Monthly Archives: December 2010

12/31/10

Long Nights Better Days?

The kids had still been quite sick throughout this week, since last weekend, but Joshua and Ariel have recovered quickly. Daniel on the other hand has not. He has been refusing to eat or drink because he is afraid that it will make him be sick. Since two days ago he has refused to eat anything except for some applesauce I was able to get in him. The last time during the day yesterday, when I attempted to give him a little applesauce, he got sick again and then he refused anything for the rest of the night. Last night David gave me a break from around 10pm to 2am, so I could try to get some sleep but I got very little because I was very scared for Daniel. At some point he stopped talking all together, but would only grunt or say ‘no”. David taking the first shift, gave him water and pedialyte every 30 mins., I then stayed up the rest of the night doing the same thing. Last night was the worst of all the evenings by far.

We were very concerned that we would have to take him to the hospital.

Thankfully he is doing much better and we convinced him that it was not the applesauce or water that made him sick but a virus. There is a slight taste to the pedialyte that he is sensitive to so it took quite a bit to get him to drink that but he did, finally. I haven’t gotten very much sleep in days. I have been up off and on, with at least one child every night since last Friday. I really do not know how I am functioning. Daniel is exhausted as well because we kept waking him up but if we didn’t he would have gotten extremely dehydrated. We were very concerned that a hospital experience would cause some severe trauma and we were praying that we would not have to go for his sake.

He is resting right now, still taking in fluids and eating a little.

Both Ariel and Joshua have been very concerned for Daniel and trying to think of ways to help him. All he wants is to be alone and have quiet though. He is having conversations with us and the very good thing about all of this is that he was able to communicate if he had pain or not and where it was, before last night that is. The other days when he was getting sick, he would ask me why his belly hurt and why he was getting sick. These kids have never been this sick so it has been a bit scary for David and I along with the kids. They kept asking “why is it lasting so long?”.

It has been pretty upsetting for Daniel because of his sensory problems.

It causes him to get very upset when he is unable to keep things down and it hurts him in ways that it doesn’t for other children. It causes him to have gag reflex again, which is something he continually struggles with and an experience like this means that we may have to retrain his mouth and mind to be alright with eating foods again. Since they found nothing wrong with his throat or mouth and he has not had any allergic reactions with his throat swelling or anything, they ruled his issues to be related to sensory problems.  We are hoping that this does not cause him to give up crunchy foods again. We are comforted in knowing that Daniel is able to communicate so much more and be able to tell us to stop doing things that are bothering him or tell us what we can do to help him. It also eases our minds about taking him to the hospital, if we needed to, it makes a huge difference knowing that he can say what is going on now. Before he couldn’t and that has the potential of being a very horrible experience.

We know that he is much better because he asking us, when we come in the room “Can you go?”.

He just wants to rest and I completely understand. He has been very scared because he has never gone through a sickness like this. He wanted us not to leave his side the other couple of nights, now that he is wanting some alone time it is obvious he is getting back to himself. He would have been well sooner had he not refused to take in fluids or any sort of food. However, I understand his thought process, thinking, if you don’t take anything in, you will no longer get sick. He doesn’t understand the dangers of that though, so we have to do our part in helping him which seems like we are being mean parents forcing him to drink water. We explained it to him as best as possible for him to understand and he finally understood that we would have to go to the hospital if he didn’t start taking in the fluids. He then asked “Do I have an ow?”. We told him yes and that it will get worse if he doesn’t drink or eat anything.

He is so restrictive in food choices anyway, even though they are much more broader now, but it makes it difficult to think of things to feed him while he is so sick.

I am very happy that he is eating the applesauce and he did try some banana too. We will keep working with him and try to get some other foods in him as he is able. I hear him talking to the computer now in the other room and I can see him taking a drink, good signs. Now hopefully the worst is over and we can all get a good nights rest tonight and I can start getting my brain back to its usual obsessive self. :-) I am thinking that me having so much lack of sleep has saved me from being overwhelmed with my own sensory issues, usually a week like this would have caused some serious problems for me. I have been a little cranky but not taking it out on anyone so that is good. :-) I also think writing has helped, it is very therapeutic.

