Monthly Archives: May 2011

05/31/11

Allowing Myself To Stim

For some socializing is energizing, for me it is exhausting. I seem to always forget this. Now, it depends on what type of socializing that I am doing and how much of it I am doing. I used to find myself some days completely exhausted coming home from work and thinking, I didn’t really do a lot except sit at my desk. I would then feel badly because I was unable to do after work socializing. I would have to go home and I would collapse. Many times I would be just too tired to eat, then lay in my bed in the dark with my music playing and my cats surrounding me.

Recently, Lisa Aka: “AlienHippy” said something that really hit home.

She said “Allow yourself to be Autistic…just as you know that an Autistic child needs to release, we do too.” When I read that I had an A’ha” moment. I have tried to cover up my autistic behaviors for so long that I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. One thing I use to stim, is music. Listening to music is one of the things I have done my entire life, it is a huge part on both sides of my family. It has saturated my thoughts and when I listen to it, it brings me peace and helps my loops. I see things when I listen to music. I see spiraling colors, flashes of lights, words dancing, visions and movies. They can be movies replaying from my past or just what I am feeling or seeing as I listen to the song.

I feel instruments through my body.

I think this helps with my sensory issues and anxiety. When I used to go to church, work, and other social outings, I would listen to my music at home and then while in the car, to prepare. I would have it as loud as possible and away I would go. My hands move to the music and I have learned to stop them. They move to streamers and swirls or the visions that I see. That is what happens when I dance, which used be another stim for me. My body will move to the music as I see it play out in my head. When I was in churches that allowed this it was very freeing. But mostly, I had to hide my hands moving or my body flowing with the music. I suppose work would not be the most appropriate place anyway. :-)

I used to leave my work places a lot for lunch when I felt overwhelmed.

I would go to a music store for my hour and just listen to music, sometimes forgetting to eat. When the children were born I had to stop. I could no longer listen to music loudly or dance. I also got frustrated with music. I had cut off any “secular” music and limited myself to only Christian, while I did find some great and very versatile music, it was not working. It all started to sound the same and even when I tried to listen to other music, it all sounded the same. They all seemed to have no depth, no richness in their lyrics or in their ability to play. I finally had to eliminate all of my music in the house anyway because Daniel started to have serious meltdowns. I am not sure why, I had to limit music to his children Bible songs.

I lost and hid some of my coping mechanisms.

Music was my main source of stimming my whole life. When Lisa shared that with me, I let myself go. I sat back listened to the song she had sent and did not control my body or my hands. Off they went. Spinning and twirling fingers, rocking body, bouncing feet. I sang again. I got really frustrated several years ago because I could no longer play my guitar. It hurts my hands too much and my fingers would cramp for days. I was not that great but it was an outlet, that I can no longer have.

When I realized that I had stopped myself from stimming, I understood my exhaustion.

I do have many stims but some I have stopped because of feeling foolish or from people looking at me oddly. Feeling music happens to be the one that is most infused in me. I allow my kids to do what they need to do and I need to allow myself as well. It is hard, it’s another vulnerable thing even though people may not be around. I dance, sing, do my finger twirls and spins when I am at stores. I do not realize it until someone else makes it known to me, by presence, words or looks, I then I try to stop myself, depending on how vulnerable I feel. Some days I do not care, others days I feel like crying because I feel so silly.

I see how I can get exhausted socially, I am spending so much energy trying to stop myself.

There are other factors as well but I think allowing myself to do what I need to do, will help a bit with my social environment. I use gum to help me in public, I have always chewed gum, even as a little child. It got me in a lot of trouble during school, so I learned to hide it well. The last few years they have changed the formulas for gum, they contain things that make me feel dizzy or see black dots and has set off my vertigo at times. I lost that one too, I still have one gum that I can chew but it is too sweet and I do not like the feel that it leaves on my teeth. I have to limit it. Those are the ones that I know have helped me but I think I will have to allow myself to find those stims that I lost or discover how to let myself be free enough to do what comes out naturally.

Well I guess I am off to more freedom.


 

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
05/29/11

On Being Vulnerable

I am in a rambling mood today. I decided to share some of my thoughts about being vulnerable. Thinking of my own vulnerability, I decided to look the word up again and read through the definition.

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ə l) — adj

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc

3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc

4. military liable or exposed to attack

5. bridge (of a side who have won one game towards rubber) subject to increased bonuses or penalties   [C17: from Late Latin vulnerābilis, from Latin vulnerāre to wound, from vulnus a wound]

As I thought about the definitions I went through many events in my life and how I have been incredibly vulnerable.

