Monthly Archives: April 2010

04/30/10

Don’t Ask Me Questions Or Else This

I had to go to Wal-Mart the other night, I was dreading it all day. The whole day I was thinking about it and trying to plan my path according to the products I needed to purchase. There is a HUGE problem, recently our Wal-Mart has remodeled. I remember the few weeks ago when I walked in and my heart sank. The pharmacy was closed the walls were covered with wood, the isles were changed. There was no warning, they never told me, it was one of those moments that sent me into a panic, I was very thankful that David and the kids were with me that evening because I would have been much worse by myself. They actually conspired to torture me as well, by making this remodel go on for several weeks and they would move whole sections of the store to odd places that made no sense what so ever.

I am not fond of any Wal-Mart store layout anyway but when I have it memorized I expect it not to change.

I do prefer Targets flow, it makes more sense to me, it has direction, ease and simplicity. Wal-Mart does not. If I could I would completely boycott the place but we are in a very small town that only has two department stores, you guessed it Target and Wal-Mart. Back to my story, they have finally finished and I have already memorized the isles and can tell where to find each product and where the departments are now moved. It does feel less chaotic and I am pleased with that. Ok, SO the point of not asking me questions, I went directly to the lotion isle to get my product and there was a lady standing there examining the lotions. I grabbed for mine and she asked “Is that any good?” My response “Yes, it works for me, right now.” The lady then responds with ” I am looking for a good lotion because my skin is very dry, I think it is from tanning.”

Oh, boy! Here I go into my lotion pitch.

I proceed to tell her about the lotion I am currently using but that I used to use this one and it is good too but I have to rotate my lotions all the time because my body begins to become resistant to the effects. So for about 10 min. this woman had to sit through my low down on about 20 products that I have used. I told her how some are too greasy, some leave a residue, some won’t come off, some saturate well for a little while, some have too strong of perfume, some have frustrating caps, pumps, or squeeze issues. On and on with my full knowledge of lotion products and their containers. I finally caught myself when I noticed her face was kind of in shock and then I realized my time restraint and I said “Well I guess that didn’t help much, huh?’ She of course was polite and said “yes, you did.” But I knew this woman thought there was something strange about my knowledge of all of the lotion products.

As I walked off I quickly forgot about that whole experience because I was on a mission.

Onward and upward! However, after reflecting on the experience I thought about my whole life and how I have had many of those moments. I have this huge amount of knowledge about things that other people do not even think about. In my mind there are huge rooms full of file cabinets that have file folders, labeled, some are dated, on people, places and things. I have archives full and I run and pull them open whenever I feel they are needed and flood people with the information so that they can make a well-informed decision. I gather information from many different resources so that I am not just using an opinion or someones interpretation, I use my own experiences, I use other peoples experiences. Gather, gather, gather, I love input. So when you ask me a question I will download all of the information that I have and if I feel I do not have enough I will most certainly research and come back to you with more information.

Understanding how my brain is wired has helped me to recognize a bit more when people really do not want to hear all of that, it may take me a little while but at least I am able to see it on their faces…sometimes.

I think blogging has helped me to try to limit my information and try to get to the point, though I am still a bit of a long writer, I have gotten better. Back to Wal-Mart, I found it quite amusing that the person who first noticed something was different about Wal-Mart was Ariel. The night that we went to the Wal-Mart, when they were first remodeling, we pulled into the parking lot and Ariel said “What happened to Wal-Mart? Where are their blue letters and why is the building all brown?” I just thought they cleaned up the outside because it was getting a bit worn. The building was gray with blue letters and now it is beige with white letters. She has a knack for downloading a lot of information too and is very observant.

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04/25/10

Fruit Loops!

