Angry or Frustrated? Just Growl!
That’s right, I taught Daniel to clinch his fists and growl when he is angry or frustrated and cannot tell me what is going on. I did this because I had to come up with another way for him to handle these emotions. He has a handle on happy and now he is understanding his feelings when he is sad and what to do but it’s the angry and frustrated emotions that are in need of an outlet. The other day he got angry at something, no idea what it was and the next thing I know he jumps me. I had no idea he was upset or that I was going to be recipient of this anger. He proceeded to hit me and scream at me and no one knew why.
I really don’t like talking about this stuff but I feel that I need to get it down.
I wish these things wouldn’t happen but they do, that is the reality of our world but I feel that somehow I can help him control it better or communicate it better. I had to learn as a child that when I had meltdowns or got angry I got in trouble. (Though that didn’t stop me and I have had my share of meltdowns and anger spurts as an adult) I was punished for my behavior, I constantly had bad markings in school for conduct. I was not purposely trying to cause problems but my behavior was unacceptable. There were a couple of times that I had hit other children and I got in trouble for that. Most of the times my punishment was isolation. And that is what I have had to do with Daniel on many occasions.
I have had to put him in his room and let him take it out on his bed.
I have had to do that instead of it being me, toys, the house or the other kids. Most times I do not believe he is doing it on purpose, something has happened that we do not know or understand. He doesn’t know how to communicate it and he gets really frustrated. When this latest one happened, I came into his room and sat down with him, I shared with him that he can absolutely not hit mommy any more or anyone else. I told him that he cannot throw his toys or other objects otherwise I will have to take them away. I did not want to say this to him because I want so much to understand why he is doing it. I know there is a valid reason in his mind. But I also know that I cannot allow him to continue especially when he was doing so well, I know he can control himself.
I decided to do more research on the subject.
In almost every case they said to do the reward system. Tell the child if they do not have any meltdowns than they will receive they favorite whatever. The parents offer TV time, food, games, going to a favorite place, etc.. One parent I read said “I tell him that if we go a full day without any meltdowns at school and home or when we go to the store then he can have his TV time otherwise no TV time”. I don’t feel comfortable with that, I am not that kind of parent. I do not believe in rewarding my children for them behaving the way that they are already supposed to. Maybe I have too high of expectations but just because Daniel is on the Autism Spectrum doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of acting the way he should. There are rules in this world that I fully agree with, do not go around hitting people and throwing things.
I think that is a pretty reasonable rule, one of many.
In reading about this I got pretty frustrated with the no answers and what seems to me to be direct training for manipulation and control. How can they have a job, a relationship, friends or I don’t know any individuality, if they are just being taught to be a rat in maze, doing a good job, to get to the end for its reward? I may be a bit extreme, I do see the value in positive praise and certain motivations but when daily tasks like eating your food, making sure that you make eye contact or say hi to someone is the means of a grand reward, like receiving a new iPod, I have a problem. Daniel now makes eye contact because I spent a lot of time looking at him in the eyes when I spoke, which just so you know is incredibly hard for me but I had to because I couldn’t understand him unless I did and I knew it was important in his development.
He doesn’t have to do it all the time but he does do it when he feels he has something REALLY important to say. Me too.
I did not reward him with things but I guess I did reward him with positive praise, but not constant praise. There just has to be a balance I think. I know that some of these parents were taught by professionals, doctors and therapists who say this is the only way, who am I to argue. I don’t believe these people are bad, I just don’t understand it. Possibly they have tried all other routes and this is the only way they could get positive results, who knows. As for me though, I spent time during the last meltdown showing Daniel how frustrated I was because I didn’t understand why he was upset. I clinched my fists, closed my eyes and said “GRRRRR”. I told him that was how I felt because I didn’t know why he was hitting me.
He then began to laugh.
I asked him if he would please do that instead of the other things he had been doing, he said “yeah mom”. Although I wasn’t sure he understood but we went about our business for the day. The next day I heard him in the front room throwing something and hitting the wall, I came in and asked if he was angry. He kept hitting the wall but looking at me as if any moment I was next, I sat down next to him and I asked him “Daniel are you angry or frustrated?”. He began to say “GRRRR”, I asked him to please stop hitting the wall because we really don’t want to hit things and I told him what a great job he was doing telling me how he was angry. He buried his head in my lap and growled again and I said “That’s right Daniel get the “GRRRR” out”. He thought that was hilarious and he started to laugh and say “GRRRR”.
It was only a few minutes and he was happy again.
Apparently a noodle necklace he had made broke and he was upset about that so we got rid of it and moved on. All this week he has been using the new “growl” technique and he is starting to tell me what it was that made him upset. Now instead of getting kicked out of church for trying to throw chairs he will get kicked out for growling. Ha ha ha Oh, well it is working for us at the moment and helping him identify what his emotions mean and how they feel. It may not work for everyone but it is working for us so far. Each day is a new story with different endings.
