Today marks two years that I have been writing this blog. I had no idea I would still be going. I wasn’t sure what the whole blog thing was about or how I would fit in this internet world. I am glad I started blogging, it has changed my life in many ways. I think mostly it has helped me finally find words to emotions and past experiences. I have also met some pretty amazing people and I think that you are all so great and I am blessed to be in a great community.
When I look through my past posts though, I see how much I cycle.
Things that I thought I have gotten over, I am not. I believe it is because I didn’t have the words or comprehension of what I was feeling before and now the connections are finally being made. Poems I have written years ago are now coming out in full length posts and things are getting settled in my mind a bit. It is a slow, long and hard process but it is happening. I am finding that when I read my past posts I can feel the emotions and the reflection of the person I was then. I have changed but I am saying the same things in some cases.
The difference now is that the words mean something different to me.
As I wrote about Daniel’s progress I see how my attitude has changed into a more accepting mind-set of myself and everyone here. I have become more aware of all of our issues. To be completely honest, I no longer feel defective. I no longer feel apologetic for me or my kids. I no longer care what other people’s perceptions are, most days. Even as a I read some of my past posts, I can feel my apprehension about my feelings, I just had a different attitude. I was discovering what ASD meant to us as a family and how it affected each of us. I still am but there has been a shift that I can’t quite explain.
I guess it is a more of an understanding which has brought about more acceptance.
I see in my writing about Daniel that I talk about his talking, social skills and eating issues all progressing but then I haven’t talked about the bouts of going back to old ways. He has not regressed in several years now but he does go back to old patterns and rituals when he is overloaded, has anxiety or is not feeling well. It scares me every time because I have this fear of him loosing all of his progress. Loosing his ability to talk or have fun with us. I do not really think this will happen but I feel it. These times are much shorter than they used to be. He is able to calm much better most days but there are still some times that he just can’t and those can go on for days.
It is contingent upon, sleep, food, sensory issues, weather, clothes, allergies and social understandings.
Any of those things, if the slightest bit off can throw him in a tale spin but after two years, he can point-blank tell me what happened. Not all the time but now most of the time. He knows when someone treats him the wrong way and when he treats them the wrong way. He understands that he can hurt people and that it is wrong. He understands that it is wrong for others to hurt him. We have been working on the “Right way” and “Wrong way” scenarios for months and he is able to comprehend many of them. Two years ago, I wasn’t sure that was really going to happen. He didn’t notice or understand when he hurt someone or someone hurt him.
I am very excited with all of our progress here.
We have all learned a lot about communicating and how we fit together as a family. It is not always fun, just like for any family. I am more aware of everyone else’s issues now, I see how I focused so much on Daniel and myself that I missed things with Ariel, Joshua and David. This next year will probably be a transition into focusing on everyone and how to work on helping us as a whole. I think about the progress I have written about Daniel, it can sound like I am repeating progress but actually each progression is more in-depth and advanced. Such as yesterday he looked at a spinning bee wind thing on Curious George and said “I wish I could have that.” It sprung into a conversation with me about what he liked about it and about weather.
He was not doing that a year ago, even though his language had increased.
I am looking forward to another year of all of us progressing. I am really hoping to find peace in some areas of my life that seem to keep popping up such as church and family. I can’t wait to see how we all progress and I am looking forward to Daniel and Ariel starting first grade and Joshua technically starting Kindergarten, even though I have had him do most of the work they do. We have other things that we are starting socially that look promising, I am steering clear of any church social activities with the kids, there are just too many theological differences with churches around here and there is no program with the church we have been going to. I am looking forward to getting the kids involved with art, exercise and possibly some cooking adventures.
I am just excited for the future and writing about it.
Here are some posts from the past two years, you can see the change in my writing voice, I think. It is interesting to read the change for me, maybe it is not noticeable for others, but for me it is. Side note: I have noticed my timelines may be off, I get sucked into the here and now and tend to think everything is a about a year or so in the time frames. The timelines can be accurate in many cases but I have a sneaky suspicion that they are off a bit in time. I have virtually no concept of time no matter how hard I try. We have lived here for almost 5 years and it still feels like we just moved here.