Monthly Archives: June 2010

06/28/10

Exposed!

I have been going through my posts and I just realized just how revealing I am. As I read through them about myself it feels like a movie playing in my head. I feel like I am reading about someone else’s life and everything that they are going through, feeling, seeing and experiencing.  I know exactly what they are talking about and I recognize everything but somehow it feels like it is not me. Then I will have that moment, the one where all of the information that I just read consumes some part of my brain and the revelation of the emotions and information is all about me. I have that gasp of reality and I feel helplessly naked.

I am EXPOSED!

What do I do then? Get all of it down, off of the blog? Shut her all down and pretend like I never existed? Flashes of people flood my mind and I think what on earth could they think of me and what they just read about me? Many other thoughts consume my mind and I shake my head, getting back to my normal frame of mind. As I let these thoughts go back into their chamber of anxiety in the back of mind, I remind myself that I am not exposing anything, really. This is me, this information is mine and I share it freely with those I speak to in person, via email or my blog. I freely expose myself and I always have. The only thing I truly fear is how others will respond to my freedom and honesty.

I don’t even think about it until I realize that someone other than myself has read my blog.

I don’t really think about what I write or what I say, I just say it. It doesn’t occur to me that others would find it to be very revealing or open. It’s me, but here is what I find interesting, it doesn’t feel like me at all. I am so disconnected from myself that what I write and what I am experiencing right now feel like two different worlds even though I am writing exactly what I am feeling. Does that even make sense? I have always had that experience, it feels at times that I am outside of myself watching my life through the words I write. I connect to myself when I reread what I have written. It all sounds rather insane, but it isn’t. I am not sure I can describe it properly.

There are times, like my past journals, that I cannot read for a long time.

When I reread my writings the emotions and feelings are too close and I feel as if the movie is playing right at that moment. There are some things that I am still not ready to relive. There are other things that I am quite embarrassed of, like when I read something that I have written and it was wrong. If I find out later what I thought was happening, actually was not what was happening I only felt it or perceived it that way, I get a sick feeling. There is nothing I can do about it now and what I felt at the time was real so I use those moments to help me with similar situations now and instead of thinking I know what is going on, I ask. This saves me much pain and confusion.

I think it is good to be exposed.

I think it is good to be open and honest, although I try to be considerate of others, I cannot guarantee that I will not say something offensive to others. The main reason for this is that I have no idea what is going to offend a person so there is nothing I can do except continue being myself. If I offend or hurt someone, hopefully they will do what I do and ask what I meant or tell me that it was offensive. But if they don’t; oh well, I am clueless.

I am clueless and exposed!

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06/28/10

My Meltdowns

I admit I have my moments, I have gotten much better and calmer, especially now that I have learned about ASD and Sensory Integration. In the past I would well up with rage and at times get violent but I didn’t know why. (Many of the things that I am writing about are from my past, my children and David have not experienced this from me.)  Things that seemed quite silly would set me off and after my whole moment I felt better but others were left with this feeling of confusion, anger or hurt themselves. I thought this was normal because that was the way my mother was also. We both would be much worse if we drink alcohol. There were several nights of us fighting, one occasion ended very violently, I blacked out and woke to my mother on the floor and me choking her. She had come after me in a fit of rage and I started to protect myself, after I came to so to speak I realized what I was doing and got up immediately and ran.

She chased after me and wouldn’t stop but then she kicked me out of the house.

I was 15 years old and only allowed to take what I could wear on my body and I was not allowed to take anything that she had gotten for me. I went item by item telling her who gave them to me or if I had purchased it myself. Then out the door I was sent at 12 am, running down the high way. I called my boyfriend at the time after I had run clear across the city. The next morning my mom didn’t remember anything and wanted me home ASAP. I didn’t want to come home. This all started because my mom came home late again, drunk, I had been watching my little sisters and was pretty upset that I was always at home with my sisters so I am sure I had an attitude, she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it shattered everywhere. She looked at me and said “Clean it up!”.

I said “You clean it up, you did it!”.

And the game was on. My mom still doesn’t have memory of this night, but there are several like this with either my mom being like that or myself. We have always been very honest with our feelings and at times we have misunderstood each other which would escalate in rage. That was the only time it was ever that violent though. When I was a  child, my mom was pretty aggressive too, though that was how she was raised and she was a million times better than her dad but she had her moments, now that we look back; a lot of them were triggered by sensory issues, social anxiety and the stress of being a single mom. It doesn’t make it ok, she does not feel that it was right but she just didn’t know any other way at the time.

As I grew up, those moments terrified me thinking what kind of parent I would be.

I never wanted to have children unless I could be sure that I was going to be able to stay home with them and not have anger issues. I did not want my children to ever go through that. And now that brings me to my meltdowns, I have them but I no longer throw things or freak out to the point of blacking out but I do get overwhelmed and angry, especially at what seems to be unjust. My children do not get my meltdowns directed at them. Sure they get in trouble, I have yelled at them to stop or have told them that is enough when they won’t stop; but when I am in a full-blown meltdown I leave. I will leave the room, I will go to David’s office, I will go outside, I will do whatever to ensure that my children do not get the brunt of my inability to control myself.

I know it sounds like I am  in control but I cannot always control my mind to make it stop.

