself but what I was doing was causing problems.

I then associated myself as being rejected. To protect myself I stopped being myself fully and year after year, perceived rejection after perceived rejection I hid away parts of me. The problem is that when I begin to feel comfortable or safe, the real me comes out and I forget to control it. I then would see people’s responses and feel rejected. The reason was that I did not understand what was happening socially. If someone laughed at me I would ask why they they were laughing because I did not understand if they were laughing at me or with me. I would automatically assume they were laughing at me. Why? Lack of social understanding, I believe. The same criteria applied when I made someone angry, sad, or upset in some way. I would assume it was something I had done but I would also assume that they didn’t want anything to do with me once I made them feel this way.

I have valid reasons for feeling that people will just leave.

It has happened to me quite often where people just leave or no longer have contact with me and I do not understand why. Maybe they made it clear but because I did not understand the cues, it was impossible for me to understand. In those cases I assumed the worst about myself. I never thought it was them. I always thought I did something wrong. Another piece to this rejection puzzle is that I would usually only do this when there was a person in my life. Like one friend or a boyfriend or while consumed in an unhealthy church crowd. I would look to them as authorities to social conventions and think that I had to be wrong because the group or my perceived authority knew better than me. When I was alone, I did not have this problem. I did not become confused until I had conflicting voices with my own inner voice.

Confusion causes me fear – it also makes me fearful of being rejected.

I feel that because every time I go against the multiples or the person of perceived authority, I get rejected. I feel like I have made them unhappy. One of the worst things I could do in my mind is to make someone unhappy. I know this is unrealistic but still my heart wants to see everyone happy. I truly do and it has been the base for a lot of my desicions to the point of my own suffering and denial of self and needs. This is a huge revelation for me, to step back and look at how I have taken on identities without realizing it to ensure others are ok. I don’t “need” them to feel like a whole person or anything, I just have a desire to want to make people happy. In certain relationships when I feel that I have reached all that I am capable of, I am then finished. I can no longer make them happy so I am not needed.

However, I am left sad because I feel like a failure and I lost more of myself in the process.

I can no longer try to make others happy, I see the process now. I realize that I can only make myself happy. I cannot be fearful of rejection and allow that to govern me. I know in the past I have relied on others to guide me because I felt like I didn’t understand enough or I had too many people influencing me and making me confused. I felt that my ability to read others is way too off to trust. It is a lie. I know I have written some of this before but I have had real epiphany about how I have allowed others emotions and words to influence who I am. I see with clarity how I have trusted my wrong thoughts and have become fearful. I trusted them because I felt I could not trust my own if others did not agree with me.

These thoughts were influenced by confusion from the people in my life.

An example of things that confuse me is like David telling me that I can read people well. He said I can usually read them straight to their core and they do not like it. I can see past a lot of the smoke screens. Then he will say that I am wrong about other things I say about a person but usually these are about people that he has some direct emotional tie to. He is being influenced by his own feelings and telling me that I am wrong. We all do this, I know, but it has caused me great confusion. It has happened multiple times in our relationship and it causes me to shutdown and submit. I explained this to him and he said “Why the hell do you listen to me?” He went on to ask me why I look to him as an authority.

These are very good questions…why have I done this?

He never told me to. I assumed that he knew better so I listened to him. It is because I lost myself by mirroring him. I have managed to become another person, one that I did not know and I can’t do it anymore. I mirrored him because I wanted him happy. The mirror has broken and I am left with seeing me – no wonder I haven’t liked mirrors, I didn’t know who it was in there! I didn’t even realize I was doing it, until recently. It has been made very clear because I have been being myself and he is like “Who are you and where did you come from?” I have had the tinge of fear of rejection from others online, with family and with David, just waiting or anticipating the ball to drop so I will not be surprised when it happens. Why? Who cares if people reject us? This type of fear has caused me to become friends with the wrong people, lose myself and feel inadequate.

It’s like a veil has been removed from my eyes.

I have talked about this before but never really got it. I understand that a lot of this is my feeling unable to read social cues and people, but now I am seeing that I am able to do that. If I don’t understand a social cue, who cares? I mean really, who cares? What is the worse thing that is going to happen? A person doesn’t like me? They say something mean? They try to make me feel foolish? What is that? They have no power over me or my life. Fear of rejection is a big farce. If someone rejects us, there is someone who will accept us fully and enjoy who we are so why bother on those who do not see our value? I got sucked into identities that were not me and that caused even more insecurity and fear. I have been afraid to be myself and that sounds so foolish.

David asked me what happened to the Angel that got buried?

