Inconsistent, Me?
My last post Root of My Anxiety may seem a bit inconsistent since I am actually saying that change is good for me but it was changes that sent me into a panic. I am not being inconsistent, I have a meltdown or I am struck with anxiety/panic when I have no control over the change. If I make the changes, I have already gone through a process of scripting the change and using past experiences to help me with the change. There are certain things that I have no control over and I understand that things are subject to change because it is a new situation. I have anxiety but it does not feel like my whole world has been derailed and that my life is out of control.
I have already prepared myself for change.
The changes that send me into a panic are those that are unexpected, like when we went to Wal-Mart, the store had been the same since we moved here and then one day we walk in and they are remodeling with no signs, no indication that anything is changed and then items are placed in very odd places that make no sense. In a situation like that I am already spending a large amount of my energy on dealing with my sensory issues so to have sudden change makes the whole thing much worse. The same goes for church, it’s the exact same, I have everything set in place, nothing has changed for over a year and now all of the sudden they are making many changes, that do not make sense to me.
I am just trying to deal with my sensory issues.
I am trying to help my kids with their sensory issues and social issues for all of us, I already have a huge amount of stress before we even go, and that makes it even worse when there are sudden changes. Then there are the people, they constantly change as well. I understand growth in people, I expect that, but when there is personality changes that confuses me and gives me anxiety. If I am with a person and they act and talk a certain way around me but then are different when we are around others it makes me very upset. I first get angry and think them a liar, in the past I would cut them off because I hate liars, but now I understand that it is some normal thing for the majority of people. They act differently in front of different people.
There is one thing that still makes me angry though, when I see people act differently in front of authority figures, I can’t stand it!
See changes are not that bad when I am in control of them, I decide the changes or someone tells me ahead time so I can prepare. Changes are not bad if the means to the end is something productive, new, enlightening or developes me and helps me grow as a person. Changes are not good when they make no sense, someone else is doing the changing and doesn’t inform me. Changes make me panic when they seem to be constant and then put me on the edge of never knowing what is going to happen.
There are many things that I do not change.
I keep my house and how I have things displayed the same, I have pictures and all my hangings the same way, I have since I moved into my own place at 18, though they have changed they are still the same distance from ceiling to floor and they are still going in a linear flow throughout the house. I have my books all the same and in their order. I keep our daily schedule, if there is going to be change I plan ahead and put it on our calendar with pictures so the kids can prepare as well. If we are going to move I plan for months ahead and get my mind all prepared. I keep those kinds of things in a constant sameness as much as possible.
After thinking of these things, I do not feel that I am inconsistent at all, there is a consistency to my change and non-change scripts in my head.
