Monthly Archives: November 2010

11/24/10

A Recorder

Daniel found David’s hand recorder yesterday, I had packed it away in a “safe” place I had forgotten about. An empty yogurt container. I do put things in strange places for safety. I cannot answer why, but I do know that every time, at the moment I put something in a “safe” place, it is for a very good reason. Maybe I was trying to hide it from Daniel, that would make sense, he would never look in an empty yogurt container under my desk, right? I guess I was wrong.

It turns out we may not need to give him anything for Christmas!

The recorder has trumped all 20 million remote controllers, all four MP3 players with headphones, the VHS player that has been broken by some mysterious phantom, and the TAG book reading pen. These are some pretty big “special interests” in this house and they have meant nothing for a whole day and morning so far. Last night he went around recording everything. I tried to show him how he could use it to ask people questions, but he wasn’t into that. However, he did fill the evening with all kinds of laughter and silliness with his sayings, acting like a monster and recording every sound he could.

While making dinner, I kept seeing this little recorder sneak up next to me.

It was so funny, I felt like I was being followed by a 1960′s reporter or something, everywhere I turned I was being recorded or the sounds I was making was being recorded. It was so funny to hear the pounding of chicken, spraying of water from the sink, in the middle of Daniel growling. I asked him if that was  Daniel monster and he said “No, it’s just a Daniel”. It was kind of scary. He recorded music from books and his toys, then all three of the kids danced crazily about the living room.

I am really surprised this morning though, he is saying a lot on there, so much that I wasn’t sure it was him.

I had to ask him at one point if that was him or Joshua and he said “That’s me talking!”. Awesome! Though there has been a lot fun with this little item, there is the down side and that would be the repeated questions about it.

Here is the conversation for the past 24 hours:

Daniel: What’s that? (While pointing to the recorder.)

Me: A recorder.

Daniel: No that. (While pointing to the recorder.)

Me: Do you mean this? (Pointing to the microphone.)

Daniel: Yes, what’s that?

Me: A microphone.

Daniel: What’s that? (Pointing to the recorder.)

I finally got smart after an hour of this.

Me: Do you mean the display, the microphone, the record button, the stop button, the hold button, the play button, the recorder, the place to plug it into the computer?

Daniel: No, what’s that?

Me: You know what it is.

Daniel: Yeah, it’s a recorder.

I am not kidding, we had this conversation all day. It started this morning but I didn’t play. I just asked his questions back to him and he would answer himself while pointing to whatever it was on the recorder.

We then had this last conversation:

Daniel: Hey, Mom, Mom, what’s that do?

Me: You know what it does.

Daniel: No, what’s that do?

Me: It records everything you are saying and hearing.

Daniel: Yeah, I know!

I think he is messing with me. :-/

No, not really. I believe that he is trying to have a conversation but doesn’t know how to ask more details to keep the conversation going. I can relate to that. I am glad that he is engaging and hopefully we can help expand his conversation skills. Hopefully. :-)

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11/22/10

How Did I Make It This Far?

I tell you what, the more I read about the social goings on around this human medium, the more I think to myself “How did I make it this far?” Seriously, I am rereading The Unwritten Social Rules of Relationships: Decoding the Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. I really missed a lot the first time I read it. I can probably read it a few million times and still need to read it again. I am in my late thirties and I still don’t know how to tell if someone is my friend or not. I still need David to explain jokes to me. I still cannot comprehend how a person would say, “Let’s meet for lunch” but never respond to me again or continue to blow me off. Oh, they never meant it you say? Well then, why would they offer to meet for lunch?

I went off about the show Parenthood the other day; I now realize that I just really do not understand the show.

Maybe it is good for others to watch, but for me it is very confusing. They have all of these looks they make at one another and silence pauses going on filled with meaning. I am sitting there asking “What are they doing?”

They are communicating.

It is no wonder so many people have been able to make fun of me. I sat there confused by what they were laughing about. What an easy target I’ve been. I have seen the looks that people give one another while I am talking and I have bluntly asked, “What?” I haven’t kept my mouth shut; I have point-blank asked them, “Why are you looking at each other like that while I am talking?” Their response has always been, “Nothing.” I knew something but just not what it was, then it would be turned on me. How dare you ask what we’re doing! To my surprise they would get offended or they would roll their eyes at me.

All the while, I would be standing there with a blank face and then usually back to whatever I was saying.

