Daily Archives: February 7, 2011

Creeping Up On Me

I can feel my brain starting to get down. I am not sure why but I am feeling sad. I have no reason to feel sad. I am just having negative thoughts. I am thinking that it is from writing about my past experiences and even though I have come a long way, the reliving or never really processing the emotions have caused me to feel this way.

I am not really sad.

Maybe the best way to say it is, I feel blank. I am not really sad but that is the only word I can think of, I am not angry and I am not happy but I am not depressed either. I have no word to describe what I am feeling and it bothers me. When I feel like this I tend to be consumed by all the ways people have misunderstood me, how they could misunderstand, recent events go round and round in my head scrutinizing every word I have said or written to see if I could have possibly said something wrong and then I wonder if I have hurt someone. I will ask David questions about how I am acting toward him and I ask him if I have said or done anything wrong. I do not understand his tones, what he means by his words or actions and I have to ask him what he means by things because otherwise I will misunderstand and then think the wrong thing.

I am just rambling and writing the things floating in head.

I need to get it out because I do not want to stay here long. I need to take account of things that could have caused this so I will be able to let it go.

1. I have written a lot of personal things and feel exposed.

2. I have been a lot more social the past two weeks and that always brings about anxiety but I don’t realize it.

3. We went to a new place the other day, the directions didn’t make sense to me. David is not good with directions in that town and he never remembers to print them out and look at them. I do print them out and look at them but they do not always help me. I felt anxious because:

  • A) I had never been there before, it was new to me.
  • B) I didn’t know how the kids were going to respond going.
  • C) It was a long drive so if one of the kids had a hard time than it would be an hour in the car of a not fun experience.
  • D) My mom came with us, good but adds a whole other component to my anxiety.
  • E) Ariel started having anxiety in the morning and then said she didn’t want to go.

4. Ariel’s anxiety is really starting to freak me out because she is getting worse with it and is starting to not want to try new things, even things she loves. :-(

5. We did get all mixed up downtown and I started to panic, I had to calm down and then we had to walk about a block in windy, cold weather. It ended up being a very pleasant experience overall though and the kids had so much fun, we all did.

6. I got vertigo and nauseous going to the top of the building, it was full of kids, sounds, smells and people. (I am still recovering from the experience.)

7. We missed a social event that I feel guilty for missing but we just couldn’t go because of all of the change, sensory and social stress it would have caused all of us.

8. The weather is gray, yucky and cold.

9. I am just all talked out and David needs to talk to me about important job decisions.

10. I think I may be freaking out because the kids are going to be evaluated and what if I have not taught them what they need to know!

11. I read some things yesterday that triggered some bad events in my life that I am not able to talk about with anyone but David and past counselors.

12. David just had a physical and we are waiting on the blood work results. His Dad has been informing him of all the problems that run in his family and that he needs to get everything checked out.

13. I need to clean my house.

14. We have new neighbors across the street and I have an icky feeling about them.They moved in three days ago.

15. I am getting anxiety about writing too much. I can’t do that to myself otherwise I will get depressed.

Ok, I will stop there with numbering them.

I have a ton of things flooding my mind but I think the pattern here is I am being affected by social, sensory and emotional things that are all triggering each other. It’s my downward spiral and if I can see how they all work together than I can stop the negative state. Maybe. It’s worth a try. Taking note here I have not been eating that great, we are preparing to try to get health insurance again and other helps for resources for us as a family, social things for the kids and all of that is a lingering stress for me too. We have to get all of our financial’s in order and Daniel’s information and then talk, meet and once again try to explain things to people who do not understand, I am sure the anticipation of all of that is making me get fixated on things and feel so whatever I am feeling……blank???

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