Daily Archives: December 29, 2010

Gifts For My Mom

My relationship with my Mom has gotten tremendously better since we found out about Daniel. At first my Mom was in denial as well as myself, however, the more I researched and the therapists shared about Daniel, it was very clear that we both understood Daniel very much. We both went on a journey of acceptance, first for Daniel and then for ourselves. Being able to share our feelings or at least be able to say we don’t know what we are feeling has made a big difference. Along with finally understanding some of the reasons why we have responded the way we have in the past, this has given us a clear slate in our relationship.

Discussing Asperger’s and Sensory Integration Disorder with each other has made it possible for us to understand each other better.

We have been able to explain our differences and how situations affect us differently but with similar impact. Through gaining understanding of our different sensory issues and how I am more of an emotional Aspie, while my Mom has more analytical and structured traits, we no longer get hurt by each others actions. Although both of us can cross over in certain situations, it is very hard to pin point one kind of person on the spectrum. We have become very direct with each other asking if it is a sensory issue or whether or not we misinterpreted what we were saying to one another.

I am very thankful that my Mom is supportive and willing to seek her own help in understanding as well.

Although, my Mom will not buy herself any books on the subject of Asperger’s. She wants them and she wants to understand but she seems to not want to spend the funds on them and I am not sure why. I have sent her to numerous blogs, articles and let her read some of my books. She is always comforted and feels so much better realizing that she is indeed not crazy and not the only one. She is not able to share her emotions very well and when she does at times, it just doesn’t come out the way she thinks it does. I understand this, especially now that we have been talking so much about Asperger’s and how clear it seems that we are Aspie’s.

A while ago, I sent her to Rudy Simone’s website, she read through it and took a real interest in one of her books.

It was the Asperger’s on the Job book. I knew she would like that one and I knew it would help her a great deal at work and with explaining a lot of her issues. So I got that book for her for Christmas, I also got her  Aspergirls:Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome. I knew my Mom would never buy these books but I also knew that they would be very beneficial for her. She was very happy with the job one but clearly uncomfortable with the Aspergirls book. I am not entirely sure why but I think in her mind it may talk about things that she does not like to talk about, then ignores. I have read through excerpts of it and I do not feel that is the case. I think it will bring great comfort and understanding to her.

She had already read through half of the on the job book the day I gave it to her.

She was very happy and grateful to have it because it was making things make so much sense for her and bringing to light that she is not alone. There are others that understand and she is not wrong for feeling the way she does or in how she responds to things. I hope she finds the same thing in the other book. I admit I did not want to give those books up because I had not read them and I have been waiting for a long time to get both of them, so David said we got some extra funds and it was possible for me to get them too. YEA! They are on their way, another two to add to my reading collection. :-)

My Mom has been thinking about getting a diagnosis.

She has been pondering it for some time now, she does have insurance that would cover it and they offer other benefits for those with autism. She hasn’t said anything in a while because of the holidays and such but maybe after the holidays she will give it some consideration again. I think for her it would be a positive move and possibly help her a lot with getting the support she needs in her workplace. Currently everyone works with her but they think she is very quirky and odd and do not understand why she has meltdowns, they think that she is over sensitive emotionally and that is not the case at all.

Although, with getting the diagnosis there can come people who may be less than understanding.

With all of the good that could come from a diagnosis, she could receive people who are unwilling to accept it because she can be perceived as “too normal”, especially from family members. I really hope that she is able to decide for herself what she wants to do with no one’s influence but what she really feels in her heart. I will support her in whatever her decision. I personally think it would be a good thing for her to do and it could be beneficial in other ways that we have not thought of.

She doesn’t read my blog.

I am perfectly fine with that, but I know that she doesn’t mind what I write on here. She sees it as the same as her paintings, a way to express myself. You would find my Mom in front of the TCM channel watching a black-and-white flick, reading a biography on any 20’s to 50’s actors, crocheting or painting but it is hard to catch her reading a blog. That is why it is such a big deal that she has read the articles and posts that I have sent her.

I am not sure why I wrote this other than being thankful that my Mom and I have come so far, when there used to be a time that we did much better living in different states all together.

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When-A Poem

When I don’t have words-
Please don’t make me speak.
When I have too many words-
Please don’t try to stop me.

When the sounds are too much-
Please don’t ask me why.
When I do not recognize you
Please do not be hurt.

When I am feeling anxious-
Please just let me have peace.
When I scream and cry-
Please just let me be.

When I finally want a hug-
Please just give it and go.
When I am so tired-
Please just sit with me.