When I write about this, it seems so crazy. How can I be in the middle of conversations and have no idea that something else is going on? Am I really supposed to understand that I am wrong when I ask a direct question? Huh? As I am reading the book, I am having all of these experiences flash through my mind and am going “Holy Cow! That’s what was going on!” Before when I read this book, it was for the purpose of helping Daniel, so I was in a different mindset. I thought I needed to reread it thinking from a personal perspective and applying my experiences. Currently, I am in the section where they are talking about The Ten Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. I will do my best to write my thoughts when I first read the rules. (This is from the part of the book entitled “Act Three” on Page 119.)

The Ten Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships

Rule #1 Rules are Not Absolute. They are Situation-based and People-based.
What do you mean rules are not absolute?

Rule #2 Not Everything is Equally Important in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Yes, too, everything is equally important!

Rule #3 Everyone in the World Makes Mistakes. It Doesn’t Have to Ruin Your Day.
If someone makes a mistake, the whole day is ruined no matter what you say.

Rule #4 Honesty is Different than Diplomacy.
What’s the difference between honesty and diplomacy? Note to self, look those words up in the dictionary.

Rule #5 Being Polite is Appropriate in Any Situation.
Yes, I agree being polite is the right thing to do in all situations, but my polite doesn’t seem to be diplomatic.

Rule #6 Not Everyone Who is Nice to Me is My Friend.
OH, just because someone is nice to me doesn’t make them my friend. Then just forget this friend business, it’s too hard.

Rule #7 People Act Differently in Public then They Do in Private.
PEOPLE ARE LIARS! That is why they act differently in private. (Just go with it these were my initial responses.)

Rule #8 Know When You’re Turning People Off.
How am I supposed to know when I have turned someone off?

Rule #9 “Fitting In” is Often Tied to Looking and Sounding like You Fit In.
I will not conform and you cannot make me.

Rule #10 People are Responsible for Their Own Behaviors.
I am not responsible for the entire world and their actions? Really? But don’t they need to know when they are doing something wrong?

 

Yes, those were my thoughts before I read on.

As I read on and am reading again, I see where my mind is gaining understanding about some of these things and in other things, not so much. Hence, this is why I need to keep reading. :-) The more I discover about all of this social stuff the more I wonder, is ignorance bliss or is it better to be in the know? Some things have been very helpful to me, like gaining knowledge about people acting differently in private than they do in public.

That right there was a thorn in my side.

I would get so angry when someone would start to act differently or say the exact opposite as what they had told me in private. I didn’t realize that people do this when they are in a group. Not only do they do it, they do not consider it lying. Hm… It still confuses me but at least now I understand that they are not directly lying to me and just because they did that doesn’t mean that every word that comes out of their mouth is a lie. Well, most people any way.

I do believe I have the answer to my question, though.

How did I make it this far, being so naive to all of the stuff going on around me? I think I made it because I was naive to it. Had I known all of this without the social skill resources to help me, say growing up, I believe that I would have been worse off. Granted my life has been a whirl wind of confusion, pain, and frustration but if there were not books available to me, social skills resources and understanding parents, I may have been worse off living in this world knowing how incredibly different I am. My children will not have to worry about that, we will help them by using the resources available because it is obvious that this does not come naturally to me to teach them. We will be honest with them, like we have about everything, some would say that is wrong but we feel that it is best for our family. We talk openly about autism and we talk openly about “Mommy’s social misunderstandings”.

David and I still have to talk a lot about social situations.

As we talk, the kids ask questions. We explain to them why I am confused and how I came to a resolve and in other cases how I have to let it go. We do not know any other way. Both David and I have issues with being honest (it’s a must), we wish that our parents would have been honest with us as children about a lot of things. Maybe it would have been good, maybe it wouldn’t have but at least we would have known the truth about the things that caused us confusion, some things even to this day. We have come to accept that we just cannot have clear answers about many things from our childhood but it helps us to be more compassionate with our children when they ask their questions, especially when it comes to autism. Currently, Ariel is the one with a lot of questions about it.

I think for me the only reason why it was good to be ignorant of the social situations is because I do not believe I would have been helped.

In the town and time I grew up in, it was clear that my doctor and parents thought that I was just head strong, opinionated and making things up. (I didn’t hear about autism until I was in my late 20′s, I had no idea.) My parents at that time would not have been very accepting of a diagnoses like that, even talking to my mom now, I don’t think she would have known how to handle it. My mom took a while to accept Daniel being on the spectrum until she realized how much she was.

My dad still doesn’t like labels, he feels that it is a detriment and isn’t a helpful thing.

