Daily Archives: December 20, 2010

What Brings Me Back

In my last post I really expressed myself and I hope people who read it understand the purpose of it. If they don’t there is nothing I can do. I do know that I feel a lot more clear-headed after writing it and my stomach is no longer in the mass knot that it was. I know that writing it all out helped my brain be able to grab onto the rational side of things that my emotions were unable to. As I wrote I was able to see with clarity how the many things going on in my life made it very difficult for me to move on from emotional to rational.

I feel that getting all of that out helped me to see some things.

I was able to think about some things that I really need to focus on personally, it also helped me to realize that no matter what I can still write. I am able to write what I feel or whatever I want to talk about and it’s ok if others are not interested in what I have to say. It’s all ok. Not everyone sees a benefit in my blog, I am perfectly fine with that. I do not even know who or if anyone reads it most of the time. Except for the few comments that come through, I wouldn’t even know if anyone ever read it. So I am thankful for those who have and that is that. It’s all good.

Now onto something else that always brings me back to my normalcy, my kids and David.

Ariel made me a card and a book about Jesus. Joshua made me Iron Man surfing. Daniel made me a smiley face. As I received these gifts from my kids, I really got a grasp on what my blog is about. I will share these awesome gifts. When I was talking to David, he was so funny, he handed me his instructor book on genes and said here read this. LOL! He knows how to get me back on track. :-)

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Recently I discovered that my blog has been removed from a blog that I have been following since day one of my blog. I finally mustered up enough nerve one day to comment and the person commented on my post and then added me to their blog roll. They had been on for about a year or so before I started writing and I really respected them and their articles so it meant a lot that they had me on their blog roll. I did notice over the course of several months that when I posted a comment on their blog, they seemed to ignore me. I thought maybe it was my imagination because I am prone to think things like that when it is not the case. It really could mean nothing but immediately when I saw that my blog was removed those events flooded my mind.

I was devastated.

It had to have been in the last few months but I just noticed about two days ago and ever since I have been an emotional basket case. All kinds of thoughts running through my head. Questions racing about what I could have done wrong, what did I say, did I offend them? What was it to have caused me to be removed??? I thought about emailing them and then thought better of it. I mean really, how silly is it for a person to be so upset about another person, who they really do not know, removing them from their blog roll? Rationally, I can see many reasons for this happening and it having nothing to do with me. However, my brain is not allowing me to stay in the rational state. I feel betrayed, hurt and confused.

That is why I am writing this.

I am not writing this to try to make sure no one takes me off of their blog roll, everyone has a right to do whatever with their blog. That situation is actually not the real issue here, the real issue is my fear of rejection, fear that people do not like me, fear that I have done something wrong, fear that it’s not ok to share what I am feeling. I need to write about this, I have to if I want to overcome it. I read a quote recently by Eleanor Roosevelt  “I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him.” I am facing a fear right now, this whole blog is about me facing my fears. All through out my life I have been unable to share what I am feeling openly.

When I decided to write this blog, I was full of fear that people would misunderstand me.

I was afraid that when people read my words that they would tell me how wrong I was or ostracize me, like so many others in this world. After writing for over a year, I was feeling pretty safe being able to write my rants, ideas and all of the things about our family. I felt safe in the community of people that I had encountered. The day that I saw my blog removed, I no longer felt safe. I felt rejected by my own. There is no place that is safe. No place, there is no place that wants me. I understand that these emotions are quite extreme and that my anxiety and fears are accentuated due to many factors going on right now in my life. I get this, my rational side understands this but the one thing in my brain that repeats it over and over and all of the past voices of rejection hammering the rational voice down is just too much for me to handle.

I feel by writing this down I will be able to face my fear of talking about what I am feeling.

I have to remind myself that it is ok to have these feelings, I am not wrong in my emotions. I am allowed to say this, I am allowed to talk about what hurts me. I need to so that my rational voice can bring me back to my normalcy. As I write this though, I feel people who read this may misinterpret me. They may think that it is all about being removed, that I am being childish, irrational and responding in a way that is too extreme. Some of those may be true but I believe I know why it was such a trigger for me. I will list them out with a brief explanation.