I have to ride the thing through, in some cases I need to hit things, slam a door or two, jump on the trampoline, run, work out to some crazy Tae Bo work out. I need something to get it out, I would never do anything to my kids but I do not want them to be around me like that either because I am easily aggravated and could say something mean. I can feel my mind going into that mode, before I was unaware of it, I just thought I couldn’t do anything and I condemned myself for being an evil person. I know that I am not evil and the only reason I say that is because others have called me evil when I’ve had a meltdown. I am sure my actions seemed quite evil, like when my ex-husband lied to me about paying all the bills for months, and it turned out he had not.

I started yelling and screaming, I tossed my bookshelves over and threw my books all over the place.

I couldn’t stop, I just kept yelling at the top of my lungs “YOU ARE A LIAR! A LIAR! I CANNOT TAKE ALL OF YOUR LIES!” There was no calming me down until after I was able to get it out. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening, I went to my room and read and listened to music. The next day I was fine and I was over it. My mind had begun to think of options as to pay for these bills and when I spoke to him he was angry. I didn’t understand why and I thought he was overreacting. I couldn’t see until the last few years, reading about similar situations through the eyes of ASD that as a neurotypical that could be very upsetting. (I still think he was wrong so I am not all that compassionate about the lies but I am about my behavior.)

When I say freak out it could mean many things.

I could shut down completely and have no words. I can’t speak, while slamming doors, cabinets, whatever that may be in my way. It could be me jumping up and down screaming, hitting a wall – in the past I have  punched walls, it’s been a long time since I did that but the last time I did I hurt my hand very badly, storming out of the house, throwing things, turning up my music as loud as possible and singing and dancing until all of the rage leaves or I cry. Full blown hyperventilating crying that won’t stop. Recently, I described how I was overwhelmed in my post  Sigh, when I do yell or scream they are not directed at my children and I do not do it very often at all, just like the most recent episode it is under extreme panic mode but David is always there and I usually snap out of it quickly when I see or hear my children.

When I am feeling the reactions of my mind start to build up, I get away from the kids.

If I happen to yell or something…like the other day I had too much sensory overload and social stress, Joshua was crying, he too was feeling the same thing, but I needed him to stop crying. I had to put my hands over my ears and all I could say was “Stop crying! Stop crying, please, please stop!” I then changed what I was doing, I held Joshua and we both just rocked. After we both calmed down I explained to him why mommy was saying that. Ariel was helping and said, “You know Joshua when we get overloaded and our brain isn’t right, that is what mommy felt.” She is so great. He understood and told me that he was feeling it too. We all just needed a break from people, places and change.

The majority of the things I am writing about here are from the past.

I haven’t really had meltdowns like I have described for a very long time, they mainly got better when I met David. Having David has made it much easier to express myself. I have the freedom of telling him why I am upset, or if I don’t know why, he is very supportive of that as well. Having a husband who has accepted me and allows me to say whatever is on my mind without condemnation, guilt or reprieve has made my meltdowns much less. I didn’t realize how much worse it is when you are unable to express yourself. Having to hold it in for fear of rejection, being ‘institutionalized’ (that is another story) being called crazy, among a few makes a huge difference. The main thing that has changed my meltdown issues is that I am heard. David hears me, he lets me say whatever and it is valid. He has helped me see that it is ok to have emotions and express them and I have taken what I have learned and use it for our children.

Our kids have valid reasons to them for being upset and it is ok, but it is how we express it, not that we are expressing it.

Accepting Daniel during his meltdowns has made a huge difference, giving him a different way of expressing it has helped all of us tremendously. He is able to use his words better to communicate his feelings but there are times when he either isn’t sure why he is upset or doesn’t know how to communicate it but instead of hitting he is still using the “growl method” and it’s working! Ariel and Joshua are starting to understand how to communicate their feelings as well. They will share with us why they are angry with us, sad or happy. They explain it especially when they are angry. Ariel: “I am very angry with you mom because I want to paint and you will not let me.” They are also getting better at telling each other, Joshua: “Ariel, you need to stop touching my Iron Man’s because that makes me angry.”

It is pretty funny but it has helped us not have fighting matches in our living room. :-)

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06/21/10

Anxiety Free! Not Really…

I am doing much better, I have not had any panic attacks which is good;  just little moments of anxiety here and there. On Saturday we went to the museum, they had a Narnia exhibit which was ok, but they didn’t even have Aslan so it was not that impressive. However, the museum is the one place that Daniel loves the most out of going to the beach or the park he will choose the museum. I find it rather ironic since there is much sensory overload with sound, people, smells, change in exhibits but he loves it. Though I am not that surprised because the museum was one of my favorites as a child as well and my mother and I spent a lot of my childhood in the museum. The day before Daniel was full of anxiety and running around being very chaotic but he kept saying “We are going to the museum”.

We had to continue to tell him that “We are going to the museum tomorrow”.

He would then repeat that and go in a loop and say we were going to the museum. I know this was part excitement, anxiety and scripting but it made for a lot of chaos. The morning of, he was completely different. In the morning he was peaceful, happy and said “We are going to the museum today!”. He was great the whole day and very happy. The next day we went to church and he did great in there as well. I was in class with the 2-3 year old, I am always fine when I am in class with the kids but if I have to go to grown up church I feel out-of-place and awkward and have my anxiety moments. They had to change the kids theaters once again into completely different theaters, I was fine with it because one of my friends told me ahead of time that this was happening so I had several days to prepare myself and the kids and I have to tell you, I was so at peace.