What comes to your mind when you hear or read the word “fruit loops”? Could it be that you think of a particular person who is quite goofy? Maybe for most, they will think something like “Oh, a fine tasty breakfast cereal, sweet and fruity!”. Or maybe a Tucan flapping around telling children how it is a “nutritious great start to the day, now go get your parents to buy it for you!”. Quite possibly they could be thinking ” This is a  lovely treat that is like chewing shards of glass that rips flesh off the inside of my mouth, while coating my tongue and teeth with a fabulous sugary film that can only come off by using an electric toothbrush, covered with baking soda and peroxide, YUM!”

Or maybe that is just me.

The last sentence used to be the only thought that crossed my mind when I encountered the word fruit loops. Not anymore, now the word sends a panic to the depths of my mind, I can feel my neurons flooding to my brain and anxiety takes over, then I am no longer able to function properly. So when I saw the note on the table, next to the sign in sheet at church, blah, blah, blah “FRUIT LOOPS”, I almost started to hyperventilate. My brain immediately went to the last experience I had with these vile, wicked, evil loops. It involved Daniel and was so intense that it made this kind of impact on me.

It has been over a year, but the terror is still in me.

We were having a very good day, so good in fact that we all went grocery shopping. La la la things were going well and then while strolling happily down the cereal isle, out of the one million and one boxes that flood the cereal wall, Daniel spots the FRUIT LOOPS! He grabbed for them, said “uh, uh” while pointing and I calmly explained to him that he could not have them and why he could not have them.

That did not work.

You can only imagine how it went from there. Needless to say after a physical battle, I caved and gave him the fruit loops. Ok, fine it seems as though there was only a power struggle, the kid won, all is over, move on. I wish I could say that was the end. Let me fill you in on the rest of the story. Daniel ate one bowl of those fruit loops and for a week straight, screamed, rolled on the floor groaning and became completely obsessed with them despite all of the pain he was in. I threw them away and vowed NEVER to let him know of their existence again! So you can see my panic, right? I had a legitimate reason for being a complete spaz and for my brain to be flooded with all of the chemical reactions to cause me to go into fight or flight mode.

As I stood in the hallway, trying to figure out what to do, I had all of the images going through my head like a movie, playing over and over again.

The first thing I wanted to do was grab my kids and run straight for the doors. I know I sound insane but that is the impact of the situation. I had to weigh all of the situations that could possibly go down. If we leave, I mess up the script, Daniel freaks out, if I let him go to class, there may be a “fruit loop incident” which could consist of several different scenarios. I finally came to the conclusion that it was best for him to go to class. He was excited about church and he “had” to go. And this was after he had an aggressive morning, thanks to freaky weather and who do you think got the battleriffic rounds of the morning? That’s right, none other than the one who was ready to run for the hills!! It takes a lot out of me physically and mentally to come down from Daniel’s “rough” days.

Then to walk into something that is NOT the script, sends me into another world.

They normally do not have food, I do not usually need to be concerned with this, it has only been a couple of times BUT the last few weeks Daniel has been making incredible progress and with that comes very aggressive behavior and any kind of change is not good for any of us. So why today? WHY? I felt as if the universe was out to get me. I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the woman at the sign in sheet looking at me like I was insane, as I explained to Daniel that he absolutely could not eat the cereal they had in there. I went to his teachers and I explained to them that he could do the craft but he was not allowed to eat any of it. I was a spaz! I said Ariel couldn’t eat any either and then went to Joshua’s class and was a spaz in there. Thankfully the teachers are a bit understanding about Daniel’s diet restrictions and try to work with me.

I work hard to have my children be stable and healthy.

Though I sound quite unstable, my kids are quite fine. I try very hard not to let them have sugary snacks that are filled with chemicals, dyes and low quality ingredients. Why? Because I see the difference in my kids. They are not hyper, they are able to focus and retain well, they are very healthy, active and many other things that happen to children when they eat well and have a healthy balance. However, I do not deprive them from treats, they only get the healthier versions, the ones where you can pronounce every ingredient, know what it is without looking it up and there are not a billion of them. Simple, tasty snack treats, in moderation.

And this is what brings me to tears.

