Monthly Archives: June 2011

06/27/11

Unpegging Retro

I am feeling a bit vulnerable, scared and excited all at the same time. There is a lot of stuff flying about around here. Some painful things, some happy things, some tearful things, and some things we never wanted to face. It’s hard but you got to do what you got to do. There is something that I do know about life and that is no matter how hard or impossible it seems, it always works out. It may not be the way we had imagined or hoped but things settle and they fall into place and you learn to live with the change. Another thing is that after all of the settling has happened, you discover just how strong and capable you truly are.

I think it is in preparation for the next round or complete disruption.

While going through my changes, I have gone back through my writings. I didn’t realize that I had stories, poems, and thoughts all tucked away in files hidden on my computer. I had forgotten them. It is easy to forget them in my journals, those are hidden away in boxes in the garage. But folders on my desktop are always looking at me and I tried to pretend that they were not there. I forced myself to forget. In 2009 I really started having a lot of pain in my hand while writing so I started typing away. It is much faster and definitely easier to read. My hand writing is horrible, it is a mix of cursive, printing, symbol like things and curlys or something. I cannot read it half the time. As I have been going through all of these writings it occurred to me that I like to write stories and random thoughts that are just that, random thoughts.

I see characters in a situation and I write it.

It could be some form of emotional feeling for me but I have noticed that many times I capture the feeling of others in these writings. I watch a person sitting alone in a store and try to capture that emotion. It could be a wrong emotion but who cares it is a story! I see stories as I go out and I have noticed that I have forced myself to stop the stories. I have tried to control my random thoughts as to not scare anyone. I believe it is because they misinterpret my story telling. When someone tells me how they are feeling I tend to create a character and start to develop some sort of story. I believe this is my way of trying to have empathy to a situation I may have no relation to. When it is a family member or someone close to me it can get distorted because I am not entirely sure how to read emotions regarding me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I tend to come up with some pretty grand stories with family.

But I have not been able to share them because they take it personally or try to read into what I am saying. It is just a story. Just like some of my poems are just poems. Possibly they have a hint of my feelings that I am able to capture but mostly I just see a story playing in my mind, I have a feeling that I am trying to capture in the moment because I find it fascinating and I write. So here is what I have done, I started another blog that is giving me the freedom to write my various stories and random thoughts. I just want to get them out there, like I have said before I am tired of hiding. My other blog is called Unpegging Retro because I am unpegging myself. It holds a lot of personal significance in the title for me, it represents being set free from an image that others placed on me. It also represents setting myself free from the ideal peg I always thought I would someday achieve if I just tried hard enough. I do have to confess that I stole it from a friend, Shhh! Well hopefully they won’t mind.

Who knows what I am doing, I am just going with my flow. :-)


 


 

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06/24/11

Cookies & Clouds

Today I am on a floating cloud of peacefulness. I am just riding this cloud, this whole week I have been taking pictures of clouds. The sky makes me happy. I love all the different paintings that are stroked across the ginormous canvas. You know, I will have pictures – I can’t help myself. :-) This morning Ariel was looking at the clouds and shared with me her thoughts, it sounded like a great poem to me so I will share it. I have been having some magical moments with each child this week as well. What makes them even more special is when they are having a rough week and then we get nuggets of great expressions and fun with them.

All three of them have been having a hard time.

We have not been able to go out because it has been too hot, so we are all feeling the need to get out and do things. We are feeling kind of closed in and when that happens, kids get on each others nerves. :-) But like yesterday morning, those frustrating moments get erased. Daniel and I were laying in bed and he looked at me and smiled and spoke in his gibberish language. He has spoken in a language that we do not understand for as long as I can remember. The funny thing is that I have too since a child but yesterday, I spoke back in my gibberish. He laughed so hard and so did I so we had a gibberish conversation for about 10 minutes and we laughed so hard. When he was done he smiled and said ‘Ok, can we get up now?” Lol!

How do I have a special moment with Joshua?