I even had to go grocery shopping after doing class with the little ones and the social encounters I had.

I did fine even at the store, both of these situations usually require me some time to recuperate, but yesterday ended ok. Except for Ariel, she had a meltdown before church and two after church. I am beginning to notice a lot more social anxiety in her and when I see her in class she is always hanging out with the boys. The girls like her but she cannot remember the girls names, however she does remember several of the boys names. It could be because she has brothers and feels more comfortable with them. I myself have always had guys as my friends more so than girls, I relate to them better since they usually just speak what they mean and there is no hidden things or situations to try an figure out. Though I do not figure out that anything is going on anyway until I notice that some girl is upset with me and I do not know why.

I am working on getting these guys out and about.

I am planning on taking them to library events, the art museum has free opportunities on the weekends, I am looking into other options as well to help these guys get more children interactions. I just need to prepare and know when not to push us, if one of us can’t do it than we won’t, we will just try the next week. I put so much pressure on myself when I commit to something and then I think that I have to keep doing it, I am not allowed to have breaks! Balance, it’s all about balance and finding it for our lives. I have found that when I have a focus though, some sort of task or job that seems to trump my anxiety.

I am sure it comes out in others emotions or situations though that I am unaware of.

If I tracked this, I would most likely find that I actually was extremely stressed yesterday and now through this week it will manifest through me cleaning, feeling hyper, working out more than usual, eating maybe, or writing. :-)   Someway to help me cope with the suppressed anxiety that I didn’t feel like I had. As I continue to think of my anxiety I think of many factors that have led up to these past panics. I really do not want to go on medications and I think I will be able to handle the situations much better once I pin point certain things that can trigger these. Although, it is not a regular occurence anymore, I have anxiety but I have been able to learn how to help myself with that, it is when I have panic/anxiety that leads to my body, mind, and emotions being all out of whack.

Here are some of the things I have been going through since about the end of April:

1. David has lost several of his free-lance jobs, he has missed his deadlines for the one project he is currently working on and we have been very short on funds.

2. We have had to borrow from a couple of people in our family.

3. My mom started a new job that changed her hours and her income, not for the better. (Both the hours and money affect us because when her schedule changes it takes her months to be back to her normal self because of her own AS and we borrowed funds from her that we cannot pay back right away.)

4. Church started changing things around and I have been feeling more and more disconnected from the people there as I see them get more and more connected. (I feel like I am an outsider watching these social movies play out in front of me and I have no idea what is going on.)

5. I had a major roller coaster of emotions and misunderstanding with my dad’s side of the family. (That situation is much better but still a lot of confusion.)

6. David and I had our 7 years anniversary in June, his mom’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, Father’s day and Joshua’s birthday is at the end of the month. (I always get stressed when it comes to my dad’s birthday because I have to call him, he is a phone person, big time! It’s not that I don’t want to call him, of  course I do it’s just very stressful for me to use the phone. I never know what to say, when to say something, the other thing is that people are always calling my dad, while we are on the phone people beep in about 10 times and that throws me off, A LOT! Plus I was not able to call him on his birthday because we have no minutes on our phone, the lack of funds to get them and our land line does not have long distance.)

7. My Grandma is coming into town this week, which is great but I have been anticipating this for over a month now. (It’s like how Daniel felt about the museum and the kids are all anticipating her coming as well.)

8. One of my sister’s here in town is pregnant, I am concerned for her health and the well-being of the child. She is in a relationship that seems quite rocky (not abusive but not all together healthy) and that gives me anxiety about her, the child, the father, oh just everything.

9. My other sister got married and then came back from the honey moon and demanded an annulment. (I still do not know why but it is all so confusing if I think about it my head spins.)

10. The weather has changed and my allergies have made my head very dizzy.

11. This does not include any of the children’s issues and the awareness I am gaining with Ariel and Joshua’s own sensory issues and AS traits that are being brought to light even more, I believe I am now seeing them because Daniel has progressed so much that my attention to those details in him are no longer distracting me as much. Both David and I have had the mind-set that Ariel and Joshua are fine, we have recognized things but they have been quickly trumped by whatever Daniel is dealing with.

Bottom line I am doing much better today.

Although, I have found that the slightest thing could send me into anxiety, for instance this week we are supposed to do several things, we have made plans but with my other two sisters those plans could be messed up because they are late and no one calls me or my and Grandma stay somewhere longer than expected and they don’t call me, we have a birthday party for Joshua and my cake doesn’t work right and Iron Man looks like he was in a blender or something!  I am writing these things out so that I can be prepared ahead of time of the possibility of them happening to help ease my anxiety. :-)

The funny thing is that my anxiety does not always stem from bad things, good things can trigger it too. Hmm…..

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06/17/10

Inconsistent, Me?