As I sat listening to the message about “The Good Samaritan”, I realized just how abnormal we are. How we do not fit in at church, with our other family members, and other social interactions. We do not fit in here. We are not seen. We have no voice in any community because no one understands! Well in a neurotypical community anyway. We are so different with our lifestyle and thinking that people do not relate to us a lot of the time. We have to limit our social connections, we can’t eat what they eat, we find it hard to find things to talk about, our progressive thinking, especially with our faith is not welcomed much in these parts. We cannot up and go hang out with people, we cannot just go and eat fruit loops! How ironic that the pastor was asking “What small difference can we make?”  Then he somehow tied it all in that we need to be less selfish among other things and look for people to help, to be there for, be “The Good Samaritan”.

Let’s see being considerate of those who are so completely different from you that they cannot just pick up a phone and talk.

Maybe realizing that some people have to plan 4 weeks in advance to prepare their family for change. How about understanding that some people just need for the world to see how difficult it is to live in YOUR world! Little things like springing an after church party is not good for someone with ASD. We can’t do it. I like being social but it needs to be on my terms and I need notice. My whole family does we are the freaks, I understand that but to just have someone get it once would be nice. There are many other things that could be considered just with in the congregation but I am not going into to that.

It would just be nice for once to have someone recognize that there are many things we have to consider to even be around people and they take all those things for granted.

Having that blown up in my face was just too much for me. We have never fit in and will never. Not that I want to but it’s the fact that if we don’t conform and by conforming cause complete chaos in our household, we are unable to have community. As I sat in church, once again my mind was playing the movie of my 12 year venture into the Christian church, like so many times during this walk, I asked myself again “Why do I even come?”. To top it off, the service was ending and I went out and saw David holding Daniel. What I had feared with the fruit loops came to pass, he had to leave class because he was throwing chairs. Then while in the lobby he started flopping and kicking all over the floor. He was not misbehaving he did not understand. But I will get to that in a moment.

I was almost in tears but held it together and got Ariel.

I apologized to the teachers but this was before I knew the whole story. I thought Daniel lost it because he couldn’t eat the fruit loops, I then found out that he was not allowed to make the craft. What? I had already given permission for him to make the craft, so my son was not allowed to do the craft, no wonder he flipped out. I explained to him that he couldn’t eat them and he most likely would have been fine if he would have been given the option to make it. AND they didn’t get us when he was upset. Teacher FAIL! I am upset, I know. I am working through it. I am not really angry at people, I am angry at the situation. Most of all I am angry at myself because I always forget how incredibly different we are and that not many people get it nor do they care to.

Freakin’ Fruit Loops! (not people, the fruit loops) :-)

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04/21/10

Shuashula

I was not expecting Joshua at all. As a matter of fact I was not ready to be pregnant again, the twins had just turned one years old and I was still sleep deprived and now that I look back completely stressed from my AS issues and in hindsight a lot of Daniel’s. When I found out I was pregnant, I will not lie, I was very upset. I wanted Joshua do not get me wrong but it was the timing, I thought it would be a couple of years later not right after the twins birthday! I just wanted sleep, I had just gotten Ariel completely weaned and I thought I would get my breasts back. The kids were starting to be a bit more independent and I thought to myself, finally I can have showers again.

After these thoughts ran through my mind I quickly became overjoyed.

I was happy and excited for our Shua to get here. I REALLY wanted him to get here because he was way worse than Daniel and Ariel. I would take my twin pregnancy over that one any day. I was sick the whole time, I got vertigo, David was working in a publishing office, gone all day and Daniel was starting to really show signs of something being wrong. Such as screaming all day, becoming violent, continuing not to sleep, not talking, not feeding himself, basically I had to do everything for Daniel and he was not verbal so I didn’t know what to do. That was entire days of trying anything. It was a bit much for my mind and body.

Once again I didn’t have time to think about the pregnancy, I was just ready for him to be here.

He came very quick and the doctor almost didn’t make it in time. I couldn’t keep him in and Joshua came out talking and has not stopped. I looked at him and he was all grown up in a little 8lb body. He was talking to me and it seemed as though he was telling me how I should feed him and that I needed to do it now.