Food of course! It trumps Lego’s even. Since he was not getting along well with Ariel yesterday I decided that Ariel and I could make some cookies while the boys played. Joshua was so excited because it is a real treat to have cookies, but to have one for a snack just exploded his mind. (I normally only let them have a treat after dinner if we have something.) He ate his cookie, came running in and hugged me and said, “That was the best cookie ever!” It wasn’t just a quick hug, it was one of those like I had filled some void in his heart hug. But then he had to run off and save Batman from Joker. It was a great moment though and apparently I finally created the perfect gluten-free choco-chip cookie recipe. A mixture of about three different ones in my head that I mixed up. :-)

I think I am done writing for now, I just feel happy and think that Ariel’s poem is a perfect ending.

God’s Cotton Balls

God is putting cotton balls in the sky,
they are all joining together.

He puts dark ones up there,
to make them storm clouds.

He puts none clouds in the sky,
He takes his arm and goes swish.

He has different kinds of shaped cotton balls,
to make the shapes in the sky.

He makes circles and hexagons.

 

[Gallery not found]

 


 

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06/23/11

Unattainable Beauty

Many of my thoughts have been wrapped around the inadequacy thing for a very long time for me. I did not realize just how deep-rooted these feelings were or even what they were. As my mind has been pondering, looping, examining, information has been slowly falling into place for this partial feeling I have of deficiency and self-doubt. I see clearly how people’s inconsistent actions with words have caused me to be confused and doubt.

I also see where I have taken words and interpreted them in a negative way.

I have discussed in past blogs about relationships, some of them being abusive, those words/voices stuck to me and molded a self-image that I had not realized. They analyzed my outward features, thinking process and my personality. Possibly they did not mean to say some of the harmful words with the intentions of hurting me but it was how my brain interpreted it.

It really goes far back into my childhood.

I was made fun of often, I was bullied and I was picked apart for my behavior, personality and outward appearance. My mom was not the best at how she expressed herself so her words were very damaging to me at times, it didn’t help that she rarely told me that she loved me or gave any physical contact. Plus she did not understand me, I was very active, aggressive, but also very happy. All of my interests were my interests and she had no desire to engage with them. She still kind of does this but she is more understanding and engaging now.

My dad did not pay attention to me unless I engaged his special interest.

Of course, I had no problem because music was my love. It was my escape all throughout my childhood. It brought me joy, connection to emotions and it gave me freedom. I had that stolen from me for a while but I am getting it back. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional yesterday and why I felt so inadequate. I understood after sleeping on it.  I will have to show you and describe it.

I watched this awesome video yesterday Regina Spektor-Us.

If you are able please watch the video before proceeding, then watch it again after you read the paragraph. As I first heard the music start my mind went racing into flows of waves, then I felt the whimsy, then I was consumed by her voice and then I was enamored by her beauty. It was all of it, the flows like a funnel in my mind, she expressed perfection to me. It was the connection between song, instrument, voice, her beauty and her freedom. I got consumed by my lack of all of that. I saw the expression of God and that seems so unattainable to me at times.

I was overwhelmed with the flashes of my life.

The world that I have been consumed in had stolen my perfection. The perfection of the wholeness of who God created me to be. I felt as though I was just filthy in the presence of perfection at that moment. I could never have it or be able to give it away. I understood that this feeling has been instilled in me since I was young. The expectations or ideals of me were a shadow of who I was and it made me feel dirty. I felt false constantly trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be.

I was very confused though.

The people in my life would tell me that they wanted me to have that freedom, but when I expressed it I was analyzed. I was misunderstood; I was told that I wasn’t supposed to do it that way. However, no one gave the directions for how I was supposed to do it. There are the other factors that I hate talking about, my father. I love him very much and he is great in many ways, but he can be damaging as well.

My dad would see this perfection that I am talking about and would covet it.

He desired to have that perfection and keep it wrapped up and hidden all to him. He would tell everyone how great it was if he saw it in a woman and then through his words make every woman or daughter in his life feel as if they would never measure up. The only way to be good enough is to have the exact formula and that formula is music, voice, instrument and beauty. That is a tainted perfection and it is an unattainable beauty for all.

It is unfortunate that all other gifts and beauty get wasted for the seeking of the unattainable ones.

The reason why I was so moved by the video is because I did see glimpses of me, my freedom and whimsy that had been stolen. I felt like I stopped using my voice because I interpreted it as not being good enough. I wasn’t able to achieve all so why even use a little? Why set myself up to fail? As the movies of my life played in my head of the male influences in my life, I saw how my perfection had been constantly abused or rejected.