There is something special about a child and even the rare adults, possibly on the spectrum, :-)   who have an innocent vulnerability. There is an openness and freedom that has not yet been tainted, or discovered. The hurts of this world have not caused a protective layer from the outside attacks. For some this innocent vulnerability is stolen from them at a quite young age and they have to put on some sort of armor in order to survive. For others, it is years and years of people mishandling the vulnerability. It seems there are others as well who have watched the attacks on the vulnerable and decided they would put on their armor based on the possibility of such attacks.

I do not realize my innocent vulnerability until after the fact.

In the past I have covered myself with shields, hoping I had them tightly fitted as to stop the arrows from penetrating. I would then forget. As much as I try to keep patterns of people and their behavior at the fore front of my mind, I cannot always remember what the attacks look like. I find it interesting that I am unable to read these things for myself but for others I can see them clearly. I am very protective of my children’s vulnerability. At this age I really do not care if people think that I am overprotective, I want them to have that freedom instilled in them. I also want to equip them with the knowledge of how vulnerability works and how people will prey upon it.

I do not want them afraid of being vulnerable nor afraid of invulnerability.

There can be a healthy balance. They can be taught to be wise, I am talking about safe vulnerability. They need to be able to say what they feel without the fear that someone will come along and tell them that they are weak for doing so. I am not talking about the vulnerability that comes with abuse, that is unacceptable. I am only tapping on being open and honest and having the freedom to feel emotional issues. Our society has made it wrong or unacceptable to be vulnerable. We get trampled on by our vulnerability. We get bullied, tortured emotionally and belittled for expressing our true feelings.

In a way, I see how using our own vulnerability can be our weapon.

If given the freedom in a safe environment to express ourselves, we feel validated in our words and actions. We become stronger in them. I have had my vulnerability cause people to run. Most people do not like to be open and honest, or they can’t for some of the reasons I listed earlier. A’ha! My weapon of defense. It will cause those who are not accepting of me, to flee. I am sure I have not expressed myself in the best ways, I may have run from me too. It is hard to handle, but in the long run I think it’s worth it. I think a lot of my vulnerability comes from lack of social skills, such as reading body language or understanding verbal cues. I seem to have no idea that I am being attacked.

I may feel something at that moment.

However, it is only later that I discover that I am feeling a tinge in my head of confusion, anxiety and fear and I do not know why. I then replay the situations over and over in my mind to try to discover what had just happened. When I see it. I have a choice. Sometimes I would run and hide, other times I faced it head on. It would depend on how I felt about the situation. If I felt I was going to gain more damage I would internalize, if I felt that I wasn’t going to let it hold me back, I would face it. However, both of these have caused me great harm. But have they?

I am still changed and that can be good.

They can only harm me as much as I allow. Again, I am not talking about emotional abuse that is entirely different. In some cases, it is good to be oblivious. Since I did not understand some situations, I wasn’t hurt terribly by them. There were times, that after realizing the situation, I became terribly hurt.

But what do we do with that hurt?

I am not an angry person (despite my rage at times), I am very forgiving and tend to forget the bad things that people do. It can be detrimental to me at times, but then again I ask myself do I want to be angry and unforgiving? Not really. There always has to be a balance, I understand that. The only way to gain balance is to understand what is out of balance. It is ok to be vulnerable as long as it will not destroy or harm you. I am thinking being vulnerable, can be good or bad, you have the power to use it for either.

We got the power!

I have a terrible time not being honest, it physically makes me ill and I cannot eat or sleep until I have come up with the best way to be honest. Sometimes my honesty hurts people but I cannot keep it in me. It has to come out. I am not sure if others feel this so intensely but I cannot live with myself if I hide things. It usually comes out in some crazy babble anyway, so I just say it now. This kind of vulnerability is not always conscious, often it just comes out before I have ever given it a thought. I ask is it that wrong? Of course, I do not mean speaking viciously toward people. We need tact.

I am just thinking, it would be nice to have the freedom of being vulnerable without the ridicule or fear for doing so.


 

 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/27/11

Blogging Lite

I don’t feel like writing much today. Well the truth is I have written a lot this week and today, but I need to go over them, you know. :-) I felt like sharing some of what the kids have been up to.

“Photo Friday!”

Joshua’s Lego fixation has seriously turned into an obsession. Unfortunately, I cannot remember all of the names he gave his ships. He has a name and task for each one. He then shares what they are with everyone, even when they are not listening. He doesn’t care, he just keeps going.

