Monthly Archives: January 2010

01/30/10

Who Would Have Thought

Today started off on a very bad note. Joshua woke up way too early, he then woke up Daniel and Daniel came into my bed and woke me up. Ariel got woken up as well from Joshua turning on all of the lights and then the cat was awakened by the loud voice of Joshua saying “HEY, NATHANIEL” as he chased him, needless to say we all got up and the only one who was ready for the day was Joshua. He is a very energetic little fellow and we love him dearly, we just wish that he would sleep a bit longer.

I have already been feeling off for a few days so this didn’t help much.

With the full moon all of us have been very sensitive with all of our sensory issues. I have been exceptionally confused by any social interaction I have had and the kids have been very energetic, more so than usual. Yesterday Daniel started going through his cycle that for some reason I am never prepared for, maybe it is because I am going through my own and I am not able to discern things as well. He started talking in his high-pitched voice that no one can understand, except for me and only after I have asked him a million times “What do you want, I am sorry I can’t understand you. Please show me.”

He is also making noise, very LOUD noise.

Spinning wind up toys, banging doors, clanging plastic toys on tiles and glass, dropping metal on the floor anything and everything he can find. All of those things feel like daggers in my ears and they hurt my head so bad it is like icicles being pushed through my veins into my skull. It hurts, ok, it makes my body cringe and I have a hard time being able to focus. Joshua is very loud anyway, he has no idea that he is so loud and I know it is not me, other people have made comments about it too, not in a bad way, but he is. He talks, moves, plays, sings, everything you name it, he does it loudly. Ariel asks questions non-stop and when she gets very excited she has a high-pitched voice that she uses.

All of these things mixed together during this time is just a lot for me to handle.

They are wonderful kids so don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining I am just describing my environment right now. All three of them have been overly sensitive this week, for instance I was giving them a bath, I used the same exact shampoo I use every time and the water from the bathtub to rinse so I know that it was the perfect temperature because I spent 10 mins. making sure that it was, and Joshua started screaming at the top of his lungs “It burns! It’s burning my head!” and then  he screamed “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, my eyes!” while I rinsed him with the water, which got no where near his eyes because if it does he screams.

All he did was scream, I quickly got him out and held him and was very confused.

Talk about overload, there is still more, I don’t like getting any part of me wet, unless I am in the shower, so when my clothes got wet from that I was having a hard time comforting Joshua, but I did. (Then quickly changed my clothes.) Ariel has been asking questions non-stop and getting very emotional about situations with her brothers. She has had several moments yelling at them to be quiet because they are too loud, as she covers her ears. She has been requesting alone time so she can paint and I have let her.

This week has been just a lot.

I am emotional for some reason, at first I was pretty happy and then I got just blah. Yesterday we spent the day with my mom and it was good but we went to a craft store and then to her house and we were there a lot longer than usual and last night I was just spent. Daniel was bouncing off the walls, he couldn’t go to sleep and I really didn’t want to lay with him because it is so uncomfortable, but I ended up having to, to help him calm down. I have had to most of this week, lay down with him and just hold him.

All of this brings me back to today.

This morning after we all woke up, Daniel out of the blue asks for his light green fan. I had no idea what he is talking about. He claimed that it was in the garage, so I go into the garage and look for it. It wasn’t there, he didn’t believe me, so I took him into the garage to see for himself. After he was satisfied, he claimed it was upstairs. I went upstairs and find nothing but then again I don’t know what I am looking for. I wake up David, I tell him what Daniel is asking for and ask him if he has any idea what it is. He finally realizes that Daniel is wanting a fan that we purchased over the summer. A small hand-held, battery operated fan. I haven’t seen it in months! I look all over the house, everywhere. Daniel was following me and I was feeling the escalation.

I finally tell him that I cannot find it, it is gone.

For quite a while I was the recipient of his wrath. I stayed calm, helped him to his room and let him sit in there for few minutes, for both of us. He wasn’t happy about that but after I got over my overload I went back in and we hugged, he was still upset but I got him interested in his gears so that helped. However, he was not giving up on the fan so I had to go to the store and I prayed the whole way there that they had the “light green fan” because it is a seasonal item. Thank God! It was there, I got a few just in case. I did not want to go to the store because as you can see I was quite overloaded from the chain of events but I had to. I had my list because we needed other things too and I held it tightly as I practically ran through the store so I could hurry up and get home. (David was having his own issues, we decided it was best for me to be the one to go.)

I just want to say how thankful I am for self checkout!

I got home and Daniel was happy. I put everything away as David played with the kids a bit longer before he had to go off to work and I sat at the computer. All I could do was find music to listen to, I just needed that time. I did not have enough time before David went up but he had to get to his work. I gave Ariel an art project, painting by numbers, I gave Joshua some toys and food and Daniel was perfectly happy now that he had his light green fan. I put my head phones on (The position of my desk allows me to see everything so I know it’s ok to have my head phones on.) and I cranked up my music and just let it consume my brain. Then the tears just flowed, I couldn’t stop them, I don’t know why I was crying I just was.

