Monthly Archives: October 2010

10/31/10

Birthday Bash

Yesterday went great! Well after my almost meltdown and complete freak out over things not going as I planned. I did well controlling myself and just letting the kids be kids. They were so excited all day waiting, anticipating and being anxious. As I was trying to get everything ready, they were asking me questions, talking about their “presidents” (I don’t know why they call presents that we have corrected them over and over but that is their word for now.) Asking when grammy and auntie will get here, where is daddy, why is he gone so long, what is he getting, what is going on mom???? Daniel in the background to each of Ariel and Joshua’s questions, “why, why, why, why, why, why,why?”.

My head felt a bit dizzy.

I thought I had prepared well and had my list ready to go in the morning. I decided to make a gluten-free angel food cake. It was my first attempt, I was a little nervous. I read over the recipe for a week, over and over studying the ingredients and the instructions. I got up that morning went over the recipe again, I MISSED AN INGREDIENT! I looked at this a million times and I missed potato starch. I read for substitute ingredients and every where I looked there was no way to substitute. Look we are in a nook in the south and let me tell you it is pretty hard to find a lot of these ingredients near by, we can’t just hop to a store and get it, because they usually do not carry items like this. We have three stores close to us, one grocery store, there are a few that are about 15 mins. away but we were on a time constraint.

David had to run to the store, this was not in the plan.

I was so upset with myself but I moved on and went to the next task, the cake would just need to be made later. I felt awful because David needed to work not go out and look for some ingredient that should be easy to find but knowing full well it wouldn’t be. As he was out we realized that I had forgotten several other items as well. Sigh….What was wrong with my brain? I made lists I prepared and still I was unable to stay on top of this and make it a less stressful day. Anyway, David ended up going to 7 different stores, he found the potato starch and made it home safely, two hours later.

I started on the cake and it went smoothly.

Then everything was settling down, I had lunch finished, the kids were all settled as much as they could be while reeling with excitement, I was still feeling anxious though. My mom had emailed me and asked if I needed her earlier, I said yes if you can help with keeping Daniel off my hip because he has been super-glued to me for a week. I don’t know why but I can’t do anything. He refused to let me clean the house because he insisted that I stay with him. I think I know what that is about but I will write about it another time. Anyway I never heard back from her so I didn’t know if she was coming or not. I just needed a yes or a no, she knows this! But she too is under stress from other things so I knew I had to let it go. Over all everything was going well, until I went to make the icing.

It wouldn’t set!

I had the mixer going, it was loud and it wouldn’t set! Daniel was asking me to turn it off, I wanted to so badly. David had to take him to another room and shut the door because he was covering his ears and this could be the thing that would ruin it for him. Finally, after what felt like an hour and me on the verge of tears because it was frustrating and too loud, it set. I made the cakes and I had to hurry because I was late on the schedule. I thought everything should be fine now. BUT Ariel had requested a Wonder Woman cake, we got an edible sheet of her and it wouldn’t come off of the sheet. By this time I was pretty done, I told Ariel that I couldn’t get it off, waiting for her to be upset, but she was fine. She said “Ok, mom you can just put it on and we won’t eat her.” Sigh of relief.

I made Daniel’s fan cake in like two seconds and was worried that it was awful.

He said ” It has five blades!” I asked if he liked it and he said “YEAH!” Ok, good enough, let’s open presents. The present thing went great, my sister got Daniel the best present ever Imaginarium 100-piece Marble Race, he loves it. He really participated in unwrapping gifts, even when he was over it. He just wanted to play with the stuff he had opened and didn’t much care about the others but he did open them. Ariel was awesome, she had so much fun and was excited. She got some Scooby-Doo stuff, Lego’s, Superhero Women, and a Funkey’s guy she has been wanting for a long time. (A special interest that happens to be discontinued. We do find them cheap on Ebay.) Joshua got one gift and he could hardly control himself waiting, he got a cool Star Wars Lego book and my sister gave him a Scooby-Doo hat with ears. Too funny.

By the end of the day David and I were spent.

We basically collapsed and I realized that I had forgotten to eat all day, except cake, that could explain why I was feeling sick and also feeling more stress than I needed to. All in all it was a perfect day, no one got overloaded, everyone played together and shared their gifts, Daniel talked and didn’t go off by himself at all, which in the past he has done. He would just go off in another room to take a break, but he didn’t need to yesterday. He also started initiating contact with David instead of me. I sat right next to him and he directed his questions to “daddy”, that is new too we have been upgraded to “mommy” and “daddy” instead of “mom” or “dad’. I was so happy that he was talking only to David (I know that sounds a bit odd, but it is a good thing.) and engaging with him with his questions and asking him for help, especially with me right next to him. Now they are all having David build things with them and talking about the party they had.

It was a great birthday bash!

Side Note: Yesterday I did write the post Make-Up, while I was feeling all of this anxiety. I think my mind went off in this direction to help me calm myself. It did help for me to write and get my mind back to a calmer state. I published it today though because I wrote very quickly yesterday and I had to go over it.

Some pictures of the festivities and this morning.


Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/31/10

Make-Up

I was just now putting on some make-up, getting ready for the early birthday bash we are throwing for Daniel and Ariel. We are celebrating today because it is the best time for my mom and sister to come. It was supposed to be my two sisters but one had to work unexpectedly, she is also expecting to take her preemie baby home next week and since the actual birthday is during the week, we went with today. Unnecessary info? Anyway, as I was putting on some make-up, I remembered why I don’t wear make-up. I really can’t stand the feeling on my face. It annoys me and feels like I am wearing a mask.

Although, I do like to wear a bit when I go out.

