I am doing much better, I have not had any panic attacks which is good; just little moments of anxiety here and there. On Saturday we went to the museum, they had a Narnia exhibit which was ok, but they didn’t even have Aslan so it was not that impressive. However, the museum is the one place that Daniel loves the most out of going to the beach or the park he will choose the museum. I find it rather ironic since there is much sensory overload with sound, people, smells, change in exhibits but he loves it. Though I am not that surprised because the museum was one of my favorites as a child as well and my mother and I spent a lot of my childhood in the museum. The day before Daniel was full of anxiety and running around being very chaotic but he kept saying “We are going to the museum”.
We had to continue to tell him that “We are going to the museum tomorrow”.
He would then repeat that and go in a loop and say we were going to the museum. I know this was part excitement, anxiety and scripting but it made for a lot of chaos. The morning of, he was completely different. In the morning he was peaceful, happy and said “We are going to the museum today!”. He was great the whole day and very happy. The next day we went to church and he did great in there as well. I was in class with the 2-3 year old, I am always fine when I am in class with the kids but if I have to go to grown up church I feel out-of-place and awkward and have my anxiety moments. They had to change the kids theaters once again into completely different theaters, I was fine with it because one of my friends told me ahead of time that this was happening so I had several days to prepare myself and the kids and I have to tell you, I was so at peace.
I even had to go grocery shopping after doing class with the little ones and the social encounters I had.
I did fine even at the store, both of these situations usually require me some time to recuperate, but yesterday ended ok. Except for Ariel, she had a meltdown before church and two after church. I am beginning to notice a lot more social anxiety in her and when I see her in class she is always hanging out with the boys. The girls like her but she cannot remember the girls names, however she does remember several of the boys names. It could be because she has brothers and feels more comfortable with them. I myself have always had guys as my friends more so than girls, I relate to them better since they usually just speak what they mean and there is no hidden things or situations to try an figure out. Though I do not figure out that anything is going on anyway until I notice that some girl is upset with me and I do not know why.
I am working on getting these guys out and about.
I am planning on taking them to library events, the art museum has free opportunities on the weekends, I am looking into other options as well to help these guys get more children interactions. I just need to prepare and know when not to push us, if one of us can’t do it than we won’t, we will just try the next week. I put so much pressure on myself when I commit to something and then I think that I have to keep doing it, I am not allowed to have breaks! Balance, it’s all about balance and finding it for our lives. I have found that when I have a focus though, some sort of task or job that seems to trump my anxiety.
I am sure it comes out in others emotions or situations though that I am unaware of.
If I tracked this, I would most likely find that I actually was extremely stressed yesterday and now through this week it will manifest through me cleaning, feeling hyper, working out more than usual, eating maybe, or writing. Someway to help me cope with the suppressed anxiety that I didn’t feel like I had. As I continue to think of my anxiety I think of many factors that have led up to these past panics. I really do not want to go on medications and I think I will be able to handle the situations much better once I pin point certain things that can trigger these. Although, it is not a regular occurence anymore, I have anxiety but I have been able to learn how to help myself with that, it is when I have panic/anxiety that leads to my body, mind, and emotions being all out of whack.
Here are some of the things I have been going through since about the end of April:
1. David has lost several of his free-lance jobs, he has missed his deadlines for the one project he is currently working on and we have been very short on funds.
2. We have had to borrow from a couple of people in our family.
3. My mom started a new job that changed her hours and her income, not for the better. (Both the hours and money affect us because when her schedule changes it takes her months to be back to her normal self because of her own AS and we borrowed funds from her that we cannot pay back right away.)
4. Church started changing things around and I have been feeling more and more disconnected from the people there as I see them get more and more connected. (I feel like I am an outsider watching these social movies play out in front of me and I have no idea what is going on.)
5. I had a major roller coaster of emotions and misunderstanding with my dad’s side of the family. (That situation is much better but still a lot of confusion.)
6. David and I had our 7 years anniversary in June, his mom’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, Father’s day and Joshua’s birthday is at the end of the month. (I always get stressed when it comes to my dad’s birthday because I have to call him, he is a phone person, big time! It’s not that I don’t want to call him, of course I do it’s just very stressful for me to use the phone. I never know what to say, when to say something, the other thing is that people are always calling my dad, while we are on the phone people beep in about 10 times and that throws me off, A LOT! Plus I was not able to call him on his birthday because we have no minutes on our phone, the lack of funds to get them and our land line does not have long distance.)
7. My Grandma is coming into town this week, which is great but I have been anticipating this for over a month now. (It’s like how Daniel felt about the museum and the kids are all anticipating her coming as well.)
8. One of my sister’s here in town is pregnant, I am concerned for her health and the well-being of the child. She is in a relationship that seems quite rocky (not abusive but not all together healthy) and that gives me anxiety about her, the child, the father, oh just everything.
9. My other sister got married and then came back from the honey moon and demanded an annulment. (I still do not know why but it is all so confusing if I think about it my head spins.)
10. The weather has changed and my allergies have made my head very dizzy.
11. This does not include any of the children’s issues and the awareness I am gaining with Ariel and Joshua’s own sensory issues and AS traits that are being brought to light even more, I believe I am now seeing them because Daniel has progressed so much that my attention to those details in him are no longer distracting me as much. Both David and I have had the mind-set that Ariel and Joshua are fine, we have recognized things but they have been quickly trumped by whatever Daniel is dealing with.
Bottom line I am doing much better today.
Although, I have found that the slightest thing could send me into anxiety, for instance this week we are supposed to do several things, we have made plans but with my other two sisters those plans could be messed up because they are late and no one calls me or my and Grandma stay somewhere longer than expected and they don’t call me, we have a birthday party for Joshua and my cake doesn’t work right and Iron Man looks like he was in a blender or something! I am writing these things out so that I can be prepared ahead of time of the possibility of them happening to help ease my anxiety.
The funny thing is that my anxiety does not always stem from bad things, good things can trigger it too. Hmm…..
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