Monthly Archives: April 2011

04/30/11

Not Happening

There are several things that I can guarantee will not be happening in this house. Such as a phone downstairs, a birthday party with tons of kids anytime soon, whole wheat crackers, or a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston (Nothing against her, I just don’t care for her movies.) playing in the background. Those things will not be happening but most of all what will not be happening is this! PrincessHairstlyes.com

The title alone does not bode well in this house.

Not that we have any judgements against the whole girly hair thing but it just doesn’t happen very well in this house. We can get all dolled up and as pretty as the rest of the girls but those moments are not that often because Ariel and I both are barefoot or boot kind of girls and we wear pants under our princess dresses. As for the Taylor Swift updos, who is Taylor Swift? Just kidding, but really I do not pay any attention to celebrities unless they are odd or unique. I have a special fondness for Kevin Spacey. Whenever a famous person is on TV or we see the magazines in the check out lane, Ariel always notices their eyebrows, (My gene) asks things like “Why are they wearing that lip stuff, it’s too dark for them?” Or “They need to pull their shirt up, their boobies are hanging out.” with a parental type of look to me, as if I am supposed to tell them.

Ariel hates anything in her hair.

She will not let me brush it, it hurts too much. She has long hair that is thankfully thin, so it naturally doesn’t get tangles too much. However, it does on occasion and I have to use a whole bottle of detangler on it. I even had to cut off a chunk in the back one time, it got pretty bad. It wasn’t noticeable though. When I watched the video I linked to, I was amazed how the little girl sat there, she didn’t complain, scream, say “Ow, ow, ow” and she seemed to enjoy herself. I do not think that this will be the fate of this household. I am lucky to get Ariel to wear a pony tail, the one she can handle the best is the braided piggy tails but most days it is just long, blonde, flowing, locks covering my beautiful little monkey princess’s face. She prefers to be an animal princess, she will pretend to be Mermaid Ariel while in the bath but not when she has feet.

FYI, she wasn’t named after Mermaid Ariel.

I was prompted by inspiration from it being another name for the city of Jerusalem in the Old Testament. After learning that, I looked up the Hebrew meaning and discovered other things like Shakespeare used it as the name of a spirit in his play ‘The Tempest’ (I couldn’t believe I forgot that, it must have been stored in my brain for baby names.), and one of the moons of Uranus is named Ariel, in Shakespeare’s honour. Also that the Hebrew meaning is “lion of God” which may explain why she likes to pretend that she is a lion and has since she was a baby. I do not remember telling her what her name meant until the other day when she asked if she was named after Mermaid Ariel. I guess this could explain her mane as well, I mean what lion is out there brushing their mane?

I see this post is all over the place!

So basically I guess the point of all of this is that Ariel and I are not the kind of kid or mother who will be doing the hair thing but you can find us catching frogs, swimming all day, wearing dresses but they are accompanied with shorts or pants and quite possibly barefooted or with monkey boots, myself will be wearing black converse. We think that it’s great that other mom’s and daughters have that special bonding but ours looks quite different and it makes it much easier to run around since we don’t have to worry about whether our is going to fall or not. It reminds me of one of our favorite books The Paper bag Princess. 

Here is the long version on Youtube.

The Paper bag Princess Part 1

The Paper bag Princess Part II


 

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04/29/11

I’m Preposterous, Really

Ok, before I get into this post, please understand that it is in light humor and I mean no offense or see any credibility in my reasoning, hence the title. However, I think that it is humorous the way I think and I am writing it. Since I started to understand what autism spectrum meant and the different autistic traits and different sensory issues there are as well, I have been known to say to David “I am more on the spectrum than you!” “You can’t possibly understand what I am experiencing, since I show more traits.” or “My sensory issues are worse than yours.”. Like many of my ridiculous outbursts such as these, they have turned into our own jokes.

Doing this helps me to gain perspective.

In the past my meltdowns have been extreme and my rigid thinking has caused me to either think everyone can read my mind and know everything I am thinking, so why are they doing something they know will upset me? Or it has caused me to go in the opposite direction and I think no one can possibly know what I am thinking or feeling and they never will! Both of these are extremes that caused a lot of pain for me and others in my life. With David I really haven’t been able to have meltdowns about this because he has a way of looking at me or reasoning with me that no one else has been able to do. Since he is able to communicate with me in a way that will help my extremes be revealed, it has exposed how funny they are. I mean really is it necessary for me to get so upset at how he folds towels?