Where is she? First of all, it wasn’t Angel that got buried, it was Angelique. It started with my name. People, including family, making fun of my name as early as I can remember. My mom and dad both thought is was a beautiful name and it was the only one they could agree on. I should think on that. Ripping open that small nugget has revealed many others that have caused my fear of rejection. Was it done in fun? Possibly they meant no harm and many others meant no harm but my lack of understanding caused me to feel rejected. It caused me to doubt and to continue to push my trustworthy voice down and look to those who I felt had more understanding. Doubt, confusion and fear of rejection – none of these are the real me.

Though I have gotten exhausted by a lot of the talking that David and I did, he had some great things to say by the end of it all.

One thing he said to me is, “Each part of you is talented, trustworthy and capable – the only person who does not believe that is you.” He told me not to listen to him and that I should not allow his voice to cause me confusion. He also said, “I don’t know you – I don’t know what the hell is going on in your head.” Wow! He is right, I am the only one who can make my decisions and know what is best for me. Why do I not trust myself and get confused by him or others? This is not me. I may have anxiety issues or get hit with a panic attack but I am not a fearful person truly. I have allowed the influences of others and my wrong perceptions to be a controlling force and cause fear. WHAT? I am deciding to at least knock this wall down.

I may have other issues but I will not allow this fear to rule my mind any longer.

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07/21/11

I’m Like Oobleck

According to David I am like oobleck, not the green goo from the Dr. Seuss book but the non-Newtonian fluid corn starch and water kind. The other day, after talking to me for quite a while that was the conclusion that he came to. He wasn’t being mean; I actually think that he described me accurately. He said (figuratively about my attitude) “if someone comes at you that you feel is like force, you harden up, but if someone just lets you be then you will flow.” It is true if someone comes at me and I feel like it is forceful extraction of information or assumptions or overly friendly or something, I shutdown. When I say forceful, I mean bombarding me with information or questions or physical affection. When I am looping and stimming, he has gotten frustrated or has an urge to help me.

Then the questions come and what feels like extracting information from me.

I feel like at times my answers are being prodded out of me and it causes me great confusion or complete shutdown. It is mainly when I feel like I have answered something sufficiently and clearly but the person will continue to ask in multiple ways or my answers cause another round of questions or ideas or presumptions. I just feel swarmed. Sometimes it is good for David to try to get me to talk because I do tend to close up into my own world when I am trying to understand my emotions or a situation. There needs to be a balance though. When I am emotionally vulnerable, I can get overwhelmed and feel a mix of emotions that I cannot discern what are mine and what belongs to another person. I have had several friends in the past week, aside from David, who are experiencing intense emotional and stressful situations and it has affected me.

I feel it.

I sense it and it is hard for me to sort them out from my own. I am feeling my things that I do not even understand. I then start writing whatever comes to mind. I get fixated on strange things, like trying to find something that I haven’t thought of in years. A song, a book, a show, or I become obsessed with looking at pictures, especially of space. When I am in this loop, but sometimes I get completely freaked out when looking at pictures of space, the reality of it all. Ahhh!

When I feel like I am forced to talk it seems to throw me into confusion.

It also causes me emotional stress; David is working hard at not doing this to me. However, when he sees me escaping into my world it worries him. He forgets that I have done this always to help me process. The other day, while we were talking, he told me that I had not behaved like this before, not this extreme. I reminded him of every major and small event we had experienced and how I responded. I shared with him each stim and ways that I processed during those times. After systematically going through them he was able to see the pattern and realized that this is what I do. I have to in order to process. Although, from his point of view this time looks completely different from my behavior in the past.

It does look a bit different this time.

I didn’t see it until he said that. In the past, I was very productive in organizing, gathering information, and then implementing it. I would focus on helping others or find some sort of way to be productive; it was never really in creative ways. I never allowed myself to truly tap into my writing or my emotions. I have had them locked up because they were too hard. It is too hard. I feel broken but I know that I need to feel broken to get back together. This time I am using a creative outlet, I am being very productive in writing, dancing and gathering music. I used to do this before David and I met. Now I need to find a balance.

This is new for me.

I am terrified with the feelings that I have, most of all my confusion. I do not know where to place it or how to get it to make sense. I do know this pattern though, I do this often. I go through great confusion, start to reorganize, and slowly put things back into place. The problem this time is that I am really facing things and I DON’T WANT TO! I want them to go back in their box. I want to be hard and unmovable. But not really, in the long run going through all of this will make me a better person. I have to go through this, embrace what I am feeling, understand what emotions are and accept them. I do think I need to look to a third-party though to help me talk through some things. I think I really need that to find some balance.

It always feels like it will never resolve.

