Daily Archives: February 12, 2010

What Does This Mean?

The other day I showed Daniel the beginning of “Puff the Magic Dragon”. It was this part watch?v=R6wJqdnMUEk. I wondered how he would respond to this. I had watched it several weeks before because of a documentary I had watched. I remembered as I watched it how as a child this movie always made me feel sad, heavy and like there was some sort of foreboding over me as I watched it. I never understood this, I still do not but I still have the same feeling as I watch it.

I find that odd since I really love dragons.

I had a pet dragon (not real) while we lived in Germany, we went there when I was 4 weeks old until I was 2 1/2 years old. The whole time there I had a dragon, that lived on our balcony and he went with us everywhere and my mother had to open the big huge doors for him everywhere we went because he couldn’t fit otherwise. He stayed in Germany, when we got back to the states he was no longer with me. Maybe he couldn’t fit on the plane. My love for dragons stayed with me all through out my childhood and even now, though I gave them up for a while because “fundamentalists” informed me that they were evil but I believe that they are wrong. When I saw “Puff the Magic Dragon” I thought I would enjoy it, so did my mother but I didn’t it made me sad.

I wanted to know if Daniel would show any sign of relating to Jackie Draper.

I do not know if he did or not but something happened that I have never seen Daniel do before. He was watching the video and when it ended it looped back to the beginning, I heard Daniel say something and I came up to him. He pulled the earphones off and said “I no watch, this mom”. He had tears in his eyes. Daniel doesn’t cry like that, the only time I see him cry is with tears of frustration or pain if he gets hurts but never a cry like this. He had a look on his face that I have never seen, the best I could decipher was fear. I think he was scared. I am not sure, he just kept blinking and had watery eyes. Tears never fell but he was clearly shaken. I held him and asked him what was wrong. He was unable to tell me, I asked if he was scared, he said no, I asked if he was sad, he said no.

I do no think he knew how he felt and I understood that completely.

I dropped the subject and he held on to me tight and I just rocked him. Not much longer he was ready to get down and go about his business as if nothing happened. Then yesterday the same thing happened. He was in the bath with Joshua, I went to get towels and all of the sudden Joshua starts screaming at the top of his lungs. I run in thinking that something horrible had happened, I asked him what’s wrong and he just kept screaming and pushing on Daniel. I pulled him out quickly and tried to calm him down. I found out that he was screaming because the bubbles were touching him and he didn’t want the bubbles to get him. I think I am going to need to pay more attention to Joshua’s sensory needs.

I came back into the bathroom and Daniel had that same face as when he watched the video.

He was saying “Mom I want out of the tub, Mom I want out”. He was blinking, his eyes were all teary and he looked, the best I can say is scared. I don’t know if Joshua frightened him because he was screaming, or if he was just as confused as I was at Joshua’s reaction, or both. I got him out of the tub and held him. I asked him again if he could tell me if he was sad, scared, or mad or anything. He told me no to all of those things and then responded with “Daniel is happy”. So I dropped it. But it is hard for my mind to let it go because my baby is clearly showing some sort of response that I do not understand. I was hoping to be able to help him find out what he was feeling but that seems rather silly when a lot of the times I cannot express what I am feeling.

I think it is a good thing and the fact that he is responding to comfort is good too.

In fact he is seeking it which is new, so I think that is good for him. It could be something to do with sensory. I know that when I get overloaded or I am socially confused I do feel emotional. I am not sure what it all means but as long as he is not shutting down and communicating to me I think it is something positive. I just need to stop analyzing so much sometimes and just hug my kids. That is hard for me to remember, I always want to know why they need comforted before I comfort them. I am getting better at this, I have become aware of my actions. Instead of saying “Why are you crying, tell me why you are crying so I can fix it.” I now just pick them up and ask at the same time. LOL! I am working on it!

It takes time and with a brain that continually forgets these things, I pray for grace over me and my kids.

