Daily Archives: January 28, 2010

Pegged Me All Wrong

Several years ago, there was a guy who I deeply cared for. I still wonder about him and hope he is doing well. He opened my eyes to a lot of things and he hurt me. He hurt me to the depths of my soul. Why so deep — I don’t know what I did wrong. He just all of a sudden cut me off from his world and never told me why. I still do not know. I felt we had a great friendship. I felt that we really connected. There were times when I just looked at him and felt that we just got each other, there was no need to speak. Then there were times when I felt derailed, confused, misunderstood, and shut out.

What was this, what were we?

I really do not know, but now I can see a lot of my Asperger’s shining through, in hindsight. I didn’t know how to read the cues. I remember one time he said to me, “You are one of those girls.” and I asked, “What do you mean?” He said “A girl who always has a guy waiting.” I was very hurt, why would he think such a thing? Then I got angry, how dare he say such a thing! It wasn’t true and I told him so. I was fully capable of taking care of myself and I did not need any man to help me! I have taken care of myself my whole life, who was he to say that? I quickly forgave him and moved on, but as you can tell, I still remember the words. I remember that I was driving my car, the place where we were going and the topic of discussion. (Cleaning my cats litter box started it, just saying.)

There are several things that he did to try to fit me into a box. 

I believe one being my Christian point of view. I was not a typical Christian and I still am not. I do not hold the point of view of the masses, though I am finding many more like myself, we do not have the loudest voices. The other folks do — those who make it out to be in a very negative light. There were differences in our beliefs at the time. I was hard-core fixated on… I guess you would call it an evangelical point of view. I know now that I was absorbed in that because I was trying to fit in, and find what was “right” in life. I was constantly studying so of course there would come a time when I would no longer hold such a black-and-white point of view. I actually didn’t then, but it was what my church or the people I associated with represented.

He had taken that view of me.

I was unsure how to deal with my dually mindset between my feelings, and what the church was saying. When he asked me questions, I gave him the script I was given from church. He thought he knew me. He did not. However, he was unwilling to get to know my true views, or stick around to see where my beliefs took me. If only he would have discussed these things with me, he would have realized that all I was saying is that Jesus loves you wherever you are at find your journey. But he did not, though we seemed to share a deep friendship, he was not willing to find out my thoughts or feelings. I do have to thank him.

If it were not for him I would not have stepped back into reality.

Because of him, I really began to question the very scriptures the church used to force me to be “obedient”. I started praying to God and asking for clarity. Then I began to re-read the gospels with a different perspective, seriously what was Jesus about? Well, He was busy running with people who the “church” people would not run around with and I felt the Lord told me I was wrong. I had been isolating myself from non-church goers and that was not being very loving. Even though I did love people, I was not being loving. I was not accepting them where they were at — because that was the script, I was given.

My script was changing.

I was now released from a bondage that had me for several years. It was a bondage that fits right into my AS, it gave me right and wrong, and it told me that since I did not hold a degree in the area of say, Biblical Foundations, I was completely unqualified to question or doubt anything a leader who did hold some sort of degree. Well that seems about right? (Though that didn’t last long and I have been in a little bit of trouble for questioning authority, I never try to defy authority, I just seem to state the obvious too often.)

It obviously took a while for me to get my mind back.

It also took some time to come to terms with the grey areas. I still struggle with this deeply. I remember one day my friend had asked me if I had ever seen the movie “The Big Kahuna” well of course I had not because I had stopped watching R-rated movies for several years. When things started changing in my thoughts, my heart, and my eyes were opening, that was one of the first movies I watched. As I watched the movie, I cried, I felt sick, I was changed, and I knew and know today, I NEVER want to have an agenda. Great clip from the movie, I got it! The Big Kahuna Clip

I hope he was not implying that I was not honest!

I do not think that is what he meant, but I know that I do not want to be known for marketing Jesus. I never meant to do that, all I have ever hoped was that I was loving people the way Jesus expressed it. I have this longing for people to know that they are loved, they are worth something, they do have purpose, and they are not alone. I guess it could be because that is what I have longed for all my life. I found that through my beliefs, not because I am weak but because it made sense to me. It helped me feel ok for not fitting in, I found that God created me to be different, though that is said throughout church they do not really mean it, but God does. I am free because of my beliefs, if I didn’t have these beliefs I would have never questioned them. If I just went about thinking I had the answers, I would not have gained all of the great information and new found fixations I have now. :-)

Sorry I went off track, what am I trying to say?

He did what every other person has done to me; he made an image of me and kept me there. I was no longer a person, but an object. I wish he would have talked to me a bit more. I wish he would have hung in there a bit longer, but he didn’t and so I had to do something to get him out of my life, um…out of my mind. (It is pretty clear that he has never left my mind.) He had already cut me off — I was the one that kept trying to contact him. In order to help myself I wrote him an email and said what I felt God said at the time, and I never spoke to him again. To be sure that I never heard from him again, I never checked that email account, and I gave the computer away erasing everything that had any reminiscence of him on it. I needed closure, though I did not get it and I have been fixated on him throughout the years. Not a weird obsession, but wondering about him, wanting to write him, wanting to know why he would no longer have anything to do with me, but I never did. In reality when I felt cut off I went straight back to the church mindset. It was the first time I allowed someone into my heart with no walls, and I got rejected. I questioned everything, including myself. I shut myself up all of these years — hoping to never get hurt again.