Do the towels really need to be lined up in a perfect pattern, so they look very nice and neat?

Yes, they do! But now I see how silly it is for me to get upset about that, also before I thought people were folding them wrong on purpose to make me upset. How ridiculous is that? Thanks to David, I see that it really is not that big of deal. Although, it is a big enough deal to me that now only I do the laundry. I have a thing about the laundry. I know, I know. But at least I see that he is not trying to upset me and that in the big scheme of things it is ok, if the towels do not get folded to the exact. That sounds a bit OCD but to be honest I like the patterns, the flow of them and the way they are all the same size.

Back to topic.

So with David, the truth is every quiz or going over some of Daniel’s questionnaires, he ranks pretty close to me with AS traits. I have some serious sensory issues with clothes, food textures, smells, sounds, certain lights and temperatures, just to name a few. But that does not nullify all what David experiences sensory wise. I continually need to work on remembering this. I tend to think that since I am getting overloaded that no one else is. I forget how sounds and textures can affect him. I am pretty good at acknowledging this with the kids but if I am completely overloaded, I do find it hard sometimes to understand why Joshua is screaming that a drop of water is on his face, Ariel is on the floor rocking with her hands over her ears or that Daniel is walking the perimeter of the house with a car on the wall, making a horrendous scraping sound. It seems I should be quite in tune with what is going on but the reality is I have shut down and I am stimming myself.

I forget that David and I are quite compatible because we do think so much a like.

We have our own opinions and ideas but we tend to reason and discuss a lot with each other. We do not always agree, which I also tend to forget and when it is revealed I have a moment of shock. I quickly get on and we discuss why we do not agree. All of this is from years of us just talking, challenging one another and growing with each other. I still forget that David has his own social anxieties and that we share similar anxieties like talking on the phone or going to a new place. I forget because he loves me so much that he does it for me, he has to do conference calls for work so he has to force himself to talk on the phone. I only remember that he has a phone problem when he does have a conference call because he is all out of whack. I get confused by his behavior, he gets antsy, spazzy, anxious, and talking non-stop about his special interests. I then ask him “What is wrong with you?” Discovering that he has a call and the entire day will be waste for him.

The energy that he uses to talk takes everything out of him.

There are many things like that for him. I see where I get absorbed in my own world and forget that he is even affected by anything or even the same things because his responses do not look like mine. When it comes to social situations, I have always said “Well you understand much better what is happening.” He is able to explain things to me going on in the movies or when we are in a social situation. I have discovered that it is not because he understands it, it is because he has studied the patterns of people’s behavior. He took classes and read books to try to understand human behavior while in school. The only difference between us is that David has a whole arsenal of social scripts that I never gained because of my limited life style.

He has been exposed to many types of people and social situations.

He has older brothers, I am an only child until 10yr olds (actually 11 yrs old in the house). As a child his parents moved a lot and he was forced to socialize and encounter new people. I lived in the same city until I was 18 years old, with only two moves once into a new trailer in the same spot and once into my grandparents house. My mom and grandparents switched homes. So it was all familiar to me, my entire life.

He went to various schools.

He took college course during high school, while living in CA which exposed him to all types of people. I lived in a medium-sized mid-western town, everyone practically knew everyone. I went to the same grade school, middle school and high school the whole time. The same people and same environment. No diversity there. He went to graduate school which exposed him to all kinds of people and situations. He was able to travel Europe with his ex-wife for several months and had gone to The Netherlands to work for several weeks. I only had a trip to Sweden, my employment experience and church experience.

While I have many scripts they are not as diverse and multiple as David’s.

There are many things that David experiences as well as I do socially, in our thinking, our special interests, our loops, our anxieties and our sensory issues that I just forget about. I seem to think that he has it all together because he is working and writing about cool things, he is talking to people, he seems so confident and capable, while I feel so lacking in my abilities to cope. I get so easily overloaded and confused.