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Me and Valentine’s Day

Do not worry I will not bore you with the details of how Valentine’s Day came about, though it is quite a restraint for me and all I will do is this,Valentine\’s Day. Wikipedia will give the just of it. I had to do that, I had to have something on here about the history. Alright, so me and Valentine’s Day, well I have to say it is another tradition that has not been one of my favorites. However, making it into a positive with my kids has been really great.

When I was in school it was mandatory that we bring Valentine’s Day cards for everyone.

All through elementary school I had anxiety about this event. My mother didn’t get it and she would buy me the cheapest cards and not think of any of the consequences I would face with my peers. Later as I expressed my humiliation she let me choose my cards but she complained about having to pay for them the whole time which brought about a whole other anxiety issue. Every year I would sit on the floor pouring over the words that were on each card, with my list of names for each student. I would think of each individual and try to match the right wording to the feelings I felt for that person. My mother would get so aggravated with me, “just write their names and be done, its not that big of deal”. It was for me. Each person in my classes had treated me a certain way, they said things to me, they looked at me, they hurt me, they were nice to me, each one needed the correct card.

I thought everyone did this.

When I received my cards, I thought all of the other children did the same thing as I did. I thought they meant the words written on the cards. I was wrong and it brought about a lot of confusion for me and a lot of rude remarks from my peers. I still have a hard time comprehending this, when I found out that even some of the children’s mother’s were the ones who signed the names on the cards I couldn’t understand. How could she pick out the right card for each child, she didn’t even know any of us. I was thankful that in middle school and high school we didn’t have to do any of that but there was the whole buzz with the girls receiving items from admirers or their boyfriends.

I felt left out and longed to receive things like flowers so I wouldn’t feel like such an outcast.

Although when I had boyfriends and they gave me stuff like that, I was happy and angry at the same time. I was happy because they thought of me, so I thought, but that is another story, but angry because they got me crap! What was I going to do with flowers after they died? Why would I eat a box of chocolate when I don’t normally eat it? Why would I like cheap jewelry that was usually cheap gold and that looked green on my skin? And everyone who knows me knows that I only wear silver or platinum .Why would I want a big elephant stuffed animal when I never showed any interest in elephants? Why not get me some music, a book, take me to the library, watch one of my favorite movies, sit with me and watch an entire day of history channel or real life murder mystery stories? The problem was they were not into that and they didn’t really know me at all.

My ex-husband made me so incredibly angry with one of his Valentine’s Day gifts.

I will never forget it. I came home to my apartment and the hallway had rose peddles all over the floor leading to my door. I walked in and there were rose peddles leading from the door to the bedroom. I was freaking out because of the mess, the hallway had to be cleaned up. I didn’t want other people to slip and fall, it was a mess. So I came in saying that and he had to go clean it up before I could even go into the room. Finally, it was cleaned up in the hallway and I had cleaned up the floor in the apartment. I went into the bedroom and on the bed was¬† huge bouquet of roses, box wrapped in red, some sort of stuffed animal and a little box.¬† I didn’t like any of this it made me very uncomfortable.

One of the reasons was that I had already made it very clear that I am not that into Valentine’s Day.

I opened the box, my heart sank. Are you kidding me? I pulled out the most repulsive dress, a dress that I would never wear. It was red spandex, there were two single spaghetti strap, elastic things to hold this thing up. One over the neck the other across my back, the back was completely opened to the top of my butt, the trim at the bottom had red sequence beads. He wanted me to wear this out in public to a restaurant/dance place. There were so many things wrong with this but the one thing that continued to go through my mind, which I also kept saying out loud over and over, “it’s freezing outside why would you get this for me?” I could not wear that outside or in a restaurant. I am always cold and I would be even colder if I wore that, even if I wore a coat.

I asked him why did you get me this?