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12/29/10

Gifts For My Mom

My relationship with my Mom has gotten tremendously better since we found out about Daniel. At first my Mom was in denial as well as myself, however, the more I researched and the therapists shared about Daniel, it was very clear that we both understood Daniel very much. We both went on a journey of acceptance, first for Daniel and then for ourselves. Being able to share our feelings or at least be able to say we don’t know what we are feeling has made a big difference. Along with finally understanding some of the reasons why we have responded the way we have in the past, this has given us a clear slate in our relationship.

Discussing Asperger’s and Sensory Integration Disorder with each other has made it possible for us to understand each other better.

We have been able to explain our differences and how situations affect us differently but with similar impact. Through gaining understanding of our different sensory issues and how I am more of an emotional Aspie, while my Mom has more analytical and structured traits, we no longer get hurt by each others actions. Although both of us can cross over in certain situations, it is very hard to pin point one kind of person on the spectrum. We have become very direct with each other asking if it is a sensory issue or whether or not we misinterpreted what we were saying to one another.

I am very thankful that my Mom is supportive and willing to seek her own help in understanding as well.

Although, my Mom will not buy herself any books on the subject of Asperger’s. She wants them and she wants to understand but she seems to not want to spend the funds on them and I am not sure why. I have sent her to numerous blogs, articles and let her read some of my books. She is always comforted and feels so much better realizing that she is indeed not crazy and not the only one. She is not able to share her emotions very well and when she does at times, it just doesn’t come out the way she thinks it does. I understand this, especially now that we have been talking so much about Asperger’s and how clear it seems that we are Aspie’s.

A while ago, I sent her to Rudy Simone’s website, she read through it and took a real interest in one of her books.

It was the Asperger’s on the Job book. I knew she would like that one and I knew it would help her a great deal at work and with explaining a lot of her issues. So I got that book for her for Christmas, I also got her  Aspergirls:Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome. I knew my Mom would never buy these books but I also knew that they would be very beneficial for her. She was very happy with the job one but clearly uncomfortable with the Aspergirls book. I am not entirely sure why but I think in her mind it may talk about things that she does not like to talk about, then ignores. I have read through excerpts of it and I do not feel that is the case. I think it will bring great comfort and understanding to her.

She had already read through half of the on the job book the day I gave it to her.

She was very happy and grateful to have it because it was making things make so much sense for her and bringing to light that she is not alone. There are others that understand and she is not wrong for feeling the way she does or in how she responds to things. I hope she finds the same thing in the other book. I admit I did not want to give those books up because I had not read them and I have been waiting for a long time to get both of them, so David said we got some extra funds and it was possible for me to get them too. YEA! They are on their way, another two to add to my reading collection. :-)

My Mom has been thinking about getting a diagnosis.

She has been pondering it for some time now, she does have insurance that would cover it and they offer other benefits for those with autism. She hasn’t said anything in a while because of the holidays and such but maybe after the holidays she will give it some consideration again. I think for her it would be a positive move and possibly help her a lot with getting the support she needs in her workplace. Currently everyone works with her but they think she is very quirky and odd and do not understand why she has meltdowns, they think that she is over sensitive emotionally and that is not the case at all.

Although, with getting the diagnosis there can come people who may be less than understanding.

With all of the good that could come from a diagnosis, she could receive people who are unwilling to accept it because she can be perceived as “too normal”, especially from family members. I really hope that she is able to decide for herself what she wants to do with no one’s influence but what she really feels in her heart. I will support her in whatever her decision. I personally think it would be a good thing for her to do and it could be beneficial in other ways that we have not thought of.

She doesn’t read my blog.

I am perfectly fine with that, but I know that she doesn’t mind what I write on here. She sees it as the same as her paintings, a way to express myself. You would find my Mom in front of the TCM channel watching a black-and-white flick, reading a biography on any 20′s to 50′s actors, crocheting or painting but it is hard to catch her reading a blog. That is why it is such a big deal that she has read the articles and posts that I have sent her.

I am not sure why I wrote this other than being thankful that my Mom and I have come so far, when there used to be a time that we did much better living in different states all together.


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12/29/10

When-A Poem

When I don’t have words-
Please don’t make me speak.
When I have too many words-
Please don’t try to stop me.

When the sounds are too much-
Please don’t ask me why.
When I do not recognize you
Please do not be hurt.