I like to feel as though I look good, for some reason it makes me feel that way. I think it all psychological. My experience with make-up is stemmed in a special interest of my mother’s. When my mom was about 13 years old, one of her aunts gave her a Seventeen magazine. Before this she had no interest in beauty products and really didn’t see the need. Of course she was 13 years old so there was no real reason for her to be thinking of that back in the 60′s, right? Well she thought that it was the greatest thing ever. She was enamored with the fashion, which would be enticing because her special interest was sewing and making her own clothes. As she looked through the pages and studying all of the clothing she also noticed their faces.

Being an artist, I am sure that the face used as a canvas was enticing as well.

She began using her own face to try out all of the great make-up tricks and really liked feeling pretty. My grandmother enrolled my mom into modeling school shortly after her experience, to help with her self-confidence issues. She absolutely loved runway modeling, she absolutely hated tea room modeling. She loved dressing up in all of the latest fashions and her favorite were the wedding gown shows. She truly enjoyed wearing different faces that the make-up offered. She made the make-up into a script, a script that every woman should follow. My grandmother was not a big make-up person, she still slaps on a bit of pencil eyebrows and lip stick and bam, ready to go.

I am much like my grandmother, only mine involves a bit of eyeshadow, some eyeliner and mascara. DONE!

I still can’t stand it on my face, I have actually had to resort to wearing some foundation and powder, just to make me feel like my brown spots are covered. Age +sun = some brown spots. :-) As I was growing up, I went ahead and took on my moms script because she could always be heard saying “I can’t leave the house, I don’t have any make-up on!”. She still does this on occasion but has gotten a lot better, she used to wear a bit of make-up to the beach! It has been a long battle of ours, me telling her that I think she looks better without any make-up and her rolling her eyes at me and refuting it with “you’re my daughter, that doesn’t count”.

Since my “surprise” arrival ruined her modeling career, she found other outlets to share her love of make-up and beauty.

She sold Mary Kay as a second income. I loved setting up all of her trays and supplies. I was a great helper, I got all of her products together, helped her organize them, helped place orders, helped with inventory and with the figuring the correct costs/profits. I really enjoyed that part. Another thing that I really enjoyed was watching my mom get so excited as she taught women how to put the best colors on their face, how to use the products correctly, how she built into these women. She wasn’t selling a product she was enabling woman to feel confident, secure in themselves and feel that they had power to achieve what they wanted through the means of enabling them to look better. They looked better and they felt better.

My mom didn’t sell the products to make a lot of money, she could have she was very good.

She did it because that was how she knew how to build into women and this was a very effective way. Woman Power! That was my mom’s motto. But this brings me to the obvious confusion and frustration for my mom when it came to me. Why wouldn’t I wear the make-up? Like I said, I did for a while but I refused all the foundation, powder, blush and lipstick. I couldn’t stand it. My mom felt that I needed a confidence boost, so off I went to modeling school. It didn’t work the same for me. The thought of walking on a runway made me feel like I was going to throw up. Trying to memorize lines for commercials wasn’t happening. I like having pictures taken and doing all kinds of cool poses but I wasn’t in to it. The thing about modeling that I did not understand at the time, is that it is not about beauty, it is about a look. A specific look that someone is looking for.

I had a hard time understanding that, either you are ugly or you are not.

That was my understanding of modeling. I quit, I didn’t like the girls, the teachers, the make-up, the activities AND I had a psycho boyfriend who would follow me to my classes because he was convinced that I was going to find someone else. In a class, with all girls! OK! By the time I got to my senior year, I was over the whole make-up thing. I was done, I was done with the hair thing too. I didn’t want to spend the amount of time that I had each morning to give my hair the biggest poof bangs I possibly could and I didn’t want stuff on my face. My mom couldn’t understand this. Her not understanding this went on through out all of my young adult life and it wasn’t until this past year that she finally understood my dislike of make-up and why.

She didn’t comprehend that while she telling me all the time that I HAD wear make-up, in my mind she was saying I wasn’t good enough.

She couldn’t understand why I would wear wrinkled clothes, not brush my hair and just put it up in a bun (until I got mad and cut it short), why I wouldn’t wear make-up. She told me over and over again that if I didn’t change the way I looked that I wouldn’t be promoted at work. She was reciting a script that was spoken to her. She was wrong, I did get promoted but I always got a talking to from my supervisors about my appearance. I would change it until after a couple of months of receiving the position, that was all I could do. I worked over nights for a long period of time as well,  she was on me all the time to put on some make-up and dress better. I worked over night, unloading trucks with other people who work over night. I was not about to get all dolled up for them. Plus, the majority of them were men, I wanted to fit in with my fellow workers, besides I would sweat it all off, what is the point? To her that didn’t matter, this was a woman who was in labor with both of my sisters and refused to go to the hospital until she “fixed her face”.

I told her she was crazy and that she was going to sweat it all off anyway.

WHO CARES! After all of these years I am glad that I brushed her off and that only a tiny bit of my esteem was tarnished for a little while. I am perfectly happy with or without make-up. I look the same really, it is just that feeling of getting dressed up for something because sometimes that is fun for me. I do like to get on some nice clothes, fix my hair and wear a bit of make-up but I can’t do it everyday. I wish more women would feel ok with out wearing all of the make-up, or need the best clothes, or the latest hair style. The greatest thing is to accept yourself with all the beauty that you hold inward and outward. I know I am sounding like a cheesy chick flick but it is true. Society says it but they don’t really mean it. Other women accepting other women for who they are, just as they are, that is “woman power”. Building into one another, realizing each others gifts and being mindful of each others challenges is something that happens to be a pipe dream of mine.

I did learn to make adjustments to help me with this stuff.

I have gotten smarter throughout the years about the clothes I purchase, they don’t wrinkle. I have a system to get my make-up finished within 10 minutes. I have a very simple hair style that looks fine up or down and I don’t have to worry about brushing it so much. I am home most of the time so I don’t have to worry about it. Later in my work experience, I got jobs where I knew the whole appearance thing would not be an issue. I got jobs where I could wear clothes that made me feel comfortable.

