Trying To Stop My Loop

I really need to take a break from the computer but I cannot seem to pull away. I didn’t realize how much emotion I would feel having so many social networks sharing so much about autism awareness. It gets me thinking about all kinds of things and it brings a lot of mixed emotions. I tried to have words to write but I have too many words that are crashing together and not flowing, along with no words at all. It’s frustrating. I felt that I wanted to get this out because my mind is going round and round and is fixated. Right now the only way I am really able to express myself is through writing about the pictures that are like Polaroids flashing in my mind. I also have my life playing like a movie over and over again and I am hoping that by writing this it will help me to stop fixating. :-) So this is what came out.

Autism to Me

The light that shines in my darkness.

The answers that healed my heart.

The frustrations of not understanding.

Discovering that my mom and I just misunderstood each other throughout my life.

The joy of being able to have freedom.

The day he finally spoke.

When I scream at the top of my lungs.

The time I danced and leaped because he used finger paint.

The time he flipped out in the store and all the people stared,

I carried him to the car and cried.

The time he flipped out at the checkout,

the cashier and people behind us glared, AND I no longer cared.

The smile that woke me up this morning.

My daily struggle with anxiety.

My very loud laughter when I am not supposed to laugh.

Me laughing with my kids when they are laughing….and they are not supposed to laugh.

Us going out in public in whatever we want to wear!

Me bringing specific foods for each of us so we can participate in society.

Painful feelings of isolation.

Exuberant feelings of relief.

Hours in the bath tub.

Being terrified of the phone.

Having sleepless nights.

Being afraid and not knowing why.

Needing comfort and not knowing how to get it.

Longing to be with people but not know what to say or when to say something.

Not wanting to be around people at all!

Being happy being alone at times.

Seeing things that other people never see.

Saying the things people want to say but never do.

Staring blankly but thinking many things.

A mind that never stops.

Having batteries, fans, typewriters, recorders, and cameras as toys.

Collecting many, many things.

Organizing things.

Dumping things.

Jumping, running, pounding, clanging, pouncing and spinning.

Not wanting a hug but needing one to find calm.

Crying because writing is too hard.

Screaming when shampoo is put on their hair.

Walking out in front of cars because he is so desperate to get away from something.

Listening to hours of talking about fans, Lego’s, animals, games and social situations.

Learning new teaching techniques and therapies, to finally find the ONE.

Realizing that there is no just ONE.

Discovering that people do not think the way I do.

Learning social scripts by writing social stories for my kids.

Anxiety, fear, joy, laughter, pain, goodness, something new almost every day.

My whole life.

Everyday, my past, my present and my future.


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10 thoughts on “Trying To Stop My Loop

  1. Alienhippy

    Hello lovely,
    I was just about to go to bed, it’s 12:20am here, then your notification came through and how could I shutdown my computer with that title looking at me.

    I know exactly how you are feeling my friend and it will pass…do you hear me…”IT WILL PASS!!!”

    You’re a poet Angel, so I’m passing on something I have to do to clear out my loops.
    Free flow, you’ve already started it, but now try it to music.
    The music you need to calm and connect with, this semms to realease what’s going on and make sense of mixed up misplaced emotion.

    Here is a link, this has some music on it and another link to an explanation on free flow.

    The other thing I have to do is stop myself reading anything that starts the questioning. Most of the time my dyslexia will help me with this. Anything negative or puzzling…DO NOT READ IT!!!

    It will stay in your head and mix up your emotions, you won’t get where they are coming from. They need replacing in their rightful place. It can take days to filter and process this jumble, so avoid it, you have to be disciplined with this. No amount of curiousity is worth it. Just read what will build you up.

    I hope this all makes sense my friend. Praying for this to pass quickly.
    Love, hugs, blessing and peace to you my dear friend.
    Lisa. xxx :)

  2. Angel Post author

    I left a comment on your post but I wanted to say thanks for the reminder to stay away from reading things that get me sucked in.

    I especially get sucked into reading things that confuse me or I do not understand the tone. I want desperately to understand and it causes me more confusion and which causes me to go into a seeking mode.

    I will start reading more and more then that process causes even more chaos and confusion! So mental note: I need big letters flashing in my head when I begin to read anything that has that feel: DO NOT READ IT!!!


  3. Bruce

    Angel, thanks for this. It was good to read this and realize that I could put check marks beside so many items! It was like having a tour of my mind.
    Great minds think alike! :)

  4. Bruce


    “…It can take days to filter and process this jumble, so avoid it, you have to be disciplined with this. No amount of curiosity is worth it. Just read what will build you up.”

    Thanks for this good reminder. My curiosity can drag me all over the internet and YouTube, and all the contradictory opinions can leave me so confused and drained!

  5. Angel Post author

    It is SO comforting to know that I am not alone!

    I am still stuck in a loop and trying to stop but for some reason once I get over one another starts. I am hoping it is all just from stressors of this week and after today it will pass.

    I am am having to limit my blog reading because I keep getting sucked in. Loopy loopy loopy :-)

  6. Aspergirl Maybe

    I am just now catching up on several days of posts and can relate so much to this. I have been more overwhelmed by it all this year than ever before, not sure if that’s because it’s just a stressful time right now or because of how much personal exploration I’ve been doing lately.

    It feels so good to finally be relaxed enough to read and comment on what other people have been writing. Glad there are some really good things in your list along with the difficult ones. Bless you!

  7. Angel Post author

    I am so glad that you have been able to read and come back to bloggyland! Welcome back! :-)

  8. Angel Post author

    Hello Leesy-loo!!

    Love you too!! Thank you for stopping by. :-) Flutter, flutter, flutter… hee hee

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