Joshua is very animated, he will convince you of something even if he does not agree with it. He will say “yes, it is red!”. Knowing full well that it is not red and when asked he will say “no, it’s not red.” Like you were crazy to even suggest it. He builds entire scenes of Star Wars or books that we read out of Lego’s or blocks. He recreates the stories and shares them with all of us. He is very intense when drawing or painting and though I hate to say this, I do have to admit that at times he is a bit dramatic. He is awesome! He is incredibly loving and sensitive and if he has taken you into his confidence, he will do anything for you.

Joshua is loud, funny, and very enthusiastic.

He brings a different kind of life to this household, he stirs it up and manages to leave a mound of toys everywhere. He is full of life and joy and his favorite pass time is eating. Shua too is tenacious when it comes to Daniel. He loves over the top and he shows it with both Daniel and Ariel. He loves to play with them and talk to them. He shares his ideas even if they are not listening and then asks “what do you think about that?”. He asks all kinds of questions too. He loves to have hugs and kisses and just gives off such happiness. He amazes me at how well he learns and I have done the same curriculum with him as Daniel and Ariel. When I see that it may be too much for him I let him do what he feels but he holds his own and is doing very well.

Joshua makes me smile when I look at him.

He has this knack for pushing my buttons to the extreme but then looking at me and smiling and I completely forget what he has just done. I am so glad we didn’t wait and we had Joshua when we did, he has also been key in bringing Daniel to where he is now. Shua loves Daniel and Ariel so much and he loves being with them, talking with them,  sharing with them, exploring with them and yes, fighting with them. There seems to be no middle ground with him, either he is all or nothing and if he has decided that he is going to do something, well he will not stop until he has completed it. And don’t try to stop him because it will be very ugly. Once again I cannot express how much my kids have changed my life for the better or how great they are. I know that everyone feels their kids are great and that is what is so awesome, they are great in your family and offer so much. We can learn so much from them and they help us to stay full of life and love that is accepting.

That is what amazes me about my kids and so many others, they accept people without boundaries or agenda’s… most of the time. :-)

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04/21/10

Baby Girl

Being that I have only sisters and I do not understand the female species that well, I had always said that if I were to have  children, I would like to have boys. All boys! I know that in most cases I relate to the male species and I felt much more comfortable around them, I came to the conclusion that I would best be a mother to sons. I was pretty animate about not having a girl because I was afraid that I would fail her, hurt her, and not relate to her. I did not want her to feel the way I did a lot of my childhood with my mother. Though my mother and I now have a good relationship, it was not always the case and the truth is we have grown tremendously in our relationship, now that we know about Asperger’s. We now understand each other.

When we found out that we were having twins, that was a lot to take in, but when I heard “girl” I was struck with both joy and fear.

I had already felt in my heart that we were going to have a girl at some point because I was given three names of children. I feel it was God who gave me the names, I knew Daniel was coming first, when I met David I heard that “He is my husband and we are going to have a son and to name him Daniel (and middle name)” Later several months before we had gotten pregnant, I received the names Ariel (middle name) and Joshua (middle name) as well. So I was preparing myself but still had that tinge of “what am I going to do with a girl?”. I didn’t have time to process it, the pregnancy went fast and furious and it was over before I knew anything. The day came and Daniel came first, I got to see him for a second and then was asked “do you want to rest or keep going, if you rest she could go breech”.

No way was I resting, “let’s go!”

She was covered in birth muck and freaked me out, she was blue and slimy! They gently wiped her and I held her in my arms. My tiny little girl. The one I was so afraid of, the one I was not sure I could love or relate to enough melted my heart. I looked at her and was overjoyed that I had my “Baby Girl”. As I held both her and Daniel, I was exhausted but so excited, happy, full of a love that I never knew existed. I had the normal fears of a mom, “Can I do this?” and the many other questions that flood your brain but I knew that I was going to be able to handle having a girl. I already related to her and knew that she would not be like any other girl I had known my entire life. She was Ariel, a new person who would teach me what it meant to love.

