This week my mother has been off work so we have been able to go to the beach often. It has been a wonderful beach week. In the past going to the beach has been a bit of a rough situation. Daniel used to have no awareness whatsoever when it came to the ocean. He would venture off if I was not right next to him at all times. While on the sand he would venture off to places where dangerous creatures inhabit or he would just plop down anywhere and start throwing sand at innocent bystanders, including all of us! He would run up and down the beach as fast as he could and I got some serious workouts trying to keep up with him. In the past year it has gotten a lot better going to the beach. Last summer I was able to go quite a few times by myself with the kids and we had fun.
I was still on guard though.
I have not been able to go places and just enjoy myself. I have had to keep target eyes on all of my wandering children but Daniel especially. Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to just wander myself. David actually went with us which is unusual, but he felt that he needed to spend time with the kids. They were very happy about that and I was happy because my mom and David watched the kids for me while I got to do my thing. I was able to walk in the sand, gather shells and go off in my own world exploring their shapes, colors, textures and sizes. I was able to enjoy the sky and take pictures without having to hurry up and get back to the kids. I could stare at trees and get sucked in a bit.
I was able to find a peace that I have not had in a very long time.
In the past few weeks a lot of things have been realized for me. One thing is how I thought that I was ok. I thought I was getting enough time to think through my thoughts or stim. It became very clear that I have not had a break since the kids have been born. I had no help when they were first-born, David tried to help as much as he could, but he still had to work. It wasn’t until about two years ago that David was even able to be alone with the kids for several hours. It was too much for him. If I went to the store or out for tea with my friend, I was worrying the entire time. Then when I came home he would download all of the problems of the night. This made it worse for me; I had guilt and felt like I was the only one who could handle everything going on.
Since we have moved here, my mom has helped in many ways.
Still my mom is an Aspie that very much lives in solitude. She is a great Grammy don’t get me wrong, but it has to be on her terms and time frame. I have been thinking a lot lately about how fuzzy my brain feels. I have seemed to hit a wall in my coping mechanisms. I have realized that instead of actually dealing with my loops, I silenced them with information consumption that would cause me to get sidetracked and stop the loops. It never actually addressed the cause for the loops. I haven’t been able to deal with anything because I am always listening to everyone else and helping them. Also because I have overwhelmed so many people with my thoughts or feelings that I kept quiet. All the times that David and I have talked through things, I have had moments of revelation but then it would turn to helping David with his stuff. We both had this realization this week.
He is an “ideas” person so he just downloads all of kinds of ideas on me.
He will overwhelm me, he knows this but he can’t seem to stop himself. I cannot deal with a whole bunch of ideas with no resolution. My mind goes into a desperate need to find answers for the ideas, David finds answers in the ideas themselves. I take it all in and shutdown. I feel bombarded and like I need to help him get his balance back. When he gets thrown like that he cannot work or function so I have to get him to be ok. My mom downloads on me as well. I am not complaining about any of this, it is fine as long as I get my time as well. What all of us are seeing is that I am not. I have not. I am here for the kids, I am here for David and I am here for my mom but I have not been heard. I have not been able to function properly and I have a lot of stuff bottled up in me.
I have forgotten so much of me that I feel happy and sad at the same time.
I have this visual, I have described my mind as having just rows and rows of file cabinets, and each one is full of file folders. All of the file folders are categorized and labeled accordingly. Here is what has happened, all of my file cabinets have been opened, thrown all around and each file folder has been tossed about and scrambled everywhere. It is like someone went in and just started tossing everything everywhere and I get overwhelmed by the mess. I start to pick up a file folder with a label only to discover that it has papers and information that belong in another file clear on the other side of my brain. Does any of this make sense?
Anyway, while at the beach I found such peace in my mind.
I enjoyed being consumed by the details of the shells and the feel of the sand. The sand was perfect because it was dry and flaky and did not stick to me. I hate it when sand sticks to me. The clouds brought me comfort and the water soothed my ears. I want to find that in my mind often. I am slowly putting things back where they belong this time around. In the past I have rushed to get things back so that I would not feel the chaos and confusion. I needed to get my issues back in their folders so that I could be there for others. I think this time around I would like to deal with it head on instead of running. I think I would like to truly discover who I am and where I have conformed without my knowledge. I am pretty excited about this realization and where it will take me.
In the mean time I will find some peace in my shells, trees and sky.