It’s pretty funny.

I have some of Ariel’s art work and Daniel’s entertaining toy dumps. He likes to dump toys in his room and then jump on his bed while singing songs. It’s good to hear him singing again, he had stopped for quite some time.  I have about a billion pictures. I put a lot on here because I had such a hard time deciding which ones to put on and which ones not to put on. So here you have some fascinating pictures of a few of our days over here.

Picture time!




 


 

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
05/24/11

2319! We Have A 2319!

I am feeling the need to put up a less so “deeply” involved post for my sake and everyone. I don’t want to run anyone off! :-) Here is what is going on around here. Thanks to a friend who shared some awesome resources with me about behavioral planning, I have come up with our own version of a “meltdown” management system. I thought about what I could use to help Daniel connect and hopefully help him really be able to learn how to help himself and realize what his actions do to others.

My plan: Operation 2319!

He loves Monster, Inc., since he has only recently gotten into watching more movies, so far, Wall-E, anything Winnie the Pooh, Tangled and Monster, Inc. are the only ones that he will sit all the way through and watch over and over. He goes through cycles, for months it has been Monsters. I had already been saying “Oh, no! It’s a 2319!!” when he would start to lose control and it was helping to get him calm enough to at least get some words out so I could help him. I decided to come up with a 2319 chart that would help him have visual pictures of what is the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do.

I used pictures from the movie to represent each situation.

I am going to have pictures below, but there are good cards, (accomplishment cards) acting out cards, out of control cards and time out cards. I went ahead and set it up for all of the kids because Joshua is starting to have issues too and I want to help him before it gets out of control. Ariel loves it. She is all about charts and achievement. When I set it all up and explained it she told me “Oh, yes I think this is a good idea. I will get a lot of good cards and show the boys what to do.” :-)   They collect the cards and receive rewards. We do this for their chore charts, they earn money for doing their chores so now it is applied to accomplishments. It is much like a job, you do well you get perks. Well that is what I am telling myself anyway.

That is the quicky version of what it is but you can get the gist of it.

The picture I used for 2319, which is out of control, has Sulley making a scared face with Boo standing there. Daniel connects with Boo because I call him Boo Bear. He asked me why I used that picture and I told him that when he gets out of control, “We get scared because we do not know what he is going to do. Just like Sulley was scared of Boo. But Sulley had no reason to be scared because Boo was just trying to talk to him. It is the same thing because you do behavior that scares us since we do not know what you are going to do. We also do not know why you are doing those things. But you are not scary and you are only trying to tell us something. If you stay calm and use your words or show us, we can help you.”

He stopped and thought about that for a few minutes.

We discussed it a bit more so that he understood that he was not scary and that all we want to do is help. He laughed and thought it was a great idea. OK! It has worked. He has been trying very hard to stay calm and use his words instead of not so pleasant things. It is a system in progress, it will change I am sure but at least it is something that he can look at and connect to at this time. So far so good. We will see what happens at the next full moon! He is doing incredible, especially considering he is still using the potty and doing great with that.

I used this clip to show him and share that we only want to help get rid of or find the things bothering him.

I have to be careful how I word things. I tried to be very clear, used simple directions, visuals to help him connect and asked him to explain what I said after I went over it. He seemed quite relieved to see this chart with the pictures, to see what he should do. Ariel was quite happy and Joshua, well Joshua is much like his daddy. He isn’t too fond of rules and likes to bend them to his will as much as possible. But he is giving it a try.

So I guess we will see how it continues to play out, hopefully it will work and progress into a good working system.

And now for some photos!

2319! Chart

2319! Chart

Following directions visuals

Out of Control! Card

Out of control/timeout visuals

Acting out visuals

Achievement lists/reinforce rules

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/22/11

“Just Sit There And Be Pretty!”

Yes, an ex-boyfriend said that to me. I remember every detail of that night. I remember after it was said to me I shut down because I did not know how to respond to it. I frequently got in trouble with significant others because of my questions and conversations that I would start while out and about socializing. I am intrigued by people and I enjoy hearing their stories, what they think, what they are all about, and how they got to that exact moment in which our worlds interacted. I ask a lot of questions and I probe.

I find this enjoyable, while others just want to go out and have a “good time”.