When I am feeling anxious-
Please just let me have peace.
When I scream and cry-
Please just let me be.

When I finally want a hug-
Please just give it and go.
When I am so tired-
Please just sit with me.

When I say I don’t understand-
Please don’t get frustrated with me.
When I laugh inappropriately-
How about you laugh with me?

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12/29/10

Virtual Self

After thinking about it and talking to David, I believe we have found another source of some of my anxiety with the virtual world. For me, the virtual version of myself is a true representation of the inner me. In my mind,  I am fully exposed online and at times I am unable to recognize that the people in the virtual world are not right here looking at me. Logically I know that this is not true, but it is still the feeling of being completely vulnerable. And with that feeling comes the waiting for my past “real” world experiences to take place. Although I am fully aware that the physical and the virtual are two different places, it still feels just as real to me as if I was in the same room with you, the reader.

I reveal things about myself on this blog that I do not in my real life (with most people, anyway).

I have a few people who I am now able to confide in almost fully, like my Mom (now that our relationship has had much healing), my aunt and a close friend. The only person who gets about 98% of all of the goings on in my head would be David. The other 2% is not purposely undisclosed – it would be things I don’t feel are necessary or are just silly ramblings going on in my head that lead to bigger things that I mention to him later. I have learned to censor certain information for each person in my life, except David. That is why I need limited amount of relationships in the “real” world because I am unable to keep up the rules for each person. Another thing that I now understand is that censoring myself and wearing a mask are two different things. I am not hiding myself if I censor, but only hiding information that may upset or make others feel uncomfortable.

I have this  problem with feeling like I have disclosed 100% of the hidden information on my blog.

Then I realize that I have not. I will also realize that I have made a post or left a comment on someone else’s blog without the full disclosed information. I don’t know the “social rules” for the virtual world, so I automatically say whatever and then panic. At times, I feel as though I am going to appear as if I am lying or a fraud or phony, simply because I did not give a detailed account of every event and the situation of the circumstances or reasons behind what I’ve written.  But I don’t hold others to that standard and scrutinize their comments that way. I am very understanding about the fact that I can’t possibly have all the information. I understand that they are sharing bits and pieces of their life or feelings and it is not the 100% full picture.

I am perfectly fine with that and I understand it.

As I was talking to David, he shared with me that it is impossible for me to give every single detail about my situation and that others really do not want ALL of the exact details. He explained to me that it is ok for me to share what I do share and that people will take what they want from whatever they read and move on. It is no big deal. It is all ok. I go back and forth feeling the assurance of this. I am not sure why I am so hard on myself and expect myself to be absolutely perfect in this area. I am not sure why I feel that if I misspell a word, (which I do often) that people will discount everything I have to say. I am not sure why if I do not give all of the exact details to my life story or situation, that people will think that I am a liar.

I do not know why it is all or nothing.

I do feel vulnerable on the web, but I have not had any real reason to feel that it will all go bad in a moments notice. I do know that this is a cycle that I have been observing in my posts since I started writing. I go through cycles of anxiety and fears. They are usually enhanced by some sort of trigger. I then go through cycles of confidence and feeling accepted. When either my virtual self or “real” world self feels threatened, I begin to go into a panic. I do not see a separation in either of the two.

I have a hard time seeing a separation for others as well.

Whatever I am feeling is expressed in both worlds but this is not the case for many people. There are many people who have a virtual self that reflects who they want to be, not who they are in real life and that I find very confusing. This would also explain my great confusion and frustration with Facebook. There was a time that I would have seen the difference between real life and their Facebook profiles and felt like they were liars, but I am gaining understanding about how people are. I may not comprehend, but I can understand by finding something  to relate it to in my life.

Reading books on social skills has helped a lot.

What is interesting is that most people who talk to me would never know all of the confusion going on in my head. They would see me as perfectly normal, mirroring them or reading something inaccurate from my blank face. In the past I would go home and try to figure it all out, to no avail. I have applied this thinking to my “real” world, about people not always being fully themselves but I have not done it completely in the virtual world. I also have not given myself freedom in the virtual world. I need to be just as compassionate toward myself as I am for others in this area, now that I understand a bit.

I think this may be a source of my anxiety.

