I really need to take a break from the computer but I cannot seem to pull away. I didn’t realize how much emotion I would feel having so many social networks sharing so much about autism awareness. It gets me thinking about all kinds of things and it brings a lot of mixed emotions. I tried to have words to write but I have too many words that are crashing together and not flowing, along with no words at all. It’s frustrating. I felt that I wanted to get this out because my mind is going round and round and is fixated. Right now the only way I am really able to express myself is through writing about the pictures that are like Polaroids flashing in my mind. I also have my life playing like a movie over and over again and I am hoping that by writing this it will help me to stop fixating. So this is what came out.
Autism to Me
The light that shines in my darkness.
The answers that healed my heart.
The frustrations of not understanding.
Discovering that my mom and I just misunderstood each other throughout my life.
The joy of being able to have freedom.
The day he finally spoke.
When I scream at the top of my lungs.
The time I danced and leaped because he used finger paint.
The time he flipped out in the store and all the people stared,
I carried him to the car and cried.
The time he flipped out at the checkout,
the cashier and people behind us glared, AND I no longer cared.
The smile that woke me up this morning.
My daily struggle with anxiety.
My very loud laughter when I am not supposed to laugh.
Me laughing with my kids when they are laughing….and they are not supposed to laugh.
Us going out in public in whatever we want to wear!
Me bringing specific foods for each of us so we can participate in society.
Painful feelings of isolation.
Exuberant feelings of relief.
Hours in the bath tub.
Being terrified of the phone.
Having sleepless nights.
Being afraid and not knowing why.
Needing comfort and not knowing how to get it.
Longing to be with people but not know what to say or when to say something.
Not wanting to be around people at all!
Being happy being alone at times.
Seeing things that other people never see.
Saying the things people want to say but never do.
Staring blankly but thinking many things.
A mind that never stops.
Having batteries, fans, typewriters, recorders, and cameras as toys.
Collecting many, many things.
Jumping, running, pounding, clanging, pouncing and spinning.
Not wanting a hug but needing one to find calm.
Crying because writing is too hard.
Screaming when shampoo is put on their hair.
Walking out in front of cars because he is so desperate to get away from something.
Listening to hours of talking about fans, Lego’s, animals, games and social situations.
Learning new teaching techniques and therapies, to finally find the ONE.
Realizing that there is no just ONE.
Discovering that people do not think the way I do.
Learning social scripts by writing social stories for my kids.
Anxiety, fear, joy, laughter, pain, goodness, something new almost every day.
My whole life.
Everyday, my past, my present and my future.