And then I watched my favorite song of hers Fidelity.

My heart leaped and I was so excited because the chorus expressed me so much. And I sang as loud as I could and I danced in my freedom in the kitchen making dinner! Maybe a bit dangerous, not really, well kind of.  It is a part of me that has been trapped for so long. I am finding my voice and I am singing again.  As I sang the chorus I saw my fingers tapping away at the keyboard pouring out all the voices, words and music that come out through my blog, my poetry and my stories. I am drowning out all of the voices that have hindered me and I am bursting out with my own. Ok, a challenge, what is music for you or the thing that moves you like this?

Share it here or with someone you feel safe with!

Here is another song of hers that some of you may enjoy Regina Spektor-Laughing With


 

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06/22/11

Our Talents

Today I had a huge revelation. In the morning I was overwhelmed with the feeling of inadequacy. I kept hearing the words “not perfect”. I wasn’t sure what that meant or why I was feeling it so I decided to write about it. I had been feeling some movement in my thoughts about music and how my whole life has been greatly influenced by it.  I was graced with some music from a friend and then I had listened to several other songs that I had been reminded of. After listening to the music I was quite happy but the words “not perfect” hit me like a brick. While I was making breakfast I just began to cry. I had this movie of my life play out before me.

I have longed so much to master an instrument.

However, I have been incapable for several reasons. My dad’s side of the family is very much musical. All of them can sing, play instruments naturally and master them. I have two cousins now who have cd’s. It seems that everyone can sing with wonderful voices. They are all talented and I do enjoy hearing them and watching them. Sometimes I think I did not even try because there is such a competitive spirit with all of it that I didn’t want to participate. I am much happier sitting back observing and writing my thoughts or my exaggerated stories in fun. Still I feel my talents are less.

Everyone acknowledges them but they do not seem to accept them.

They will say that I am the dancer, the writer and that I write poetry but to this day I do not believe any of them have read my blog on their own and definitely not my poetry blog. I have tried to share in the past and it was critiqued or ignored. No one understood or ever took the time to ask me about it. I do remember that my uncle one time said that he could make a song to one of my poems and I thought that was so wonderful, but he never did. My dad has been consumed in music as far back as I can remember and I was the only one who would sit with him for hours listening to his rock opera tale and telling me how he taught himself this instrument and that instrument. I usually would get carried away dancing or reading lyrics though.

I had my own personal connection with music.

My own connection made me really enjoy having those moments with my dad. However, it was very much one-sided and I did not get to share my thoughts or things that I experienced. It makes me very happy to share music, talk about it and hear other people’s stories or experiences with music. When people share, my mind creates movies or I just see the music in colors and dancing streams or tracers and it feels as though I am right there with them. I like that, I like feeling a connection through the universal language of music. I have my own separate experience but it brings me joy to share in others. I don’t feel that freedom sometimes. Sometimes I feel so unworthy because I cannot bring some type of amazing talent to the table.

It seems rather torturous at times, to love music so much but not be able to engage like that.

I wrote a poem earlier today, I wasn’t really sure what it all meant I just wrote what I saw. I wrote what I felt without truly understanding. I tend to do that a lot. My poetry comes out before I have time to process it. My poetry is the expression of me that I do not fully understand. It is me in raw form most of the time, there are times that I have to hold on to it and read it over and over again before I can share it. I can take a while to truly understand what I have written out. I believe I just discovered something about that poem, I think I was talking to myself, in a way. I have for so long felt deficient because of the rejection of others with my talents. I have downplayed them, I have hidden them, I kept many of my words and thoughts hidden away in journals for fear that again someone would tell me that they were insignificant.

I am so tired of hiding them, of hiding me.

I know there is a lot wrapped up in that poem but at least I got one piece of it. I am really thinking about talents, I didn’t realize how much I had been comparing myself to others and the gifts that they have. I just get so excited when I see others operating in their talent that I forget that I have any, then I feel bad for thinking I might have some talent. I can’t win with my brain sometimes. The truth is we all have talents; we have gifts that should be shared and encouraged. I am throwing myself out there with everything and exposing myself because I am tired of that voice saying that I am not perfect. I am the perfect me right where I am at, and when I continue to change I will be perfect right there as well.