I am afraid that I am not being the “real” me in both worlds and if that is the case, then I am a liar. This thinking cannot be true. I am not a liar. My fear of being falsely seen as a liar is deep-rooted from people not believing me or not listening to me throughout my life. As I write this I am thinking, just as I did for my Forgive My Grammar post, that I am setting myself free from being bound to this way of thinking. I understand that I am allowed to write whatever I feel and it’s ok if I do not have every single detail put on here so that people will understand completely. It’s perfectly fine to have as much or as little information that I feel necessary and that is not a reflection on the quality of my character. It sounds kind of silly now that I write this.

On to more freedom in my thinking and writing!

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12/27/10

OH BOY!

Well we are going on day four of the Rotavirus. Yes, it started on our Christmas Eve celebration day. Daniel was the first to receive the not fun symptoms. Now all three of them are feeling it and having symptoms. I haven’t slept, am overloaded from cleaning up not fun stuff, the smells from it, the smells from cleaning supplies to clean it up with and the moments of freak out when it has touched my body, I am a bit overloaded. Sorry for any visuals any one may have, I tried to keep it as non-graphic as possible so no one will experience it in their own minds.

Enough of that let’s about the good stuff!

The first part of the morning went great. The floor was covered in Lego’s, we got Daniel a talking dictionary which he loves and a snap circuit set, in hopes that he will make his own electronic experiments and stop using all of our appliances to test his theories. So far with what energy he has, the snap circuits have worked but that could change at any moment. :-)   Everyone was happy with their gifts, the sickness didn’t hit until later in the afternoon. Daniel was quite fixated on the snap circuits and now we know it was because he was feeling so bad.

We did go to mom’s house the next day.

We went to my mom’s because we were unaware that we had a virus floating around. We thought maybe Daniel got sick because of the excitement and possibly he was overloaded. After we were there for a little bit Joshua started to complain about his belly and we had to cut the visit short. I will just say we made it home just in time. The good stuff is that everyone is still happy and playing well despite feeling so bad. And we are just enjoying spending time together. David is swamped and has some deadlines due by Weds. so he is not able to join in the fun goings on down here with us. :-)   I am hoping very much that I do not get the symptoms because I do not know what will happen if I am down!! Anyway I wanted to share some of the awesome books that David got me that I am very excited about.

I hope everyone else had a much better holiday festivities!! We are looking forward to the New Year!

( I do not make any money from putting these up. I use Amazon because you can look through it online, I guess you can with some on Barnes and Nobles too.)

1001 Great Ideas for Teaching & Raising Children with autism or Asperger’s

The Hidden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for Understanding Unstated Rules in Social Situations

David has already sent me to this one several times to quick reference how I misread him and he misread me because my face did not match what I thought I was saying or feeling. So far it has come in handy! I am thankful to have all of these resources for me and the kids, especially when they get older.

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery and Growth

(I received the first edition of the PTSD book because it was only $2.00 on half.com!)

And since I am currently fixated on how the mind works with beliefs and behaviors I received this book.

Battle For The Mind: A Physiology of conversion and brain-washing.

I have several reasons for reading this book but I do like having a balance of thoughts. I have been told in the past that I should not read things like this because it will confuse me with my faith. I personally have found that it does not, it actually helps me to challenge my thinking and develop my beliefs with a  healthier state of mind. But that may just be me. :-) While we all rest and try to get back to our healthy bodies, I will be doing a lot of reading. The kids got some news books too that we will be reading together as well!

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12/23/10

What Matters

Today has been a great day, with a few not so great moments, but overall the kids have been just playing and having fun. As we are winding down preparing for our Christmas celebration tomorrow, I decided to capture some of the life around here. We are celebrating tomorrow because for the first time ever, we are going to my Mom’s house for Christmas. Normally everyone has had to come to our house due to sensory overload and never knowing how Daniel would respond. This year he is much more at ease going to her house, he actually loves it now. We have been working on that for this past year, going to different places, other people’s houses, just getting out there and doing stuff.

We have good days and some not so good days but we still try.

Before it was just not possible, mainly because he would just react and not be able to communicate what was going on. Now that he is able to tell us if it is too loud, he’s upset, if he is tired, you get the picture, it makes it possible for him to have a good time and try going to new places. It has helped a great deal by giving him visual pictures of where we are going and what to expect as much as possible.We are all looking forward to having a great Christmas celebration, enjoying being with family and each other.We hope you have a great holiday celebration as well!