He made such a huge impact on my life that I just wanted to tell him somehow.

So I wrote this for me and for him. I believe because of my need for answers, the feeling that he cut me off all of the sudden, and that he was evasive caused me to loop about this for years. I feel that the confusion has left me in a constant circle where I can find my peace about it, but then in my brain cycle, the whole thing comes back up again and I cannot let it go. It doesn’t make sense, everything seemed very sudden, random, and there was no communication. Why? I may never know, but at least I can go back to this and remind myself that indeed I may never know. I thank him for letting me experience great joy that I have never experienced in the same way, and for opening my heart and eyes in many areas. I confess it is still very painful at times, but still I am filled with such happiness when I think of him.

The place that we worked at was one of the best places I ever worked.

I met a great bunch of people, I learned so much from all of the people there. They helped mold me into where I am at now. Every person that has come across in my life has meant something to me, they have taught me, whether good or bad, or showing me love or hate. They made an impact and helped to open my eyes a little bit more every time. My mind is different, I am affected in different ways than other people, just like any Apsie can attest to, and I do not understand the world in the same way. I can feel so incredibly naive at times. Sometimes I feel like I have so much information that I am going to explode. Information is not the same as knowing, some things I know better than others. Some things I just have more information. Some things I am completely clueless until someone brings it to my attention.

This happens to be one of those moments, I am completely clueless.

This friend of mine reminded me of how much I love all kinds of music. How I love movies and the impact they have on me, which led me back into art and how much it makes me feel alive, leading me into dance once again and cultivating the passion I have for writing. Granted he did not single-handedly do this, there were many impacts from people and God revealing to me His presence in everything. My husband who has taken the time to build into to me and help me find myself and of course my children, just to name a few. Although thanks to this long-lost friend, my life changed and went down a course I never imagined because I had limited my imagination.

Thank you my dear friend, ok, bye.

April 2012: After editing this with a new mindset, I see how much I had trapped myself. I convinced myself that I was free in my thinking, but I was not. When I wrote this I was still hardly listening to secular music, I barely watched any R-rated movies once again, I wouldn’t write what I was truly feeling. In this post I only wrote partial truths, I could not confess the reality. I believe that in some way I was speaking to myself prophetically to come out. Revealing in writing who I really was, but still hiding all of the true aspects of me. I did not want to face myself, or the fact that I had tied down the person I really am. The fear of being rejected for being me was too much, but I desperately wanted to come out. Out of my brokenness and allowing myself to feel once again, I have been dramatically changed. It hurts beyond words to love someone who does not return your affections, but it also forces you to deal with why you are seeking to be loved in the first place. My friend continues to soar in my heart pure joy and terrible sadness.

A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.

~ Abraham Cowley

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. ~ Anonymous

1 person likes this post.

Daniel “Green’s Mine”

Lately Daniel has been claiming the color green. I have been wondering why he would claim a color. He has always been partial to green, when he was little I noticed that he stayed more calm when I put him in hunter green or slightly lighter shades of hunter green. I also noticed when I put him in red he would be more aggressive than usual. The first time I noticed this was one day when he was about two yrs old he was having a rough day, I ended up having to change his clothes, he was wearing red and I changed him into something green. I thought maybe he had just snapped out of it or something.

However, I noticed the change and I decided to test it out.

Sure enough every time he was in red he was more aggressive and just seemed unhappy so I would put him in green or a dark blue and he would have a shift in his mood. I decided to only put him in deeper colors like burgundy, hunter green, and dark blues. He seems to be ok in light blues and mustard colors as well but not bright greens or yellows. He gets very hyper in those colors. It is very interesting. I did a little research on the subject and found that indeed colors can effect our moods, the clothing we wear can make a difference. I have always had issues with wearing very bright colors or certain patterns. I can feel them, it’s like they are attacking my skin or something. I wore black most of my teenage life. I was depressed but I wonder how much of it had to do with me trying to control my emotions, who knows.

The other day we were in the car and in the back Daniel yells out of the blue “green’s mine!”.

I turned around and said “what?” again Daniel shouted in a very jolly happy tone “green’s mine!”. He started laughing and he thought it was very funny, as we were all laughing he then shouted while giggling “Joshua is blue!”. Hmmm….this got me thinking and then he went on “Ariel is red!”. Ok, of course I had to ask “what color is Mommy?’. He said “red”, “Daddy is light-blue” and “Grammy is green like Daniel”.  I asked him all of the family members I could think of that he knew and he started labeling the girls red and the boys blue so I thought this is strange I wonder if it is just a girl/boy thing but what is up with the green?