I know that is not true. It usually gets resolved. Usually. I can calm my nerves a bit by recognizing that I am not the only one looping and getting fixated in the house. We are in a cycle where everyone seems to be stuck. Daniel is asking for toys that he had as an infant and arguing with me about them being gone. He thinks I have them hidden in the garage. He is asking questions non-stop. Ariel is doing things that she only does during this cycle, like walking the perimeter of the house, sliding her hands along the wall. She is sucking on her fingers and getting lost in stares. Joshua is fixated on Daniel and Ariel playing with him and if they do not he starts asking the same questions over and over. He has also shut down and not been able to use his words several times.

They are all fixated on certain toys, shows, and objects.

At least I am not the only one…right? Well I do realize that I need to find balance just like I try to help the kids have balance, this time it is very hard. Maybe it will be much better after this week. David took some time off the other day and I was able to go the beach all alone. I had real alone time, where I did not have to go to the store or run any errands. I was able to swim and play in the ocean all by myself, read my book, listen to music, take a billion pictures and just sit. I was hesitant about doing that, to be honest I had not done that really in about 7 years. I haven’t done anything by myself where I didn’t have a specific thing to do. I didn’t even realize this until David made me aware of the fact. Of course, it was after a complete crying meltdown. I have no idea why I was crying, I just felt broken.

I know it will pass, these are just emotions.

Emotions that I do not even understand or know what they are. I just feel overwhelmed. Immediately I started to analyze it all away. I find it so ridiculous for me to be like this and not understand why, completely. I know that is not right, I shouldn’t do that to myself but my mind just races trying to find answers for my behavior. I guess the next thing is for me to be alright with feeling things without answers. I find that very difficult. What I don’t find difficult is sitting here staring at my little objects that I have gathered and placed neatly lined in rows on my desk. Those are quite lovely. Peace out!

I don’t think I’ll stop being like oobleck though.

Side Note: I thought this had some very insightful articles. When Art Heals

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07/13/11

Clocks!

There are certain things that I really like and I would like to have a lot of. Some of those things are watches, I did used to collect them but when I left my retail jobs I no longer wanted to wear them. The kids now play with the ones that I kept. I did end up giving a lot of them away over the years though. Daniel seems to like watches too. Then there are the crosses, yes, if I could I would have one wall dedicated to various styles of crosses. I would also have a wall dedicated to clocks. However, they would have to be in a designated room where I would not have to look at them all the time because I would feel too crowded with all of them around me.

I like to look at all of these items.

I especially like looking at clocks. I do not know why but I find them fascinating. I even like looking at pictures of clocks. I can get sucked into looking at pictures of them and staring at details on them. The ones that keep me most interested are antique clocks or industrial style clocks. We used to have a cuckoo-cuckoo clock from Germany that I loved to watch as a child. My mom has a thing for grandfather clocks. If I could afford some clocks here are several billion that I would purchase.

Sometimes there are hidden meanings in clocks, that is all.

Play Prev|Next

10_aluminium_wall_clock

51OpKFjRaiL

51VXCOCKiXL._SL500_AA300_

500x500-Uttermost-Rusty-Movements-Metal-Wall-Clock

13261_arts-and-crafts-wall-clock

Fascinating

Simple, nice.

A-CLASSIC-WALL-CLOCK

Allentown+Wall+Clock

Antique-Wall-Clock-AWC

Antique-Wall-Clocks

antique-wall-clocks-95

blank-wall-clock1

Circuit-Board-Wall-Clock-

ClockDanuLLRFLT

clocks-group

cool-wall-clock-570x547

FABBCEAA

HAND_PAINTED_WALL_CLOCKS

II Clock

invotis-silver-wall-gear-clock

Louis-XVI-Wall-Clock-Gilded-French

Sweet!

Mechanical-Gear-Clock-31 This is a phone app. Shh!

metal_clock

Number_9_Wall_Clock

Oblong-Gear-Wall-Clock1

pl13615-wrought_iron_wall_clocks_with_acrylic_cover

I like this one a lot.

recycled-bike-chain-ring-wall-clock2

Blip.

Wall clock

I know he is not a wall clock but I like him.