So what is some of your perfection that you will share today?


 

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06/21/11

Rough Ride

(Angel tested, David approved) :-)

It has been pretty rough around here since I opened up something in me that has been hidden for a very long time. I thought it would be easy and quick and everything would go la-la-la….But it has not gone that way at all. As a matter of fact, I ripped one band-aid and exposed a whole bunch of other band-aids. I continued to keep getting all of them off until everything was exposed. I am not sure that was the best way but it happened. I have never cried so much in my entire life. I have never had so much answered in my entire life. I have never had so much joy and pain at the same time.

I am not the only one going through serious discovery.

David is having his own rough ride as well. At first he was stifling me because he was trying to have me be his emotional comfort. I have led a pattern since I was a child, it started with both parents. I was put in the role of making sure that my parents emotional needs were met. This seems an impossible task since I do not know how to read emotions well. However, I always want people happy, because when other people are happy than I can function. I have done this in every meaningful relationship, except one. Now that I see it I can’t do it anymore. I have to deal with me and my stuff. I am not being mean or insensitive to David, but we both agree that he needs to deal with his stuff as well.

For me I do not see all of this as bad.

David and I both have realized a lot about ourselves, this world we have created, and what we have become. In our relationship we both shut down in many ways. David checked out emotionally into his work or games because I have not met his needs. I didn’t even notice possibly because I don’t read the signs, but also because I had lost trust in him a bit. There was a huge moment in our relationship where I felt abandoned. It was during the whole process about Daniel. I basically had to have several meltdowns in order for David to listen to me. Even after we got our answers, I was left alone in the process. My family and church community were not supportive and David only helped by listening to me download everything that I read or said I needed for Daniel’s home therapy.

I felt alone and scared when it came to any of Daniel’s therapy.

It was like it was all up to me and frankly I didn’t have any clue whatsoever! I have been terrified that I have not helped him and I haven’t given him everything he needs to succeed. I finally heard the words out of David’s mouth which was what I needed so badly to help me not feel wrong. All of this time David has been saying many of the right words but his actions do not match. I have been confused by his stand offish side when it comes to Daniel. David finally told me that he had been in denial about Daniel. I knew it! All this time he was saying that wasn’t true but it was. I felt crazy and again like I couldn’t trust my own intuition about things so I quickly hid it away.

I have been doing this with a lot of things that have now been confirmed that I was right.

I was right! It is a whole other genre to realize that I have been right, when all of this time I have been made to think either through word or action that I am wrong. Or that I convinced myself I was wrong because I did not understand the actual feelings from what a person was saying or doing compared to their actions. This is not bad – this is good for us and our self discovery. We have conformed into images of ourselves and played roles that had been given to us long ago. It is hard to go through all of this but in the end we both will find freedom. I am excited about it, great writing comes out of great pain. :-)

What I really want to talk about is an amazing story to me.

Being that I have a hard time keeping things inside, unless someone is demanding answers from me, I speak freely and openly with whatever I am going through. This openness has allowed David to feel safe to open up as well and I got to hear some wonderful stories about some of his past relationships good ones and bad. My favorite by far is about the beautiful Aurelia. I have to share the movie in my head of their tragedy.

The year before David and I had met he was very busy getting ready to finish his thesis and move forward with his career. He had gone to Germany for a conference with determination and focus about who was supposed to be his new boss and the new lab that he would be working in. He had to present his research, was supposed to schmooze, discuss his work and all the things they do at those conferences. He had no intention of finding any sort of connection with anyone – it was far from his mind. However, at one moment he saw a woman, he was struck by her beautiful thick deep burgundy hair, as she turned he knew that he had to meet her. Telling the guys that he was going to talk to that woman, they scoffed but he did it.

He walked right up to her and began to speak, when she turned around they seemed to seep into another world. They were transferred into a special place that only they could go. They somehow managed to spend 10 hours together at a conference that seems rather impossible with all that they had to do. It was like time stood still to give them this moment. They walked the warm streets that were flooded with the sounds of a carnival. They talked and talked as they walked through the beautiful parks. They shared something very special.