I disagree, if the label can be a beneficial to help a person such as Asperger’s or Autism Spectrum. The rest of my family would have seen it as an unfortunate disability, then add the lack of resources for girls on the spectrum at that time, even up to this day.  I really do not see how I would have been helped. I believe, just as with my other experiences, I would have been diagnosed with something other than autism. I have family members who still refuse to believe that Daniel is on the spectrum, despite the clear signs and challenges he has and has had. I can only conclude that they would have done the same to me and said “Buck up buttercup, there isn’t anything wrong with you that a good spanking wouldn’t take care of.” Well those spankings never worked, I am still clueless about a lot of social situations.

At least now I have the tools to help me and our kids so they will be a little more aware and not be so confused. I hope.

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11/17/10

Make Over

I am trying a new background theme. I am not sure I like it but I am letting it sit for a while. I do like the format better, it seems neater to me. I don’t know, we’ll see if I keep it, use a different one or go back to the old one. Too much change! Just kidding. I am walking on the wild side and gettin’ jiggy with my blog! :-)

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11/17/10

Source of Sadness

In my previous posts, I Really Don’t Know Why and It Never Fails, I briefly spoke about me being down and not knowing why and how I do not like being sad. I think people may read that all wrong, maybe not but let me explain. I do not get upset with myself or situations if they are valid reasons for me being sad. I do not like the feeling, of course, but I allow myself to feel the emotions without question when something has happened that is a reason for the emotion I am feeling. Overall though, I really like to stay in a constant stay of peacefulness and that is what I really mean by joy or happiness. I can have sad emotions but still feel at peace. It is when I am confused by what I am feeling and do not know why I am sad that bothers me.

I don’t like it at all.

Those feelings of the unknown state reminds me too much of the diagnosis of depression I received and had to be medicated. It has been a very long time since I have had to be on medication. I am not entirely sure that I was depressed in the way people are normally depressed. I was depressed because I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t understand why no one else understood me, I was isolated in my feelings and unable to share what was on my mind in any safe place. Even when I was going to a counselor, I was coached into what I should be feeling and why I was feeling a certain way. I think had someone just listened to me and allowed me to speak exactly what I was seeing in my mind and feeling in my heart, without telling me that it was wrong or made no sense or that they were the professional so I should listen to their interpretation, I would have had much more success and possibly not have been so suicidal.

When I begin to have that feeling again, the unanswerable sadness, I start to get upset.

I do not want to relive that past experience, I assume that is the reason for my poem that I wrote, Invisible. I found these emotions I was feeling very frustrating because in no way does my life look anything like it did during the time I was in a state of “depression”. After reflecting on it more, things are starting to make sense. After having a refreshing moment on Sunday, my mind cleared. I reread some things in one of Temple Grandin’s books and my feelings started to make sense. Now what I read in the book would not make sense to others I am sure, because it is rather hard to explain how it connects in my mind but it did and I am thinking clearly because of it. I will not share what I read because it may be confusing and take too long to explain.

Here it is, the source of my sadness.

1. Daniel is progressing.

This is great! It is awesome, I can hardly contain myself to see him so free in many ways, so happy and independent. He is at peace a lot more and that makes me happy. BUT then what? I have been living so long in the state of fix it, just deal with it, we have to help, and we have to figure out what the problem is, that now I am kind of lost. I am not sure what to do with myself. I am still living in the state of anxiety, since our lives have been in a constant change and unknown, I don’t know how to get out of the fix it mode. All I know is how to be in a crisis and I don’t know how to live without some crisis to push me. Last week, I didn’t know how to live. The week went well. I didn’t have to fix anything or spend hours trying to figure out something. I just enjoyed my kids but not really since my mind was being sad. I then felt guilt because I had no reason what so ever to feel sad. This is a new shift, learning to live with less stressful experiences, Daniel communicating and making it easier for us to help him and him being satisfied with that. I am adjusting and the only thing I could express was I didn’t feel happy so I am sad. I must be depressed and I do not know why. Then all of my past experiences, which are the only things I can associate with this feeling, is what I thought was happening.

2. I get exhausted from anticipation.

My anxiety stems from anticipation. I have different feelings of anxiety and have discovered that anxiety is not really from bad things. I have anxiety about meeting family, friends, going to new places that I am excited about, things that I enjoy doing, I have anxiety. Then I have anxiety about meeting new people, which is a mix of good and bad, there is also the anxiety of feeling like someone misunderstood me. I have bad anxiety. I used to think that all anxiety was bad and if I was feeling it than something was wrong with me and I needed to be fixed. Indeed anxiety is a sign of something being off and it is not good for the body and state of mind to have constant anxiety but knowing that it’s ok to have anxiety has, believe it or not helped me not be so anxious. Also understanding that the large portion of my anxiety comes from anticipation, has helped me to be able to look at what I am anticipating. I am now either making mental notes or real notes and planning as much as possible so I won’t have so much of this feeling.