Glass-Covered-Triangle-Gear-Clock

Entropy-Clock

Unique-Creative-And-Attractive-Round-Wall-Clock-Design-In-Yellow-Color-590x598

Number-6-wall-clock_48120

wall-clock-broken-numbers

Wall-Clocks

Wall-Clock-This-is-a-wonderful-art-antique-flavor

wall-clocks

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07/12/11

Slacker Me

I am tired of writing about my stuff so I am going to share some things we have been doing with school. Yes, I do school all year round pretty much, it helps keep us on a schedule but we do have light months. The lightest months of our school year is October through December because with the holidays all of us are just too overloaded and overwhelmed so we take it easy then. Last month was kind of lax but we did go on a lot of outings and had some pretty cool adventures to several different beaches, a state park, the museum, and then a birthday of course. It was a pretty packed month. I was feeling like a slacker but now that I think about it, we did accomplish quite a bit.

Ariel has been picking out subjects she would like and I have been going with it.

Her most recent is reptiles (specifically King Cobra’s) and weather. We have several books on both subjects and I decided to tie in the living/non-living theme in with the whole animal interest. I recently found this site that is free that I like using when I haven’t pulled together detailed assignments for the week. I went with some crafts as well with the whole animal theme and we talked about environments, foods they eat, how they are different and the same. They had some funny stuff to say during our conversations. We were discussing what is our food, Ariel informed everyone that our meat is “actually, real chickens and cows” Daniel then yelled out “We are bad guys to chickens, cows and fish!” Meaning we kill them to eat them. Nice. Funny thing is that Daniel has refused to eat meat since the age of three.

We have been working on story telling also.

My focus has been on story building and poetry with the kids. Ariel and Joshua come up with detailed elaborate stories with their toys. Ariel said the other night that she likes being in her room alone so she can play out her stories. She said “I need my alone time to do that.” Joshua does it anywhere and doesn’t notice how loud he gets or how much space he has taken over. He will take over the entire living room on throughout the whole house if I let him. I have to be pretty quick to confining his “stories” otherwise in a matter of seconds the house is covered. I am trying to have them connect their stories into written word. Daniel has started adding his ideas as well but it is new and right now he is venturing out by using the scripts he has learned from Ariel and Joshua.

I think it is great that Daniel will soon start making up his own stories.

The big thing is that he is trying to add things to their play, he isn’t just quietly following, he is really being active in the roles. He takes on the characters and that is huge. They have been continuing to paint, Ariel has geared toward abstract more. She used to be very particular about creating a certain image but she is stepping out with blocks of color or swirls and I think that is awesome. She draws all the time and has a ton of pictures around here of stories that she writes with pictures. We have been doing a lot of music and dancing too. There is other stuff but it is basically regular school, I will not bore you with the details. I am trying new craft materials that I wasn’t able to try before because of lack of interest or possible fixations. We haven’t done any food activities lately so foresee some of that coming up. Fun, fun, fun!! Here are a couple more links that we enjoy.

kidsastronomy.com

Khan Academy Daniel is addicted to Khan Academy videos. He has only gone through the arithmetic section so far, he hasn’t watched all of them yet.

I got some pictures of our activities.

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Joshua painting.

Ariel painting.

Daniel painting.

She read these on her own and has wanted to use them for school.

Her favorite picture.

She picked these out for school.

Books Ariel has been reading on her own.

Joshua's cobra

Daniel's cobra

Daniel painting the barn.

Ariel painting a fence.

They got all of these right.

Their farm.

Daniel told me he wrote his name like that on purpose. :-)

Ariel's cobra

Daniel's words

Ariel's words she doesn't like space in between words.

Joshua

Ariel drew out her sentences instead of writing them.

Ariel (hee hee green cow)

Ariel

Joshua's explosions

Daniel's squigglies

Ariel's abstract

Joshua (not sure)

Ariel's swirly art.

Their butterflies. (living) :-)

Swirly glass bead art. (non-living) :-)

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07/11/11

Family Photos

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty good after reliving some of my childhood happy times through music and experiencing the dances and silliness I did while I was younger. (ok, even now at times) After that though the day quickly went downhill and I ended up having to deal with someone misunderstanding me, which led to me feeling like I had done something wrong even though I had not. This is an area I am really working through and starting to make some really great progress, however, when someone derails me like that I have to recoup. I was able to do it a lot sooner than in the past so that is a positive.

I had plans for the day with mom and the kids so I didn’t have time to work through the situation.

While at my moms I received an email explaining to me why they had responded to me in such a way and though I understood I was still having to deal with trying to process the whole thing. As the kids and I were sitting at the kitchen table at my mom’s house, she came in with a big hat box full of pictures. I didn’t know why she pulled them out until later, the day before she had told Joshua all about the castles she visited while we lived in Germany. Joshua loves castles, so do I and so does my mom.

She has a ton of photos of Germany and other countries they visited while living there.