That evening they could not be separated and they spent the evening together, with all of their haze it was never mentioned that she was engaged. She shared that she was engaged, marriage was extremely sacred to her with her faith. It seemed that the magnetic field just could not pull them away, even though she felt so badly about her fiance. It couldn’t be stopped. Finally she had to go before she got into trouble with her group. He walked her back to her hotel that was about 20 minutes away. She turned to him and buried her face into his chest, then ran for the door but looked back and her eyes were filled with so much turmoil it was like looking into a storm.

David walked back to his hotel and could not sleep. He ended up getting up again and walking back to her but did not see her so returned to his hotel. The next day they discovered that she too had left her hotel to come back to him but they had missed each other by about 10 minutes. The brush of time passed them by. They were unable to spend a great deal of time together the next day. They did manage to get a goodbye and she gave him her email. They had stayed in contact for quite a while, it was confusing because she was still planning on getting married. They were making plans to be close enough to one another to see each other frequently while he worked in The Netherlands. David couldn’t do it – he didn’t know what their relationship was or even how to move forward with it and soon they drifted.

When he told me this story he was remembering her smell, her feel, her eyes and he was feeling bad about it. I was so full of excitement that I couldn’t stop myself. I shouted “No, smell her! You must! Feel her!” He had to embrace this feeling. It cannot die and wither. It must be allowed to be felt because the more we cover up these emotions, these aches and pains the more we become dull. Suffering is not always bad. His story brought me much joy and happiness for him. It let me see something that I have never seen in him. It brought him back to life in several ways. I told him that he had to find her. To my surprise he had been searching for her over the years. It was actually relief. This is a very touching and personal story to me that I can relate to in many ways. It makes me happy to know that he had that moment in time captured and that it was real.

These are some of the kinds of stories that I see wanting to hit the blank pages in the book store in heaven.

These are the ones that are too delightful and too painful to understand but they are real and they exist. They remind people of their passions and reveal how they have become plastic. It doesn’t have to be about love or tragedy. It is the persons own wonderful way of feeling. The way they get excited and that thing that causes their heart to flutter and engage in the missed heartbeats from past times. They help a person to breathe once again. They make tears real and laughter come from the bowels of the belly. It’s not hiding and it is being vulnerable.

It’s a rough ride but the lie is that the ride will destroy you, but it doesn’t – it changes you.


 


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06/17/11

Let’s Talk About Synesthesia

I have talked about synesthesia before briefly, I do not have a lot of knowledge on the subject but I do know that I have some form of it. I have recently watched a talk about synesthesia, as I watched it I once again was relieved to hear about numbers and letters being in color, BUT the most comforting thing was to hear about seeing music in color. Yes! Actually, this whole talk describes my world. I believe I may have it with all of my senses, as he describes them it truly sounds like it. I am very excited to have this new understanding. I wrote something that gave a small dose of what it is like for me in my poem My Reality. It may be easier to read here My Reality. I actually wrote this in February 2010.

The links to the talk.
Cytowic on Synesthesia at the Hirshhorn Part 1

Cytowic on Synesthesia at the Hirshhorn Part 2

Cytowic on Synesthesia at the Hirshhorn Part 3

Cytowic on Synesthesia at the Hirshhorn Part 4

 

I dance and write in color.

The music moves in a flow and I dance, the words comes out in a color flow. I believe that part of my flow is my autism creating order to my synesthesia. I have learned to block it a bit at times, having my logical mind “mask” it. I used to allow myself to flow in my synesthesia world but as I grew older, I felt as if it made me out of control.

I have been really exploring my artistic side.

I am trying to let myself go with all of the swirls, colors, tastes, feeling, and seeing in ways that I have not allowed myself to in many years. I just want to add here that I am not into all of the spiritual dynamics like what some of the people have questions about in the video. (There is a lot that can go into that conversation and I am not going into that here, is what I mean to say.) I do feel very much connected to people, places, and things in a spiritual way because of what I call a “flow”. For me God is in the flow so to speak. (Simply stated.)

Back to the videos, he said that there is no link to autism and synesthesia.

He only spent a few seconds on answering the question regarding autism, he claimed that they almost seem the opposite because “autism, they have trouble with emotional connections”. I do agree, obviously, but in a way I see how having both causes emotional connection to things such as numbers or objects. Our emotional connections can look different, I believe he is speaking from the paradigm that those of us on the spectrum lack empathy. Which we all know is NOT true. My emotional connections are not with people as intensely as they are with the color, sound, feel and sometimes taste of music. My entire life I have felt as if both the left and right side of my brain were battling. At times the right would win and other the left. I am naturally, logical and looking for patterns but in an intensely sensory infused world.