3. The holidays are upon me.

The holidays always get me in a frenzy.When October comes I am already planning for the January 1st, so I can get back to normal. This year, I have already told everyone I am just ready for Christmas to be over. I love the joy that surrounds this season most of the time. I do enjoy being with family and celebrating together and reflecting over the past year but I reflect all the time and everyday is Christmas for me so let’s be done already. Just kidding….sort of. I had it all planned for us to get back on track the day after Christmas, then my Mom told me that she was on vacation starting that day. OH! That means push back the plan one more week, I am happy that we get to spend time her but my plan is derailed. Then I found out that my Grandma is coming and staying through the first week of January. OH! Now we are back another week, not really try the week after that because our kids are going to be all out of whack for an additional week. So here it is, we have been off our normal routine since Halloween, in about a week we will be celebrating Thanksgiving, then we will have Christmas and then vacation time with Grammy and Grandma, which is good. However, we will not be back on our normal schedule until  approximately January 10th 2011!

4. David is at the tail end of a major deadline.

He has been working on a manual for several months and it is coming to an end. Now are all of the edits and rewrites and the disagreements with what should be in there and what shouldn’t. If the editor is messing it all up and ruining the concepts or if the illustrations truly fit with the paragraph and blah, blah, blah! I do not mean that is a disrespecting way, we have been at the end of several of his projects like this and it is just very stressful for David and myself because I know his heart and what he is trying to get into these projects. When the vision gets messed up it is frustrating. In the midst of this he is also starting several other projects, so in David’s work we are also having things come to an end and new things starting which changes everything in our lives. We have to get a groove and balance, right now it is not there.

These things cause me to be sad, so I thought.

I am realizing that I was not really sad at all, I was not at peace. I lose my joy in the midst of chaos. I have become exhausted and confused about my role in Daniel’s life now and in my own. Ariel, Joshua and I have a groove, they get me and I get them and we have for a while. Daniel and I are now really getting each other but we haven’t found our cohesive lifestyle yet. It’s a work in progress and I am understanding that I need to be ready for that. Things they are a changing and I need to be able to change with it. The issue is that it has been a certain way for so long that it is a major mind adjustment for me. I am always able to adapt and change when I know what is going on, if I do not understand, my world stops. Now that I get what is going on I am at peace, I can move forward. I understand the difference between exhaustion, anticipation, anxiety and being sad. It was hard for me to feel that I was allowed to feel anything but happy because I have been hammered with if you are not happy than something is wrong with you. The problem with that is my definition of happiness is completely different from those who said that and because of that they contributed to my sadness and confusion.

I am on my to finding myself in this next season and looking forward to the freedom I will have.

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11/16/10

Did That Just Happen?

I am very excited about the progress Daniel has made with communicating.  I am now understanding why he is doing certain things and what questions he has been asking for so long but unable to put words to. It is great to know what he is really interested in. In this past week though, he has been doing some things that are big leaps when it comes to his pain or someone else being upset or hurt. In the past if Daniel would get hurt, most times I would have no idea until I saw a pump or found him bleeding or something. Then it would be even more frightening not having any idea what had happened to him. I got in the habit of when I heard him start crying, screaming, or rolling on the floor, to start examining him head to toe. After I would find the wound or discover that there was not one, I would then search the area for the possible object or toy that was the source of pain.

If it wasn’t an issue of an “ow”, I would then have to investigate other reasons for the sudden outburst.

Lately, he has been telling me what is upsetting him. If he is angry at me for something, usually because I will not let him obsess about the knobs on the stove, open and close the microwave, open and close the DVD player or try to plug varies electronic items into the wall. Danger, much? I have discovered that he begins to do those things when he is not getting his way about another issue, such as, I will  not let him play on the computer all day. One day, he asked me to play a certain game on the computer and I would not let him. The day before he had a complete meltdown and was very upset at the game, I only found that out after I heard him throwing chairs in the computer room while I was making lunch, I went in and then he turned his upset on me. I put two and two together and asked him about the game, he calmed down a moment so I could try to show him how to play so he wouldn’t get upset. It didn’t work and he just got upset again, the game didn’t make sense to me either so I wasn’t about to give it another go the next day.

After he flicked on and off all of the knobs on the stove and kept looking at me, I asked him why he was doing this.