She has a billion postcards as well from every place my parents went. I was there too, but I only know this because I am in the pictures. As I looked at the pictures I was overwhelmed with an emotion that I was not sure how to describe. And this is part of the reason why I shared about earlier in my day. I am not sure because I was already thrown off with my emotions if looking through these pictures had caused a more intense response from me. There were several things that popped in my head as I went through all of these photos of my childhood that I have no memory of, I will list them as they came.

Who were these people in the pictures?
My parents looked so happy and free, they looked hip and cool, they were together.

Had I ever seen my parents together and happy?
I have no memory of my parents together as a couple, let alone happy.

What happened to all of the cool stuff that was in their apartment?
I remember some of that stuff, my mom kept some and my dad did and each place they lived in was decorated in awesome Gothic or mid-evil looking items from Germany and Europe.

What happened to my dad?
He was so happy and soft in these pictures. I have seen glimpses of him like that and I have experienced him being happy. I have witnessed and experienced him being soft, a gentle caring man but not the way I witnessed in some of these pictures. I want to know that man in the pictures and I think that I always have longed for that. I feel that about him, like I feel the real him but it seems like it gets pushed down any time it starts to come up.

What happened to all their awesome clothes because I totally want them?

Why did I feel so sad, lost, and blank when I looked at these pictures?

Then came the thoughts about me. The first question popped up because it looked like I had bruises on my face. So these questions I asked my mom out loud.

Are those bruises on my face?
They were bruises and there were several pictures with my face showing bruises or dried bloody wounds healing. My mom told me that I was constantly running into walls, doors, falling, slipping, and was so accident prone that at 2 1/2 yrs old she requested that the doctor check my eyes. She thought that I couldn’t see. The doctor said that I was too young so I continued to have accidents. My mom was accused of beating me or hurting me. That was not the first time in my life that my mom was accused of hurting me in some capacity. While she did spank my butt and freak out at times she never hurt me like that. They were going to call the authorities on her when I broke my arm. They did not believe I did it by doing a cart-wheel off of the couch. But it is true that is how I broke it and what saved my mom was that I was at the babysitters when I did it.

Did I always have that blank face, not really blank, I don’t know?
Apparently, I seemed to be staring a lot or fixated on things with great intensity. I had not noticed these things about pictures of me before, I don’t even remember many of these pictures. Interesting. When I asked my mom about me during this time she said that I had always been very independent. I refused to let her feed me as young as she can remember but I would freak out when I had food on my hands or face. She would have to lay a sheet down on the floor and let me feed myself. I also refused to let her dress me. Or help me with anything. I asked her if she thought of me as a little adult because of how serious I always seemed and how independent I was, she thought that was most likely so. She said that I spoke like an adult also.

Then there were the many photos of me running around naked.

This is a family joke about me because I was quite the exhibitionist. There is one particular story about me as a child at the lake in Germany. I would frequently go to the middle of the lake and take my swimsuit off. I would start on the sand and my mom would put it back on but I got smart and took the inflatable boat to the middle and would toss it before my mom or dad could rescue it. I would swim and play in my happy nakedness. I would like to say those were the only times I did that but no, my escapades were not limited to our lake days in Germany. When we moved back to the states I was throwing my clothes off whenever possible and shoes and socks. I have no idea when I stopped, if I stopped. I am very particular with my clothes, they have to feel and fit a certain way or else I am cranky or will rip them off. I had a lot of questions about me and my behaviors answered but I also felt very disconnected and as if I was missing large chunks out of my life.

I am still processing all of it.

As I went through more photos I was amazed at the way people look now compared to then. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother be free and so jovial in her pictures when she and her girlfriend moved to St. Louis, MO, the big city. She was from a very small town in MO. Then seeing her through the years it seemed things were lost. She is a joy to be around, she seems so young and innocent sometimes and I love that about her. She is always a little girl but not in a bad way, it is just her joy, like a child. I saw the pictures of my other grandma and I was sad because we no longer have a relationship. She is locked up in her house, she is a hoarder and she seems to have severe social anxiety. She will not even visit or leave her home to see her children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. She won’t even open her door to her children, this was a woman who knew everyone in town. She used to be so social and entertaining.

My aunts and uncles all seem so different.

The life that was once in them just doesn’t seem the same. I am not sure how to explain it or how I feel about it but I felt as if I don’t want to lose it. Whatever “it” is I don’t want it to disappear from my photos as I get older or from me as a person as I grow older. I want to keep it. I may sound crazy but that is the only way I can explain it. I don’t want to lose my memories or joy or life that lives in me. I am at a point in my life where I feel like a lot of my life was gone for a while and now that I have the chance to see it, I have to keep it. It is a bit overwhelming to look at pictures of my life as a child and see this whole world that was a part of me that I do not know. I do enjoy looking at them, though I do not remember, I feel happy about those times.

