Things Leading Up To All Of This
Alright as I am working through my anxiety and trying to figure out why exactly I am having anxiety about the church thing, I have narrowed it down somewhat. In the past about three weeks this is what has happened:
1. It really started with the Fruit Loops incident but that was in April after that I was pushed over the edge and have not been able to recover. The surprise of the fruit loops in class.
2. The church changed their website and it really doesn’t flow I find it very hard to look at and the font is driving me crazy. I do not know why they changed it because it was very good before but I started to feel a sense of being duped.
3. They switched rooms one Sunday. This can be read about here Good Stuff.
4. We took a week off and they switched to an entirely different side of the building which can be read about here Sigh.
5. They changed the structure of the children’s ministry and now adding team leaders.
All of these changes have made me feel very uneasy. I do not know why they are making the changes, not that they are obligated to me and maybe it is all my fault because I was not there last week, regarding the switch to the other side of the building but it has just been a lot of change. They have been doing other things like starting up connect groups when there is only about two weeks notice of the new groups. I don’t know there is just a lot of change and surprises that were not there before and they have seemed to spring up in the last few weeks. The possible problem is that we are so disconnected that we have no clue to the goings on even when we are there but honestly it feels like they make changes on a whim and it gives me anxiety.
It seems to be going in a different direction entirely and I feel uncomfortable with it.
I cannot pin point what it is, it just doesn’t feel right. It is clearly not right for us. We need stability and I need to be stable if I am going to be any good to our children. We have to eliminate the cause of stress and anxiety otherwise I am not able to function. I somehow feel as if the image that they had created of themselves as a church was a mirage. They said they were one way but clearly they are not and now what they have been hiding all along is beginning to pop itself out and they will have many followers but not followers like us. They are all great people but we do not really feel a strong sense of them wanting us there. Hence my reason for feeling that our family is a burden and everyone would be happier if we were gone.
They have gone out of their way for us in many ways.
However, they must move on and do not have time or the ability to be concerned about whether any change they make is going to affect us as a family. They cannot spend time worrying about the craft and if they need to contact me ahead of time to ensure Daniel will be ok. They have too many other people now to deal with our children’s sensory issues or behaviors that may arise. They have outgrown us. I understand this and I not upset, I get it. Even though I fully understand, it does not take away the knot in my stomach or the tears that arise because once again when I felt that we could go to place that was good for us, I find that we indeed cannot. There seems to be that there will never be a place for our family to be accepted fully without being a tremendous burden.
This too gives me anxiety.
Why? Because it feels like rejection. I feel rejection for my kids, for David and for myself. This is not a pity party, I am not upset in a woo is me kind of way, I am feeling upset because we are not the only ones and we have yet to find our own kind anywhere. There has got to be a group of people who would accept us and feel comfortable around us, right? It upsets me that in the Christian world , a world that is supposed to be so accepting, that all I have received is complete rejection unless I play by their terms. That doesn’t make them bad people it makes them conformists and we are just unable to conform. We are also unwilling to let our kids conform.
There are just a whole mix of emotions that have flooded me because of these sudden changes, it is a big deal because it disrupts our family. There is a lot to all of this and I am not sure how to articulate it. I wish others would respond to this and share with me if they feel this or know what I am talking about.
Are you out there??