My last post Root of My Anxiety may seem a bit inconsistent since I am actually saying that change is good for me but it was changes that sent me into a panic. I am not being inconsistent, I have a meltdown or I am struck with anxiety/panic when I have no control over the change. If I make the changes, I have already gone through a process of scripting the change and using past experiences to help me with the change. There are certain things that I have no control over and I understand that things are subject to change because it is a new situation. I have anxiety but it does not feel like my whole world has been derailed and that my life is out of control.

I have already prepared myself for change.

The changes that send me into a panic are those that are unexpected, like when we went to Wal-Mart, the store had been the same since we moved here and then one day we walk in and they are remodeling with no signs, no indication that anything is changed and then items are placed in very odd places that make no sense. In a situation like that I am already spending a large amount of my energy on dealing with my sensory issues so to have sudden change makes the whole thing much worse. The same goes for church, it’s the exact same, I have everything set in place, nothing has changed for over a year and now all of the sudden they are making many changes, that do not make sense to me.

I am just trying to deal with my sensory issues.

I am trying to help my kids with their sensory issues and social issues for all of us, I already have a huge amount of stress before we even go, and that makes it even worse when there are sudden changes. Then there are the people, they constantly change as well. I understand growth in people, I expect that, but when there is personality changes that confuses me and gives me anxiety. If I am with a person and they act and talk a certain way around me but then are different when we are around others it makes me very upset. I first get angry and think them a liar, in the past I would cut them off because I hate liars, but now I understand that it is some normal thing for the majority of people. They act differently in front of different people.

There is one thing that still makes me angry though, when I see people act differently in front of authority figures, I can’t stand it!

See changes are not that bad when I am in control of them, I decide the changes or someone tells me ahead time so I can prepare. Changes are not bad if the means to the end is something productive, new, enlightening or developes me and helps me grow as a person. Changes are not good when they make no sense, someone else is doing the changing and doesn’t inform me. Changes make me panic when they seem to be constant and then put me on the edge of never knowing what is going to happen.

There are many things that I do not change.

I keep my house and how I have things displayed the same, I have pictures and all my hangings the same way, I have since I moved into my own place at 18, though they have changed they are still the same distance from ceiling to floor and they are still going in a linear flow throughout the house. I have my books all the same and in their order. I keep our daily schedule, if there is going to be change I plan ahead and put it on our calendar with pictures so the kids can prepare as well. If we are going to move I plan for months ahead and get my mind all prepared. I keep those kinds of things in a constant sameness as much as possible.

After thinking of these things, I do not feel that I am inconsistent at all, there is a consistency to my change and non-change scripts in my head.

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06/16/10

Root of My Anxiety

I have been analyzing myself since this whole anxiety bout has happened, I have been rather confused at the length of this episode. I will start to do much better then I will start to feel the effects again. As I have been going through my feelings and trying to find a logical reason, I believe I have found the root. I was concerned with me freaking out at the sudden changes of church, which indeed they have left me feeling quite anxious but surely this was not the only reason. That just didn’t make sense to me. There are several other things going on in my life that are normal anxiety triggers that have come up during this time and I am aware that these are making my anxiety worse than usual since they are all falling at once.

But this isn’t like me, I am feeling cowardly, like a weak and insecure person.

People who know me, know that I may be a lot of things but those three things are not me. So what is this? Why have I been hit with such a large dose of anxiety and why am I unable to snap out of it or reason myself through it much sooner? Diversity. Yes, the answer is diversity, well lack of in this area that we are living in. In the last 10 years I have made major changes in my life from moving to various cities, being in relationships, getting divorced, coming to a new faith, changing jobs, getting married, having children and seeking to find myself to name a few. I have had a lot of change and I have been able to handle it, at times I actually did much better. The constant change made things easier for me because I was always doing something, working on something, seeking out new ideas and new knowledge.

The places I had the least amount of anxiety were in the areas, the places where I was surrounded by many different people.

The best church experience I had was in a college town – very intellectual, new people, old people coming back constant change but the change brought about new ideas, new stories, new visions, new information that constantly intrigued me and challenged me to learn. The last 7 years I have lived in two places and though they are across the country from each other they are exactly the same. The people do not change, there is no challenge here. When I compare these two places to the two places that I lived where I thrived, I see with clarity the difference. The two places that I was not attacked with anxiety as much or able to control it better were places that had many different people, different cultures and beliefs. They lived in the US but were from different countries. I was around people who loved to learn, loved the arts, and they talked to learn about each other.

They really talked about interesting things and were very accepting of everyone.

There was another place that I lived that was much like where we are now and that is when I slipped into a deep depression and I was put on Zoloft. I was also diagnosed with endometriosis which caused severe pain and took over a year for someone to believe me. I went through two emergency room visits and three doctors. Finally the last doctor told me about endometriosis and sent me to a specialist with in two days I had laparoscopic surgery and on my way to recovery. I haven’t had any problems at all after I had children. Very thankful for that because when you are in physical pain as well as having anxiety on top of it, there are really no words to describe it other than life halting.

As I have been working through all of this, I see a pattern.

I recognize that what I feel when I go to church here is the lack of diversity and that makes my differences stand out much more. Now that I have a family with different issues I am in a constant state of seeing how different we really are from others. When I am surrounded by people who embrace diversity of thought, beliefs and ideas, I find them to be more accepting of my quirks and unique thoughts on life. Being surrounded by people who are set in their way of life, who understand their own language, everyone seems to know how everything should be around here  and if you want to be accepted you have to learn their ways. They are different in looks, income, social status but they have the same thoughts, same ideas, same goals and they see no reason to think that they should be challenged or questioned in any way.