Here are some photos of our relaxing day.

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12/23/10

Facing My Fears- A Poem

Random event stole my mind,

train of thought,

so unkind.

Past experiences all I have,

only hurts of what was not said.

Tears they well and fill my eyes,

aching heart,

no peace inside,

sad in this moment,

just want to sleep.

I know in my heart this too shall pass,

but wanting so much to heal from my past,

I cry out for someone to feel!

Do you understand my isolation and fear?

Just when time started to fade,

the healing process almost negate.

Pulling from strength beyond my own,

reaching for comfort in a world beyond.

All of my fears whisper away,

hearing that voice call to me say

“You do matter in this world to ME”.

Facing my fears can help heal the pain,

look at how much has already been gained.

Life is too precious,

to great to stay here,

get up and walk and face my fears.

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12/22/10

Collections

I am feeling rather fragile emotionally, for a moment I will feel fine and nothing bothers me the next moment I am anxious and concerned with some event or word I have spoken. I do know that I am excited because my Grandmother is coming in town today so this could be a factor in my brain behaving in such a way. My remedy? To share some of my many collections/obsessions throughout my life.

I do not see collecting or obsessing in a negative way.

It could be that both of my parents, many of my relatives and David all collect things. Lots of things! Growing up for me collecting things and getting obsessed about them just happened to be a normal thing. Though there were times that it was associated with negative, such as both of my parents freaking out if one of their items from their collections were touched, moved or used without asking. Some items you just know not to touch them, period. I was the same way as a child. Was this learned or did it come naturally, you may ask. I most definitely had a predisposition. As a toddler my Mom said I collected things, random things that seemed odd but she let me do it.

My kids collect things as well and all three of them have fixated objects in their mind that they must collect and keep.

I haven’t discouraged this, they have not taken on a disorder like OCD with doing so, I don’t think that it is a bad thing, since we limit how many they can have and if they do become a bit over fixated, we have them take a break from it for a while. Sometimes this is a bit easier said than done, but we feel it is very important in helping them find balance. There are only a couple that have maintained a long-standing, fans (Daniel), Lego’s (Joshua) and stuffed animals (Ariel).

My Mother was very practical though about collecting things.

She would say “If you don’t have the money you do not get it. You have to wait to earn it.”. We have also taken on the philosophy otherwise it could be our financial ruin. In the past I have not been so wise in my spending, I felt that I HAD to have the item but I have learned my lessons from that. I have nothing but fond memories of my collections and maybe others have shared the same interests in collecting as well, possibly the same things.

All of my collections had a purpose behind them.

I would begin to collect things because they caught my interest. I would discover a history behind them that I didn’t know, someone would give me an item and that would become a new fascination, someone else would like it so I would want to discover what the appeal was, then find myself collecting as well. There were many reasons I would start and then obsess, sometimes it was very difficult for me to give them up or share them, other times I would wake up one day and think to myself “I am done with that.”, then give it all away. I still do this.

Here I go in no particular order.

1)Books: My Mom has had a ton of books since I can remember, she started me on a journey of collecting books as well. I read them and keep them. All kinds of books! I mainly read information based books, my most recent interests have been church history, Biblical history, Autism, Anxiety Helps and Sensory Integration defined. I also have a ton of homeschooling books and homeschooling for children on the autism spectrum, I guess that would fall under autism.

2) Angels: My Mom started a Christmas tradition that every year as a present I would get an angel. Other family jumped on this as well and I would get several angels each year. I still do get them from others interestingly, I have not spent a lot of money for this collection, I have a script to wait for Christmas.

3) Barbie’s: My Mom and Dad divorced when I was around 3 1/2 years old, we did not have much money all year around but my Mom always made sure Christmas was a big deal. One year on her limited funds, she went to Goodwill and purchased a ton of used Barbie’s and then made a ton of clothes for them. When I woke up that Christmas morning the whole tree was covered with Barbie’s. I had a Barbie tree. That was the best Christmas I ever had and that started my Barbie collection, that I still have in my Dad’s garage. Something over a 100, I used to get apartments that had two bedrooms so I could display my Barbie’s all in their boxes, called the Barbie room. My Mom was not the best at affection or sharing her feelings but she did do things like this that were pretty cool.