Thankfully David thinks I am beautiful no matter what.

I know this because he doesn’t even know if I have make-up on or if I have fixed my hair. I am happy for that, he just sees me, not the outside me, all of me that meshes from the inside out. He has told me that I look good in my pj’s, I admit I roll my eyes but he means it. It’s comforting to know that he is not just saying it to get something. I never really looked bad just unkempt on many occasions. I know how to play the dress up game and I have been taught to do it well so when it is called for I do it and I admit it is fun for weddings and to go out looking all fancy schmancy for a day or night. I just can’t keep up appearances very well for long periods of time and frankly I don’t care to. I don’t really think about it, I like to feel comfortable and not have to think about my appearance. I think if more people were less concerned with their appearance they would be more in-tune to people around them.

Insecurity about what we look like seems to make us more self focused and in competition with others, from my experience.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/28/10

Parenthood

I ended up watching Parenthood a week or two ago.  I am not usually one who watches shows like that BUT they have a child playing an Asperger’s boy, it sucked me in. I wanted to know how they were going to pull this off. I watched off and on last season and had to work through some aggravation. I should have listened to gut and just went to bed the other night. I caught it halfway through and the scene was on the parents of the Asperger’s boy in bed talking about going to an Asperger’s support group. The husband refused and said that it was “stupid”. Long story short, at the end the boy came in the living room while the mother was gone and asked where his mom was. The father didn’t know what to say, he came up with she is at a common interest group meeting or something like that.

Last scene.

The dad walks into the support group, sits next to his wife and the leader asks if he has anything that he would like to share. Tearfully, the husband said that he was upset because he had to lie to his child about where his mother was because they had not told him yet that he has Asperger’s and “he dreads the day” that he is going to have to tell his son that he has Asperger’s. Throughout last season and so far this season, from what I have seen, the parents are having a pity party. The husband is selfish, doesn’t take into consideration anything that his wife is going through and is only worried that he is not “connecting” with his son. Keep in mind that he wants to connect through means of baseball and talking about his work, selling sports shoes!

I will not go on about the show, maybe they are doing it on purpose.

David told me it is a show, for entertainment, so I need to keep in mind that they are going to go for the ratings. I feel that it is a great shame. They make the boy seem like a dog, who only cares about getting stickers after he completes a task. I find it quite irresponsible of the creators of this show, to make such a negative light about Asperger’s. Here is a media outlet to showcase the positive, the different therapies offered, the support available for children on the spectrum and that parents can get that they may not know is available to them. They could be educating people about the sensory issues that people on the spectrum go through. They do not explain why the child is having a meltdown, to anyone watching it they would see it as no more than a child throwing a fit because he didn’t get his way.

That is not the case by any means.

There has not been a lot of information coming from the child’s point of view, hence the title “Parenthood”, I guess. I find it disturbing that so many people seem to not be aware of the child. From my point of view, it seems that they are attaching themselves to a cause and missing the people involved. In my post, Autistic Mom?” I talk a little bit about my confusion about women taking on the title. They may mean well, but I always wonder what does their child really feel from all of this. Have they been asked? What does it feel like for a child to watch a show like Parenthood? (Though it may be on too late, that is not the point.) If we want true awareness about autism, then we need to use our resources to educate not to draw on people’s emotions. By wearing titles we are still drawing on peoples emotions, we are asking people to please understand me because “I am a autistic mother”. Currently the media has swayed most people into feeling pity or sympathy for those who have a child with autism.

Poor so and so has to go through so much pain and suffering because, well you know.

I have a problem with not expressing that people on the autism spectrum are all different, they are gifted and challenged in different ways. Why can’t this be represented in our society? Especially through means of media?  From the current stand point, it seems as if the best thing to do is be sympathetic to the parent enduring such traumas and suffering. I am not taking away from the stress that parents feel. The show has not made it clear about what they are suffering from, except fear. Fear that they have a child that doesn’t do everything they want him to do, fear that they may get a divorce, fear that their son will never sit and listen to what “they” have to say, fear that they will never get connected on “their” terms. I hope that the direction of the show changes, but I probably should not watch it anymore. It may just keep getting me upset. It bothers me that they are part of an Asperger’s support group, which in title would suggest to me that it was there to support people with Asperger’s. I guess that is just semantics.

I know this is probably my mind having a problem with wording and actions.

I understand wanting others to feel what one feels, I understand not wanting to be alone in situations, that is not what I have  problem with. I have a problem with the victim approach. Who is the real victim? This show and many other blogs and you-tube videos I have watched reminded me of watching a video of therapists showing how to help children on the spectrum prepare for Halloween. It doesn’t seem to be about the child, it seems to be about the parent or caregiver. They gave the children treats for sitting in each piece of their costume for a period of time, they received treats for saying trick or treat, they received treats for answering a question about their costume.

Halloween costumes are uncomfortable for children with no sensory issues, I am just saying.

I ask, has anyone really thought about who the evening is for? Does the child really want to wear those things, maybe they do, but what is it like for a child on the spectrum to 1) be required to wear something that is potentially painful, 2) on one evening out of the year they are allowed to run around the neighborhood to strangers houses, 3) not only go to a strangers house but receive candy from them when throughout the year they are told that these things are wrong. Ok, maybe people only go to places and people they know, but if the child really does not want to participate why make them? Am I the only one who thinks that they are being treated like an animal when they do something perceived as good? There are other things I could add to this list but I will leave it to the three. The media outlets are not talking about what the child has to endure to participate in an event, one like Halloween has so many sensory issues and that should be discussed.

Even if the child does want to participate, is anyone preparing for what they are going to need afterward?