I have anxiety because I cannot question.

I have anxiety because I am not allowed to be me without serious silent social discipline. The discipline are remarks, eye rolls, the blatant me being invisible and completely unseen by certain people. And I am not being paranoid, this time. :-) How do I survive in a place that just wants everyone to be the same? And how do they know what they are supposed to be doing? Other people have moved here from different places and they still know the rules. I have looked and looked for the last three years in this area for groups, even outside of  church, I have looked for people who may have a bit of diversity and I have yet to find them. I will still keep looking because there has to be some out there. There cannot be an entire city of people who are unwilling to embrace differences, right? Anyway, as I think of this it has actually brought a lot of peace to me.

I understand the root of this particular anxiety bout and I will make changes in my life to try to help me and my family.

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06/13/10

Just Because I Felt Like It

I just felt like sharing the books I am currently reading. I find all of these people fascinating or the information very good for my purposes so I have included links to the books as well as the people so others who are interested could look them up easily.

1. High Fidelity By Nick Hornby (Just finished Juliet, Naked, I just found out that he has an autistic son as well, I had no idea before I read his books, while reading Juliet, Naked I looked into him.)

2. Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries through the Unique Perspectives of Autism
By Temple Grandin and Sean Barron

3. Born on a Blue Day By Daniel Tammet

4. Anthem By Ayn Rand

5. Answers to Questions Teachers Ask about Sensory Integration By  ~ Jane Koomar (Author), Carol Kranowitz (Author), Stacey Szklut (Author), Lynn Balzer-Martin (Author), Elizabeth Haber (Author), Deanna Iris Sava (Author)

6. Learning All the Time By John Caldwell Holt

7. Five Dialogues By Plato (Author), G. M. A. Grube (Author, Translator)

8. Various poetry books.

So those are what I am reading on any given day this week. I do rotate throughout the week whatever my brain is capable of consuming for that day, is what I read. I also read the Bible, usually daily unless there are too many inconsistencies bothering me between my understanding and the translation so then I have to go research the context then I go back to reading again. The question of the day is “Which translation of the Bible am I reading?”. I usually complete about 2-3 books a week if I have the time between doing stuff with the kids, the house work, just playing or if we have places to go. I would say 2-3 a week is an average. I should be finished with High Fidelity and Anthem any time now.

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06/9/10

Things That Are Good

In the midst of my anxiety attacks Daniel has done some great things. On Monday he came up to me out of the blue, gave me a hug, as he squeezed me he said “Mom you are pretty”. Where did that come from? I don’t know but I said “Thank you, Daniel”. He sat on me and we just hung out there for a little bit. He was laughing and giggling and then got up and went about his business. I was happy to be included into to his list of pretty things, like ponds, bumble bees and fans. :-) I think the most amazing thing was that he expressed himself. He felt like giving me a hug and he felt like saying that about me, it was a great moment. Not because he said I was pretty but because he showed affection and expressed what he was feeling all by himself.

He has been sharing more things like that.

Yesterday he said “Mom, come sit with me”. Then he asked me to rub his leg. He has also been able to tell me when is head hurts. He now says “Mom, my brain hurts”. Or if he feels like his mind is racing he will say “My brain is going fast”. David taught him to say that to let us know what is going on instead of him running around the house, clanging things, or making loud noises. When he feels it he comes up to us and tells us that his brain is fast and then we do things like squeeze him between us to make a “Daniel sandwich”, swing him in a blanket or he will ask for his “black and grey fan” which is an elastic back support thing that seems to help him from the pressure on him. After his brain calms down he will say “Ok, my brain is slow now”.

Having this communication has made a big difference in his mood.

This has also been very good for him to learn to help himself when his brain is too fast and figuring out what he needs to do for help. We are still not sure why his brain gets too fast or what exactly it is that is helping him calm down but it is working. Right now he is playing make-believe with Ariel and Joshua. His bedroom is a cave, Ariel’s bedroom is the beach and they are pretending to be monsters. “Hey Mom, we are monsters, we are at the beach.” “Daniel’s a monster, yeah! Yeah, I throw the ball down! Yeah, I did it!” he is spinning his gyroscope and having a great time. This morning he told me that his head hurt and that he needed his medicine. I had to give him allergy medicine  because he was having a very hard time. I am so ecstatic that he was able to tell me that his head hurt and what he needed to make it feel better.

These are some really great things that I don’t want to lose because of my own issues.

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06/8/10

Things Leading Up To All Of This

Alright as I am working through my anxiety and trying to figure out why exactly I am having anxiety about the church thing, I have narrowed it down somewhat. In the past about three weeks this is what has happened:

1. It really started with the Fruit Loops incident but that was in April after that I was pushed over the edge and have not been able to recover. The surprise of the fruit loops in class.

2. The church changed their website and it really doesn’t flow I find it very hard to look at and the font is driving me crazy. I do not know why they changed it because it was very good before but I started to feel a sense of being duped.