The problem is that he does as well.

I am incapable of reading him properly most of the times. His overloaded doesn’t look like mine so I think he is fine. His anger doesn’t look like mine so I think he is angry, when he is not. His sadness doesn’t look like mine, so I never know when he is sad. His need for touching and hugging confuses me so I don’t understand that he just needs a hug. We get each others humor though, most of the time. Even though our humor is different a lot of the time, we are able to laugh together and we are able to talk to each other openly. We have enough commonality that it makes us compatible and enjoy our differences and sameness. I just need to work on being more aware of his issues and acknowledge that he does have them as well. I think writing this all out is helping me see more and that is a good thing.

He is able to get past me being preposterous….most days and that is a gift. :-)


 

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04/26/11

Layers

I see myself as a person with many layers. I have layers of my past, present and future. The layers are revealed with time, either discarded, revived or an exciting new adventure. I think of humans and I feel like everyone is like that. Although, I am feeling that possibly I am wrong. Maybe there are only certain people who have layers, maybe the layers I have thought to exist do not, maybe people are just who they are and that is that. I don’t know, but I feel like there are a certain type of people that I fall into that are people who are unwilling to settle with being covered in layers. It is unsettling to think this is all to me. It is very frustrating to think that I could not learn any more, change my views, discover new thoughts and ideas, no growth is a huge fear in my life.

What if I am the same forever and ever?

In past relationships, they have failed for many reasons but a huge one that I could not get past no matter how nice or mean they were, was getting to a stalemate. We were simply no longer able to move forward in the relationship. Once I discover their layers seem to be done or actually they seem to be refusing to peel off anymore layers to grow, I can’t stay. I cannot watch a person with great potential sit and become stale and settled.

Maybe it is a huge fault on my part but I simply can’t.

It infuriates me to watch someone waste their brain or life. I have no problem with relaxing or being settled with who they are, it’s the “I am done growing thing” that bothers me. The “I have reached my capacity!” or “I have arrived” attitude that bothers me. I confess though, I am hanging on to my theory that people do have many layers and the longer you know them, the more their layers are revealed. I cannot fathom a person not having anymore to them than what they share on the surface.

We can never arrive because there is so much to learn.

I expose myself quite a bit and it bothers people. I speak candidly about my fears, failures, anxiety and things that I need to change. I do this because I do not realize that I am doing it, things just come flying out of my mouth sometimes. I also speak freely about what I am good at and I have discovered that people do not like either of these things which has caused a great deal of shut downs and anxiety on my part.

Not because I feel I have done something wrong.

It is because I do not feel bad for not feeling like I have done something wrong. I do not have guilt or shame sharing with such openness and others seem to think that I should. I don’t. The guilt and shame come from not understanding what I did wrong. Quite frankly I cannot stand keeping layers on when I discover that I am hiding behind one. I have to rip it off, it is like I can physically feel it hindering me and if I leave it on I become depressed and angry. It feels like the sensation of having marshmallow on my hands. I hate it! It is sticky and yucky and it feels like it will never come off so I have to run my hands under hot water and use a ton of soap. Get it off!

I do not understand why others do not do this.

I am not suggesting they do it like my extremity, in the past I have been aggressive about people doing it like me but I have learned not everyone handles things the way I do. I think the main issue is their inconsistency, they say they want to change and grow but when faced with it they do not. I don’t understand why you want to leave these layers of things that can help you or destroy you. Why not lift them off and release them into the wind or hold on to them like a mural in your mind. But just when I feel satisfied with the openness and the readiness to change, I get scared and feel exposed. Why?

Why do we continue to keep hold of layers that seem so thick?

When exposed they can actually be revealed to be clear and light like an onion skin. Shouldn’t we be peeling away the layers with tears of laughter and tears of pain? I am just ranting really, this is triggered by feeling that push for conformity. I know that sometimes the layers are just too painful and feel like they have been there so long that they will not come off. But I am a “rip off the band-aid” kind of person most of the time. That can cause me not to be sympathetic to others when I should be but I expect them to be sympathetic to me. And there you go, I have just revealed a layer of myself that I need to work on.

Or maybe I should stop studying onions……


 

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04/23/11

Barbie and Ken Are Alive?!