I had three long-term boyfriend relationships starting at around the age of 14. This first relationship is in part the reason for my obsessive behaviors I discussed in my last two posts. It is a fragile time in a person’s life anyway but this is when you begin to really start looking for answers to who you are and what you are going to be. I entered into an abusive relationship for 3 years and didn’t even know it. What he did to me caused so much confusion and loss of identity that it forced me to be in search of the “real” me.

I never thought I was being abused because I never felt like a victim.

In all three relationships, they manipulated me, not all were physically abusive but they were verbally with saying many things similar to what I titled this post. The thing is that I stood up for myself. The normal pattern was for me to shut down because I was confused, then I would be hurt and then that would manifest through rage. I was sharp with my tongue and my wit. This would make them even more angry. In my mind I figured if I could stand up for myself than I was not really being abused. I was so hard for them to control because on the one hand I seemed very fragile and insecure but on the other hand I was strong and independent.

I felt victimized but never a victim.

I still feel this way. I see people take on the “victim” identity and I think that it is a shame to be settled in such a title when we have been equipped with the ability to not stay victims. Then again I do not like to see those take the ‘warrior” mentality either because then you can never show weakness. Part of being a true warrior is recognizing limitations, not hiding from them but embracing them to make you stronger. What I am sharing now has always been me. I lost these things about myself at one point. I had people in my life many times try to not allow me to use my brain.

Not just in relationships but also in other settings, such as work and church.

My obsessive behaviors did ease as I grew older and I found that if I was not in a relationship I was much better at being myself. I may have felt alone but I was comfortable with being alone with myself. I still however, had a desire for someone to be in my life so I searched on. By the time I met my first husband I had been alone for quite some time and I was pretty confident in me in a lot of ways. I liked him because he was intelligent, loved music and had a dry sense of humor that I got. But we really were just friends, I never felt anything more than a friendship with him. Plus I was entering into a new era of my life and started going to church which changed our dynamic.

We had many differences in our beliefs and I was evolving into someone new.

By the time I met my second husband I was fully emerged into church life and being a Christian. I felt I had no idea who would make a good husband for me so I trusted my friends instead of listening to my gut. He too just wanted me to sit and be pretty. This brings me to what triggered this post and why I felt I needed to get this out. Last night I had been thinking about all of this, my life playing like a movie. I had some feelings of regret but I think regret is good and I wrote a poem about that as well. Anyway, I looked at David and I was staring at him awkwardly, with no emotion on my face, this creeps him out, (I have a gift of being able to do that when I am thinking and creep people out. lol) and I said “Thank you for loving my brain.”

He looked at me and said “I do not know how to respond to that.”

I do that often too, I say strange things that he doesn’t know how to respond to. Hee hee It was at that moment that I realized why David has helped me so much. He has allowed me to use my brain. He has encouraged it. He has even gone to great lengths to tell me that “If you didn’t use your brain, I could not respect you and I would not be able to stay with you.” I shared with him what I meant by loving my brain. He was the first person to allow me to ask my questions, listen to my rants, let me cycle and rage, laugh and cry, whatever I needed to do, to be able to let my true nature come out.

He used to get hurt or frustrated with things I would say.

Like when I called him a cry baby, I wasn’t being mean in my mind I thought I was helping him. I see the error of my ways now. :-) I can say harsh things but not mean them in a harsh way at all. As we discussed all of this he told me that “He would rather me clear a room, making people uncomfortable and deal with the things they will not face, rather than sit and be a wallflower.” He doesn’t mean for me to be rude but to ask the questions that are hard and driven for answers. He told me that he hasn’t really done anything except encourage me to let the things that he sees in me to come out. Not let them hide but let them out freely. I think this is a reason I had no obsessive behaviors with David. I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything or try to keep parts of me hidden.

One dear person that I worked with said to me once “Angel, you need to find someone who loves you for your brain.”.

I remember that day in every detail too. My second husband had left, we were separated, when that friend (thank you, Jim) said those words, I had a flash of the entire relationship. The whole time I had been railing against the unspoken words “Just sit there and be pretty”. My relationships, many of my friends and my church that I was in, had all been telling me the same thing. Don’t use your mind, sit there and do what you are told, stop thinking for yourself. And I couldn’t do it, no matter how hard I tried.

I could never and will never be able to “Just sit there and be pretty.”