Ariel has done that, she has taught me to love.

Just like all of my children, they have expanded the lengths of love that I did not know were possible. Ariel is an artist, she paints, draws, writes, asks questions, leads, protects, speaks her mind and she is expressive. I have watched her with Daniel from day one and she has always stuck by him, pushed him, loved him, would not allow him to completely exclude her. She wouldn’t have it and she taught Joshua as well to keep their big brother, their big brother. She has included him with everything and when he would have no part of it, she would walk away process it and then come back again. She would play in the room with him when he would not acknowledge any of us and she would keep on talking to him.

Ever determined to have him involved, she would make sure he got the same things she got.

Whether those were toys, books, color crayons whatever. Ariel was an example to Joshua, she taught him and still does. She has had the determination to teach him to accept Daniel and love him no matter what. Ariel is a brave little girl, she is strong and intelligent. There are so many things about her that I cannot convey into words but the one thing that I know now is that she is amazing. She gives off life that fills the room. She is not into dressing up, princesses or painting nails, (either am I so that could be partly my fault) but she is into not brushing her hair, having paint all over her, reading tons of books, (she is still learning) and exploring all kinds of things.

I am so thankful for my Ariel and my fears have all past about not being able to relate to her, we have a lot in common and a lot of things that we don’t that keeps me intrigued and determined to help her embrace those different things.

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04/21/10

New Moon

No, I am not talking about Twilight, I know nothing about that I am an old school Anne Rice vampire lover. :-) I am talking about the new moon, literally. I need to document the moon cycles but I have not been able to stay on a regular journal for it. I have decided to at least write this down and maybe it will get me focused and able to continue.

The moon cycles play a huge part in the activities of our household.

For instance, as I have written in my last few posts, Daniel is being very verbal. He has been talking up a storm and saying  a lot of things that he has not in the past. He has been able to do things, like drawing and focusing on school worksheets that normally he has a hard time with. He is very happy and interactive with everyone. He is coming up with his own games to play with Ariel and Joshua. Earlier I heard him rummaging in the junk drawer and then excitedly said “Hey Mom, I found something, hey mom, I found something!”. He came up to me and in his hand was a green birthday cake candle and he put it in front of me extremely proud of his find and then said “you put it on cake” and I told him it was a birthday cake candle and he said “It’s a birthday cake candle, it spins!”. He did make it spin and then proclaimed “Its green and it spins, it’s a birthday cake candle.”

As I was writing this he was talking away telling me all kinds of things.

He has done this before, talking a lot but now he is really putting conversations together and trying to keep them going. In the past he would have told me about the candle and then walked away to explore it on his own or not even tell me about it. On that day not only did he converse with me but then he spoke to Ariel and Joshua about it and helped Joshua find his own candle. I have been noticing that these kinds of things happen during the start of the new moon cycle.

He was being very happy and verbal.

I believe he did for the last cycle too but the one before that could have been a bit rough. See that is why I need to write it down. If I can see a pattern maybe I can help him and all of us know what to expect or at least prepare to help him with sensory issues. Not to mention all of us. I am currently a complete spas. I get different as well during the moon cycles, well actually everyone does. Also right now our weather is currently transitioning and when the weather goes from one to the other, that gets us all out of whack.

So for the record, this is a good new moon cycle in that Daniel is feeling able to communicate, do school work and eating well.  However, he is kind of manic, unable to sleep well and a bit obsessive about spinning, the cat and the computer.

But and here is the big BUT, during these great days at night something happens. Daniel is unable to sleep, he has had sinus issues and has woken up at all hours of the night angry and waking me up by hitting me. His food consists of more crunchy items and he seemed to lose his patience for waiting for it. He has been demanding his food immediately and I do not give in to that kind of pressure so we have been working on having patience. At the beginning of last week he was doing very well and was happy, progressing through out the week into this week he has become more agitated with things and unable to sleep even more. The lack of sleep definitely could be playing a role in his short fuse, but over all he is for the most part very happy. He is still talking quite a bit and even communicating more than just wants and needs.