Are there going to be stickers given when the child does well to suppress all of the anxiety and over-stimulation they feel after Halloween? :-/ What about the candy and the possible obsession with their candy, “their” candy that they earned by going to people in their costumes and answering their questions. They are going to need a release, are they going to be allowed to do it or be told how they are behaving badly? I am thinking too much about this and I need to let it go. I just find it incredibly frustrating that we are being represented by people who wear the title “autistic” and they are not and I find it frustrating that so many people are going to base their opinions about autism and autistic people on shows like Parenthood. I find it frustrating that a lot of people seem to think getting a child on the spectrum through the event is considered fun, but from what I have seen not too many people are asking the child if it really is fun for them.

I am always capable of being wrong, maybe I am just misreading things, but currently this is how I have observed it.


Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/28/10

Autistic Mom?

For several months I have been searching for “others” like myself. I have been searching for mothers who are on the Austism Spectrum as well as having children on the spectrum or children not on the spectrum. I wanted to know if there was anyone else feeling what I was feeling as a mother. There are many great blogs out there from people on the spectrum (and not on the spectrum) and I have found the similarities that we do share to be very comforting. I am grateful to have found them. I have really benefited from mothers who have children who are now older, they all have fought the good fight (still are) and have some great resources and insight. (By fight I mean, stigmas, getting into schools, trying to get health benefits, things like that.)

Still I have been searching for a mother like me.

A mother on the spectrum, along with a child on the spectrum, a mother of young children, a mother who home schools, a mother who may be going through what I am going through in real-time. Some are pretty close to my experiences but I understand that we are all different so I am not going to find all of the same criteria as myself. I admit that took me a little time to comprehend, but now I see that I can learn much more from various points of view than from exact situations that I am going through.  I am still searching for more of us out there, though. However, in my search I have discovered something most irritating to me. I have put in my search engines various, numerous, billions of different ways to word “Asperger’s Mom or Autistic Mothers”.

And what did I get?

I got all of these blogs that belong to mothers with children on the spectrum. Now I may seem a bit naive, I know, but when I put in my searches I really expected to locate fellow mothers on the spectrum. I admit, I got really frustrated. I couldn’t understand why on earth these women would label themselves “Autistic Mom or Asperger’s Mother” when they were neither autistic or Aspergers. I finally voiced my frustration that I have been holding for these several months, to David. I was so annoyed with my final search the other night and I told him why. He sat listening to my rant and then pulled out of the air “Soccer Mom’s” do not play soccer.

I stopped cold, looked down, did the Scooby-Doo “EERRR” with a head tilt.

He even said “I pulled that one right out of the air”. He then went on to walk me through with my reasoning skills to finally understand that “Autisic Mom” does not mean she is autistic she is a mother with a child who is on the autism spectrum. It still doesn’t seem right but now I understand it. Whenever I went to their blogs I would read things that kind of upset me or hurt because I didn’t understand where they were coming from. Now I know, I get it. Words do not always mean the same thing to me as they do others.

It boils down to semantics and how people view things differently….I guess.

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
10/26/10

1001 Questions in an Hour!

We have had some pretty challenging days this past week. The kids are all off and have been in sensory overload for a week. Ariel has described to me that her head “looks black inside and then it spins” Joshua is just crying and Daniel, well Daniel is obsessing about items that I have packed away at least 6 months ago from his inability to let it go. Needless to say I am a little frazzled. One thing that really sets my head reeling is Daniel asking for objects, toys, and games that I first have to figure out what he is talking about and go through my file system in my head of where it is. Then my questions, what is it, where did I put it, did I get rid of it, does he have it in his hand and is still asking for it? Those are some of the questions. These can cause me to shut down. Thankfully I have been full of stamina this week and surprisingly at peace.

Maybe it’s the calm before the storm.

Let us hope not. I think the full moon and weather dropping a few degrees have caused some of these issues. The slightest change can at times cause these scenarios. Of course there is another factor, that is that David is pretty stressed. He is at the end of a major project and starting several others at the same time. It is not an easy task to keep everything is order and hop from editor to writer on different subjects in a day. I think that is throwing all of us off a bit as well, David is normally not on edge. Though his edge is still about a million times calmer than my edge. :-)

Now that I have figured all of that out, my next deal is “What is going on with all the questions around here?”.

Ariel has always been very observant to details and has always asked a lot of questions. My mom says that I drove her crazy with all of my questions, apparently it was all day long and they involved wanting to know how things worked, where things went, why we had to do things a certain way, what life was all about, what is truth? You get the picture, I drove her to meltdowns at times. Ariel is the same way, David and I welcome the questions, we think that it is great and answer them with filtered adult answers as much as possible because she will not accept a token answer. Actually, if we give her a token answer she will keep asking questions until she is satisfied that we have indeed answered her question to the best of our ability. If we don’t know the answer we look it up together, in whatever source we feel will best work. Sometimes that will require several resources but the questions get answered to the best of knowledge. But I have my own 1001 question soaring around in my head, how can I answer theirs too?

We have been used to Ariel and her questions.

How, where, why, when, who, you need to explain, show me pictures, draw a map, take it apart, you know things like that. Now the past several months Joshua has jumped on the questions bandwagon and goes to town all day as well. They have different reasons for their questions and require different explanations. Joshua can ask questions and files away every detail there is to remember to ask a question on such topics as Star Wars, Batman, Iron Man, and Lego’s. He asks me things about them that I just do not know and have to go get assistance from David, the expert on these topics. Ariel’s questions are much easier for me because they are usually something that I am interested in so I have no problems, but I have virtually no interest in discussing how Anakin became Darth Vader and how he was so upset about his mother that it helped play a role in his anger issues. I am a fan but it is not a full-blown interest.

I do appreciate his questions and welcome them.