 


 

 

2 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
05/20/11

Fitting In Not So Much

I lived kind of dual life with church people. Dual in that I didn’t share about how I didn’t agree with some of their views and I stopped questioning them about how some of the language seemed very judgmental and non-loving. I still stay quiet, it’s just easier. I wasn’t hiding sin, I was trying so hard to live a “holy” life that I became obsessed with my “wrong doing”. I studied people in church and tried to become who I thought I was supposed to be. People and their behavior was very confusing, it never fit. I acknowledge that I made up rules for me to follow but I took all of their words literally. I really lost any sense of self I had during that time. Now I am at a point where the pieces are slowly coming together and I am discovering some parts of me that have always been there but I have hidden.

I am also finding the pieces of me that are new as I grow older.

When I met David I had already come to a point where I was not going to change to find a partner. I was settled on not finding one. I was fine with being me, the me I knew at that point. It was good to start a relationship like that, it wasn’t founded on insecurity because I wasn’t being someone I thought he wanted. I couldn’t accept that someone would want me for me, until I met David. First of all in the past anytime my true self would be exposed it usually wasn’t good, so I learned to only give people little doses of me. I would give the appropriate dose for the appropriate people mixed in with who I thought they wanted.

Secondly, I really didn’t know who I was.

How can you find yourself or even know who you are when you are trying so hard to fit in? When you have had others tell you who you are or should be? The things people would label me with were so confusing at times. When I would obsess about certain people, it would cause me to get sidetracked and fixated on becoming someone who was “right”. I would obsess to try to find myself. If I could figure out what they saw in me and I brought that forth, possibly that was who I was. As my mind would wander thinking about them, I would begin to have anxiety because I knew that I wasn’t completely who they thought I was. I would then feel the need to know what they were doing, when I would see them, why they were not calling when they said they would, would they stop talking to me?

Just all kinds of things.

I did this because I felt like I was losing self, I was creating my identity through their image of me. I wanted those people to live with me, so I could discover who I was. I wanted to be consumed by them so I could know what was right. This is not unique behavior, it is actually what many NT’s do as well, they take on identity of the group and the group moderates what is right and what is wrong. Since I did not naturally do this it felt odd, individualized and my obsessive behaviors seemed extreme. People who are able to adapt to a social situation are able to see what type of people are there and adjust their personality accordingly. I recognize that this does not make them liars, as I thought. I can read people’s true selves, this is different from reading people. A true self is what is actually going on inside, I have discernment for that. I do not have discernment for people’s social self.

I see things in people that are good or bad.

And here lies one of the main reasons why I have such social/relationship confusion. When what I feel/see doesn’t match with what I see/hear it causes me to doubt myself. I doubt my ability to discern motives and people. Because of this doubt I have ended up in controlling relationships and trusting wrong people at times. I have had people tell me over and over again that I was wrong about a certain person, only to discover that their own motives were completely wrong. They were trying to steer my doubts to conform with the group so they could feel “right”. My obsessive behavior and the feeling of needing to be around people stemmed from the fact that I did not feel confident in my ability to know how they felt about me. I would be confused by what I saw and their actions/words were toward me a lot of the time.

I think this has to do with my inability to know who is my friend.

When I care for someone I try to give them everything, this would be one reason why I have had so few cohering relationships. I would try to be completely translucent but I couldn’t because I felt if I was truly exposed that they would leave. It takes a lot of energy to try to find yourself. But it takes huge amounts of energy to expose yourself while trying to keep an identity of being who you think people want. Anytime I stepped out I would see how they did not want the “real me” they wanted the shell of me. My shell had all the great qualities but never showed the bad. When I realized that they only wanted the shell, it brought to life just how fragile that shell was and I would feel like a failure. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be that and I felt like I had done something wrong. I hadn’t taken on the “right” identity.

I would feel that I wasn’t good enough to satisfy the relationship.

The whole purpose of my people consumption was to control my life. People were too unpredictable, they kept things from me, they changed or I would discover things that I never knew about them and it would throw me into a panic. I wasn’t psychotic – I just wanted my life to be predictable and I needed to know who they thought I was. It required me to know the people in my life deeply and regularly, not to manipulate and control them but to help me not have anxiety and panic attacks.

My fitting in method didn’t work.

I could fake it but I was still isolated and alone in my thoughts. I caused people to feel suffocated because of my need to know where they were and what they were doing. I seemed quite insecure and needy which is the opposite of who I am. It’s ironic as I look back that people who made me feel suffocated made me angry. I didn’t want anything to do with “needy and clingy” people. I liked my freedom and being alone. It’s funny how I did similar things but I thought that it was different because my motives were not to control them, unlike those who tried to control me. All these years of trying to fit in haven’t really helped at all. I am more comfortable now with not fitting in. The more I discover about myself the more I see that I cannot fit in without sacrificing and losing myself.