3. They switched rooms one Sunday. This can be read about here Good Stuff.

4. We took a week off and they switched to an entirely different side of the building which can be read about here Sigh.

5. They changed the structure of the children’s ministry and now adding team leaders.

All of these changes have made me feel very uneasy. I do not know why they are making the changes, not that they are obligated to me and maybe it is all my fault because I was not there last week, regarding the switch to the other side of the building but it has just been a lot of change. They have been doing other things like starting up connect groups when there is only about two weeks notice of the new groups. I don’t know there is just a lot of change and surprises that were not there before and they have seemed to spring up in the last few weeks. The possible problem is that we are so disconnected that we have no clue to the goings on even when we are there but honestly it feels like they make changes on a whim and it gives me anxiety.

It seems to be going in a different direction entirely and I feel uncomfortable with it.

I cannot pin point what it is, it just doesn’t feel right. It is clearly not right for us. We need stability and I need to be stable if I am going to be any good to our children. We have to eliminate the cause of stress and anxiety otherwise I am not able to function. I somehow feel as if the image that they had created of themselves as a church was a mirage. They said they were one way but clearly they are not and now what they have been hiding all along is beginning to pop itself out and they will have many followers but not followers like us. They are all great people but we do not really feel a strong sense of them wanting us there. Hence my reason for feeling that our family is a burden and everyone would be happier if we were gone.

They have gone out of their way for us in many ways.

However, they must move on and do not have time or the ability to be concerned about whether any change they make is going to affect us as a family. They cannot spend time worrying about the craft and if they need to contact me ahead of time to ensure Daniel will be ok. They have too many other people now to deal with our children’s sensory issues or behaviors that may arise. They have outgrown us. I understand this and I not upset, I get it. Even though I fully understand, it does not take away the knot in my stomach or the tears that arise because once again when I felt that we could go to place that was good for us, I find that we indeed cannot. There seems to be that there will never be a place for our family to be accepted fully without being a tremendous burden.

This too gives me anxiety.

Why? Because it feels like rejection. I feel rejection for my kids, for David and for myself. This is not a pity party, I am not upset in a woo is me kind of way, I am feeling upset because we are not the only ones and we have yet to find our own kind anywhere. There has got to be a group of people who would accept us and feel comfortable around us, right? It upsets me that in the Christian world , a world that is supposed to be so accepting, that all I have received is complete rejection unless I play by their terms. That doesn’t make them bad people it makes them conformists and we are just unable to conform. We are also unwilling to let our kids conform.

There are just a whole mix of emotions that have flooded me because of these sudden changes, it is a big deal because it disrupts our family. There is a lot to all of this and I am not sure how to articulate it. I wish others would respond to this and share with me if they feel this or know what I am talking about.

Are you out there??

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06/8/10

Panic Attack at 4 AM

I was going to get out of bed at 4 am and start writing this but I convinced myself to try to go back to sleep and I did finally fall asleep. It took a while but I laid in bed breathing and thinking calming thoughts. I woke up from some sounds and I didn’t think anything of it until all of the sudden my mind was flooded with thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking, millions of thoughts tickering through my brain and they wouldn’t stop. My heart was racing and I then felt the pressure in my chest. I could feel the adrenaline flowing through my brain and then I was struck with the “I am crazy” thoughts.

I know why this happened and thankfully I knew that I was just having a panic/anxiety attack.

I am still quite sensory sensitive, well lets say my usual sensory issues are heightened at this moment for some reason. Yesterday was hard for me and about noonish everyone was feeling it. The weather was kind of mixed cloudy/sunny may rain may not and that usually makes for entertaining days when that happens. My head was a cloud, I couldn’t think very well, I was irritable and very tired. Then just when I had resolved all of my issues from the Sunday at church thing and my Monday being a bit too much I received an email from the Children’s Leader/Pastor I am not sure what to call him.

They have made yet another change.

This change sent me into a whirlwind of complete confusion. My first response “We are done with this church”. They have made a change that to most is not a big deal but for us it adds another whole element of inconsistency and constant unknowing. They have issued team leaders, which is fine and dandy I have no problem with that but the one over Daniel/Ariel’s class is a person that we have not had much positive experience with. Somehow she is involved with autistic children in her occupation and she is set in her ways on how to “handle” an autistic child. We do things a lot differently and out of the many months that she has been in class with Daniel the bad experiences out weigh the good.

I have nothing against her, she just doesn’t know Daniel and she doesn’t care to know how we interact with him.

I know she doesn’t care or she thinks she knows better because she has not implemented any of the information I have asked her to in class when there is an issue. I sent a long email of why Daniel is doing certain things that he is doing, how to handle it and about Asperger’s to the Leader/Pastor and he sent out all that information to the teachers who are in Daniel’s class. She responded back to him talking about all of her experience and how she would be happy to help blah blah blah. I say blah blah blah because he forwarded me the email, I contacted her thanking her and asking her for any information to help Daniel.

She was nice enough and sent me to all of these places but it was very cold and our interactions were very evasive after the whole “helping” went down.

The problem we have is that we do not trust her. She doesn’t get us when there is a problem, she purposely left Daniel out of a craft because she didn’t want to deal with the situation. She ignored him as he was flopping on the floor and his pants were falling off and these kinds of things we find both humiliating to our child and unacceptable. So now that she is “in charge” what does that mean? What does it mean for Daniel? If teachers are having a problem understanding what is happening with Daniel, will she trump us the parents and do whatever she feels best? There are just so many questions.