It has forced me to “mask” much of my natural sensory flow.

I see the pattern in swirly’s or circles, I see them with numbers and shapes have movement but they also bring order. My biggest obstacle has been social situations. I believe now it is because my sensory is so intense that my world feels as if I am being attacked all the time. I feel attacked by the emotions, colors, feel, taste, smells of people and everything else in the environment. I already feel awkward and out-of-place because I cannot understand the patterns of most humans so I have had to concentrate on one or the other. In order for me to survive, I have had to block my synesthesia, to try to deal with my social anxiety. I realize that I have not only felt displaced with people because of autism but also because I see this world through intense sensory.

No wonder, people always asked me if I was on drugs!

I have described my brain as feeling as if it was on LSD. I believe this is another reason why I cannot drink; it just opens up that world too much. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have this information. It has made my world make so much more sense. I believe with this new exploration of myself, that discovering this information will help me greatly in integrating my thought process. Before I always thought I either had to do one or the other.

I had to hide my sensory world or I had to escape in it.

Now I see how my mind naturally looks for pattern and logic but through swirly’s, colors, tastes, visuals, smells, numbers, etc…I feel at home there. I am going to have to watch these videos again because I did not dissect all of the information. I am excited to feel “not wrong” for having a brain that does this and to see how I can express it freely. All three kids show signs of synesthesia, I will be able to help them understand and enjoy that sensory world.

How great is it that they will find all of this as a good thing instead of feeling like it is an alienation? :-)

I forgot I had read this great post over a year ago. It has some really good information in it that I plan on rereading. Colours of the Week


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06/15/11

What’s Up Here

The kids and I have just been painting away together. We have done a ton of squiggly, swirly, twirly kinds of fantastic fun. Today Daniel actually decided that he would join me. I made some sort of design and then he would try it. When I suggested the number 8, he said “Oh, yes the number 8, that is a good idea.” He then proceeded to start making numbers on his own and wanted me to join him.

So I did.

His color of choice today was yellow. Interestingly, because he “owns” green but I was green today. Later he decided that straight lines were the way to go. Ariel has been painting with me for two days and has made her own pictures along with swirly like paintings. Today she went on a dragon kick. Yea! Dragons! Joshua wanted to paint a Star Wars Lego scene and of course create something out of wood. He loves building and creating things like that. I cannot really paint any Star Wars scenes so I made what I saw, explosions. :-)   He made this whole scene with Jango Fett and Obi Wan.

I am just going to keep going with this painting thing and see where we all go.

There are a lot of pictures, this is kind of a big deal since the only one who has ever really painted was Ariel. She is super excited to have us all join in her special interest. You can scroll over them to see their title and click on them to get the full fabulousness! :-)

Here is our gallery of fun!

 


 

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06/13/11

My Bookstore In Heaven

I am really into writing my visuals today for some reason. I wrote this out because I was just seeing it in my mind. I thought I would share, just because…well I felt like it. I am in love with old bookstores, books in general and spiral staircases so it is no surprise that I would envision heaven with such things.

Here is my heavenly visual for my bookstore in heaven.

You don't have to write the book, just live it out.

When I think of heaven, I see myself in an enormous library, a heavenly bookstore so to speak. It is old and wonderful. The largest of all biblio museums, centuries and decades of treasures lost to us. It is full of science, math, music, art, and literature, a colossal amount of thought all in one place.

When I am standing there in my mind, it towers into ancient arches and curves that form amazing features that I cannot describe. I am surrounded by colors foreign to my eyes and they are brilliant. As I open the books they come alive, just as I see numbers, I see the words dancing and forming into existence.

It doesn’t end with books of old, there are other rooms and massive entry ways that are full of stories, information, ideas and history that line the walls and seem to have their own heartbeat.  Some of them have not been brought forth into existence, some are just now forming, and some will only be blank pages because the people who were supposed to write them let their vision die.