He has continued to play with Ariel and Joshua and to interact and participate with school/activities.

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04/12/10

Our First Conversation

After my first post this morning I was surprised with something I did not expect,  Daniel and I had our first at length conversation today! Here it is for your reading enjoyment.

Daniel: Go get fans, mom.
Me: You get the fans, Daniel.
Daniel: I have to get a chair, I have to get a big chair, mom.
Me: Ok, get a big chair.
Daniel: I can’t reach, mom.
Me: Ok, I’ll get them.
Daniel: You have to play.
Me: I have to put the chair back.
Daniel: I want you to play fans with me, mom.

For further background here, Joshua had fallen asleep on my lap so I could not move. I also forgot that David had moved all of Daniel’s fans to the top of the closet in the play room. I thought they were still in the hall closet which was right behind where I was sitting, once I remembered they were a lot higher than I thought and in a completely different room, I had to move Joshua and go help Daniel. I did not want any accidents! I still let him drag the kitchen chair into the playroom but I followed to make sure everything went ok. He moved it to the closet, rearranged it and adjusted it just so, to reach his two containers of fans. He was a couple of inches off, so he was asking for help when he said that he couldn’t reach, so I got them for him and that is the story. I put the chair back and came and played fans and he shared with me about all of the different colored fish he had in his spinning fish game (which is considered a fan in his book) and he counted them for me. He continued talking to me and then heard David come down for lunch.

He ran to him and said “I want to hold you Daddy!”.

He is now playing play doh with Ariel and they are talking about play doh and all kinds of things. It’s like the verbal floodgates just burst open today and I just don’t know how to take it. It is a very good feeling. I have known for a while that he has all of these words running through his mind but they do not seem to come out through his mouth but today they are coming and he is a very happy little guy. He is talking, laughing and adding his two cents to everything.I do not take it for granted because I know that tomorrow he may not feel like talking and that is ok, it is just really good to have confirmation of what I felt, he has a lot to say and he will say it when he needs to or wants to. He also made his first self-portrait today and then a picture of Ariel. He drew eyes, a nose, a mouth, and legs! I have been asking him to do this for at least a year now. So there you go, whenever he is ready. :-)

It’s a good day.

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04/12/10

What Books Can Do

I am amazed at how verbal Daniel has become lately, he isn’t just verbal, he is constructing sentences that are expressing exactly what he feels or is thinking. For instance, last night I was unaware that he was acting like a cat because he had been in the shower, so while I was helping him get dressed, he said “I am done being a cat, I am just being Daniel”. Or like this morning, he came up to me and said “I want the gate down, I want to play drawing game on the computer.” It is just fantastic! He has been saying a lot more things too, I just can’t remember them all right now, but it is so awesome. These things may not seem like a big deal to some, but there was a time that I could count how many words Daniel said in a day. So it is a pretty big deal that I cannot remember everything he is saying, parents with children on the autism spectrum, that have been non-verbal or are, know that this is beyond expression.

I am very excited to see what he does next.

This leads me to what I think has been huge helps for him, the homeschooling that we have done and the many books that have played a role in helping me mesh a plan for us as family. I believe all the different factors have made life for Daniel much better and he seems a lot more happy and he is definitely more involved. Before I list the other books that I have been reading, I want to share another experience. I have always read to the kids and for a while I felt that I did not read enough, so last month I decided to start a monthly calendar tally of the new books we read, not the re-reads they don’t count, and every day we put the number of new books we have read on it. Then at the end of the week we see our total and at the end of the month we see our grand total.

I found a take home sheet from a school for parents to be more involved with their child, they suggested 5 books a month.