Though I have all of these questions it is not main source of concern.

Daniel has been doing so well in class but I have sacrificed everyone in the family for the sake of Daniel getting to class on Sunday’s. I am not even sure if he likes it that much, I asked him but he doesn’t understand the question. Ariel could care less and Joshua said he would be sad but I am not sure why he doesn’t really play with any of the kids and that class is turning into a chaos fest. Joshua can’t even sit in on the music anymore because  it is too loud. So I have this added anxiety that our family is the “problem” family. Everyone would be happy and less stressed if we just left. I would leave in a heartbeat but I don’t know what else to do for the kids to socialize.

We live in a small town and the ideas, philosophies, beliefs are very limited and rigid. Ha ha ha A different rigid than myself.

Then I think about me and I wasn’t that socialized, most of my socialization came from adults and I liked it that way. I liked it when it was just me and my mom most of the time. Would our kids be satisfied with this? I am so confused and concerned that I may fail Daniel if we do not go but now the church is not safe. They keep changing things and I am starting to get real anxiety at the thought of going. I don’t want to talk to people or look at them. I can’t worship freely, I am constantly concerned with what is going on with kids. It was safe just the other day and now just like that everything is unpredictable, inconsistent, full of unknowns that are waking me up and causing me to have freak outs!

There is nothing against the church or the people they are all still very nice people.

We just don’t belong, the story of our life. Our children know more about the Bible and God than most people and they don’t really understand the point of the stories told to them in class because they don’t talk about it. At home we discuss why something happened or if the story seems very off and say wrong at times. :-) We discuss the Old Testament and the cultures going on during those ancient times we discuss the teaching of Jesus and why it is so important to accept and love others no matter how different they are from us but we do not really learn that at church. We are uncomfortable an alienated. It is mostly our doing, it is our fault we are well aware. We cannot go to small groups and idly sit back and talk about things that seem to be profound. We ask hard questions and we cannot stop ourselves from doing it. We ask why do we believe in God? What is the differences between evolution and creationism? Do they even compare? Is the existence of God our own fabrication of some genetic make up that has been passed down in our DNA?

Why do we love God and would we still if there was no after life?

I got that question from another Aspie who does not believe in God “Would you believe in God if there were no after life, no reward, no anything after this, just this life?” She said that most religious people would answer “yes” without a thought so her challenge was to think about it before the question was answered, really think about it. So I did for over a week and I am still pondering with it. I came to terms several months ago with the whole no afterlife thing, it really doesn’t matter to me. If this is it I am perfectly satisfied and thankful for this whole life on earth, I do not love God for rewards or the promise of living for an eternity I love God because He saved me from a life that was destructive and brought me into this life with David and our children and revealed to me that I am not crazy after all of these years, I just think differently.

I love Him because I found out about Asperger’s and it has brought me a life of freedom NOW not later.

There are many other reasons but they have nothing to do with after life or rewards. But these are some good questions that we cannot ask in the spiritual place right now, I mean we cannot discuss it with others in this place. Do not question anything, God is everything, I am nothing blah blah blah. (I am using that a lot today.) I am writing all of this stuff because it is all of this stuff that is making me have anxiety. The bottom line I cannot be myself, David cannot be himself, our children cannot be themselves, completely and I just don’t think it is a good idea for everyone involved for us to be a part of it any longer.

That is how I am feeling right at this moment, which is always subject to change.

Although, I am pretty sure our time at this church is done because David hasn’t wanted go, on several Sunday’s the kids haven’t wanted to go and now my mom who has been an avid “you NEVER miss church” person, since she became a Believer, has been saying for several weeks now that she thinks she needs a break from church. None of us want to find another church, there is no point they are all the same only in a different package. We just don’t belong. I guess I really need to weigh the pros and cons. I do know that I have sacrificed myself for the sake of getting Daniel to class, this past Sunday was the first time that I was so bad that I couldn’t force myself to go in. Maybe that is a big sign right there that it isn’t the place for us right now.

I get conflicted though because I see Daniel doing well and think I HAVE to keep doing this, I just wish that we could find another outlet for socialization than I would have more peace about leaving.

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06/6/10

Sigh…

I am mentally and physically exhausted. The last two weeks have been intense with sensory issues, but this last week especially have been intense for me sensory wise. I have had several days where I have cried, had my hands over my ears, screamed, collapsed into tears again and then laughed because I had no idea why I was freaking out. I do know that sounds have been much louder than usual, textures have been making me gag and nauseous, I haven’t been able to hear people when they talk. One night the kids were talking, Daniel has been shrieking for some reason (that doesn’t help anything) so he was doing that, the TV was on and David was trying to tell me something about an important conference call he had regarding work. I was squinting and trying to read his lips to understand him but all I could get was “waa waa waa waa waa”.

I looked at him and said “I am on the verge of tears I can’t take this”.

He didn’t realize how hard it was for me at that moment and so we tried to calm everyone and got it a little quieter in here. We turned the TV off, Daniel finally stopped shrieking and Ariel and Joshua used quiet voices. It has been this way all week. I haven’t been able to sleep, sounds and smells have made it very hard to stay asleep. Plus my body is not cooperating, my arms feel like they do not belong on my body, my knees are not laying right, my back isn’t laying right and my neck and shoulders are causing me all kinds of problems. Needless to say I have been overwhelmed with anxiety off and on because I haven’t slept or been able to eat much because food is grossing me out.