After a few moments of repeating the word “nothing”, I said “Daniel I know there is something because you keep doing this. Are you upset at me?”. He got off of the counter and said “Yes”. He then told me about the game and I explained to him how the game was not a good game and even I couldn’t figure it out. I found another one for him to play that I knew he liked and the day went very well after all of that. That was a pivotal moment in him sharing why he was upset and he has been communicating these things a lot more which is awesome!

This past week marked another pivotal moment.

Daniel hurt himself on a toy the other day, he walked on a Lego, actually he ran on the Lego. Those can be quite painful, I too have had my share of Lego attacks. The difference this time was that he came up to me, he did ram his head into me but not as hard as he did in the past, immediately I tensed up ready for the past behavior to unleash and I started looking for the ow. In the past and still today, I ask him what happened, are you hurt, can you show me where it is? Not all at once because that overloads him and makes it worse, I learned that the hard way. He stopped and said “my foot”, then he sat on the floor and showed me his foot! I looked at it and then tickled it and kissed it and asked if it was any better. He sat in my lap and wanted me to hold him as his foot healed rather quickly. WHAT?

That was all new to me and he not only got over it, he went back to playing like nothing happened at all.

I was kind of in shock, he normally would be on edge the rest of the day. NOPE not that day! Then as I was preparing yet, another meal, (these things always happen when I am doing something) I heard a loud BUMP in the wall. Living in this house, loud bumps are quite common, especially if the kids are jumping on Daniel and Joshua’s bed, the majority of the time it is just the boys kicking the wall, throwing a toy, falling into the wall and thinking that it is hilarious. Not on that day, Ariel came running in and said that Daniel got hurt. OH, I had images running through my head, we were going to have to go to the hospital, I was not going to be able to calm him down and many other thoughts that flooded my head in the 3 seconds it took to get to the bedroom. He was laying on the bed and I asked him if he was hurt.

He looked up at me and reached for me.

I came down next to him and he gave me a little hit on the arm, I told him “do not hit mommy”. I saw that his head had a little bump and was red and I asked him if he hit his head, he said yes and then he got in my lap for me to hold him.He was still upset but he wasn’t being aggressive so I asked him if he hurt my wall. I stumped him. He looked at me in complete confusion, then he looked at the wall, then back at me and said “That’s not right, the wall is not a guy. You are silly.”. He snapped out of it and got back to playing rather quickly. These things are amazing BUT it gets better. I was taking a shower and David was playing with the kids, Daniel came into David and put his head on him, David asked him what was wrong and he pointed to his ear. He said “ear” and pointed again. David looked and there was a red mark on his ear, Daniel then lifted up his car and David asked if the car pinched him. Daniel said “Yes, the car pinched my ear”. He wanted a hug from David and wanted to be comforted.

After that he was perfectly fine and went on to playing again.

No throwing the car and taking out his frustrating on us or other toys. He asked to be comforted, he told us what had happened and he was able to move on. I still am amazed by it. It’s unfortunate that he had several accidents this past week but the good thing is that he has been able to communicate about them. This area of communication has been quite challenging because it would take serious detective work to figure out what had happened or what he was upset about. I am very happy about him telling us what has happened because Daniel is much happier. He is seeing the power he has to control his situations with his words and the way he can explain things to us. He may not be giving a detailed account but he is showing us and we are responding. I am sure there were many times he felt so frustrated because we didn’t understand what had happened or how to help him.

The comfort thing is new, he hasn’t wanted us to hold him when he got hurt or upset in the past.

Or maybe he did but didn’t know how to tell us other than pushing into us or being aggressive. We just didn’t understand. It doesn’t stop there, last night Joshua accidentally fell on his castle and hurt his knee, nothing major but Joshua wants, no NEEDS to be comforted. He is a lovey dovey kind of guy, I was consoling Joshua while David was rebuilding the castle, Joshua was very upset about the castle falling and continued to cry. After a few minutes Daniel came over with an MP3 player and gave it to Joshua. Earlier Joshua wanted to listen to music but didn’t have any head phones, Daniel gave him the head phones too. It was a great moment and even though Joshua didn’t want to listen to music he thanked Daniel. David and I looked at each other with surprise and then told Daniel how great it was for him to try to help Joshua and comfort him. Daniel was very happy about that, it made him feel good to help his brother. Daniel has been asking for several months, when someone cries, “Why are they crying? Why is he crying? Why is she crying?” He asks when the people are not crying and we explain to him what is actually going on. Well David does mostly, to be honest half the time I have no idea what people are doing or why they are doing it.

I too ask “Why are they crying?” (That is another post.)