I know I am all over the place with this post.

I am writing my thoughts about something I don’t truly understand but I feel that I need to in order to help me gain understating. I decided to scan all of these pictures so I will not lose them and so my kids can see this part of my life and their grandparents life as well. I am going to share several of these pictures of me and my parents and a few of my grandmother’s. I did not put any up of the castles or anything that may be another post. I started to smile a lot the older I got, I noticed that. These pictures make me smile even though I have other emotions brewing as well. Hopefully, you will enjoy them too. Trying out another new slideshow plugin.

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Overloaded?? Shutdown?

Giggles

Tired?

I liked to suck on bottle nipples. :-/

I talked to that nutcracker in the background all the time.

Me and Mom

My first cat, I love this picture.

What is on my head?

This was my favorite dress, I wore it all the time.

Showing off my moves!

Recital day!

Me and Mom, I look pretty happy.

Woot! Pac-Man too!

E.T. Christmas! I remember this one.

I think this was going to be their album cover.

Hipsters!

My favorite pic of my mom and dad.

My dad happy. I love this picture.

"Mummy Mommy" My dad made her do this. :-)

??? My parents loved to dress up for Halloween.

Cool Dad

Dad

Mom as Alice Cooper and Dad as a werewolf.

My Dad or is this Sawyer from Lost?

My mom is still a goof.

Hipster Daddy

Me and Mom

Grandma G. (dad's mom)

Grandma A. (mom's mom)

Grandma A. (mom's mom) playing her guitar.

My grandma, Papa, mom and her brother.

Grandma A. (mom's mom)

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07/9/11

Flashbacks: Childhood Silliness

This morning something triggered some of my childhood memories about how I used to cope and escape into my own world. I think I have talked about it before but I can’t remember, I used to listen to music all the time. I had a portable record player that I brought with me wherever I could locate a plug. I would carry as many 45s as I could. My mom had a huge album collection, she still has at least half of it and she had a huge 45 collection. Many of them are still at my grandma’s house. Whenever I was alone at any of my family’s house you could guarantee that I snuck into the music collection and had it playing as loud as possibly while singing and dancing.

My grandparents had an awesome stereo, something like the picture but bigger and fancier.

Somehow when I was about 10, I ended up with my mom’s stereo like this in my room. I got to keep her collection and my collection of albums and tapes in my room and I always had music on. I spent hours, literally hours playing all kinds of music, singing, and creating dance routines.

I would move furniture out of the way and have an entire dance floor in the living room.

I would have to watch the time to make sure I had put all of the furniture back and my piles of changed clothes put back in the closet before anyone got home. If my mom would have seen that, OH BOY! My mom had some pretty awesome clothes and shoes so I would dress up in hers and pretend I was Diana Ross AND The Supremes, yes I sang all parts. As I got older I had my own strange mix of clothing so I would pull together some pretty rockin’ outfits for my stage presence.

I have always loved boots.

I remember one Christmas, I was 8 years old, I saw a pair of burgundy knee high boots. I begged for them, I said that was all I wanted if I could get those boots I would be happy. I got the boots and have continued to have a boot fetish. Why do I tell you this? Because, a lot of my “stage appearances” in my living room or in our family room in the back of the house had me with the vacuum cleaner as my microphone, some cool shades perhaps, an awesome outfit and some even more awesome BOOTS! I did wear boots and made up dances to “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’”. My mom likes Nancy Sinatra and had two of her albums. She has a very eclectic taste in music. We are not limited to any sort of style and have never been.

When I was younger and it was just me and my mom, we used to listen to music and dance all the time.

When MTV came along it opened up a new world to me and added visuals to my songs. It was great, sometimes when they would play a whole mix of different music. I remember the night MTV aired, I was with my aunts, they were babysitting and we all gathered around the tv while the little kid slept. There was my two aunts and my step-aunt and me, we were so excited and squealed when the video came on. We actually woke up the little kid and had to get him back to sleep, well my aunts did. I was younger and didn’t have to worry about it. OMG! I just realized that I was 8 yrs. old, my oldest aunt was 13 yrs old. The thought of my guys being up watching MTV in a few years is kind of….strange. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I really didn’t have a true understanding of what MTV was at the time though.