He tried to make it into a positive and get my mind off of the dress so he suggested I open the other small gift. I did, which proved to be even worse. He got me a gold necklace with a gold heart pendent! WTF? I looked at him in complete disbelief, “why would you get me gold and a heart?” “I don’t wear this, you know I don’t wear hearts or gold?” Why would he get me these things? I was so upset. He was pretty upset too, what an ungrateful mean person I was. Well I thought it was quite mean of him to waste money on such thoughtless gifts. I found out that he had taken his brothers girlfriend with him to go shopping to pick out things and she reassured him that any girl would love what she had picked out. Any girl but me! They were the complete opposite of me and the thing that made me so angry was that he was supposed to know this.

He was with me everyday, he saw what I liked and didn’t like, how could he be so insensitive.

Though if you ask him, I was insensitive and I am sure I did not say the correct words and they were most likely hurtful. I couldn’t even take the stuff back, he had purchased them in another city so I was stuck with these god awful gifts. I ended up giving them away to people I think could enjoy them. He knew I had an obsession with reading, there were so many books that I had on a list to get, why didn’t he get those? He told me that he didn’t think it was romantic and that I would get upset. I don’t think so, to be honest I think he wanted to dress me up like his little Barbie doll and parade me around town to make himself feel better, I could be wrong but from the way the marriage ended I am pretty sure I am correct.

I have never been one for flowers, candy, and jewelry unless they are very unique or I specifically request something.

I feel that the flowers, candy, jewelry, and even perfumes are quite useless and a waste of money on me. I understand other people like those things and I am fine with that, I actually enjoy getting them for others if I know that is what they like. I may not understand it but I enjoy them being happy about receiving such gifts. For me a token of love is taking out the trash, giving me books, finding a song that I have never heard before, changing a diaper, :-) and letting me have uninterrupted internet time to gather all the information my little heart desires. Things like that are great gifts.

Jewelry bothers me, gold bothers me and I am not a fan of any kind of bling.

I do wear my wedding ring which is engraved in Hebrew that says “My Lover is Mine and I am His”. I stopped wearing earrings about 7 years ago, before that I had worn the same earrings for about 4-5 years straight. I wore a silver cross necklace for 9 years straight. I like it simple and easy to wear. Flowers will die and their smell really gets to me, along with perfumes and such it has to be just the right scent or else it can cause my head to go into a whirlwind and I get sick. I am very sensitive to smells. Candy of any sorts is not a good gift for me because I am very particular about the kinds I eat since chocolates have various textures and some of them are too gross for me. I could go on about this but I will stop myself. When it comes to cards I like giving cards but I really mean the words, so when I pick out a card I have read many and I chose the one that expresses my words the best. Since I am not very good at remembering to say things like how much I love a person or what they mean to mean I find cards to be good for me, however, some people don’t seem to think the same way about cards as I do.

I am grateful for having such an understanding  husband.

David gets it. He is right there with me. We don’t do any of those kinds of things for each other. We tell each other what we want and we don’t save it for a token social holiday. If we want to express our love for one another we just do it and it is in ways that other people would find quite boring or even odd. It works for us. That is all that matters expressing your love the way you feel comfortable. Is it a poem, a song, creating a painting, a quilt, making dolls, sharing your fan? However, you express love is great and should be encouraged. That was my biggest problem with my ex and other people in my life, he didn’t think about how he could express his love for me. He went to someone who didn’t know me at all. Many people do that, they see what is on tv or other media venues and believe that is the way they should express their love.

People have bought into it and reduced themselves down to these simple trinkets to make them feel loved.

You are loved when the people around you accept you just as you are and are willing to find the things that you enjoy to let you know that you are appreciated and deeply wanted. It may be flowers, jewelry or candy that makes you happy but isn’t there more? Isn’t their value in what you think or who you are more than these things and shouldn’t it be acknowledged a lot more than on a holiday that bears no real significance to your self-worth?

It’s not the gift, it’s the thought that goes into the gift. Happy Valentine’s Day. :-)

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