I was not expecting Joshua at all. As a matter of fact I was not ready to be pregnant again, the twins had just turned one years old and I was still sleep deprived and now that I look back completely stressed from my AS issues and in hindsight a lot of Daniel’s. When I found out I was pregnant, I will not lie, I was very upset. I wanted Joshua do not get me wrong but it was the timing, I thought it would be a couple of years later not right after the twins birthday! I just wanted sleep, I had just gotten Ariel completely weaned and I thought I would get my breasts back. The kids were starting to be a bit more independent and I thought to myself, finally I can have showers again.

After these thoughts ran through my mind I quickly became overjoyed.

I was happy and excited for our Shua to get here. I REALLY wanted him to get here because he was way worse than Daniel and Ariel. I would take my twin pregnancy over that one any day. I was sick the whole time, I got vertigo, David was working in a publishing office, gone all day and Daniel was starting to really show signs of something being wrong. Such as screaming all day, becoming violent, continuing not to sleep, not talking, not feeding himself, basically I had to do everything for Daniel and he was not verbal so I didn’t know what to do. That was entire days of trying anything. It was a bit much for my mind and body.

Once again I didn’t have time to think about the pregnancy, I was just ready for him to be here.

He came very quick and the doctor almost didn’t make it in time. I couldn’t keep him in and Joshua came out talking and has not stopped. I looked at him and he was all grown up in a little 8lb body. He was talking to me and it seemed as though he was telling me how I should feed him and that I needed to do it now.

Joshua is very animated, he will convince you of something even if he does not agree with it. He will say “yes, it is red!”. Knowing full well that it is not red and when asked he will say “no, it’s not red.” Like you were crazy to even suggest it. He builds entire scenes of Star Wars or books that we read out of Lego’s or blocks. He recreates the stories and shares them with all of us. He is very intense when drawing or painting and though I hate to say this, I do have to admit that at times he is a bit dramatic. He is awesome! He is incredibly loving and sensitive and if he has taken you into his confidence, he will do anything for you.

Joshua is loud, funny, and very enthusiastic.

He brings a different kind of life to this household, he stirs it up and manages to leave a mound of toys everywhere. He is full of life and joy and his favorite pass time is eating. Shua too is tenacious when it comes to Daniel. He loves over the top and he shows it with both Daniel and Ariel. He loves to play with them and talk to them. He shares his ideas even if they are not listening and then asks “what do you think about that?”. He asks all kinds of questions too. He loves to have hugs and kisses and just gives off such happiness. He amazes me at how well he learns and I have done the same curriculum with him as Daniel and Ariel. When I see that it may be too much for him I let him do what he feels but he holds his own and is doing very well.

Joshua makes me smile when I look at him.

He has this knack for pushing my buttons to the extreme but then looking at me and smiling and I completely forget what he has just done. I am so glad we didn’t wait and we had Joshua when we did, he has also been key in bringing Daniel to where he is now. Shua loves Daniel and Ariel so much and he loves being with them, talking with them,  sharing with them, exploring with them and yes, fighting with them. There seems to be no middle ground with him, either he is all or nothing and if he has decided that he is going to do something, well he will not stop until he has completed it. And don’t try to stop him because it will be very ugly. Once again I cannot express how much my kids have changed my life for the better or how great they are. I know that everyone feels their kids are great and that is what is so awesome, they are great in your family and offer so much. We can learn so much from them and they help us to stay full of life and love that is accepting.

That is what amazes me about my kids and so many others, they accept people without boundaries or agenda’s… most of the time.

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Being that I have only sisters and I do not understand the female species that well, I had always said that if I were to have  children, I would like to have boys. All boys! I know that in most cases I relate to the male species and I felt much more comfortable around them, I came to the conclusion that I would best be a mother to sons. I was pretty animate about not having a girl because I was afraid that I would fail her, hurt her, and not relate to her. I did not want her to feel the way I did a lot of my childhood with my mother. Though my mother and I now have a good relationship, it was not always the case and the truth is we have grown tremendously in our relationship, now that we know about Asperger’s. We now understand each other.

When we found out that we were having twins, that was a lot to take in, but when I heard “girl” I was struck with both joy and fear.

I had already felt in my heart that we were going to have a girl at some point because I was given three names of children. I feel it was God who gave me the names, I knew Daniel was coming first, when I met David I heard that “He is my husband and we are going to have a son and to name him Daniel (and middle name)” Later several months before we had gotten pregnant, I received the names Ariel (middle name) and Joshua (middle name) as well. So I was preparing myself but still had that tinge of “what am I going to do with a girl?”. I didn’t have time to process it, the pregnancy went fast and furious and it was over before I knew anything. The day came and Daniel came first, I got to see him for a second and then was asked “do you want to rest or keep going, if you rest she could go breech”.

No way was I resting, “let’s go!”

She was covered in birth muck and freaked me out, she was blue and slimy! They gently wiped her and I held her in my arms. My tiny little girl. The one I was so afraid of, the one I was not sure I could love or relate to enough melted my heart. I looked at her and was overjoyed that I had my “Baby Girl”. As I held both her and Daniel, I was exhausted but so excited, happy, full of a love that I never knew existed. I had the normal fears of a mom, “Can I do this?” and the many other questions that flood your brain but I knew that I was going to be able to handle having a girl. I already related to her and knew that she would not be like any other girl I had known my entire life. She was Ariel, a new person who would teach me what it meant to love.

Ariel has done that, she has taught me to love.

Just like all of my children, they have expanded the lengths of love that I did not know were possible. Ariel is an artist, she paints, draws, writes, asks questions, leads, protects, speaks her mind and she is expressive. I have watched her with Daniel from day one and she has always stuck by him, pushed him, loved him, would not allow him to completely exclude her. She wouldn’t have it and she taught Joshua as well to keep their big brother, their big brother. She has included him with everything and when he would have no part of it, she would walk away process it and then come back again. She would play in the room with him when he would not acknowledge any of us and she would keep on talking to him.

Ever determined to have him involved, she would make sure he got the same things she got.

Whether those were toys, books, color crayons whatever. Ariel was an example to Joshua, she taught him and still does. She has had the determination to teach him to accept Daniel and love him no matter what. Ariel is a brave little girl, she is strong and intelligent. There are so many things about her that I cannot convey into words but the one thing that I know now is that she is amazing. She gives off life that fills the room. She is not into dressing up, princesses or painting nails, (either am I so that could be partly my fault) but she is into not brushing her hair, having paint all over her, reading tons of books, (she is still learning) and exploring all kinds of things.

I am so thankful for my Ariel and my fears have all past about not being able to relate to her, we have a lot in common and a lot of things that we don’t that keeps me intrigued and determined to help her embrace those different things.

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