Exposed!
I have been going through my posts and I just realized just how revealing I am. As I read through them about myself it feels like a movie playing in my head. I feel like I am reading about someone else’s life and everything that they are going through, feeling, seeing and experiencing. I know exactly what they are talking about and I recognize everything but somehow it feels like it is not me. Then I will have that moment, the one where all of the information that I just read consumes some part of my brain and the revelation of the emotions and information is all about me. I have that gasp of reality and I feel helplessly naked.
I am EXPOSED!
What do I do then? Get all of it down, off of the blog? Shut her all down and pretend like I never existed? Flashes of people flood my mind and I think what on earth could they think of me and what they just read about me? Many other thoughts consume my mind and I shake my head, getting back to my normal frame of mind. As I let these thoughts go back into their chamber of anxiety in the back of mind, I remind myself that I am not exposing anything, really. This is me, this information is mine and I share it freely with those I speak to in person, via email or my blog. I freely expose myself and I always have. The only thing I truly fear is how others will respond to my freedom and honesty.
I don’t even think about it until I realize that someone other than myself has read my blog.
I don’t really think about what I write or what I say, I just say it. It doesn’t occur to me that others would find it to be very revealing or open. It’s me, but here is what I find interesting, it doesn’t feel like me at all. I am so disconnected from myself that what I write and what I am experiencing right now feel like two different worlds even though I am writing exactly what I am feeling. Does that even make sense? I have always had that experience, it feels at times that I am outside of myself watching my life through the words I write. I connect to myself when I reread what I have written. It all sounds rather insane, but it isn’t. I am not sure I can describe it properly.
There are times, like my past journals, that I cannot read for a long time.
When I reread my writings the emotions and feelings are too close and I feel as if the movie is playing right at that moment. There are some things that I am still not ready to relive. There are other things that I am quite embarrassed of, like when I read something that I have written and it was wrong. If I find out later what I thought was happening, actually was not what was happening I only felt it or perceived it that way, I get a sick feeling. There is nothing I can do about it now and what I felt at the time was real so I use those moments to help me with similar situations now and instead of thinking I know what is going on, I ask. This saves me much pain and confusion.
I think it is good to be exposed.
I think it is good to be open and honest, although I try to be considerate of others, I cannot guarantee that I will not say something offensive to others. The main reason for this is that I have no idea what is going to offend a person so there is nothing I can do except continue being myself. If I offend or hurt someone, hopefully they will do what I do and ask what I meant or tell me that it was offensive. But if they don’t; oh well, I am clueless.
I am clueless and exposed!