It’s baffling being able to live as a person who is confident in a lot of ways, yet full of anxiety.

For many years I the used the wrong words to describe my feelings. I am feeling released being able to find my words now. I used the wrong scripts to express myself or to try to mix with the group. I felt wrong for liking being alone and I felt wrong for thinking all of my random thoughts. The truth is I still do feel these things. I still feel the sting of rejection. I still feel the isolation as I go out into social settings. The difference now is that I am truly starting to feel alright with it. Does it come with age? Does it come with answers? Does it come with acceptance? I am sure they all play a role in this. I think a lot of it has to do with me realizing that no one ever rejected me. They couldn’t have, they didn’t know me well enough. Really no one can reject us, they can only reject parts and if that is the case what does it matter?

Those who truly care will accept us as a whole.


 


Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/19/11

The Fitting In Method

I am pretty sure others may do the same methods of fitting in as myself, but they seem quite systematic. It’s like I have a check list in my mind and I check each one-off as I go. It started from grade school on, with every passing year and situation I would get better and faster. I would observe my situation, study people, see which people would be a good fit, watch those I should stay away from, decide who I liked and who I did not, begin to take on the identity I thought I should have. My methods were not always successful since I am not the greatest at reading people. I have observed that other people seem to be able to do this within seconds while I can take months. I usually based my decisions on people’s idiosyncrasies. At school, in some cases I was just a body, trying not to be seen. I just wanted the class to be over because I felt like I was closed in and suffocating, I skipped those classes often.

Other classes I felt fine after a while of observing.

When I started work I transferred to different stores quite a bit, every transfer I took several months to observe and get a groove. After a while, usually after people started asking me questions because I was alone reading, my personality would come out in bits. I still took on an identity, that was usually more of my goofy side so that I had control over what people laughed at. I am quite silly but as much as I am silly, I am serious. Sometimes my silliness is the only thing that saves me from being consumed in my thoughts. I realized from an early age that people do not like to talk about serious things. I found that my questions would get me in a load of trouble.

I especially found this with guys as I got older.

The way around that was to become their friends. I like guys as friends they make more sense a lot of the times to me but I am still a girl and would get confused by them often. I got confused by our relationships and what they meant, so did they. I have had very limited girl friends because I didn’t understand what they were doing half the time. They assumed that I knew and would misunderstand me quite often, they would think that I was being “catty” or even that I was trying to steal their man. The truth is I was able to talk their boyfriends much easier because there was no threat, since there was no relationship and I was usually more interested in what the guy was talking about. I can see now where that would make a person misread my motives.

Part of me trying to fit in involved me gathering information.

I consume information with my special interests and I consume information about people. Sometimes people are my special interests, it can be triggered by fears or confusion. Two of those would be my fixation on serial killers and TV evangelists. I can tell you virtually anything about any serial killer and TV evangelist. Odd? I know. Creepy? Maybe.

Please don’t be afraid, it is my way of trying to understand. :-)

When I let people in my life, I tend to fixate on them. I am much better at not doing this now, though I confess I might do it on occasion.(Especially when I am going through one of my loops.) I can seem very possessive and obsessive, I can see where I was a great deal with relationships. However, it wasn’t because I wanted to control them, I wanted to control me, my thoughts, my life. I studied my friends and I wanted them with me all the time. I needed them to be with me. If they changed in the slightest I was thrown and would get angry or hurt.

It is very hard to explain without sounding like a stalker.

There is no good way to describe what I am talking about because even though I wanted to be with them, I also wanted to be alone. I did the same thing in relationships with boyfriends and husbands. I needed to be around them all the time to study them but at a distance. It’s strange. I became who I thought they wanted. But normally the more I studied them the more I realized I couldn’t stand them because of their true character or that I could never fully be what they wanted. When I would realize this I would get hurt. It seemed that if I were to show any real part of me, I would be rejected. Maybe that was the fear talking. In one relationship I felt exposed completely without even saying anything and I felt rejected. Maybe that was the problem, I couldn’t get my words out.

I often felt that I shouldn’t act too smart.

Or I had to try to do everything to be pretty enough or fun enough to keep them. I would listen and watch how they responded to other girls and if they complemented or said something good about them I automatically thought that if I didn’t have the same things or look the same way that I wasn’t good enough. It is a strange situation because I wasn’t (not) really an insecure person and I was (am) quite independent but I would try so hard to keep them that I became insecure. In any kind of relationship, I found myself doing this.