Ariel had requested a Ken doll because she does not have enough boys for her Princess dolls. Now she doesn’t “play” with them, she dresses them, undresses them, places them in settings of her doll house, rearranges them and lines them up after she is finished “playing”. Or she will get her books and set them to the scenes in the Disney movies. However, she requested him and has never asked for one, since Target was having a sale on them we got her a cheap Ken and Barbie.

Back track to two days ago, I let the kids watch Toy Story 3 again.

Cue this morning, I brought out the Ken and Barbie and Daniel wanted to know what they were, he was looking at them in a strange way. Not thinking I said “It is Ken and Barbie, like in Toy Story 3″. You could see the blood rush out of his face and he let go of it very quickly. I saw a bit of panic in his face as he asked “Do they move?” Realizing what had just gone through his mind, I told him that they will not come alive like in the movie. He was not convinced. I opened the packages for him and let him hold them and look at them. He then asked “Will they move by them self?” and I told him no.  He then asked “Why they not move by them self?”

We had a morning of explaining that the movie wasn’t real.

We talked about how the dolls will not come alive later. He didn’t freak out he just had a moment like “Holy crap! Toy Story is real!” All is well but David and I had a hard time trying not to laugh. Finally, I couldn’t help myself. It was funny, Daniel of course didn’t think I was laughing at him, by that time he was long gone processing the whole thing. I can relate so much to his experience, people have said things like that to me and freaked me out. I really thought my stuffed animals were real for a while. Someone told me that they were real or I read a story, maybe Pinocchio did it. Things like that should not be said us and I should know better. But I forget! My dad is going to be shipping my Barbie collection back to me in a few weeks and it is huge. I can’t image what would have gone through Daniel’s mind seeing over a 100 Barbie’s in their boxes invading our home!

I am glad this is all cleared up. :-)


 

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04/22/11

Faith (Poem)

I have this on my poetry blog as well but I felt like sharing it here also. I think faith is more than a religious term and can be the thing that keeps us going, well faith, hope and love all are powerful things in one’s life. If we feel that we have lost one of them it can lead down a path of feeling alone, lost and desperate.

Faith

It’s hard to hold on to you some days,
To grab hold of your firm and rugged face.

~

I hear of others, who keep you so close,
Am I the one who wavers the most?

~

My life has been spent seeking you out,
When I find you, I shake all about.

~

Afraid I will lose you, Excited to have you,
The Mystery that surrounds you,
The stories told about you.

~

And just as I walk away from your grasp,
You pull me back in with a whisper or glance.

~

My Faith how you rise, Light up my dreams,
Unfold your majesty, unwrap your schemes.

~

Let it flail and flap all about,
In my darkest of days, I can’t smite you out.

~

Now I wonder are you really there,
Tickling my face, stroking my hair?

~

Or did you escape me once again,
Lost in the midst of unspoken sin?

~

I wake and I slumber in your pages of life,
I sit and wonder, Can I keep up this fight?

~

Faith you have called me, Kept me to you,
Just when I feel I lost you, you come breaking through.


 

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04/21/11

Song and Picture Day

I am not up for talking or writing today. Bubble obsessions, hot weather and Negative Nelly’s (including myself) have gotten to me. I did want to share our anthem for the day. According to David this is our family song, I do believe I may just agree with him. :-)

You can listen here: Sensitive

(Fly: Into The World of Autism/About Page)

I am not sure what my feelings are about the cd but I can see good from it so what does it matter if I have mixed emotions. I can’t even be clear about what my feelings are, so I will just let it go. :-)

And some pictures but of course!

(My dinosaur names may be wrong, I’m just sayin’.)

Adding this video too, a beautiful song The Girl Inside~Autism Song


 


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04/19/11

Get Over It!

It is not easy for me to get over anything, depending on what “it” is, I can take years to “get over it”, only to discover some trigger will recreate the entire thing again. I have discovered though, that sometimes I am actually over it but I just have so many sensory issues and visuals connected to it that I relive it all over again. I feel the emotions and whatever else was going on at the time. I will even recall what I was wearing and the music I was listening to or movie I was watching. Other times I can be over something after I slam a door. Or if I have some sort of outburst that makes me start laughing at my ridiculous response to something so trivial. Regardless, I feel it and in that moment it is real and hard.