Those rooms I find sad, but there is so much treasure that I cannot contain my joy. I get to wander throughout eternity living in the oldest bookstore ever known to life itself. I work there; I exist there for all time. The books are filled with the history of each person as well. There are rooms dedicated to the lives of humanity, their lives unknown to us but known to this living, breathing bookstore in the heavenlies.

Though I do not see God, I feel Him in the existence of what has been written. I feel Him in the walls of this living monument. I hear Him through the songs, laughter, tears, heartache, joy, instruments and paint brushes that stroke and move, and spill out as I pass each book.  It is a fantastic image. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to read through all of the books, but then I remember that I have eternity, possibly I can.

At times I sneak into the empty rooms, the blank pages that flitter about and flap as if someone were getting ready to write upon them. I wait anticipating the words to dance on the page but they do not come. I feel ache. I see missed moments, wasted time, unfulfilled lives, even though there is a feeling that they think, by not writing their story of life that it will be better. If they chose to drop the ink and paper that their life will have more meaning.

I seem to take moments of time in those rooms; I sit and pray for their passions to come alive and for the fulfillment of what was intended for them to come forth into existence. Sometimes one word may appear but it is quickly erased. And my spirit is grieved. I would love so much to read their story because I can see how hard it is to get it out. I know that feeling, I have empathy. I whisper in the air hoping it will catch flight, “Just live it if you cannot write”.

Then once again I am off bouncing about, putting books in their proper place. I am seen dancing in the hallways as the floors echo of my footsteps and seem to bring laughter to beings I do not see. As I dance the tiles seem to wrap their vibrant colors around my feet and lift me higher into the air, as if flying.

I seem to fall into those rooms that have new information flowing into them. It is an energy that is addictive. It is alive and hopeful. I can see all of the emotions lapping about, the words twirling in the air as they flit upon the page.  I swirl around with them, I laugh, I cry, and stand in awe.

There is no darkness here that is looming; the darkness is the birth of some great book or song. Some of the books sing to me and their treasure is far beyond what any word could describe. The light and the darkness mingle creating an exceptional color that radiates all colors and yet no color at the same time. As I sleep I am surrounded by books. I am surrounded by spiral staircases. I am lavished with the indescribable presence of belonging.

Anyone is welcome. And all can share in this prodigious escapade of being. But in my vision, I do not see many who want to go there. I will discover a few who wander in but will only stay for a short time. They seem to have other interests and still in eternity they are too busy to read and feel the life of words and the thoughts of others.


 

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06/12/11

Shells, Trees, Sky & Me

This week my mother has been off work so we have been able to go to the beach often. It has been a wonderful beach week. In the past going to the beach has been a bit of a rough situation. Daniel used to have no awareness whatsoever when it came to the ocean. He would venture off if I was not right next to him at all times. While on the sand he would venture off to places where dangerous creatures inhabit or he would just plop down anywhere and start throwing sand at innocent bystanders, including all of us! He would run up and down the beach as fast as he could and I got some serious workouts trying to keep up with him. In the past year it has gotten a lot better going to the beach. Last summer I was able to go quite a few times by myself with the kids and we had fun.

I was still on guard though.

I have not been able to go places and just enjoy myself. I have had to keep target eyes on all of my wandering children but Daniel especially. Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to just wander myself. David actually went with us which is unusual, but he felt that he needed to spend time with the kids. They were very happy about that and I was happy because my mom and David watched the kids for me while I got to do my thing. I was able to walk in the sand, gather shells and go off in my own world exploring their shapes, colors, textures and sizes. I was able to enjoy the sky and take pictures without having to hurry up and get back to the kids. I could stare at trees and get sucked in a bit.

I was able to find a peace that I have not had in a very long time.

In the past few weeks a lot of things have been realized for me. One thing is how I thought that I was ok. I thought I was getting enough time to think through my thoughts or stim. It became very clear that I have not had a break since the kids have been born. I had no help when they were first-born, David tried to help as much as he could, but he still had to work. It wasn’t until about two years ago that David was even able to be alone with the kids for several hours. It was too much for him. If I went to the store or out for tea with my friend, I was worrying the entire time. Then when I came home he would download all of the problems of the night. This made it worse for me; I had guilt and felt like I was the only one who could handle everything going on.

Since we have moved here, my mom has helped in many ways.

