Today started off on a very bad note. Joshua woke up way too early, he then woke up Daniel and Daniel came into my bed and woke me up. Ariel got woken up as well from Joshua turning on all of the lights and then the cat was awakened by the loud voice of Joshua saying “HEY, NATHANIEL” as he chased him, needless to say we all got up and the only one who was ready for the day was Joshua. He is a very energetic little fellow and we love him dearly, we just wish that he would sleep a bit longer.
I have already been feeling off for a few days so this didn’t help much.
With the full moon all of us have been very sensitive with all of our sensory issues. I have been exceptionally confused by any social interaction I have had and the kids have been very energetic, more so than usual. Yesterday Daniel started going through his cycle that for some reason I am never prepared for, maybe it is because I am going through my own and I am not able to discern things as well. He started talking in his high-pitched voice that no one can understand, except for me and only after I have asked him a million times “What do you want, I am sorry I can’t understand you. Please show me.”
He is also making noise, very LOUD noise.
Spinning wind up toys, banging doors, clanging plastic toys on tiles and glass, dropping metal on the floor anything and everything he can find. All of those things feel like daggers in my ears and they hurt my head so bad it is like icicles being pushed through my veins into my skull. It hurts, ok, it makes my body cringe and I have a hard time being able to focus. Joshua is very loud anyway, he has no idea that he is so loud and I know it is not me, other people have made comments about it too, not in a bad way, but he is. He talks, moves, plays, sings, everything you name it, he does it loudly. Ariel asks questions non-stop and when she gets very excited she has a high-pitched voice that she uses.
All of these things mixed together during this time is just a lot for me to handle.
They are wonderful kids so don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining I am just describing my environment right now. All three of them have been overly sensitive this week, for instance I was giving them a bath, I used the same exact shampoo I use every time and the water from the bathtub to rinse so I know that it was the perfect temperature because I spent 10 mins. making sure that it was, and Joshua started screaming at the top of his lungs “It burns! It’s burning my head!” and then he screamed “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, my eyes!” while I rinsed him with the water, which got no where near his eyes because if it does he screams.
All he did was scream, I quickly got him out and held him and was very confused.
Talk about overload, there is still more, I don’t like getting any part of me wet, unless I am in the shower, so when my clothes got wet from that I was having a hard time comforting Joshua, but I did. (Then quickly changed my clothes.) Ariel has been asking questions non-stop and getting very emotional about situations with her brothers. She has had several moments yelling at them to be quiet because they are too loud, as she covers her ears. She has been requesting alone time so she can paint and I have let her.
This week has been just a lot.
I am emotional for some reason, at first I was pretty happy and then I got just blah. Yesterday we spent the day with my mom and it was good but we went to a craft store and then to her house and we were there a lot longer than usual and last night I was just spent. Daniel was bouncing off the walls, he couldn’t go to sleep and I really didn’t want to lay with him because it is so uncomfortable, but I ended up having to, to help him calm down. I have had to most of this week, lay down with him and just hold him.
All of this brings me back to today.
This morning after we all woke up, Daniel out of the blue asks for his light green fan. I had no idea what he is talking about. He claimed that it was in the garage, so I go into the garage and look for it. It wasn’t there, he didn’t believe me, so I took him into the garage to see for himself. After he was satisfied, he claimed it was upstairs. I went upstairs and find nothing but then again I don’t know what I am looking for. I wake up David, I tell him what Daniel is asking for and ask him if he has any idea what it is. He finally realizes that Daniel is wanting a fan that we purchased over the summer. A small hand-held, battery operated fan. I haven’t seen it in months! I look all over the house, everywhere. Daniel was following me and I was feeling the escalation.
I finally tell him that I cannot find it, it is gone.
For quite a while I was the recipient of his wrath. I stayed calm, helped him to his room and let him sit in there for few minutes, for both of us. He wasn’t happy about that but after I got over my overload I went back in and we hugged, he was still upset but I got him interested in his gears so that helped. However, he was not giving up on the fan so I had to go to the store and I prayed the whole way there that they had the “light green fan” because it is a seasonal item. Thank God! It was there, I got a few just in case. I did not want to go to the store because as you can see I was quite overloaded from the chain of events but I had to. I had my list because we needed other things too and I held it tightly as I practically ran through the store so I could hurry up and get home. (David was having his own issues, we decided it was best for me to be the one to go.)
I just want to say how thankful I am for self checkout!
I got home and Daniel was happy. I put everything away as David played with the kids a bit longer before he had to go off to work and I sat at the computer. All I could do was find music to listen to, I just needed that time. I did not have enough time before David went up but he had to get to his work. I gave Ariel an art project, painting by numbers, I gave Joshua some toys and food and Daniel was perfectly happy now that he had his light green fan. I put my head phones on (The position of my desk allows me to see everything so I know it’s ok to have my head phones on.) and I cranked up my music and just let it consume my brain. Then the tears just flowed, I couldn’t stop them, I don’t know why I was crying I just was.
I wasn’t listening to sad music, there was nothing I thought of, the tears just came.
I was overwhelmed with sadness. My mind was filled with questions and wanting to know my purpose. Why is my brain so different? What is wrong with me? Why am I sad? Why can’t I handle these situations? Tears, tears, tears. And many more thoughts and questions flooding my brain. I turned off the music and I got up because I needed to be with my kids. Daniel came running up to me and I just said “Daniel, Mommy is sad”. He looked at me and took his little arm, touched my leg and said “Mommy’s not sad”. I looked at him and said “Yes, I am sad”. Just to reassure him because I was not ready to get out of my sadness.
He looked at me, gave me a hug and said “Mommy’s not sad, Mommy’s happy”.
That was the first time he ever acknowledged feelings and then did something to bring comfort. I was still sad but I was very happy at the same time. The tears came again but for a different reason and Daniel looked at me with concern. I told him “You are right Daniel, Mommy is happy”. I wiped my eyes dry and smiled at him and I asked him if I could have another hug. He gave me a full on hug and he held me for a moment, just squeezing. He then looked at me and said “Daniel is happy”. Out of all this stuff that has been going on and through my meltdown who would have thought Daniel would have a first time moment of recognizing an emotional need and then providing comfort. I am much better now I still feel blah, but I am not sad.
Ariel, my baby girl, had no idea about any of this, she had no idea I was sad because she was quietly painting and to my surprise making me a card that said “Ariel, I (heart) Mommy, I (heart)”.
She brought it to me and said “Here Mom, I made this for ya”. My sweet Joshua had noticed earlier that I had some tears and he brought me some tissue, with a little smile he handed it to me and then went and cleaned up his books for me. My kids are awesome. I so wish that I didn’t have days like this, but then I quickly change my mind because these days are what makes it so worth wild. I know my sensory stuff and their sensory stuff will pass and come again, some days will be better than others but if we didn’t have such intense times we would never have the moments with the unexpected surprises.
I wouldn’t have those days where I say “who would have thought”.