You have got to be kidding me! Five books a month, I thought to myself, I read that in a day if not more. I know I am a home school mom, so I have more time than other parents but still only five a month, that seemed to be very little to me. That is what prompted me to make a monthly calendar, I wanted to see what we average on our new book reading spectrum. Last month we read 62 new books, not including the re-reads, with the re-reads we were well over a 100. This month so far we are at 52 new books. We have already jumped up because the kids love this. So we are reading new books and doing activities along with the books and making up our own stories, talking about the characters, we are all really getting into this and I think that has helped Daniel want to be more involved in all of this as well. Not to mention giving them larger vocabulary to add to their repertoire, Daniel has increased verbally since I started this. The difference is that I got them actively involved in the book picking and activity process. Before I was telling them what we were doing, now we all participate.

I just thought it was interesting and I plan on continuing my experiment to see if it is just a word spurt or if Daniel truly has decided to take on a more verbal role. We’ll see. :-)

Here are some great resources I have been reading.

http://www.amazon.com/Color-Autism-Toni-Flowers/dp/1885477570/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271072662&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/OASIS-Guide-Asperger-Syndrome-Inspiration/dp/1400081521/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271085676&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Books-Grow-Childrens-Everyday-Challenges/dp/0974802573/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271085896&sr=1-1

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04/10/10

Echoes, Lines, Leading to Circles

When I was about 13 years old I had a strange experience, it happened to be my birthday and during the time my mother was married to my step-father, they would throw these parties for me (their friends). Although the house would be filled with drunken adults, I really didn’t mind because I enjoyed observing everyone and getting more presents, so it worked out for everyone. This particular year, I had taken to wandering, which I always did but I wandered into the garage, with a substance that altered my brain a little. No one noticed at all what I was up to and I was curious, so off I went hidden in one of my places of solitude.

I sat on the floor the smell of gasoline from the lawnmower and my head feeling a bit fuzzy.

Now it was either the beer or the gas fumes (I had the garage door shut, I wasn’t really thinking) but actually I am thinking both of them played a role in the next event. I pasted out, only for a few seconds but in those few seconds I saw my entire life. There was a massive world, kind of square-shaped but I knew it was inside of a circle some how, inside the square like shape were rectangles, and each rectangle had a moment in time of my life. I saw all the way up to adulthood but couldn’t make any distinction. In my mind I thought “these are echoes”, that is what they looked like to me, the sound of an echo. I saw all the way to my death but my death was me turning into a drip of gasoline and if it hit the gas tank, then that was it.

I was a goner!

Well I awoke from my state and was really freaked out. I went back inside and vowed never to do that again. Although I did drink, I made sure I wasn’t around any gas fumes! :-) After that experience I have had many moments where I felt I had the same exact experience, I had seen it before and I would look around and feel like I was in the rectangle of my echoes. Other times I would have the flash of my echoes and would know that it was bad I shouldn’t do it. I know it all sounds strange but I believe I have been saved from certain danger because of seeing these echoes. I don’t know what the echoes are or what it meant. But I saw them, I felt them and even now I know they are there and I have the ability to change them.

See what I saw was not just a whole bunch of events set in place, I saw choices.

I saw many different echoes that would affect the other but would lead to different paths and they could be altered. Wow, as I am writing this I feel like I sound crazy but I am not. I do not live my life based on these echoes, I just get reminded of them and when I see one flash before my eyes I try to make the best judgment based on feeling and prayer and of course talking to David. They have not been wrong and sometimes I have seen them to just give me confirmation that we are in the right place and our lives are on track. David thinks it is kind of funny but as I explained some of the things that go along with my echo theory, he has said that I am describing Quantum Physics and String Theory. I do not know much about either of them but I have done some reading.

However, I can guarantee at the age of 13 years old I knew nothing about it and that is what all of this is based on, my vision then.

The other thing I always have seen, is life playing out in a wave-like line that wraps around into a huge sphere. It has multiple colors, colors I cannot describe and it moves in waves as it spins around like a tube wrapping around all of the lives that have ever existed or will exist and it just flows into a dark abyss that is never-ending. That is the best way I can describe it and it is still not giving it justice but it does bring me peace. I love to sit and see the vision of the colorful wavy line that wraps all of the universes and connects everything to something. I see the vibrations and feel the movement of the gargantuan thing and it is breath-taking.