Growing up I was not allowed to express my feelings about confusion.

I annoyed my mom so much with my many questions. She would often be so overloaded by my constant chatter and insistence on answers that she would just reply with “Be quiet!” or “Go to your room, please! I need quiet!”. I can relate now that I am a mother, although I do not normally say things like that. I will say that “I need a break from questions and wait until later because I am overloaded.”, sometimes it works most times it does not. :-)   When it came (comes) to social situations my mom has virtually no patience what’s so ever. There were many times I would come home confused and hurt by what my peers or teachers had said or done to me and she would not understand why I even cared about it.

Often I was told “Just get over it”.

She also told me things like “Who cares what they say, you don’t need friends.” She has an AS trait where she is often very happy being alone. She really enjoys her alone time and always has. She loves us and her grand-babies very much but it has to be in small doses. I understand that and I am fine with it, it doesn’t hurt my feelings in the least. The kids get enough connection with her and it is all positive. When we first moved here, my mom pushed herself to be around us a lot. It was too stressful for all of us. I got overwhelmed and so did she. We are good once a week, a few hours at a time and a little extra during holidays and vacation time. I am a bit more social than my mom though.

I always have been and she has recognized this in me.

While growing up she did make sure that I had more social activities because if I didn’t I would start to get depressed. I normally got social fixes while camping with my grandparents, while I was able to take dance classes, going to my mom’s friend’s house and visiting my father. As long as I could do some of those things I was good. However, if my mom went into isolation mode or we were stuck in the house because of weather, I was depressed and bouncing off the walls at the same time. My way of fixing my sad feelings, then and still now at times is to dance, bounce and do gymnastics. I did leaps and flips in our two bedroom trailer home, flips off of the couch, I hung upside down and played jump rope with one end tied to the door knob and me holding the other end. My mom’s way of calming down was and still is, a lot of the times, to sit and watch black and white movies or read a book.

I didn’t help her calm down.

I also didn’t help her by my many social questions. She doesn’t care about social things or issues most of the time, she does have her days though. In my life I have become obsessed with people. I mean completely fixated and unable to stop thinking about them  or our interactions if I have had an encounter that I do not understand. The reason why I brought up my “hyper” behavior is because it can be linked to my social confusion as well. I still do this to some degree, but as a child I had no way of expressing my confusion, hurt or joy about relationships. My obsessions with people would cause me to get hyper and unable to control myself. I needed to know what I did wrong or right for that matter. If I got a new friend I was out of control excited, if I lost a friend or they did something that was mean I would be out of control because I was confused. I had no way of telling my mom what I was going through other than being “out of control”. I did this every time I came home from visiting my dad and step-mom, not only were there changes in my routine, but diet and serious social confusion. My mom said it would take me at least three days to get back to my “normal”.

This always led me to trying to explain what I was feeling.

I was never able to do it in a way that my mom understood. When I was an adult, in my early 20′s, my dad had said and done some things that caused me great pain and confusion. I didn’t want to talk to him for a long period in my life, actually from my early teens until mid-20′s. There is a huge history there but when I tried to express anything about it my mom would tell me to “Just stop talking to him” and “Don’t listen to him”. She would ask me “Why do you get so upset?” and ” Why do you let him bother me so much?”. Her answer to many relationships was to cut them off. Be done with them, many relationships she literally has no memory of. If she doesn’t like someone, or they did something she doesn’t like, she erases them from existence. My grandmother does the same thing if you cross her.

My mom has told many people that she is not a good friend.

She will tell them “If you want to be my friend, you need to know that I will not call you, answer the phone, go out very much or be sympathetic to your feelings”. She has told people that they do not want to be her friend. However, the truth is she is devoted, loving, truthful and very caring. That is why people look past her other issues and work around them to stay in touch with her. I have a hard time expressing my limitations and knowing who makes a good friend for me and vice versa. I genuinely like people, I like talking to them, socializing to some extent, I enjoy helping people and being there for them. My longing to be a friend sets me up for people who are manipulators and I have to be cautious. When people have abused our friendship, I cannot just get over it. When I am confused by them or I have offended them without intending to, I cannot just get over it. I fixate on it and try to make it right. I have gotten much better at this with age. Although I am still learning.

