Sense of Urgency
There are some days where I feel I must, I MUST, write down all that is going through my mind and I MUST, get it up on my blog for everyone to read. The invisible persons out there who may or may not be reading my blog have got to know all the goings on in my mind. They NEED this information, if I do not get it up then, then…what?
What exactly is going to happen?
I don’t know. I am having one of those days. I have written several posts, they are waiting in my que, all of them are over 500 words, most of them are close to over 1500 words. The other day I wrote one over 4000 words, in an hour. I have not posted them yet because I want to go over them and re-read what I have written. My mind has been in a frenzy, information pouring out, stories of how I feel, what I find interesting, and what is important to me. All of this MUST be shared and given freely to the world for them to know, understand, hear me, feel me, get what my world is like, find out what I am all about.
I then feel like I am a narcissist.
Who am I to think anyone reads my blog or is even interested in what I have to say or how I feel for that matter. I quickly come back to my senses and remember that the main reason I am writing this, is for me. It’s my therapy, to share what I am feeling, what I am going through, how I felt during a certain situation, what was going on with our family, the changes that Daniel has made and other reasons that will benefit us in the future. I do have this thing inside of me that wants so much for my writings to be helpful, to let others know that they are not alone, for me to think of my issues, write them and then be inspired to check out other AS blogs and writings so that I know I am not alone.
I guess that the main thing is, when I write I become me.
As I write the words are in my mind, I hear a voice and it is connected to my hands. When I have a thought, a poem or a story come to mind and I feel that I just HAVE to get it out, I do. I do have to get it out, it is the only time that I actually feel connected to my body. The only time I feel whole. All other times I feel awkward, my hands feel a million miles away and they seem to be doing their own thing. My arms have always felt as if they were doll parts that could be popped off and at night while in bed, as a child and even at times now, I would have visions of popping my arms off so I could finally lay comfortably and go to sleep. Just yesterday I noticed how I was getting overloaded with sound, my children were just playing and asking me for things but I couldn’t take it, my head was just shaking back and forth. It just did it, I wasn’t thinking “stop it”, I was just shaking my head and then I would notice and try to stop but it would do it again. Yes, I had to put my hands over my ears for a little while.
The kids were not doing anything wrong it just seemed to be a lot louder and more traumatic than usual for me.
As I am writing this I am realizing that when I have that intensity and I am overloaded that is when I tend to jump on the “urgency train”. Am I escaping? Well I guess I am, especially if when I am writing, that is the only time I feel in control and like myself. It must be my stim and I didn’t realize it. Duh! Maybe I did I can’t remember, all I know is that I am starting to feel much better and my hands are doing exactly what my brain is telling them to do without great effort and I am not stumbling around. Maybe there is something to this sense of urgency thing, maybe it is the way my brain tells me to get back to my “normal”. Just maybe. 
I still wonder why I feel it is so important for me to share with others.
Everything I find, all new information, any details I may have left out or suddenly noticed, I cannot rest until I get it out there or share it with another person. During times like this when David is swamped with work and I am unable to share all of my thoughts I tend to feel a sense of urgency also. Is this an AS thing? Do other Aspie’s do this? I am going to research this, my mind will not stop. I have been stuck on another subject and it has made me a little paranoid, I have been reading about narcissism lately. Maybe that has triggered something, I don’t know what, but maybe something. My mind is stirring with questions and seeking out information, I can’t stop.
I am terribly afraid that I am a narcissist, David swears I am not but his exact words were “trying to figure out if you are a narcissist, is being a narcissist”. So I stopped.