On certain days I have no problem talking about Boba Fett’s ship and how it got all dinged up. I have days that I do love discussing how there are a trillion different Lego shapes and how people create such amazing things out of them. Then there are days that I just don’t want to answer any questions about Batman, who cares how Bruce Wayne made a flying cape and whether or not the flames from his flying car ship thing will hurt anyone. I don’t say that to him of course, but I get a little over the topics. I know it’s my problem because I have a limited amount of interest in those things. David can talk to him for hours about it and that is great.

In the past couple of weeks with Daniel’s speech really picking up, he has had a ton of questions.

All of the things that he has been thinking about, all of these years, have been bottled up and he has been waiting for the day that he could ask “WHY?”. For four days straight, I have been asked why about everything. Why and what, all day long. I think my brain would not feel so chaotic had this been just Daniel with questions, maybe. However, having Ariel’s new special interest of how the body works and Joshua suddenly taking this interest as well, along with Daniel’s new interest in how everything works, especially his “toys”, (vacuum cleaner brush, a combination lock, a shower head, the printer, spinning lights, old cell phone, night lights, those are some of his toys) it has been a bit much. My head is spinning, I am not complaining, I just need some air! I had to take a few deep breaths and regroup. I have explained that I don’t know everything, it’s better they learn this at such a young age, instead of having to deal with their disillusionment in their preteen years.

I just assume get it over with now, “MOM KNOWS NOTHING!” that is all.

I am happy that they ask all kinds of questions and feel that they can ask us whatever pops into their minds. It helps me to learn more also because I don’t have the answers and I cannot answer the way my mom did once I got her to the point of exasperation, which was, “mommy just doesn’t know”. It was so frustrating for me as a kid, I NEEDED to know and she would answer with that, what? She recently told me that part of her getting me encyclopedias and dictionary’s was to help me with all of my questions. If she didn’t know the answer, she would pull them out and read to me, as I got older and was able to read myself she would send me to my library to find the answers myself. I guess in a way I am doing the same thing. The only difference is I don’t have to work several jobs and I am not a single mom, so I have a lot more time that I can spend answering their questions. I am thankful she taught me how to find answers on my own, I hope to instill that into our kids.

I love that our kids ask so many questions, I just wish that sometimes they would be on the same topic and not be 1001 different ones in an hour. :-)

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/19/10

Oh, GREAT!

Just when I start to read his book about anxiety, he gets arrested for child pornography. I just saw this today and am very torn. Dr. Nick Dubin has been arrested. Here is the link about his arrest. http://www.aspieweb.net/dr-nick-dubin-arrested-child/

Only about a week ago I posted on Current Book, how I was reading “Asperger syndrome and Anxiety: A Guide to Successful Stress Management” by Dr. Nick Dubin. I feel sick. This is one of those moments where in the past I would have just thrown the book out and been disgusted by the whole event, along with having a solid opinion about the person who had been involved. Now, after having quite a paradigm shift in my thinking, I am discovering that just because a person may do something that seems vile, does not mean that everything they have done is wrong or corrupt.

I am actually learning a lot from the book and to just throw it out solely based on the actions of his life outside of this work, now seems quite silly. I think it is completely unfortunate and I am saddened by the situation but it does not take away all of his hard work and accomplishments from the past. The other thing is that we really do not have the whole story. We are not sure of what, how, or why he has been doing these things. Though it does seem quite grim and awful, we still do not have the whole story.

Out of this I have learned a lesson in being able to see the good things that people have accomplished, while also being able to separate their actions from their accomplishments. This is kind of a big deal for my brain. I am still struggling and inside I am fighting the urge to get his book out of my house, going on a tangent about child pornography and ranting in a violent rage against all pedophiles but I really see no point in getting myself worked up about it. What good would it do for the victims involved, me or my state of mind? It most likely would strip away the big mind change that I have had. Where else can I focus my energy and actually be productive? That is what I need to do.

I am still sad though, I am sad and sick about the whole situation.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/17/10

Employment-Career-What?

My journey in understanding Asperger’s has really taken off in this past year. I have devoted a lot of my time reading and applying as much of what I learn as possible to my life and Daniel’s life. I know that this will be a life long journey. Actually, I apply it everyone around here. I do the research, share it with David, we discuss, evaluate and pick and choose the best things for our family’s needs. Each of us have different issues and David and I help each other in one way by explaining our sensory issues or social issues and seeing patterns in the children that seem very similar or are the same. We have been able to help eliminate many misunderstandings and aggravation with each other and the kids.

Employment is one of those things where I thought that we were different.

I was brought up by my mother who had a very strong work ethic and her parents generation focused on finding an occupation, then doing it for the rest of your life. My mother started her career with Target before it was called Target. She had worked at a craft/sewing store as a second job as well and that was more enjoyable for her. She loves to sew and do crafty sort of things. I am not really giving her the respect in that area that I should, she is a very talented artist, seamstress and all around creative person. However, all of her talents are being wasted working as a supervisor in a hardware store, because she doesn’t see how she can make any money to live on by selling her paintings, crafts or as a seamstress. I can, but if she cannot there is nothing that can be done.

I too have spent years in a work place for means of income.

As soon as I was of age, I got a job at Target also, I worked there for 7 years and my mom for 21 years. Side note here–I had no favoritism, my mom wouldn’t even let me tell people that I was her daughter. I was never allowed to call her mom when I would come to her store, I had to call her by her name. The work motto was “The second you walk into the building all personal stuff no longer exists”. The thing that kept us at Target for so long was that we were able to move to so many different positions.

Both of us would transfer to different departments or get promoted. (We never worked in the same store.)