At least now I am aware that I need limitations in relationships.

I am very happy with my few friends and I feel perfectly fine with it. I get a lot of social interactions online and I enjoy that much more than in real life with many people. It is much easier to get over things that I deal with online, if I am confused, I am not pressured to see that person and I have time to process and work through it. With physical relationships it is too hard and fills me with anxiety. I guess I am writing about this because something triggered it and brought back memories, plus my mom said something like “I don’t understand why you need people” or something to that effect. It made me think of all those times I could not “get over it” and felt wrong. Plain wrong in my thinking and wrong in how I dealt with things. I see now I don’t have to get over it, I can work through it the way I need to.

Doing it my way helps me to truly “get over it”.


 

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04/17/11

Awkward Reading Style

I have some pretty strange ways of reading. I love to read, I believe this came from my mom who also loves to read. When we moved to Germany, my dad was not able to be around a lot and my mom had to find ways to entertain herself and her VERY active baby, me! She started reading to me then, she read children’s books and her books. As I grew older, she continued to read to me and when her and my father divorced we had regular evenings of reading in bed together. Every night she would read me books, have me read to her and would have me read a new word from my children’s dictionary, along with the definition to gain comprehension.

I had a hard time reading words because they would dance.

I still have this problem if I have too much going on in my brain or I do not understand what I am reading. When I see the words or letters dance, it causes me a lot of confusion. I also see letters and words in colors, if I am unable to focus on the subject matter, the colors start to take over and look like dancing rainbows all over the page. I understand this to be some sort of Synesthesia, I am not aware if others have problems reading because of this. I would be interested in knowing about that. I also see music in color and other sounds in color, they look like streams and waves, I taste colors, I feel colors, such as if a shirt has too many colors on it, I can feel it on my skin and I have to take it off, and I see numbers in color. However, I do not have specific colors for months or specific dates, usually.

Something like this.

These factors all play a role in my reading.

Since I have so many things associated with color, as I read I will experience all of my senses because as I read, it is like a movie playing in my mind with a full sensory experience. This is why I stay with more educational or non-fiction based books, if I don’t I can get sucked into a world of fiction and have problems discerning reality. All of my senses get mixed up. This brings me to one of my awkward reading styles, I will read from bottom to top. I have read the last chapters of fiction books, then start at the beginning to help me keep reality or to help me focus. I can get anxiety from the anticipation of the ending of the book. I sometimes read whole words backwards and have on occasion read right to left instead of left to right.

I will start from bottom to top to help me focus.

While reading an article or a blog post, if the letters are dancing and I have tried reading out loud, and I am still not able to focus, if I start at the last paragraph I am able to read it without a problem. I will read going up with the last thing I read being the first paragraph and I am able to comprehend better what I am reading. I have helped myself get through books by reading out loud a lot. I read out loud often, especially educational books.

It is like a type writer in my mind.

I say all of the words out loud, it’s like they are typed out in my mind, then I go back and I am able to read it silently and comprehend what I have read. I have learned to do this quickly. If I plan on reading, on some days it has to be quiet, on other days I can easily to sink into my own world, even if the kids are running around, the TV is on or music is playing. I save all of my main reading for night while the kids are in bed though. It is quiet and dark and I can focus. However, everything is contingent on my sensory input and balance.

I am not sure if anyone else does this or if I am just a freaky reader.

I have not read where this is a learning disability of some sort, but I really haven’t looked for it. I actually just paid attention to the fact that I was doing this while reading blog post, I then realized how I have done this my whole life. If I am overwhelmed by my sensory input, I have a very hard time reading. In school this was a huge problem, I could read the words but not be able to comprehend until later. In the right setting I can read and comprehend but in the wrong setting I get overwhelmed and have had meltdowns.

Especially when people in authority or my peers mocked me.

