I am feeling a bit vulnerable, scared and excited all at the same time. There is a lot of stuff flying about around here. Some painful things, some happy things, some tearful things, and some things we never wanted to face. It’s hard but you got to do what you got to do. There is something that I do know about life and that is no matter how hard or impossible it seems, it always works out. It may not be the way we had imagined or hoped but things settle and they fall into place and you learn to live with the change. Another thing is that after all of the settling has happened, you discover just how strong and capable you truly are.
I think it is in preparation for the next round or complete disruption.
While going through my changes, I have gone back through my writings. I didn’t realize that I had stories, poems, and thoughts all tucked away in files hidden on my computer. I had forgotten them. It is easy to forget them in my journals, those are hidden away in boxes in the garage. But folders on my desktop are always looking at me and I tried to pretend that they were not there. I forced myself to forget. In 2009 I really started having a lot of pain in my hand while writing so I started typing away. It is much faster and definitely easier to read. My hand writing is horrible, it is a mix of cursive, printing, symbol like things and curlys or something. I cannot read it half the time. As I have been going through all of these writings it occurred to me that I like to write stories and random thoughts that are just that, random thoughts.
I see characters in a situation and I write it.
It could be some form of emotional feeling for me but I have noticed that many times I capture the feeling of others in these writings. I watch a person sitting alone in a store and try to capture that emotion. It could be a wrong emotion but who cares it is a story! I see stories as I go out and I have noticed that I have forced myself to stop the stories. I have tried to control my random thoughts as to not scare anyone. I believe it is because they misinterpret my story telling. When someone tells me how they are feeling I tend to create a character and start to develop some sort of story. I believe this is my way of trying to have empathy to a situation I may have no relation to. When it is a family member or someone close to me it can get distorted because I am not entirely sure how to read emotions regarding me. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I tend to come up with some pretty grand stories with family.
But I have not been able to share them because they take it personally or try to read into what I am saying. It is just a story. Just like some of my poems are just poems. Possibly they have a hint of my feelings that I am able to capture but mostly I just see a story playing in my mind, I have a feeling that I am trying to capture in the moment because I find it fascinating and I write. So here is what I have done, I started another blog that is giving me the freedom to write my various stories and random thoughts. I just want to get them out there, like I have said before I am tired of hiding. My other blog is called Unpegging Retro because I am unpegging myself. It holds a lot of personal significance in the title for me, it represents being set free from an image that others placed on me. It also represents setting myself free from the ideal peg I always thought I would someday achieve if I just tried hard enough. I do have to confess that I stole it from a friend, Shhh! Well hopefully they won’t mind.
Who knows what I am doing, I am just going with my flow.