4) Stuffed Animals: I would categorize them by animal, small to largest and have them all lined up either on my bed or on the floor. I kept most of them until I was in my mid-20′s. I felt an emotional connection with them, they had been my closest friends through most of my childhood, I couldn’t justify giving them away for a very long time.

5) Cows: You name it I had some sort of black and white cow item.

6) Bibles: I have 25 Bibles, 9 versions (under English) and a Tanakh Hebrew-English translation. I love the Hebrew language, it touches something in my soul. I love looking at the Hebrew alphabet and words, the strokes of each character seem to be alive to me.

7) Shoes: Mainly boots. This seems inappropriate to have Cows, Bibles then Shoes. Oh, well that is how they came to mind. I stopped collecting these going on almost 10 years now. I had such a ridiculous amount, one day I just went in and took  about 3/4 of them and gave them away.

8) Music: Almost any kind of music. I LOVE MUSIC! I did go on a Worship music binge for many years and I have everything from Gospel to Techno Christian music. It helped me through a lot of hard times. (I can’t get the smiley face off to put the number 8 so there is a smile for you.)

9) Marilyn Monroe: I had anything and everything you could think of with her. Books, posters, pictures, stamps, buttons, movies, I had all of her movies except for three.

10) Rocks, Shells, Stones, and any other odd-looking item, like a piece of wood that I would find interesting.

11) Gargoyles: I liked looking at gargoyles for some reason, I found them to have an interesting history. I think I was trying to overcome a fear of them. Sometimes I do that, I will consume myself in something I do not understand or fear to try to understand it.

12) Silver Rings: I did not wear them often but I liked having a lot of them and then watching them go from silver to a blackish color then cleaning them and doing it all over again. I know I sound strange. I just found the whole process fascinating.

13) Crosses: I love Gothic crosses and interestingly shaped crosses. I do not really associate these crosses with Jesus because he wasn’t actually on a cross, it was more like a tree. The other thing is that I see Him as alive and while the cross has great significance and power behind the event, my mind has categorized the crosses we see today into a non-associated file from the death and resurrection of Him. I hope that makes sense, I mean no offense.

14) Empty Containers: In the last year I started collecting empty containers for home school projects but I have gotten a little overboard. I now have several, I will not admit to how many, it’s embarrassing, :-) but I have boxes full of all kinds of shapes and styles. Plastic, cardboard, glass you name it I have it! I have recently started limiting myself to how many I can keep but I still have my old stash, we may need them. I have used quite a bit of them for experiments and projects, so I know they will come in handy….at some point.

I know I have more but I can’t really think of them right now. I mainly only collect books now, I have given most of these collections away or I still have them and they are packed away because I have no place to display them, like the angels. Just writing these out have given me some smiles and reminds me of some happy times. I am going to go enjoy my kids now and spend a day completely free of my worries and have some serious fun with them!! :-)

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12/21/10

Ariel’s Life Planned Out

Ariel has informed me on many occasions what she is going to do with her life when she is older. First there was the plan that she was moving in with Grammy when she got older and they would paint and do art all the time. She had planned on helping Grammy clean the house, do the dishes and take care of the dog, Fitzy. Well after I shared with her the truth of what it is like to live with Grammy and after Grammy shared with her the truth of what it is like to live with Grammy, she changed her plans a bit.

I was not being mean about life with Grammy, I was being honest.

When I shared with Grammy what I had shared with Ariel, she quickly agreed and told Ariel that I was correct in my description of life with Grammy. It looks fun until you live there! My Mother has very detailed and specific schedules and routines in her life, she is willing to change them around but it takes about three months for her to adjust and during those three months it is better for everyone to have limited amount of time with her. She is not mean or anything, she just needs to adjust and is in a constant overloaded state until she gets her new routine. I have my own things like that but with having three kids and the autism spectrum going on around here, there has to be more flexibility. That has taken some time to adjust to but all of us do pretty well, most days. :-)

Back to Ariel’s game plan.