I took on so many roles trying to be the “everything girl” with friends and male relationships.

It was too hard to keep up and I would have meltdowns/shutdowns. Usually cycling into a depression or a new fixation. I found a way to help my depression by submerging myself in my beliefs, mainly through prayer and listening to this new music to me, worship music. Since I was such a music lover I found ways to focus all of this energy into listening to worship music.

I felt that it made me feel happy and joyful.

But when I became a Christian, I ended up putting all of these rules on myself about what a Christian was supposed to look like and how I should live. I got rid of everything resembling my past life, in some cases that was good. I got confused though, it was hard for me to live the words the Christian environment was preaching, possibly how I interpreted the preachings. I naturally think people are good and I naturally thought that the teachings of Jesus were of acceptance. I was not hearing the same message and I thought that I was wrong. My feelings were founded on all of the past mistakes I had made with trusting the wrong people.

Continued in the next post to come Fitting In Not So Much.

 


 

 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/19/11

Faux Family Photos

I am feeling rather vulnerable and exposed for some reason so I am not able to post what I wanted to. I decided to share some photos that make me laugh, our faux family photos. I have this thing with making our family out of toys or um….anything I can turn into five body’s resembling us in some way. I am also quite good at having the kids create themselves out of various school projects or things. It is important to really “feel one” with what you are making….right? :-)

Here are a few, can you guess who is who?

 

Our Wii selves

 

And so we were clay

 

As a Funkey's Family

 

Just call us The Spuds

 

We are quite the diverse family.

 

The cat wanted to eat me!

 

The kids as Funkey's.

 

And they sang "Hippity Hop Bunny"

 

Lady Bug Kids

 

As Bugs

 

My Little Elephants

 

Yes, this is an actual sculpture I created out of dough.

Ok, I did not really make us out of dough, I know I had you all fooled. As I went through some of my photos I saw this one. It is one of my favorites of me and the kids. This was taken over a year ago. We all look the same from the back except the kids are taller and my hair is longer. :-) Egad! My backside is exposed! Well I guess my backside could pass for many other backsides, so I will not worry too much.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
05/18/11

Randomness Of Me

I am all over the place today! I have been writing about my childhood and what I call “The fitting in method” that has not worked by the way but it has been just a huge load of brain dumping on my part. I need to go back through those posts but they have been full of seriousness that has brought me full circle into my complete silly mode. I wrote this poem today to help shake that last bit of seriousness out. Have you heard the song Shake Your Sillies Out? That’s what I am doing only with the serious thoughts because they are starting to make me loop.

I thought I would help myself along by writing a post with the things that have randomly crossed my mind.

First I was thinking of poetry, as I was thinking of a certain picture image that made me think of Nick Cave, I have a strange obsession with him, it must be his quirkiness, which made me think of this The Cat Piano. Be warned you may feel pain  when watching this, I love the poem even though it is a hard story. Thinking of that reminded me of this Tim Minchin’s Storm. Another warning there is language and though I may not agree with all of what he has to say, I like the poem and I think it is very important to be a critical thinker and I thought it was good to hear someone else say that if I am wrong I am willing to change my mind kind of message.

And that made me think of Mr. Deity and the Skeptic.

I was then thinking of how some people get quite offended at things like these and I find myself not getting angry or offended. I am intrigued, I appreciate these things for their humor and for the way they challenge me to consider my faith and beliefs. It doesn’t waver my faith in God, in many ways it has made my foundations stronger because I have dismantled the things that others told me and found it on my own. I do not know why I feel the need to say all of that, possibly the lingering fear of rejection. Oh, great I got all serious again. I don’t want to!

From that moment I went into remembering “The Smolder“.

That’s right! We watched Tangled for the first time yesterday and I think it is one of my favorite Disney flicks ever. The Rapunzel character reminds me so much of Ariel that I laughed and laughed. I loved how they made the witch so passive-aggressive because I was able to teach the kids about mean jokes and how people use them to say mean things but then say “I was just kidding”.

After finding the smolder clip I found this awesome commercial “Smolder” By Flynn.

Ha ha ha I know I may be the only one understanding this post, it gives you a look into my brain on certain days. I just have to add that Ariel wore her stuffed chameleon on her head all night last night and David laughed and said “It’s like looking at you 30 years ago.” I said “30 years? More like the other day!” Ok, that is all I will share, sorry if I  have given you a headache or spun you in confusion.