It has been really amazing to see Daniel connect things for himself, share what he is feeling, be able to communicate what has happened and just be an all around more happy guy. It makes me very happy to see him not be derailed by one event of the day, that at times has derailed whole weeks. I am happy for him and overjoyed that he is able to enjoy himself. It makes his relationship with Ariel and Joshua more fun too. I know that Ariel and Joshua are happy for him as well, they will cheer him on when he tells me what happened or when he talks about things he is thinking about. I think there are many reasons this is happening for him. I believe him getting older has something to do with it, his verbal skills getting better, the fact that he is playing more with Ariel and Joshua (really playing not just watching) and the social skills curriculum I’ve been incorporating, are making these things all come together. I am still thinking to myself “Did that just happen?”

It did happen and I am very thankful.

Here is another post I wrote that has other resources for social skills. Social Skills and Autism Learning Helps

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11/15/10

Daniel’s First Stories

This morning while David was setting up a whole Lord of the Rings adventures with Ariel and Joshua, I had some one on one time with Daniel. I decided to tell him a story, I made it up as I went and then after the story I asked Daniel what the story was about. I asked him the first question, who was the story about, he said “nothing”. I changed how I asked and gave him three choices, was it about a boy named Daniel, Joshua or Zach. He said “about Zach”. He was correct, I then asked him questions about the story giving him three choices and he was able to tell me about the whole story.

I decided to try to have him tell me a story.

I gave him three choices for the what or who the story would be about, I made the mistake of saying “a boy”. I didn’t give the boy a name, Daniel said “a boy” but then I confused him by asking for a name for the boy. He then said “How about a cat, Nathaniel.” I said ok and then proceeded to ask him questions with three choices. He gave me the words and then I wrote them out for him so he could hear his story.

“Boy Cat” by Daniel

Nathaniel is eating cat food. He likes cat food.

I did this two more times with him and then he lost interest and got fixated on a remote control that he insisted that I must fix. However, the remote control belongs to some random electronic item that we no longer have and I can’t even remember what it is for. He has a whole collection of random remote controls, now that he has figured out how to read what kind of battery goes in them, he will demand that I find the batteries for these remotes that belong to nothing in our possession and he tests them all by looking for the beaming light. We had a little rift this morning over the remote but all is well now, for the moment. However, he has brought me three other remotes and insisted that some blue remote which I haven’t a clue about will fix all of them. I guess it is the “Remote God” or something.

Anyway.

Here are Daniel’s other two stories.

“Silly Mommy” by Daniel

Mommy is making a sandcastle in the car, on her way to church. Mommy is silly.

After he had chosen “sandcastle”, I asked him the three choices for where, at the beach, in the back yard or in the car. He picked in the car and then said “That’s not right, you don’t make a sandcastle in the car”. He then added “Mommy is silly” and I asked if that was part of his story and he said yes.

“Remote” by Daniel

Daniel is happy with his working remote.

That is what he said and then he was gone. These seem to be a very good start for him with story telling, especially since he has never done this with me before and he has never had the patience for it either. Ariel and Joshua tell stories all the time, they are great story tellers. In the morning they share their dreams that they had and give amazing details, they are much like mine, quite long, colorful, odd and a hodgepodge of strangeness. Though at times I believe that they are embellishing them. I hope for Daniel to be able to tell creative stories as well, they seem to help all of us with our world.

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11/14/10

It Never Fails

I was pretty down yesterday, I have figured out the several reasons for it, now that I have thought about it and talked to David about it. I am so thankful that he listens to me and let’s talk about what I am feeling even when I have no idea what I am feeling. Last night though, I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I was tired of analyzing myself. I just wanted to be done with it already. There are some serious paradigm shifts going on in my brain and it is a hard thing to articulate and reason out sometimes. Overall, this is all good but I personally do not like being sad. I want to be happy all the time. One of my key phrases, especially if someone is interfering with my happiness is to say “STOP STEALING MY JOY!”.

I mean it, I do not like it when I do not feel joyful.

Which has been often in my past, not so much in the recent years, so when I get hit with sadness it bothers me a lot and I just want it to stop. I am now thinking that this may be the reason why I get hit with what feels like a sudden burst of unhappiness. I haven’t really dealt with something that I need to or I do not know how to so I forget about it. Then when things start to get hectic, I feel like things are spinning out of control, my mind steps into a vortex of gloom. Oh, that is going to be my Super Hero name “VORTEX of GLOOM!”  But not for long because I shall get my joy back and the gloom will dissipate, I need a happy Super Hero name as well. :- )

Today proved one of the main joys in my life.