I would be deemed an “air head” or a “space case”. I can handle that for me being goofy or silly but not when I am trying so hard to do well at reading and comprehending something, while consumed with social anxiety and sensory issues. I have the additional issue of seeing in color and processing in pictures so my mind will read and see visions before I have the time to understand if that is the correct image or not. So I wonder does anyone else have these types of issues?

I guess it is something for me to research. :-/ Please share if you do! :-)

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04/14/11

Supersensitive

I am in one of my supersensitive cycles. I usually take precautions to ensure that I do not read certain things or see certain things that can cause me to go from being my regular sensitive to SUPERSESITIVE. For several days I have been feeling it and when I do, I know that I need to take breaks and often. I will usually workout or listen to happy music or really focus on school lessons, anything to keep me preoccupied. It started with reading so many stories from parents during the beginning of April for Autism Awareness month. I felt myself teetering into moments of extreme hurt, rage, happiness, joy and ultimately confusion.

I was doing pretty well getting out of the constant chaos in my head.

I still was careful about what I watched, read and listened to but I still felt that any moment the heartache or the crying for whatever reason would just attack me. It just comes. When I am like this I feel others emotions in a most extreme way, I normally “feel” them any way but it will not affect me in such extremes. I am able to place a protective wall up and block it so to speak. This is a learned thing that I have had to do in order to protect my mental state. When I am feeling this supersensitivity I am unable to do it. I just can’t control it.

Everything crashed hard on me yesterday.

And today I am in a fragile state, feeling the lingering state of emotions that I cannot shake. This has been progressing throughout the month, then there were several posts I read recently that sent a surge of emotions, then I read a newspaper story that I shouldn’t have, AND yesterday in the mail Ariel received a package from PetaKids. I have no idea how it was sent to her, somehow I must have signed up for something by accident or I don’t know they got her name from a mailing list somehow. I think there are some good things that can be taught from their view point so I decided to let her read them.

I respect Peta’s choices and their views, even if I do not agree with them fully.

I have a problem with their scare tactics and imagery that in the past I was not prepared for. I do think that it is important to respect animals and the way they are treated but I also think there are better ways to get a message across. That being said, I went through the magazine and comic books they sent before I gave them to Ariel. I missed one “A Rat’s Life” (I think that was the title.). She later came to me with the book opened and asked me “What do these pictures mean?” and ‘I read it but I do not understand, it makes me feel upset.” I looked at these cartoon pictures and lost it. I tried very hard not to cry, I was overwhelmed with the images and I couldn’t get them out of my head or stop the feelings of what the animals were going through.

David had to explain to her what it all meant and later I was able to chime in a little bit.

I am very glad that David has actual experience in labs and explain things to her about it. I am still having a hard time emotionally because of all of these things but that one sent me over. I am now in a shaky state. I can feel my heart hurting for what seems to be no reason and I am vulnerable. This is a time where I am completely unable to cope with arguments or people having debates. I am unable to process those things when I am like this. I am unable to watch movies based on people or real events because I will feel it. I will live it in my head. I cannot watch, read, or listen to anything that has a slight hint of sad or anger because I have no idea how to process it.

It seems silly to say that cartoon images could make one go into an emotional frenzy.

I know that it wasn’t just that, I had the other emotions of not protecting Ariel, knowing better and still missing it. Thankfully she is a logical little girl and is able to process it and let it go. She is in a different place right and isn’t very sensitive, that can change in a moment. :-) She understood the explanations of lab rats and animals and the way that some places and people use “scare” tactics to get their message across. That goes for any group, I am not just pointing them out, they just happened to send the package. She understood that we feel bad about those things but there can be better ways to get our messages across, especially to children. She understood and that is good but I am in a serious state of supersensitivity!

All I can do is watch silly movies, videos and play with the kids to shake this, off I go!!


 

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04/12/11

Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

Since I cannot get anything to come out properly and I am not making any sense in my writing, I add to the confusion to this world and present “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins- Leonard Nimoy”.

Yes, it happened and if you have not experienced it you must! Plus I would feel much better knowing that others have this song trapped in their mind playing over and over again with me. :-) And I apologize as well for being so selfish…..Bilbo Biblo Baggins bravest little hobbit of the all…everyone!

Ballad of Bilbo Baggins Uncut Version

Ballad of Bilbo Baggins In Color!


 

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