1) It is the holidays, this time of year is always extremely stressful for me. It is a hard time because of the uncertainty of everything, there is constant change from October to January and it makes me quite emotional. In one of my other posts, I had stated that I usually have about three major meltdowns by now. This is my first for the holiday season, we are almost at the end of it, so I think I have progressed a bit this year.

2) I have been much more social this year. It has been about two or three years since I have been actively going out during the holidays to places, parties, this was the first year we have ever left the house on Thanksgiving and we have been going out with the whole family more. In the past it was mainly Ariel who would get to go places but this year we have been taking the boys on more adventures because it has become possible to do so. All of this is new to me and is an additional stress factor that I usually do not have. It is good, actually it is awesome, but it is still a lot.

3) Daniel has been having a rough couple of days after a party we went to. I usually am not able to think clearly or sleep well when he is having a hard time like this. I see that this could be another major contributor to me having such an extreme response to the situation.

4) My grandma is coming in a few days, Christmas is coming up this weekend, I am both excited and anxious. Anxious in a good way. The problem is that with all of these above factors, trying to relax and find peace has been very difficult so my brain is in a constant state of what feels like bees buzzing around my head and my eyes see the world as a fuzzy blur.

5) Our car isn’t working so we are having to rely on my Mother to help us right now and it always stresses me out to get help from others because I feel like I am messing up their whole life and I don’t want to be a burden. My Mother knows me too well, without me saying a word she continues to reassure me that we are not being a burden.

6) I miss all of my family that is out-of-state. I haven’t seen my Dad, Step mom, my other sisters, nieces, nephew or my Aunt in a very long time. It has been about three years since I have seen my Dad. Sometimes it sounds like he gets a bad rap on my blog but he is a really great Dad in many ways. I will write about that at a later time.

7) I feel so isolated. It is strange that with all of the social stuff that I have been doing, I feel isolated. The truth is that the more social I am the more I see how different I am. I go blank when people talk to me, unless they get me talking about something that I am interested in, I cannot talk. I blurt things out without realizing it, many people think that it is funny but still no one else does it, except David. Ha ha ha I usually find myself sitting by myself watching others talking, laughing, having fun and I feel like I am an invisible observer that no one sees. Of course this isn’t true but the only comfort I find in most social gatherings is when I am with children or animals. So I am always thankful if there are lots of children or animals around.

8)In reference to #7, this makes me feel rejected. Even though no one has rejected me, this is what I feel. I believe this is what caused me to have such an extremely emotional response to the whole being removed thing. It is a horrible feeling to feel rejected by others but then to feel rejected by a person in my “safe” community was just too much. We are supposed to understand one another, I thought we connected at some point, I thought that maybe I had something to contribute to this community and now it feels as if my words mean nothing. My life is not validated by a fellow Aspie.

As I write this I know that it sounds over the top.

I do, I know that this is all emotional and had I noticed after the holidays and things had settled down I am sure I would have felt some of this but not to the extreme. It’s really not a big deal and I am kind of thankful that it happened because it has made me face some things that I haven’t wanted to face. I am scared about sharing my writings because I fear that others will think that it is not good enough, I fear that if I share my feelings that people will misunderstand, then attack and cause me to go curl up in my cave again. I fear that my writings, my life, my feelings, my contribution to this world is not valuable.

So today I face those fears.

I am writing these out and I am sick to my stomach, tears welling up but I am writing. I am going to post this and I am going to be ok. I am not going to allow circumstances beyond my understanding influence me to be scared. Just because I am overwhelmed and emotional doesn’t mean I am not allowed to talk about it. I really dislike feeling this way because I feel weak. I need to feel weak sometimes so I can pull up strength and move forward. I hope this is a post leading to my freedom from some of these fears.

Well there you have it, I am exposed with all of my irrational feelings and the reasons behind them.

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