We  would learn the new job, excel and then move on. When bored with that, we would transfer to new stores, when bored with that, well they were always creating new jobs so there were endless possibilities. Until my mom became a store manager, then she was stuck for a while. She did achieve her goal of opening a multimillion dollar store ground up but several years later she quit. I had worked my way up to executive and after going through numerous situations that I plan on writing about at a later date, one day I woke up and said that is it, I am quitting. I just bought a brand new car and decided it was time for me to pack up and leave that place forever. People thought that I was loosing my mind. I think I would have lost my mind if I stayed. There was no finding a new job in that area, I had it in my mind that I had to start all over.

I moved to my old state and started over.

I had several different jobs and usually got promoted to management and then quit. I decided that I no longer wanted to have any sort of management type of job. It just so happened that the perfect job opened up for me at an antique toy roadshow company and all of my knowledge about Barbie got me a job. I was head over the vintage Barbie’s and all of her accessories, action figures, super heroes and any other type of collections that dealt with those types of dolls or figures. I loved it. I could wear headphones all day, wear whatever clothes I felt like and put together all the Barbie outfits I wanted to, fix the dolls, check the model numbers, clean them, everything. It was perfect. Then I got promoted (I accepted because I needed more money.) and found out how unethical the company was, I couldn’t work on what I wanted to and they were all liars, so I quit.

The reason I quit Target was because of my own morals as well.

I couldn’t handle having knowledge about things and keeping it from my employees. I was put into positions to not tell the whole truth because management has more information that should not be shared with employees, most of the time. I cannot do it. I would ache and hurt and shut down. I am just not made to be in management if I have to deal with those things, just let me work. Another job I had was as a human resource person for a temporary agency. It was the worst job for me ever! I was sick everyday, emotional drained and most of the time, on my weekends off, I had to just lay in bed from sheer exhaustion. We had people in and out all day. I had to talk on the phone, do interviews, talk to clients, talk to employees and then there were ethical issues there also.

I once again packed up all of my stuff, quit and moved to another state.

While reading about people on the spectrum, I noticed how one of the criteria was that they could not hold a job or they had several different issues on the job. Now I do not believe that applies to everyone on the spectrum but it made me think about it. I thought well I can hold a job so maybe I am not so much on the spectrum. However, I had serious communication issues, meltdowns, and “attitude” problems while on the job. Um….all of my jobs. What I have shared is just a little bit of my employment information. Basically, in all of my jobs except one, I just decided one day that was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t care if I had money or not, there was no way I could walk back into that building again. I was done. I was done with the people, the work, the atmosphere, I was done with everything. My mother has never understood this and told me on numerous occasions that I can’t do that. Well I did do it and if I ever have to work in a building with people again I most likely will do it again, unless everyone leaves me alone and lets me work. Also if the lights are not making me nauseous, the air doesn’t make me gag, the sounds are not too much and if I never have to talk to another living soul in there, unless it is a mouse or some sort of animal. :-)

I thought I didn’t have problems with employment.

After looking over all of my situations, I see there are several other posts to write about on my personal journey of employment–or lack of. As I have been reading, I now understand that David and I are actually quite similar when it comes to employment. David and I met while he was in graduate school, working on his dissertation for chemistry. David has not gotten any work as a chemist since he left. We are not sure why, except for divine intervention, he has been able to get the work that he has. David has been an adjunct professor for biology, anatomy & physiology and math. He has written/edited curriculum and text books for those subjects along with pathology. He edits all sorts of media for a cancer research center, was an online home school teacher for middle school for a while and taught science and chemistry for home school high school students. He developed a science text-book for a Christian publishing house and edited previous books for them, but in the end they were not staying true to the vision and were making it into fluff science.

He had to quit.

That is the last time he has worked in a building for anyone. He cannot physically work in an environment like that, the social stuff that was going on was ridiculous. There is a lot to our story but bottom line David can work in an office if we plan on our lives being completely chaotic. Overall it is not worth the money. Even though the free-lance life does not pay as much as it would seem, especially naming off the publishing jobs that he has done. They all sound glorious but the pay is not and we have to pay our own taxes, insurance, everything. We do save on gas, car maintenance, and other things but the ultimate is that it saves David’s sanity. David is very versatile and able to learn quickly, he is also extremely creative when it comes to teaching people so he gets jobs a lot of times based on how he presents ideas in new and fresh ways. The funny thing about David is that he too walked away from his career. I had planned on working at Target for the rest of my life, I had my eyes set on District Manager. Until I discovered that most of the work as an executive deals with people, not the work. David had a job in a laboratory in The Netherlands, he had to turn down. He no longer felt called to do it and even had his own moral issues with what he was doing in the lab.

As I look at some of this I see that I do indeed have issues keeping employment.

I am now discovering that I didn’t think so because I was the one who decided to end it. I could feel myself in each situation getting ready to blow. Everything would be too much. The people, the atmosphere, my life would begin to spiral and I would shut down. I would either spend countless hours working or getting fixated on a person or fixated on a situation. I would then go home and fixate on whatever or just sleep. All I wanted to do was work and people wouldn’t let me. I just wanted to do my job and people would get in my way, circumstances would arise and cause my plans for the day to get rearranged or messed up completely. This would then cause major attitude from myself and people were not fond of the “angry Angel”. I remember one day my employer at the temporary agency asked me “What motivates you to work?” and I replied without hesitation “Responsibility”. She scoffed at me and said “Come on, be honest. Is it money, benefits what?” I was taken back by her comment and I told her that I was being honest,”I work better when I am given more responsibility. I don’t care about money”.

She didn’t believe me and said something like “Oh, ok”.