I decided to ask him about his Sunday school teacher he had that day and he said that she was yellow and the other one, who was a guy was red and blue.

Interesting, I have no idea what he is measuring or what it is about. I know I have seen colors around people and people say that is an aura, sure I can see that but I wonder what it is really about. David said it could be Daniel measuring the degrees of Asperger’s he sees in a person since he and my mother have many of the same characteristics, David and Joshua have similar traits and Ariel and I show similar traits. But that doesn’t really explain the other people who share the same colors who show no signs what so ever. It still is an interesting concept. It could be that he really likes green, Grammy likes green even though she doesn’t express her likeness for it but he just knows, Ariel and I both like red and Joshua’s favorite color has been blue since the day he was born.

Joshua has grabbed everything blue and claimed it for his, even as an infant.

Daniel could be claiming green like Joshua has claimed blue, we do tend to get Ariel red things, Daniel green and Joshua blue. It could be nothing more than that or he could see people in color. I do that and I have always steered clear of people who seem to have a blackness around them it makes me uncomfortable, I have noticed that those same people Daniel does not want to be around either. Although that could be the vibe that I am giving off and he feels it. Anyway maybe we will find out as he gets older, maybe not but as for now Daniel has dibs on green, just so everyone knows.

Be the first to like.

Sense of Urgency

There are some days where I feel I must, I MUST, write down all that is going through my mind and I MUST, get it up on my blog for everyone to read. The invisible persons out there who may or may not be reading my blog have got to know all the goings on in my mind. They NEED this information, if I do not get it up then, then…what?

What exactly is going to happen?

I don’t know. I am having one of those days. I have written several posts, they are waiting in my que, all of them are over 500 words, most of them are close to over 1500 words. The other day I wrote one over 4000 words, in an hour. I have not posted them yet because I want to go over them and re-read what I have written. My mind has been in a frenzy, information pouring out, stories of how I feel, what I find interesting, and what is important to me.  All of this MUST be shared and given freely to the world for them to know, understand, hear me, feel me, get what my world is like, find out what I am all about.

I then feel like I am a narcissist.

Who am I to think anyone reads my blog or is even interested in what I have to say or how I feel for that matter. I quickly come back to my senses and remember that the main reason I am writing this, is for me. It’s my therapy, to share what I am feeling, what I am going through, how I felt during a certain situation, what was going on with our family, the changes that Daniel has made and other reasons that will benefit us in the future. I do have this thing inside of me that wants so much for my writings to be helpful, to let others know that they are not alone, for me to think of my issues, write them and then be inspired to check out other AS blogs and writings so that I know I am not alone.

I guess that the main thing is, when I write I become me.

As I write the words are in my mind, I hear a voice and it is connected to my hands. When I have a thought, a poem or a story come to mind and I feel that I just HAVE to get it out, I do. I do have to get it out, it is the only time that I actually feel connected to my body. The only time I feel whole. All other times I feel awkward, my hands feel a million miles away and they seem to be doing their own thing. My arms have always felt as if they were doll parts that could be popped off and at night while in bed, as a child and even at times now, I would have visions of popping my arms off so I could finally lay comfortably and go to sleep. Just yesterday I noticed how I was getting overloaded with sound, my children were just playing and asking me for things but I couldn’t take it, my head was just shaking back and forth. It just did it, I wasn’t thinking “stop it”, I was just shaking my head and then I would notice and try to stop but it would do it again. Yes, I had to put my hands over my ears for a little while.

The kids were not doing anything wrong it just seemed to be a lot louder and more traumatic than usual for me.

As I am writing this I am realizing that when I have that intensity and I am overloaded that is when I tend to jump on the “urgency train”. Am I escaping? Well I guess I am, especially if when I am writing, that is the only time I feel in control and like myself. It must be my stim and I didn’t realize it. Duh! Maybe I did I can’t remember, all I know is that I am starting to feel much better and my hands are doing exactly what my brain is telling them to do without great effort and I am not stumbling around. Maybe there is something to this sense of urgency thing, maybe it is the way my brain tells me to get back to my “normal”. Just maybe. :-)

I still wonder why I feel it is so important for me to share with others.

Everything I find, all new information, any details I may have left out or suddenly noticed, I cannot rest until I get it out there or share it with another person. During times like this when David is swamped with work and I am unable to share all of my thoughts I tend to feel a sense of urgency also. Is this an AS thing? Do other Aspie’s do this? I am going to research this, my mind will not stop. I have been stuck on another subject and it has made me a little paranoid, I have been reading about narcissism lately. Maybe that has triggered something, I don’t know what, but maybe something. My mind is stirring with questions and seeking out information, I can’t stop.

I am terribly afraid that I am a narcissist, David swears I am not but his exact words were “trying to figure out if you are a narcissist, is being a narcissist”. :-) So I stopped.

Be the first to like.