What does it mean?

I have no idea and I have only shared with David but I felt like writing it because possibly someone else has seen this or felt this or knows something. Or maybe I am just a loony toon and that is ok too. One last thing I remember is that since I was a child my mother has always said “there is a bubble around us, it protects us”. She was being literal. I see the bubble if I look close enough and I have since I was little. Maybe I made it up but my mom sees it too. Interesting. It is a hazy light that encircles me, it is an iridescent orb, I think and I can feel it, it too vibrates. When I have gone to places I have seen  what looks like a different haze that is over the area. Some homes I have gone in have the light haze and feel comforting. Others have a grayish like haze and they are not so comforting. I can feel and see the atmosphere.

I believe Daniel does too, he has run out of places that he didn’t like and he will not leave other places that have a warm and peaceful feel.

But any kid could do that so I am going to have to wait until he gets older to see if he feels or sees things. It will be interesting. I believe a lot of this may be my sensitivity to my environment and also my neurotransmitters doing strange things but what is very interesting is to think of all the information that is locked up in our brains that we do not know about.

Open up locked doors of my mind what else is in there? Well maybe I don’t want to know…

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04/9/10

Getting Older

I had a birthday a few weeks ago and I turned 37 years old. I rather like it. I like getting older and other people seem to think I am crazy for feeling this way. I don’t understand why. I have sisters who are between 10 and 20 yrs younger than me and they are worried about getting old. My 27-year-old sister makes comments like she is missing her prime to have another child. What? I am thinking I have another 10 years to decide if I want to have another child. Though I know the risks are higher, I still see no reason why I cannot have another child in my 40′s if David and I feel as though we would like to do that. (Though I really don’t think we will, we are quite content with our three.)

I feel like my life has just begun!

I feel young, I try to keep myself strong and healthy and I actually feel much better than I did in my 20′s. When I was in my 20′s, I was drinking all the time, working crazy hours, in bad relationships, confused about my world, I didn’t eat, sleep, and didn’t take care of myself at all. Now that I have changed all of that I am much happier and feel much better. I am still confused sometimes but isn’t that a part of life anyway? Shouldn’t we be confused so we will continue to ask questions?

That’s what keeps me energetic and alive–questions!

I have so many things I want to discover and learn and teach my kids and myself. I want to explore different worlds and have adventures. I am not talking about traveling the world physically, though that would be great if my AS issues didn’t send me in a tailspin, ( not to mention everyone else in the family with AS stuff and we don’t have money for that) but right here at home, there is so much to do! I am captivated by the questions and thoughts of my children and the things that pop in my head, so much so that I have at least another 60 or more years to pack my brain full of stuff and push my body to do things. God willing I will live that adventurous and exciting life that I have been living for the past 37 years!

I am excited about the years ahead.

If illness comes my way in other forms I pray I am strong enough to continue living this exciting and enjoyable life I have been given. I don’t want to waste it on being negative. I want to jump into it and be swallowed up by the joys that are surrounding me. We have our troubles but they are nothing compared to the amazing life we live. We are incredibly blessed that I get to stay home with the kids, that David free lances from home, that we are the primary people in the growth, development, and life of our children. That makes life so awesome in itself.

We are very thankful to live this life and for the challenges and blessing of our children and each other.

My life has heartbreak sometimes, it gets me sometimes, (mainly people) but then I am reminded about the life we have. I cherish the fact that as I get older I do learn more, I have my eyes opened more, I love more, I accept more, and if I have a few wrinkles who cares!! I feel like I am 15 yrs old some days and I will continue to embrace the youth of my soul and dance in the freedom of my new age each year! Life is good even during the worst of days, life is good.

If you don’t like getting older, I ask why? The days in the past seem like glory days but are they really?

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