I was in class today with the 4 and 5 year olds at church. My kids had to stay home with daddy because Daniel had a temperature early this week, he got sick with a stomach thing, though the other two did not have fevers and Daniel hadn’t had one in three days, we were not going to chance them being contagious to others or being susceptible to something else while their bodies were still fighting this thing off. I went to church alone for the first time in a very long time. I can’t even remember the last time I went alone. I was pretty relieved to not have to make breakfast and pack lunch and get everyone ready, all the while freaking out that we are going to be late and no matter how early we are leaving we are always late! It gives me anxiety. Even though, no one else gets upset with us if we are late, everyone is pretty lax about it.

I have to say not having all of those things riding on my shoulders this morning was a nice little break.

I then usually have the added anxiety of never knowing what Daniel is going to do. It seems silly for me to think that because most of the time Daniel will hold in all of his frustration until we get to the car or home and then will unload. I have anxiety about that too because I never know when or if it’s going to happen, then I have to spend the day trying to figure out the why. I admit though, it has not been this way since we took our break from church. Daniel has actually been much better in class and afterward, he is happy to go and when he is not up to it, I listen to him now and we don’t go. I have discovered that it is alright to take a break and I am not horrible or upsetting God if I miss a Sunday. That is a long story and frankly my issue.

So today, I went to class with the kids and another teacher who is great.

As I sat playing with them all and talking to them, the joy starting filling up my heart. I love being with my kids all the time, I have my days, weeks sometimes when I just want a break but I truly enjoy being home with them and having fun with them. I also love being with other kids. When I first started going to church the first ministry I served in was children’s ministry, I loved it. I served for three years at my first church, then went into other ministries at my other church but missed the kids, then when we moved here I started serving at our last church in the children’s ministry. I really enjoy all of the ages but my favorite would be 4 and 5 year olds. I helped out in preschool and elementary, I helped write Bible curriculum for the church for those ages, I helped lead a dance team called the Holy Hip Hoppers, and helped with Vacation Bible School. In my first church I also helped with VBS, I was a main character in the skits we did and one year I even lead the acting team.

I loved it, I miss it.

I enjoy sharing the love of Christ with kids, not to indoctrinate them but to show them love and acceptance. I really enjoy the laughter and freedom that many children have and I am very sensitive to those who do not have that. I feel drawn to build into to them and give them a sense of self-worth. It’s most likely because of myself not feeling that as I grew up. Maybe I am projecting but I am not in a creepy way, I really love being with kids and just being silly and happy with them. I have always been that way, even when I was little I took care of children younger than me or who seemed to need protection. It’s funny that I didn’t recognize the need for myself. My grandmother still tells this story about me, the night of my one and only BIG dance recital, one of the girls messed up and went the wrong way. I stopped dancing while all the other girls kept going, I went and got the girl and helped her get back in sync with us and we finished the dance. I barely remember, what I do remember was the feeling that someone HAD to help her and no one was.

After being in class today, I was reminded of the many things that bring me joy.

I love life, I love learning about people, I love spending time with children and listening to their ideas and how they see the world. In a lot of ways I see it the way they do and what gets me so angry is when the world or someone takes my childlikeness and ruins it. They steal my joy. But the one thing that never fails is if you put me in a room with a bunch of little ones to play, sing, dance and learn with I will always be filled up with joy. I am smiling again and very thankful to have had so much fun today.

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11/13/10

I Really Don’t Know Why

I am not sure why but I have been feeling sad all week. It is getting to me. I am trying not to feel down but I am for whatever reason. I do have a lot of things flowing through my mind and I am dealing with feelings of isolation and loneliness. David and I talked last night and there are some issues that I have been struggling with for years that came to the service. I am trying to find my balance in myself now that I am no longer second guessing myself in many areas.

It is hard to be comfortable with your thoughts and feelings when most of the people around you are saying that they are wrong for me to feel and have. I have allowed people to cause me to feel as if I have no value. I have allowed myself to believe that I have no value. I don’t know how to be ok with not doing that anymore. I tried to write to get out what it is that is bothering but I just don’t have the words to describe it yet, this is all I could get out.

Invisible

I am a shadow,

A vision unseen.

My words are vapors,

Gone like a dream.

Hands reach out,

Look at me I say!

Give me some hope,

A glimpse, a ray?

Walking in the mix of the crowd,

Hurt and ache my silent shroud.

Lost in the midst of forgotten friends,

They never knew me, where could they begin.

Shape shifter—me!

Busting inside, so much to share,

Passersby, not even a glare.

Words, my shadow, lifeless gleam.

Now and forgotten not heard or seen.