I find money very annoying and I wish we were not so bound by it. I hate it that David cannot work on his passion because he has to take whatever jobs to ensure that we are taken care of. I hate that I do not know how to use my gifts to get extra income to help out. We have gone over it and over it but the amount of stress and anxiety that would fill our lives if I got a job outside of the home, it is just not worth it. I am discovering that a lot of people on the spectrum are in similar positions. I guess I am writing this because it feels comforting to know that we are not alone, maybe others will feel comforted too in knowing that they are not alone. Finding employment in a workplace that is conducive to the life challenges and giftings of people on spectrum is not an easy task. It is possible but David and I are still trying to find a career that pays to keep us out of debt and food on the table, while not causing us to lose ourselves or live in constant stress. My career right now is clearly being a mother, homemaker and home school teacher. Those are great things to have as a title but they do not pay well. :-) Although, I have never been more happy in any position as the one I am currently in.

There is no money in the world that can satisfy the peace and balance that David and I feel from him working at home.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/15/10

School Entertainment

I know I spoke about shows the other day and how I limit the kids watching shows, I need to be clear. I limit their show watching on certain shows. I don’t let them watch TV all day long or a lot in the evening, we as a family don’t really watch a lot of TV. We do get quite obsessive about a show at times, we get our fix and then we stop. Through out the beginning of our marriage we did not have cable or any channels, but while I was pregnant with the twins I got obsessed with period pieces and I had to watch every Poirot there was and every Sharpe that existed. One day I had about 8 videos of Sharpe lined up so I could watch them in order in one sitting.

I haven’t really found a show that I have become obsessed about for a long time. (Except documentaries, maybe.)

After my consumption of the shows, I went on to stop watching anything and spent my time reading a ton of books. I go through cycles. The kids do too and sometimes I do let them have a day of just watching their obsession of the month. But not often and it is usually when we are taking a break from our non-stop school, trying to be social schedule. I do use a lot of media in our schooling though. I like to incorporate music, physical activities, videos, websites whatever I find that I think will benefit our learning.

I do not limit them to kids only resources.

Ariel has a real learning passion for the body. She wants to know what is in us, how does it all work, what are cells all about, why is our blood red. She is the first one to investigate an injury around here (much like myself) and has her own medical supplies to take care of herself and anyone else who may want to have her medical skills applied to their wound. I have jumped on this and have given her books, videos and websites to frequent so she can get her learning fix. Her passion rubs off on Daniel and Joshua and they get so excited as she explains what things are and how they work. She feels the need to explain what she has learned to them even if they are not quite listening. One of the sites that we frequent is Argosy Medical, the Visible Body in 3D, is awesome. Especially, to an almost 6-year-old who thinks how the body works is SO COOL!

It is just loaded with information, animation, illustrations just all kinds of resources.

I know it is a pretty grown up site for kids but they love it so why not learn about the body, disease, infections, and whatever as early as possible, if they are interested in it? Besides it is a lot of fun. I admit that it is one of my interests too so we all learn together. Ok, I do have to say here that David has worked free-lance for them in the past but I am not trying to sell anything, they offer a lot of free information on there and we receive nothing for me sharing this site. I just wanted to clarify that. We also have a ton of Anatomy and Physiology and Pathology text books that David has taught from and uses as reference for other things that he writes. We have let them look through a few of them but there are some pictures that scare me so I am not sure the kids would be ok looking those pictures. :-)

Side tracked again, sorry!

I wanted to share some of the other resources I use because they are so fun. I have to share this song because it is the best and it is really funny to sing around the house with the kids. Actually, I really like the website so here is the home page to Ology. Here is the song “Glowing in the Ocean“. Another bunch of videos that we enjoy are from They Might Be Giants. They kids really like the songs and have learned quickly from them. Their favorite is Seven. I have several favorites myself like The Mesopotamians. They have a ton of videos with great teaching songs. For some reason I do not find these kids videos as annoying as say, Elmo or Sid the Science Kid. I have let the kids watch Barney and the Wiggles but they really like these better anyway. Good for me! :-)

There is a book series that we all enjoy as well.

Oscar and the_____, they have several of them I will just place pictures up and links for your looking enjoyment.

I read the books outside and then apply whatever we are learning, like if we are learning about sound we listen for the similar things that Oscar and his friend is talking about or one of them is about motion but they are outside so we took our balls and did the same experiment outside. It makes it more fun and we use all of our senses. I think it helps, they enjoy it either way. Another book that we use is The Usborne Internet-Linked Children’s Encyclopedia. They have the Usborne Quicklinks. You locate your country and then whatever book you are using that they have on the site, for the encyclopedia they ask for page number and then give you resources on the site to other links. I really like this because I am prone to search for hours to find as many resources as possible to use for school.

I have no idea what I am going to be like when they are in middle school or high school!

Hopefully they will gain my thirst for knowledge and the desire to learn their entire life. David and I are both like that so these guys will most likely be as well. Learning is fun, I love being able to share so many different resources with our kids and use their gifts to help enhance their learning. They all have their own interests and being able to stay home with them makes it possible to build into their interests and use it to help them learn various other things as well. I so wish school would have been like that for me. Oh, well at least for the time being I get to do it with our kids and enjoy watching them have fun and learn at school. There are many other resources I use but I cannot get them all on here today.

So for those who may not know about these I hope you get a chance to check them out!

I couldn’t find any places that showed the inside to see the illustrations for the Oscar series so I took some photos myself, not very good ones but they work.

Oscar and the Cricket

Oscar and the Bat

Oscar and the Moth

Oscar and the Frog


Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/14/10

Much Better

The kids woke up earlier than usual today and are happily playing in front of me, making mounds of dry rice clusters on the floor. They are trying to keep it all in the container but pouring it into funnels and measuring cups seems to have a splatter effect that is quite entertaining. It is a happy morning. I am about 98% sure that Daniel’s pain and frustration from the other day was caused by cheese. There could have been some other factors but it seems to be the cheese, you can read about that here No Cheese! .

I am happy to report that he is feeling much better.