When I say I don’t understand-
Please don’t get frustrated with me.
When I laugh inappropriately-
How about you laugh with me?

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Virtual Self

After thinking about it and talking to David, I believe we have found another source of some of my anxiety with the virtual world. For me, the virtual version of myself is a true representation of the inner me. In my mind,  I am fully exposed online and at times I am unable to recognize that the people in the virtual world are not right here looking at me. Logically I know that this is not true, but it is still the feeling of being completely vulnerable. And with that feeling comes the waiting for my past “real” world experiences to take place. Although I am fully aware that the physical and the virtual are two different places, it still feels just as real to me as if I was in the same room with you, the reader.

I reveal things about myself on this blog that I do not in my real life (with most people, anyway).

I have a few people who I am now able to confide in almost fully, like my Mom (now that our relationship has had much healing), my aunt and a close friend. The only person who gets about 98% of all of the goings on in my head would be David. The other 2% is not purposely undisclosed – it would be things I don’t feel are necessary or are just silly ramblings going on in my head that lead to bigger things that I mention to him later. I have learned to censor certain information for each person in my life, except David. That is why I need limited amount of relationships in the “real” world because I am unable to keep up the rules for each person. Another thing that I now understand is that censoring myself and wearing a mask are two different things. I am not hiding myself if I censor, but only hiding information that may upset or make others feel uncomfortable.

I have this  problem with feeling like I have disclosed 100% of the hidden information on my blog.

Then I realize that I have not. I will also realize that I have made a post or left a comment on someone else’s blog without the full disclosed information. I don’t know the “social rules” for the virtual world, so I automatically say whatever and then panic. At times, I feel as though I am going to appear as if I am lying or a fraud or phony, simply because I did not give a detailed account of every event and the situation of the circumstances or reasons behind what I’ve written.  But I don’t hold others to that standard and scrutinize their comments that way. I am very understanding about the fact that I can’t possibly have all the information. I understand that they are sharing bits and pieces of their life or feelings and it is not the 100% full picture.

I am perfectly fine with that and I understand it.

As I was talking to David, he shared with me that it is impossible for me to give every single detail about my situation and that others really do not want ALL of the exact details. He explained to me that it is ok for me to share what I do share and that people will take what they want from whatever they read and move on. It is no big deal. It is all ok. I go back and forth feeling the assurance of this. I am not sure why I am so hard on myself and expect myself to be absolutely perfect in this area. I am not sure why I feel that if I misspell a word, (which I do often) that people will discount everything I have to say. I am not sure why if I do not give all of the exact details to my life story or situation, that people will think that I am a liar.

I do not know why it is all or nothing.

I do feel vulnerable on the web, but I have not had any real reason to feel that it will all go bad in a moments notice. I do know that this is a cycle that I have been observing in my posts since I started writing. I go through cycles of anxiety and fears. They are usually enhanced by some sort of trigger. I then go through cycles of confidence and feeling accepted. When either my virtual self or “real” world self feels threatened, I begin to go into a panic. I do not see a separation in either of the two.

I have a hard time seeing a separation for others as well.

Whatever I am feeling is expressed in both worlds but this is not the case for many people. There are many people who have a virtual self that reflects who they want to be, not who they are in real life and that I find very confusing. This would also explain my great confusion and frustration with Facebook. There was a time that I would have seen the difference between real life and their Facebook profiles and felt like they were liars, but I am gaining understanding about how people are. I may not comprehend, but I can understand by finding something  to relate it to in my life.

Reading books on social skills has helped a lot.

What is interesting is that most people who talk to me would never know all of the confusion going on in my head. They would see me as perfectly normal, mirroring them or reading something inaccurate from my blank face. In the past I would go home and try to figure it all out, to no avail. I have applied this thinking to my “real” world, about people not always being fully themselves but I have not done it completely in the virtual world. I also have not given myself freedom in the virtual world. I need to be just as compassionate toward myself as I am for others in this area, now that I understand a bit.

I think this may be a source of my anxiety.

I am afraid that I am not being the “real” me in both worlds and if that is the case, then I am a liar. This thinking cannot be true. I am not a liar. My fear of being falsely seen as a liar is deep-rooted from people not believing me or not listening to me throughout my life. As I write this I am thinking, just as I did for my Forgive My Grammar post, that I am setting myself free from being bound to this way of thinking. I understand that I am allowed to write whatever I feel and it’s ok if I do not have every single detail put on here so that people will understand completely. It’s perfectly fine to have as much or as little information that I feel necessary and that is not a reflection on the quality of my character. It sounds kind of silly now that I write this.

On to more freedom in my thinking and writing!

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