After all of that, we go to church today and they switched to the other side of the building!

We are in a movie theater, we have been on one side of the theater for over a year, two weeks ago they changed rooms on us for the kids. We skipped the last week for family reasons, we all needed a  social break. Then to walk in this week on the complete other side after all the sensory/anxiety stuff I have had, let’s just say I felt like someone had their hands around my throat and was squeezing the life right out of me. I went into “Mommy mode” and explained to Daniel that they had changed to the other side and that it was ok. Ariel then chimed in and said “I’m not ok!”. So I told her and Joshua that it was ok, it helped that Grammy was in Daniel and Ariel’s class today.

Everyone else did fine but me.

After we dropped off the kids David and I sat in the lobby. I couldn’t go into church, I just couldn’t! This morning I was already not wanting to be around people, I didn’t want to see people, talk to them, have them anywhere near my space, 10 feet was too close, then to walk in to this change just made it worse. We sat there and David told me how he was effected too. He said that the right side of his brain felt all fuzzy and weird and that is the spacial side, I found that interesting because I felt like my brain was divided down the middle, I could feel the separation, my left side was calm and my right side was spazzy and chaotic. I sat there on the verge of tears, laughing, wanting to scream, and stopping myself from hyperventilating.

About two weeks ago, I most likely would have been fine with this, but not today.

I haven’t even written the sensory stuff that the kids were dealing with that had to trump my issues because they are kids and I have to help them first. However, there were a couple of days this week that I just couldn’t, I needed David to help me desperately and he did. I haven’t been this overwhelmed in a very long time, there is something about this moon cycle and the changing season that has done this to me. All of the kids have had issues and so has David but normally I am able to handle it. There are about three times a year that I get this bad I think I have narrowed them down but I will really need to focus this year to distinguish them.

Right now the beginning of June is always one of them.

Back to today, we sat out in the lobby and I would start to feel ok then I would notice that I was rocking then I would freak out because I was worried about people seeing me so I would stop. David tried to help both of us focus by us coming up with all of the primary numbers we could think of but I could only do it for a little while because the movie people started making popcorn and turning on all of the machines and whatever behind the concessions. That didn’t help. I thought about taking the kids and leaving but I knew that it was best for them to stay it would have been worse if we left early especially when Daniel was doing so well.

I then began to panic because of the people from church looking at us.

I got concerned with what people were thinking and then wanting to explain to them what was going on but I knew that they wouldn’t understand and it would only make it worse. Then I was flooded with the emotions of how no one understands and how foolish they think we are, how foolish they would think I was if I told them that I was going to cry because they changed sides! But anyone who has felt this or many who are on the autism spectrum knows what I am talking about and they know that it is not just because they changed sides, though it does play a big part. All of the other things that have gone on and add-on the anxiety of not knowing how Daniel will respond or if this slight change will cause the rest of our week to go in shambles because for some reason Daniel has thought of it on Tuesday at 2pm and somehow it triggered him to go into a meltdown. Or possibly even me!

I felt in my gut that I should email the Children’s Leader and ask if there was going to be a change.

Daniel had been talking about how he was going into Joshua’s class now because they had switched their rooms, so he had been scripting all day yesterday. I kept telling him “I think so, I think you will still be in Joshua’s class”. If only I would have listened to myself and emailed I could have stopped my own freak out. Oh, well I am much better now but there is a lot for me to process. The sensory overload from this week from all of us, the change, the feelings I had about people, how they do not understand, how they cannot understand, their looks that fill me with anxiety and the overall anxiety of not knowing how things are going to be.

The good thing is that Daniel did great, so did Ariel and Joshua.

They have all been just fine and had a great time in class. I am pretty much over how I think people may have perceived us, I am not as emotional and not as overloaded. My head does feel very fuzzy and I kind of have a headache but I believe that is from all of the chemical reactions that have gone on in my brain! I will be just fine. As David and I talked in the lobby, I was very thankful to have a husband who felt it a bit and understood me. I thought about how in the past these things would happen and I would have another whole element added to it which was the “why am I doing this?” question or the “Angel, what is your problem? No one else freaks out like this come on go in there.” self talk. These things made me think I was insane.

Seriously I thought I was psychotic at times, maybe I was. Who knows!

It helps a lot to know that it is the way my brain is wired and that I don’t have to worry about what others think. Though I still do at times I am able to get over it much sooner and I know why I am responding the way I am, now that I understand myself much more. And the great news about this is that our kids are going to know and if they feel the way I did today, they will not be forced to go into situations that will cause them to have meltdowns or feel overloaded. Through out my life I have been forced to go into situations that cause me to have anxiety/meltdowns. Even today in my head I was saying “I can’t, I just can’t!” and I told David and he said “No one is telling you that you have to go in there”. These thoughts come from past experiences and at times I have said it to people and have just left, but as a child I couldn’t do that. If  our kids would have said that they didn’t want to go in today we would not have made them.

If need be we will all sit in the lobby or go do something else.

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