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11/13/10

Saturday Morning

This morning David was trying to plan something to do with the kids. If he is not bogged down with a deadline, he usually spends Saturday morning with the kids. David loves, I am talking L-O-V-E’s games and he wants to play them whenever possible. I am not a big game player, it has a lot to do with the fact that growing up I was an only child in the house until I was 12 yrs old and frankly I like playing my games, by my rules. I do not have the patience to wait for the directions or wait for others to get the directions. Another thing is that my dad’s side of the family are freaky competitive, not just freaky, past experiences have moved into wrestling matches and being smacked in the face. So a little psychotic I guess. I find it not to be a fun avenue but more like a trigger induced adventure of anxiety and stress.

I play games with the kids but I would prefer to read or dance before I suggest a game.

This morning David suggested they play the Heroscape game and I was hesitant because Daniel usually doesn’t want anything to do with it. He is not a big game person either and what happens is Daniel is left alone, playing by himself while all the Daddy time is spent with Ariel and Joshua playing games. David insisted that he would try to include Daniel and try to make a group effort. Heroscape, happens to be a special interest of David’s and he has a large amount of the game tiles and figures. Good news, all the kids sat down and built an awesome landscape, picked out the characters they wanted and built their characters homes. Daniel totally participated and it was great to see him be actively involved and talking with all of them about his Troll that he picked and how he was building his home and landscape.

It didn’t last as long as we had hoped.

After all of the set up, Daniel was done. It seems he is much like myself, just build it and walk away. For me the building part or the organizing of pieces is the game. I enjoy setting pieces up and then being proud of my accomplishment, it seems that Daniel felt the same way. Currently David, Ariel and Joshua are taking out robots with their Super Hero’s and Dragons. At one point the cat conquered all, only to be zapped off the earth by the all-powerful Ariel! Daniel is standing next to me right now asking me about a remote control so I guess I shall finish up and go play with Daniel. It was a great first half of the morning though and it was the first time Daniel participated in the Heroscape adventures, maybe he will last longer next time. He did enjoy himself though and is happy with his Troll home and water surroundings on his landscaping.

Here are some pictures of the Heroscape adventures.

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11/12/10

“I’m A Hand-Flapper”

Now I know several parents who would be quite offended at me just for this title. I cannot really give a good explanation why and either can they, really. There is good reason that I have titled this post the way I did, Daniel said it. The other night I was sitting on the couch, Daniel came up to me laughing and hand-flapping. In the midst of his constant giggles and almost hitting me in the face by accident he said “I’m a hand-flapper!”.  No one has ever called him this and it was pretty obvious that he was literally describing what he was doing and he thought it was hilarious.

I then replied “Yes, you are a hand-flapper. Why are you flapping your hands?”

He was still laughing and flapping and said “I have to, my brain is telling me to”. He then said “I need to it helps my brain.” Well there you go. I asked him how it helps his brain and he couldn’t really tell me except that his brain was telling him to do it and he had to do it. It also made him very happy and he couldn’t stop laughing. Before this had occurred he had gotten overloaded  staring into a spinning light, we had to put the timer on and put it away. He was upset with us and his head was not feeling right because he started rolling his head on the floor. I asked him if he wanted to swing or be squeezed in his blanket and he said quite annoyed “No”. We left him alone and within a few minutes out came our happy “hand-flapper”.

He doesn’t hand-flap a lot.

I really don’t care if he does or not, half the time I don’t notice unless someone says something to me about it and then I as diplomatically as possible, tell them that he needs to do it to help calm himself down. He only does it if he is highly stressed or by sounds that are getting to him, from what I have noticed. The other night though he was clearly using the hand-flapping to help him but I am not really sure the reason other than he was overloaded, come to think of it the sounds might have been getting to him. Joshua has been shrieking lately and making very loud Star Wars sounds that is getting to everyone except him. Ha! My little Jedi. Joshua was particularly loud that day so Daniel could have been using the light to help him focus on something else only to cause him more over-stimulation.

All of this popping in my head from hand-flapping.

It is good for me to go over events like that and try to piece things together. I am happy that Daniel doesn’t have any negative association to hand-flapping or any of the other things he does to help his brain. I do not see any reason for him to stop doing what he needs to unless of course it is harmful to himself or others, say he was hitting people while hand-flapping, like he almost did to me, then of course I would help to find another route. Although, when I asked him to be careful because he almost hit me he happily stepped back in the midst of his giggle frenzy. He stopped after a several minutes and then asked me to play, everything calmed down and we played marbles. He was happy and calm.

If Daniel’s brain is telling him to hand-flap and it’s helping him, then I am happy to let him and he can call himself a hand-flapper too. :-)

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