Yesterday was a lot better but he still wasn’t feeling that well. He did however, complete all of school, participated and initiated play with all of us and did not stop talking. When he woke up yesterday, I asked him if he felt better and he said yes. I asked him if he was angry anymore and he said no. Then he looked right at me and said “Sid made me angry”. I probed, so apparently he was still upset at the computer. I let him play some of the games on Sid the Science Kid and during one of his games the computer shut down. The only reason I let him play on that one is because I like how the kids all keep science journals and talk about their findings. But it is not allowed often because it is so obnoxious at times.

Maybe it’s just me, but some of these kid shows are just too loud and some of the kids have a constant chatter or something.

My guys don’t get a lot of television time or video time because they get aroused or completely lethargic. I have to read them for the day and then determine whether they can have a show. They get obsessive too, I recently let them watch Wonder Woman. They then requested to watch all three seasons in one sitting. Um, NO! We don’t even have them, I just got one DVD  through Netflix to see if it was ok to watch. Through their probing me they discovered that there was three seasons. I was a huge Wonder Woman fan, I had a birthday cake one year that was Wonder Woman. I recently showed the kids the picture of my half eaten Wonder Woman cake, my mom forgot to get a picture before she cut into it. They were so excited and Ariel requested a Wonder Woman cake as well. Ariel and Joshua are Super Hero fanatics and at this young age already have various collections of Super Hero comics, toys and books. Thanks to David.

I have a lot to say about Wonder Woman but I will save that for another post. :-)

Where did I go? I am back now, anyway Daniel had a pretty good day yesterday and seems to be completely fine this morning. Joshua didn’t have any accidents yesterday either and I am very happy about that. Hopefully today will go really well and we will be able to start getting back into our groove. Although, I am not too happy that dry rice is being flung into the air like rain and peeking over I see that they have now covered the carpet with it. I don’t like dry rice on the carpet. I wasn’t planning on vacuuming today, though I should have since I pulled out the rice. Upon the request of Daniel, I reluctantly gave him the container. Yesterday they all played with dry beans, those are much easier to clean up. I guess the day will not start the way I planned. Oh, well I will try the counting to ten thing that never works and then 3 deep breaths that do not work either. :-)

I am surprisingly at peace today so I think it will be fine.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/13/10

No Cheese!

Oh, my. I am just sitting here asking myself “What was I thinking?”. Well, I know what I was thinking, but I shouldn’t have done it. Daniel has been doing so great, not only has he been talking more but he has been trying new foods. He has tried a fresh apple (cut into small squares) for me, he has eaten toast (cut into small squares), and tried peanut butter sandwiches again (cut into small squares). He finally likes gluten-free bread, I tried a new recipe so it is much better than the past breads we tried. So when he asked me for cheese, I was so excited I gave it to him. My whole critical thinking skills went out the window because he asked once again in the same way he did for the eggs. “Can I have cheese like Ariel and Joshua?” I hadn’t considered the possibility of it causing him problems. He had only had problems with milk before, we had never tried cheese, so I thought for a split second that it should be fine.

NOT!

No, it is not fine. Maybe I gave him too much but I don’t think so, I think he can’t eat it. Ever since I gave it to him, he has been having serious problems. He has gotten extremely angry and aggressive at moments. Why? Why? Why? Why did I do this when he is doing so well. I could kick myself! He did the same thing that he did on gluten products. He is grabbing his head, rolling on the floor and then in a daze. The good thing about all of this is that the culprit is so narrowed down that I believe that it is the cheese that stands alone. I haven’t introduced anything into his diet that he hasn’t really had before. All of the other foods he has been eating, he has had in various forms. Like the apple, he eats dried apples or applesauce. He has eaten bread before and he always eats peanut butter. He has even had a few bites of the bread before and had no problems. I still have to cut everything up into small pieces but he has eaten them before. I know that when I say “new foods” it isn’t exactly accurate. Although, I consider them new because it is a new texture, flavor or smell of a food he has eaten before. He has had cottage cheese and he eats yogurt and has not had any problems with them. I have gone through his food and the situations for the day and the only difference is the cheese.

There is another thing that I can think of as a positive.

At least he has been able to tell me what has made him upset after a moment of being angry. He has been able to communicate certain things that have set him off. Such as one time today he lost his watch and he just got angry, he wouldn’t talk to me, he just kept interrupting me with “AHH”. I explained to him that I couldn’t help him if he continued to do that. After about 15 mins. he finally told me that he couldn’t find his watch. Another time the computer shut down, he got really upset at that and then he was finally able to tell me what happened. It took him a lot less time to calm down and then talk to me but it is very clear that he is not doing well. This evening it sounded like there was an ambush going on in the kitchen and Daniel was capturing the microwave for some sort attack mission.  His head hurts, his belly hurts and who knows what else he is feeling. I hope it only lasts a day and that it doesn’t cause him to shut down. I don’t think it will last long, it is very different this time but I still wish I would have not gotten so over excited. I wish I would have thought it through, but now we know.

This is the last time I let my emotions get in the way! :-)

I know that I cannot beat myself up and we learned a lesson from all of this but it just hurts to see him in pain and not be able to help him. I know the feeling, when I eat something that I shouldn’t. I get so irritable and no matter how hard I try to control it, I can’t. I feel nauseous, bloated, tired, blurry, angry and I am unable to concentrate. Daniel cannot explain those things to me yet, but I am almost positive that he is feeling those things or at least very similar things. He doesn’t want to be angry and he is trying so hard to be alright but he just can’t. Not today at least. I am going to try to calm him and sit on the couch and wrap him like a burrito, sprinkle some “cheese” to get some tickles in there and see if he can fall asleep. Sleep is the only thing that helps me when I feel that way, hopefully it will help Daniel too.

I sure hope he feels better tomorrow and that everything will be ok.

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share