It was exciting and we ended up getting it when I was much older and we were able to afford cable. I digress, as I have been thinking of all of these floods of memories they make me smile. I never felt lonely with my music and I was quite entertained with myself being so silly. I can laugh at myself and I do often. I have a habit of mimicking people when they dance. Whether they are good or bad, I can pick up the dance usually and I just do it. I do this with people’s walks also. I have a load of fun being a complete goofball doing extreme Hip Hop moves with a silly face. I used to mimic the girls on MTV videos because it was so funny watching them act seductive but it seemed contrived. I know, I know that’s not nice but it was funny. Ok, it is funny and I still do this sometimes. I can’t help it!

I make myself laugh doing those things.

I also make myself laugh if I try to sing seriously. I will end up making it into an operatic voice or sing like the old gospel singers and for some reason I think that it is funny. As I have been writing this I have had several songs pop into my head that I would be goofy to, or made up dances for, or acted out whole scenes to the point of setting up a little cafe to these songs “Hey Jude” and “Let It Be”. For some reason I had pictured these in a French cafe and I was a dancer in the cafe. Silly. I also would listen to Hank Williams, Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton and pretend I was on Hee Haw! I am a goof! My grandparents had to watch that show every Sunday night before The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. I usually played while waiting for Fantasy Island, I liked that show.

My mom was obsessed with The Monkees as a girl and she had all of their albums.

The Monkees, Herman Hermits, and the Grassroots reunion tour was actually my first concert I went to (out of the womb), I was 11 or 12 I believe. There were many other musical influences in the house such as Fats Domino, Bing Crosby, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and many other “oldies or classics”. Then there was the other array of music like ABBA, Meatloaf, The Who, Grand Funk Railroad, Cream, Cher onto different music like Culture Club, Huey Lewis and the News and others that I let trail off because I started adopting my own style of music and went into more heavy metal and new wave music. I recorded hours of Head Bangers Ball and 120 Minutes on MTV. I was usually up most of the night anyway and spent my time watching these, listening to music or reading. During my teenage years my mom had a boyfriend who lived with us, after her divorce, he had a monstrous stereo system with a cd player!

He also had so many cds I can’t even remember how many.

He had two sides of the entertainment center full of them. There were three rows going horizontal, I can’t even remember how many shelves going down but it was a lot. I loved it when I was able to have the house to myself with his collection of music. It was awesome! He had a whole eclectic mess of music too. I memorized many of the albums that I listened to and even now when I listen to songs, I will remember the words and it brings back such happy times. When I found new music I would read all of the lyrics and listen to it over and over again if I really liked it. I still do this. I really felt at peace being silly with myself and pretending that I was on stage being various artists. It was great to feel and see the music and just be free to enjoy and laugh at myself when I discovered things like “Secret Asian Man” was actually Secret Agent Man. Or when I would try to do a flip or spin and would fall over my feet. I could laugh at my silliness and get up and try again.

Anyway here are some of the songs that I played as a youngster. (I know I have a lot of links, I tried to stop myself.)

1910 Fruitgum Co. “Goody Goody Gumdrops” Watch the tambourine guy! Oh, yeah I am SO doing that dance.

Hank Williams “Hey Good Lookin’” This was one of the songs my mom and I would be silly together with all the time. We would sing it out and about in stores or just riding in the car. It made us laugh.

Fats Domino “Blueberry Hill” This is another one of our songs we shared and we would do a dance called The Stroll to it. She taught me a lot of dances from the 50′s and 60′s.

The Supremes “Someday We’ll Be Together” I still remember my hand motions and facial expressions as I sang this song into my microphone. (vacuum)

Meatloaf “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth” Yes, I have a dance to this too but I liked to sing it more often than dance all over the place.

Jesus Christ Superstar “Everything’s Alright” I would sing this song when I felt nervous or scared when out and about. I would actually play this entire album and act out the whole thing.

ABBA “Dancing Queen” My mom and I danced to this all the time too. She loved ABBA, I dig them, I admit.

Those are only a few, I have to stop myself because I have a lot more that I want to put up here!!

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07/8/11

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Yesterday we were supposed to take my mom to drop her car off to be fixed. Against her better judgement she did not call to see if they were open. They were closed, on a Thursday…odd…and previously they had told her not to bother to call, “just hop on by”. We got back home and my mom was in a panic. Her plan had been derailed, she was freaking out about her car, the noise was too much for her and it was causing her major sensory overload. I was ready for her just to leave because she couldn’t calm down and it seemed at that point the best thing for her was to go home, but Daniel grabbed her hand and told her that she had to come inside.

My mom just wanted to go home, she was very upset.

