What Does This Mean?

The other day I showed Daniel the beginning of “Puff the Magic Dragon”. It was this part watch?v=R6wJqdnMUEk. I wondered how he would respond to this. I had watched it several weeks before because of a documentary I had watched. I remembered as I watched it how as a child this movie always made me feel sad, heavy and like there was some sort of foreboding over me as I watched it. I never understood this, I still do not but I still have the same feeling as I watch it.

I find that odd since I really love dragons.

I had a pet dragon (not real) while we lived in Germany, we went there when I was 4 weeks old until I was 2 1/2 years old. The whole time there I had a dragon, that lived on our balcony and he went with us everywhere and my mother had to open the big huge doors for him everywhere we went because he couldn’t fit otherwise. He stayed in Germany, when we got back to the states he was no longer with me. Maybe he couldn’t fit on the plane. My love for dragons stayed with me all through out my childhood and even now, though I gave them up for a while because “fundamentalists” informed me that they were evil but I believe that they are wrong. When I saw “Puff the Magic Dragon” I thought I would enjoy it, so did my mother but I didn’t it made me sad.

I wanted to know if Daniel would show any sign of relating to Jackie Draper.

I do not know if he did or not but something happened that I have never seen Daniel do before. He was watching the video and when it ended it looped back to the beginning, I heard Daniel say something and I came up to him. He pulled the earphones off and said “I no watch, this mom”. He had tears in his eyes. Daniel doesn’t cry like that, the only time I see him cry is with tears of frustration or pain if he gets hurts but never a cry like this. He had a look on his face that I have never seen, the best I could decipher was fear. I think he was scared. I am not sure, he just kept blinking and had watery eyes. Tears never fell but he was clearly shaken. I held him and asked him what was wrong. He was unable to tell me, I asked if he was scared, he said no, I asked if he was sad, he said no.

I do no think he knew how he felt and I understood that completely.

I dropped the subject and he held on to me tight and I just rocked him. Not much longer he was ready to get down and go about his business as if nothing happened. Then yesterday the same thing happened. He was in the bath with Joshua, I went to get towels and all of the sudden Joshua starts screaming at the top of his lungs. I run in thinking that something horrible had happened, I asked him what’s wrong and he just kept screaming and pushing on Daniel. I pulled him out quickly and tried to calm him down. I found out that he was screaming because the bubbles were touching him and he didn’t want the bubbles to get him. I think I am going to need to pay more attention to Joshua’s sensory needs.

I came back into the bathroom and Daniel had that same face as when he watched the video.

He was saying “Mom I want out of the tub, Mom I want out”. He was blinking, his eyes were all teary and he looked, the best I can say is scared. I don’t know if Joshua frightened him because he was screaming, or if he was just as confused as I was at Joshua’s reaction, or both. I got him out of the tub and held him. I asked him again if he could tell me if he was sad, scared, or mad or anything. He told me no to all of those things and then responded with “Daniel is happy”. So I dropped it. But it is hard for my mind to let it go because my baby is clearly showing some sort of response that I do not understand. I was hoping to be able to help him find out what he was feeling but that seems rather silly when a lot of the times I cannot express what I am feeling.

I think it is a good thing and the fact that he is responding to comfort is good too.

In fact he is seeking it which is new, so I think that is good for him. It could be something to do with sensory. I know that when I get overloaded or I am socially confused I do feel emotional. I am not sure what it all means but as long as he is not shutting down and communicating to me I think it is something positive. I just need to stop analyzing so much sometimes and just hug my kids. That is hard for me to remember, I always want to know why they need comforted before I comfort them. I am getting better at this, I have become aware of my actions. Instead of saying “Why are you crying, tell me why you are crying so I can fix it.” I now just pick them up and ask at the same time. LOL! I am working on it!

It takes time and with a brain that continually forgets these things, I pray for grace over me and my kids.

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