I hadn’t really noticed much that I lost my laugh a while ago, but in the past week I have felt myself feeling much more like the “old” Angel. The me that I was when I lived by myself , the moments when I would talk to myself or Jesus constantly with no hindrance or anxiety. I think it’s normal for people to talk to themselves, I don’t know how to describe it the right way. I have always talked to myself and made myself laugh. It could be that since I was an only child for long, I learned to entertain myself. Could be the reason. I have a loud belly laugh, sometimes a giggle, and sometimes a quiet, mouth open, body moving laugh. An occasional snort as well. A laugh that I have most times out in public is the one “HA!” busting out and then an immediate hand over my mouth because I know that I am loud.
I know this from years of people telling me.
My laugh has always been contagious though, for some reason when I start laughing others do to. The other night I was at a coffee shop with my one friend I have here, we just had a good time. We were laughing about all kinds of silliness and a man stopped by us and said something about us laughing. I can’t recall exactly what it was but he said he enjoyed watching us because the whole time he was waiting for his coffee he noticed we were just happy and laughing. He wished us good cheer and went on his way. I don’t know what it was all about but it did make me think of how hindered I have been in the past few years with my laughing.
I am a joyful person, I enjoy laughing and I find humor in a lot of things.
When I worked, at any of my jobs, I would frequently get sucked into my own world. As I worked on my tasks, I would think of something, read something, or see something that would just make me laugh. I remember at one office place I would often be sitting there working, there was about 10 of us in an open office area at our desks, it would be quiet and all of a sudden something would strike me funny and I would bust out laughing.They would say things like “There she goes again.” or asked me what I was laughing about. I couldn’t tell them most of the time because it was just random goofy thoughts. Things like a person’s name would remind me of something, I would figure out how I took something literal and it wasn’t supposed to be, I would finally get a joke that was told to me days before.
How do you tell people that without them thinking you need help?
I laugh at the wrong times and I always have. I would find myself laughing during sermons all the time because I would read some obscure scripture and think it was funny. Or the pastor would make an odd face or his hair would be sticking up in an odd place or his pants were lopsided. I wasn’t laughing at him, I was laughing at the irony of having to take him serious when he didn’t notice those things. I hope I do not sound mean that is not what I intend at all. I did this same thing with teachers, employers and people who thought pretty high of themselves. I laugh at clouds, I laugh at lizards, I laugh at my cat. These are not mean things they are things that make me have joy. Like with the pastor, I felt like in a way it was God showing me how he was not perfect, the pastor is just man and it’s ok not to be perfect. That would bring me joy and make me laugh.
I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, I lost my laugh for a while. I didn’t know it but I did. David had made comments over the past few years about how I just didn’t laugh like I used to. Or that I didn’t seem as free as I used to be. He was right but I didn’t know why or how I lost my laugh. I think writing has helped to bring it back and help me to have joy again. I am loosing my anxiety about how people will respond to me, but I do go in cycles with that. ( I could have anxiety after I post this. ). I am not worried about being liked, I just don’t want to offend people. I can’t live like that, I have to laugh. Last night I laughed so hard at a silly show but it was my laugh that I had not had in so long. I started to cover my mouth and I said sorry to David because his head hurt, he said “Don’t be sorry! I am glad you are laughing. Never stop your laugh.” He’s right, I should never stop my laugh, I am afraid I may lose it again.
Has anyone else lost their laugh or should I say themselves like this?