Daniel with his charm, pulled her into the house and sat her down on the couch. He sat with her, holding her hand. My mom was still panicky and having anxiety, I just talked to her and told her how we could do it tomorrow, and that everything would be fine. And slowly you could see her become calm. Daniel still holding her hand, smiling at her, talking to her a little bit about his glitter globe and looking at her. I have to share at this point that prior to my mom’s arrival, Daniel had been in a full-blown meltdown and wrestling me because his headphones would not work in his computer and he didn’t understand my many futile attempts to fix it. It is still not fixed. I guess the drive helped a bit and then when we got home he could tell that Grammy was very upset.

There were other factors that led to my mom’s moment.

She felt bad for feeling as if she had wasted my time and gas. She had not eaten or taken her scheduled nap that she normally takes and she was all geared up to get her car fixed. All of these factors caused her anxiety and Daniel felt it. He then took her into one of the bedrooms to play with his toys and continued to try to comfort her, at one point he even rubbed her back. Since she had not eaten I got her some food and water to help her calm and Daniel came and sat with us at the table. He ate the same thing as her and told her that he was eating it too. While we sat there he would look at her and smile and then go about his business. When he felt that she was calm he got up and left and that was that. He used several of his own coping mechanisms to try to help her.

I had not noticed Daniel displaying this type of behavior before.

BUT the thing is I hadn’t been looking either. I have no idea how many times Daniel has felt empathy and tried to bring comfort to others. His ways are different at times, though yesterday he showed some pretty telling sympathetic behaviors. I wonder what other ways he has tried to show us that he is feeling us. I know that for me I do things, like send silly pictures or start acting goofy with people when I feel something. I will give a small gift or just sit with someone. I don’t have the right words most times unless I can write them out and I don’t do hugs well, but I can listen. I am a good listener and observer of needs. So another way that I show empathy is by paying attention to what makes people happy, such as a book, a song, a poem, or just tell them that I am thinking of them. I used to give things that I liked, at times I still do (I forget) thinking that they would enjoy it as much as me.

Daniel reminded me that I tend to compartmentalize ideals about certain things.

I guess empathy would be one that I have had a script for that I didn’t realize or I tend to only remember my failed attempts at it. I do have successful times as well. Later in the evening Daniel was reading a book and he came up to me asking questions like ‘What is she feeling?” and “Is he sad or mad?” Something happened yesterday when he felt my mom’s emotions and was able to comfort her because he has been asking me all day about what people are feeling and why. It made me realize that my many questions that I ask are from the heart of trying to have empathy. Elaina left this comment on my last post where I referred to myself saying that I didn’t ask questions because of empathy “I have spent time trying to understand and it has come from a place of empathy. I know you said it didn’t for you but, I wonder if you thought it some more you might realize it did? Idk I don’t want to presume but, I think the desire to understand where others are coming from is empathetic.”

After thinking about it more and watching Daniel, I believe it is true.

I will feel a persons emotions but will not know how to comfort them or show empathy the way they need so I start to ask questions. I have learned that what helps me does not help others. Many times my efforts have not been received well because the person felt I was being insensitive. A prime example was when my sister was getting married and I was unable to go to the wedding, I did not call her because I felt I would be intrusive and I knew that she had a lot going on. I did not want to bother her with a phone call while she was trying to get prepared for her big day. I later discovered that she wanted to hear my voice, she wanted to hear that I cared and that I was sorry that I was unable to make it. I didn’t understand why she was upset with me and hurt.

I now understand why she was upset.

But I only discovered that because I asked her. She was acting funny over email and saying odd things on Facebook, I didn’t understand her behavior so I asked her if she was angry with me. We talked it out and I apologized for not contacting her. That was an example of me imagining myself in her situation and for me I would not want a phone call. I would have been upset had she called me when I was under such stress. I have learned over the years to ask questions when I do not understand how to empathize or to comfort. I find it interesting that Daniel is connecting that way as well. Again I have learned a lesson. I need to remember my ways of showing empathy and understand that they are not wrong.

And also stay attune to others around me and their way of needing/expressing empathy.

It is also a bit interesting to me that this has come up when there are several posts that I have seen about autism and empathy but I have not had the chance to read them. I am looking forward to see what others have to say on the topic. And hopefully gaining more understanding and perspective with all of this. I am really happy to have witnessed and paid attention to how Daniel knew how to respond to my mother. I was ready for her just to go home. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean I really could not help her and thought the best thing for her was to go home. Daniel knew what she needed and I think I should keep in mind what he did for her because possibly that is how he wants to be comforted many times.

Funny thing is I can totally relate, sometimes the best way to comfort me is to just sit with me.

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Monthly Archives: July 2011

My Echo Theory

Video Worth Watching

Fear Of Rejection

Clocks!

Slacker Me

Family Photos

Flashbacks: Childhood Silliness

Daniel, Me & Empathy

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