Sigh…
I am mentally and physically exhausted. The last two weeks have been intense with sensory issues, but this last week especially have been intense for me sensory wise. I have had several days where I have cried, had my hands over my ears, screamed, collapsed into tears again and then laughed because I had no idea why I was freaking out. I do know that sounds have been much louder than usual, textures have been making me gag and nauseous, I haven’t been able to hear people when they talk. One night the kids were talking, Daniel has been shrieking for some reason (that doesn’t help anything) so he was doing that, the TV was on and David was trying to tell me something about an important conference call he had regarding work. I was squinting and trying to read his lips to understand him but all I could get was “waa waa waa waa waa”.
I looked at him and said “I am on the verge of tears I can’t take this”.
He didn’t realize how hard it was for me at that moment and so we tried to calm everyone and got it a little quieter in here. We turned the TV off, Daniel finally stopped shrieking and Ariel and Joshua used quiet voices. It has been this way all week. I haven’t been able to sleep, sounds and smells have made it very hard to stay asleep. Plus my body is not cooperating, my arms feel like they do not belong on my body, my knees are not laying right, my back isn’t laying right and my neck and shoulders are causing me all kinds of problems. Needless to say I have been overwhelmed with anxiety off and on because I haven’t slept or been able to eat much because food is grossing me out.
After all of that, we go to church today and they switched to the other side of the building!
We are in a movie theater, we have been on one side of the theater for over a year, two weeks ago they changed rooms on us for the kids. We skipped the last week for family reasons, we all needed a social break. Then to walk in this week on the complete other side after all the sensory/anxiety stuff I have had, let’s just say I felt like someone had their hands around my throat and was squeezing the life right out of me. I went into “Mommy mode” and explained to Daniel that they had changed to the other side and that it was ok. Ariel then chimed in and said “I’m not ok!”. So I told her and Joshua that it was ok, it helped that Grammy was in Daniel and Ariel’s class today.
Everyone else did fine but me.
After we dropped off the kids David and I sat in the lobby. I couldn’t go into church, I just couldn’t! This morning I was already not wanting to be around people, I didn’t want to see people, talk to them, have them anywhere near my space, 10 feet was too close, then to walk in to this change just made it worse. We sat there and David told me how he was effected too. He said that the right side of his brain felt all fuzzy and weird and that is the spacial side, I found that interesting because I felt like my brain was divided down the middle, I could feel the separation, my left side was calm and my right side was spazzy and chaotic. I sat there on the verge of tears, laughing, wanting to scream, and stopping myself from hyperventilating.
About two weeks ago, I most likely would have been fine with this, but not today.
I haven’t even written the sensory stuff that the kids were dealing with that had to trump my issues because they are kids and I have to help them first. However, there were a couple of days this week that I just couldn’t, I needed David to help me desperately and he did. I haven’t been this overwhelmed in a very long time, there is something about this moon cycle and the changing season that has done this to me. All of the kids have had issues and so has David but normally I am able to handle it. There are about three times a year that I get this bad I think I have narrowed them down but I will really need to focus this year to distinguish them.
Right now the beginning of June is always one of them.
Back to today, we sat out in the lobby and I would start to feel ok then I would notice that I was rocking then I would freak out because I was worried about people seeing me so I would stop. David tried to help both of us focus by us coming up with all of the primary numbers we could think of but I could only do it for a little while because the movie people started making popcorn and turning on all of the machines and whatever behind the concessions. That didn’t help. I thought about taking the kids and leaving but I knew that it was best for them to stay it would have been worse if we left early especially when Daniel was doing so well.
I then began to panic because of the people from church looking at us.
I got concerned with what people were thinking and then wanting to explain to them what was going on but I knew that they wouldn’t understand and it would only make it worse. Then I was flooded with the emotions of how no one understands and how foolish they think we are, how foolish they would think I was if I told them that I was going to cry because they changed sides! But anyone who has felt this or many who are on the autism spectrum knows what I am talking about and they know that it is not just because they changed sides, though it does play a big part. All of the other things that have gone on and add-on the anxiety of not knowing how Daniel will respond or if this slight change will cause the rest of our week to go in shambles because for some reason Daniel has thought of it on Tuesday at 2pm and somehow it triggered him to go into a meltdown. Or possibly even me!
I felt in my gut that I should email the Children’s Leader and ask if there was going to be a change.
Daniel had been talking about how he was going into Joshua’s class now because they had switched their rooms, so he had been scripting all day yesterday. I kept telling him “I think so, I think you will still be in Joshua’s class”. If only I would have listened to myself and emailed I could have stopped my own freak out. Oh, well I am much better now but there is a lot for me to process. The sensory overload from this week from all of us, the change, the feelings I had about people, how they do not understand, how they cannot understand, their looks that fill me with anxiety and the overall anxiety of not knowing how things are going to be.
The good thing is that Daniel did great, so did Ariel and Joshua.
They have all been just fine and had a great time in class. I am pretty much over how I think people may have perceived us, I am not as emotional and not as overloaded. My head does feel very fuzzy and I kind of have a headache but I believe that is from all of the chemical reactions that have gone on in my brain! I will be just fine. As David and I talked in the lobby, I was very thankful to have a husband who felt it a bit and understood me. I thought about how in the past these things would happen and I would have another whole element added to it which was the “why am I doing this?” question or the “Angel, what is your problem? No one else freaks out like this come on go in there.” self talk. These things made me think I was insane.
Seriously I thought I was psychotic at times, maybe I was. Who knows!
It helps a lot to know that it is the way my brain is wired and that I don’t have to worry about what others think. Though I still do at times I am able to get over it much sooner and I know why I am responding the way I am, now that I understand myself much more. And the great news about this is that our kids are going to know and if they feel the way I did today, they will not be forced to go into situations that will cause them to have meltdowns or feel overloaded. Through out my life I have been forced to go into situations that cause me to have anxiety/meltdowns. Even today in my head I was saying “I can’t, I just can’t!” and I told David and he said “No one is telling you that you have to go in there”. These thoughts come from past experiences and at times I have said it to people and have just left, but as a child I couldn’t do that. If our kids would have said that they didn’t want to go in today we would not have made them.
If need be we will all sit in the lobby or go do something else.