Recently she has informed me, it is going on about two or three months I think, that her life is going to go like this:

“I am going to become a veterinarian because I love animals so much and I want to help them and take care of them. Then I am going to buy a car. Then I am going to buy a house. Then I will get a husband and maybe have a family. I will have animals.” Updated today: She has added that she is “going to have three children and a lot of cats”.

This quote is pretty much exactly the same every time she decides that she wants to discuss what her future holds. She seems to be concerned with Joshua and Daniel’s future as well and tries to probe them for what they are going to do with their lives. As for Joshua his plans are: “I am going to stay with Mommy and Daddy forever in this house. I like them.” When asked about getting married or having kids he says ‘No, I don’t want to.” or “No, thanks”. When Daniel is asked, the questions have to be a bit more specific but Ariel has no problem coming up with the specific questions that Daniel needs, to be able to answer them.

The conversations are like this:

Ariel: So Daniel, are you going to build things when you grow up?

Daniel: Yeah.

Ariel: What kind of things, fans?

Daniel: Yeah.

Ariel: Are you going to use batteries.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ariel: Oh, wow you are going to make cool fans and batteries. That is awesome Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. Fans. Batteries.

It’s pretty funny. I do not know why she is so concerned with everyone’s future but she seems to need to know that everyone has a plan. It did prompt me to ask Daniel on another day after explaining what it meant to grow up and get a job. I asked “Daniel what are you going to do when you grow up?” He said “Math, I am doing math.” I said “Hey, that’s a good idea you can do math. Do you know what you will do with math?” (Knowing that it was too broad of a question, so he may not respond.) Daniel:”I do math, with my fans and batteries.” I am not sure what that means, it does makes sense but I am not sure exactly what he is thinking. The point is he has a plan that satisfied Ariel and now all of her future plans for her and the rest of us are set. She seems to need that to keep her mind at peace, but she does go in a loop and will start telling me about all of her plans and then ask everyone else about theirs.

I do believe she will go into some sort of career with animals.

She loves animals as much as I do, if I would have been encouraged I may have gone into a field with animals as well. Her animal interest does get a little creepy at times when she becomes the animals, stops talking and will contort her body in strange ways. She requests that we guess what she is and then learn her animal language, I do not recall doing that but I do feel deep connections with animals and I have been known to be quite obsessive about them. She isn’t really creepy, well when she acts like a certain dinosaur, that one is a bit creepy. Although, I do not discourage her, David and I both think that it’s great that when she learns something she acts it all out and any new information she gains about animals she HAS to reenact. It’s how she learns.

I am very happy about the fact that she has a plan to achieve her goals.

I think that it is really awesome how she feels confident in what she wants to do and sees no reason to feel like she cannot achieve whatever she puts her mind to. As a parent and after sharing  some my fears recently, I feel that it would be a great thing to help all of our kids to stay confident in who they are and accept themselves fully, along with accepting others for who they are as well. I think she is on her way to being a very self-confident girl and hopefully she can find someone, if she even wants to by then, who will respect that and encourage it, just like her Daddy. :-)

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12/20/10

What Brings Me Back

In my last post I really expressed myself and I hope people who read it understand the purpose of it. If they don’t there is nothing I can do. I do know that I feel a lot more clear-headed after writing it and my stomach is no longer in the mass knot that it was. I know that writing it all out helped my brain be able to grab onto the rational side of things that my emotions were unable to. As I wrote I was able to see with clarity how the many things going on in my life made it very difficult for me to move on from emotional to rational.

I feel that getting all of that out helped me to see some things.

I was able to think about some things that I really need to focus on personally, it also helped me to realize that no matter what I can still write. I am able to write what I feel or whatever I want to talk about and it’s ok if others are not interested in what I have to say. It’s all ok. Not everyone sees a benefit in my blog, I am perfectly fine with that. I do not even know who or if anyone reads it most of the time. Except for the few comments that come through, I wouldn’t even know if anyone ever read it. So I am thankful for those who have and that is that. It’s all good.

Now onto something else that always brings me back to my normalcy, my kids and David.

Ariel made me a card and a book about Jesus. Joshua made me Iron Man surfing. Daniel made me a smiley face. As I received these gifts from my kids, I really got a grasp on what my blog is about. I will share these awesome gifts. When I was talking to David, he was so funny, he handed me his instructor book on genes and said here read this. LOL! He knows how to get me back on track. :-)

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