Imagine what it’s like being me, I am trapped in my own silly random thoughts all day!

 


 


 

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
05/16/11

Is It Really Happening?

Over three years of trying everything I read about potty training. Trying rewards, schedules, bribes, reasoning and even creating new ideas like a “potty fan”. Finally, he did it! We are far from being completely potty trained but Daniel has been wearing real undies for a day and half now. He went in the potty all day yesterday, Sat. was the first time that he had ever actually used the potty. It has been a long hard process just to get there. We have had to take months off from even talking about a potty because it would send him into an aggressive state or a flat-out “No”, basically telling me that he would never use the potty. We haven’t even attempted “number 2″ yet. We’ll get there.

We just had to make it to the acceptance of using it at all, first.

I would like to say that I was so awesome that I came up with the perfect plan and it just flowed so grandly to the happy potty state that we have now. However, that is not true. It was a fluke! It was by chance that this has happened at all. I was pretty desperate, not knowing how long it was going to take my 6-year-old to use the potty. He can do first grade math but cannot use the potty. Try explaining that to people. :-/ It is true though that I have been working on training him for 3 years now. Possibly over 3 years, now that I think about it. We have had to take breaks like I said but it has been something we have continued to work on.

The most recent months I have been reading social stories to him and having him read them too.

We have been talking about it and trying to figure out what it is that makes it hard for him to use the potty. We would try, sit on it, stand by it, look at it. Nothing. He could not make the connection from his brain to his body part. BUT on Sat. we were at my mom’s house, I gave her our pool because the owners of our house (we rent) bought new grass so mom and I set up the pool for the summer over there. We went swimming and the rule is “You cannot pee in the pool.” The other rule at Grammy’s house is you cannot pee in the yard. I was so desperate at one point with the potty thing that I encouraged Daniel to pee in the back yard.

So after swimming all the kids peed in the yard.

I know that sounds horrible but it was very important for Daniel to connect the feeling of it coming it out. Sorry if this is too detailed. :-) I think it did help him, he only had the sensation of a diaper or pull up. ANYWAY, we had to get out of the pool quickly because a thunder-storm suddenly came up on us and we all ran in the house. I was drying off Daniel to get him dressed and he had a little trickle and I said “Oh, no do you need to go pee? You can’t pee on Grammy’s floor!” He said “Yes, I need to pee.” I said “Come on Boo let’s run to the potty, you can’t pee on Grammy’s floor!”  We got to the potty he was doing his business and I was hooting and hollering. “Yea! Daniel you are peeing in the potty! See you CAN do it!” Daniel was giggling and said “I did it! I did it! I peed on the potty! I can pee on the potty!”

I put real undies on him at that point.

I had extra because sometimes Joshua has accidents, thankfully I had them. One thing that I have definitely learned with the kids, is to bring everything, just pack it all up, the whole house because guaranteed the one thing you leave at home is the one thing they want. So I just use my shrink gun and pack it up before I leave, I wish! That happenstance moment was what he needed to connect that he CAN use the potty. Before he would try and try and nothing would happen. He realized that something could happen and all day yesterday he was connecting the sensation before he had to go, we did not have any accidents. It was so awesome to see how proud he was of himself.

I know this is just the beginning but this is a huge milestone that he accomplished.

It was the thing we needed to help him get the connection he needed. It is amazing how things just happen around here. All of the talking, trying, picking out underwear, trying charts, books, videos, social stories, he got it and understood but couldn’t do it. I know he has gotten very upset in the past that his body wasn’t working with him, he would cry and get angry and feel like he was doing something wrong. We would just explain to him that the “trying” was the great thing, we just keep trying and trying. We are not failures if we keep trying. It is a lesson that I have to remind myself a lot.

I am just so proud of him and happy for him having the ability to keep trying.

Wow! I still can’t believe it. It is like the bottle , it took what seemed to be forever but then one day it finally happened. I am hoping it goes as well as the giving up the bottle thing, however, I have to give myself some scripts and remember that it could be good and bad. I hate diapers but at least the mess is all contained and doesn’t get everywhere, I am kind of worried about the whole poo adventures we may have. I do not do well with any bodily function messes but I really do not do well with POO everywhere! I’ll deal with it, it’s not like everyone around here has mastered the potty, since Ariel and Joshua have sensory issues they are very particular about their booties getting clean so I still help them along. At least David and I are good. LOL!

The best part about all of this is Daniel being so proud of himself and seeing that it’s good to keep trying!


 

2 people like this post.
Unlike
Share