Still my mom is an Aspie that very much lives in solitude. She is a great Grammy don’t get me wrong, but it has to be on her terms and time frame. I have been thinking a lot lately about how fuzzy my brain feels. I have seemed to hit a wall in my coping mechanisms. I have realized that instead of actually dealing with my loops, I silenced them with information consumption that would cause me to get sidetracked and stop the loops. It never actually addressed the cause for the loops. I haven’t been able to deal with anything because I am always listening to everyone else and helping them. Also because I have overwhelmed so many people with my thoughts or feelings that I kept quiet. All the times that David and I have talked through things, I have had moments of revelation but then it would turn to helping David with his stuff. We both had this realization this week.

He is an “ideas” person so he just downloads all of kinds of ideas on me.

He will overwhelm me, he knows this but he can’t seem to stop himself. I cannot deal with a whole bunch of ideas with no resolution. My mind goes into a desperate need to find answers for the ideas, David finds answers in the ideas themselves. I take it all in and shutdown. I feel bombarded and like I need to help him get his balance back. When he gets thrown like that he cannot work or function so I have to get him to be ok. My mom downloads on me as well. I am not complaining about any of this, it is fine as long as I get my time as well. What all of us are seeing is that I am not. I have not. I am here for the kids, I am here for David and I am here for my mom but I have not been heard. I have not been able to function properly and I have a lot of stuff bottled up in me.

I have forgotten so much of me that I feel happy and sad at the same time.

I have this visual, I have described my mind as having just rows and rows of file cabinets, and each one is full of file folders. All of the file folders are categorized and labeled accordingly. Here is what has happened, all of my file cabinets have been opened, thrown all around and each file folder has been tossed about and scrambled everywhere. It is like someone went in and just started tossing everything everywhere and I get overwhelmed by the mess. I start to pick up a file folder with a label only to discover that it has papers and information that belong in another file clear on the other side of my brain. Does any of this make sense?

Anyway, while at the beach I found such peace in my mind.

I enjoyed being consumed by the details of the shells and the feel of the sand. The sand was perfect because it was dry and flaky and did not stick to me. I hate it when sand sticks to me. The clouds brought me comfort and the water soothed my ears. I want to find that in my mind often. I am slowly putting things back where they belong this time around. In the past I have rushed to get things back so that I would not feel the chaos and confusion. I needed to get my issues back in their folders so that I could be there for others. I think this time around I would like to deal with it head on instead of running. I think I would like to truly discover who I am and where I have conformed without my knowledge. I am pretty excited about this realization and where it will take me.

In the mean time I will find some peace in my shells, trees and sky.



 


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06/9/11

Number 8 & Infinity

In my previous post, I shared my disjointedness without my internet access. I am still recovering! :-) In a way it was a very good thing for me. I was forced to look at other ways to find peace in my mind. As I gathered the kids together to do some things, for some reason I decided to have us all finger paint. I do not like to finger paint but I figured what the heck, I am already out of it. What’s the bother with throwing me completely over the top, right? As we were painting away I noticed how I naturally made swirls, circles, and eights. It jogged my memory of what I used to do when I was at school or when going to conferences for work or church.

I always make swirly’s or the figure 8 with my fingers in the air to music.

But I remembered that I also doodle and swirl numbers. Eight happens to be one that I do a lot. The number 8 and the infinity symbol. I realized that I have always done this along with making vine like swirly’s and spiral circles. Even as I woke this morning the number eight was flashing through my mind. I have no idea why but it was and I found comfort in the number eight. I have noticed that some people write their name or certain pictures over and over again as they doodle. I make numbers swirly. I have forgotten about this because I have not been in situations where I felt that I needed to for quite a while.

This morning threw me into a need for order.

I find it interesting that my memory called forth numbers and swirls. I decided to pick up Ariel’s paint brushes and paints and just have a go at trying to settle my mind. I sat at Ariel’s art easel, mixed some paints and went about painting whatever I felt. I am not a painter or an artist by any means. I normally will not touch a paint brush, but today I just felt that I needed to. As I painted away I was so happy. I was calm and laughing at the designs or numbers that came through my hand. It was fun. I think I may try it more often. I think I found another stim. :-)

Here are my silly but fun attempts of calming myself.

 

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