Daily Archives: January 21, 2010

Face Book Detox!

It has been over a year that I have been on facebook. I enjoyed being part of a virtual world with people from my past and seeing what they are up to now. I enjoyed being connected with family and current friends. I enjoyed seeing pictures and sharing mine. I was a bit apprehensive in confirming friends with certain people but I went ahead, second guessing my gut feeling. I have limited my friends and purposefully not requested to be friends with a large amount of people from my past even though I have looked them up to see if they were on facebook. There are several reasons for me not requesting friend status with these people and even blocking a few.

I will make a short list so I can try to stay focused, direct and try to limit myself from getting into side stories.

1. I do not know how they are going to respond to my friend request.

2. I am not sure I really want them to know anything about me.

3. They have confused me, hurt me, caused me a great deal of stress and caused me to question myself in the past.

4. I don’t really think that we are friends.

5. If they did confirm, I really wouldn’t know why.¬† Were we ever really friends?

6. I use Face Book as a means to have virtual relationships with people to make me more comfortable.

Those are some of the reasons I have come up.

I have those issues and now what has happened is my anxiety level has risen with facebook. In the last few months I have become obsessive about checking everyone’s status. I have started thinking in terms of “I can post that on facebook”. My life turned into a constant thinking process of FB status updates. Whatever I learned, felt, saw, did, what the kids were doing, what David was doing and what the cat was doing started to become status updates in my head and I felt I had to post them because of course everyone else wants to read what I have to say. Wrong!

I have another factor for my anxiety that has hit an all time high, confusion.

Yes, I have become extremely confused by the behavior of other people, the way they respond to my status updates and the fact that family members seem to care less about anything going on with my family. Those things confuse me. I would go into detail about family members but it is really pointless, I may sound like a complete fool so I will just say that their actions, non-responses, constant self centeredness, and lack of caring leave me hurt and confused. This brings about anxiety because I begin to go over in my head what I could have done wrong.

What in the world did I do to them?

Why, do they ignore my emails, my comments on their page, my pictures and the goings on in our life? Then I come full circle and remember it has always been this way and that is one of the reasons I had nothing to do with them for so long. After I go through everything and I am very sure there is absolutely nothing that I did wrong, I get angry. I came to the conclusion almost two weeks ago that I needed to do a personal intervention and detox from facebook. I find it very appropriate timing with the devastation in Haiti, I would most likely be offended at posts that may be incredibly shallow or if they said something like God allowed this for such and such reason, those things really get me angry.

I am feeling very good.

I am finding that I indeed was fixated on facebook, looking at the photos, searching for people who popped in my head, going to people’s pages and seeing what they were up to. I also realized I was doing this to escape. Since the holidays I have been fixated on FB, I believe I was using this to try to stem. I needed something to fixate on because I was having a hard time dealing with Daniel having a hard time. He couldn’t find his peace and I was seeking mine. I do find peace in researching people.

The intelligent people who I respect on FB tend to join really good groups or they put up interesting status updates that I can research.

That is what I found myself doing for the past two months, researching information, people, and anything else I could find to feed my brain the constant information input it needed to stay calm. I wasn’t able to focus on the normal blogs or other sites I frequent for some reason. I am not staying away from FB forever, just until I am in my routine again and able to just go on and not worry about what I write, try to figure out what others mean, or why they would post a photo of themselves doing that for the whole world to see. If I can go back to using it as a helpful resource for me to interact with people comfortably than I think it will be fine.

Is it wrong to de-friend family members? Just curious. :-)

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Lost My Groove

Alright, it is now the third week of January and I am still trying to find my groove. The holidays threw everyone off and school was out the door. I tried several times but it just didn’t work, Daniel was unable to focus and I had to spend a lot of time trying to help him be able to have peace of mind. Ariel and Joshua were a bit chaotic too and all of us together made for a pool of madness at times. The beginning of January I started once again with the school, it has actually been pretty good.

I changed my format and it seems to be working a lot better for all of us.

I have a script so ingrained in my head with school and for some reason I have had such a hard time getting away from it. I continually¬† try do standard school procedures. I don’t know why when they failed me. I did not thrive in that environment, it made me very tense and even angry at times to be confined to a chair. I was not allowed to get up and walk so I would talk, then I would get in trouble, and that would cause me to have to sit on a bench when recess would come. I was unable to get any of my aggression out so the same pattern would happen when we got back into the classroom. I wanted to be on the merry-go-round the whole time, if not that, then the jungle gym, hanging upside down.

As the weeks have progressed I have taken into consideration me, how I am able to teach.

I have spent a great deal of time learning how the kids are able to learn and how they are able to retain, but I needed to add myself into the equation for this to be successful. I decided to change some things like science experiments and or crafts and art activities in the morning to help everyone with sensory input. After that we have lunch and a little bit of free time for all of us because I (we) need to reboot. Then we go back into it with reading, worksheets, music, games or just go to play time. I am trying to keep my mind still so I can do things without feeling overwhelmed or hitting my sensory overload.

I had been doing experiments and activities at the end and it proved to be very hard for me.

I was stressed if we did not get to them, I was stressed because I was dreading all of the sensory activities and how each child was going to respond and then I was stressed because that was around the end of the day and I would have to start to prepare dinner, which is another high sensory thing for me. I do enjoy it but if I am already overloaded it becomes extremely stressful. Me being stressed made everyone stressed and school was no fun.

I am really happy that it has been working better the past couple weeks.

Daniel is once again starting to get involved and actually showing interest. I think a large portion of that is because I have been giving him more sensory input. I really got off track because during the holidays I just did not have it in me. All of the kids have different sensory issues and some are like mine and some are what set mine off. I have found that Ariel seems to be a lot more like myself and Daniel and Joshua have the sensory needs that cause mine to flare. I know that me not being able to stick to my normal routine has caused all of us to get off track and has caused many melt downs, mine included.

The good news is we are getting back on track, that is all I can do and we hopefully will be back to our “normal” routines very soon.¬† I am starting to read a lot more on unschooling too, I think a nice balance of that and structure is what we need.

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