I wasn’t listening to sad music, there was nothing I thought of, the tears just came.

I was overwhelmed with sadness. My mind was filled with questions and wanting to know my purpose. Why is my brain so different? What is wrong with me? Why am I sad? Why can’t I handle these situations? Tears, tears, tears. And many more thoughts and questions flooding my brain. I turned off the music and I got up because I needed to be with my kids. Daniel came running up to me and I just said “Daniel, Mommy is sad”. He looked at me and took his little arm, touched my leg and said “Mommy’s not sad”. I looked at him and said “Yes, I am sad”. Just to reassure him because I was not ready to get out of my sadness.

He looked at me, gave me a hug and said “Mommy’s not sad, Mommy’s happy”.

That was the first time he ever acknowledged feelings and then did something to bring comfort. I was still sad but I was very happy at the same time. The tears came again but for a different reason and Daniel looked at me with concern. I told him “You are right Daniel, Mommy is happy”. I wiped my eyes dry and smiled at him and I asked him if I could have another hug. He gave me a full on hug and he held me for a moment, just squeezing. He then looked at me and said “Daniel is happy”. Out of all this stuff that has been going on and through my meltdown who would have thought Daniel would have a first time moment of recognizing an emotional need and then providing comfort. I am much better now I still feel blah, but I am not sad.

Ariel, my baby girl, had no idea about any of this, she had no idea I was sad because she was quietly painting and to my surprise making me a card that said “Ariel, I (heart) Mommy, I (heart)”.

She brought it to me and said “Here Mom, I made this for ya”. My sweet Joshua had noticed earlier that I had some tears and he brought me some tissue, with a little smile he handed it to me and then went and cleaned up his books for me. My kids are awesome. I so wish that I didn’t have days like this, but then I quickly change my mind because these days are what makes it so worth wild. I know my sensory stuff and their sensory stuff will pass and come again, some days will be better than others but if we didn’t have such intense times we would never have the moments with the unexpected surprises.

I wouldn’t have those days where I say “who would have thought”.

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01/28/10

Pegged Me All Wrong

Several years ago, there was a guy who I deeply cared for. I still wonder about him and hope he is doing well. He opened my eyes to a lot of things and he hurt me. He hurt me to the depths of my soul. Why so deep — I don’t know what I did wrong. He just all of a sudden cut me off from his world and never told me why. I still do not know. I felt we had a great friendship. I felt that we really connected. There were times when I just looked at him and felt that we just got each other, there was no need to speak. Then there were times when I felt derailed, confused, misunderstood, and shut out.

What was this, what were we?

I really do not know, but now I can see a lot of my Asperger’s shining through, in hindsight. I didn’t know how to read the cues. I remember one time he said to me, “You are one of those girls.” and I asked, “What do you mean?” He said “A girl who always has a guy waiting.” I was very hurt, why would he think such a thing? Then I got angry, how dare he say such a thing! It wasn’t true and I told him so. I was fully capable of taking care of myself and I did not need any man to help me! I have taken care of myself my whole life, who was he to say that? I quickly forgave him and moved on, but as you can tell, I still remember the words. I remember that I was driving my car, the place where we were going and the topic of discussion. (Cleaning my cats litter box started it, just saying.)

There are several things that he did to try to fit me into a box. 

I believe one being my Christian point of view. I was not a typical Christian and I still am not. I do not hold the point of view of the masses, though I am finding many more like myself, we do not have the loudest voices. The other folks do — those who make it out to be in a very negative light. There were differences in our beliefs at the time. I was hard-core fixated on… I guess you would call it an evangelical point of view. I know now that I was absorbed in that because I was trying to fit in, and find what was “right” in life. I was constantly studying so of course there would come a time when I would no longer hold such a black-and-white point of view. I actually didn’t then, but it was what my church or the people I associated with represented.

He had taken that view of me.

I was unsure how to deal with my dually mindset between my feelings, and what the church was saying. When he asked me questions, I gave him the script I was given from church. He thought he knew me. He did not. However, he was unwilling to get to know my true views, or stick around to see where my beliefs took me. If only he would have discussed these things with me, he would have realized that all I was saying is that Jesus loves you wherever you are at find your journey. But he did not, though we seemed to share a deep friendship, he was not willing to find out my thoughts or feelings. I do have to thank him.

If it were not for him I would not have stepped back into reality.

Because of him, I really began to question the very scriptures the church used to force me to be “obedient”. I started praying to God and asking for clarity. Then I began to re-read the gospels with a different perspective, seriously what was Jesus about? Well, He was busy running with people who the “church” people would not run around with and I felt the Lord told me I was wrong. I had been isolating myself from non-church goers and that was not being very loving. Even though I did love people, I was not being loving. I was not accepting them where they were at — because that was the script, I was given.

My script was changing.

I was now released from a bondage that had me for several years. It was a bondage that fits right into my AS, it gave me right and wrong, and it told me that since I did not hold a degree in the area of say, Biblical Foundations, I was completely unqualified to question or doubt anything a leader who did hold some sort of degree. Well that seems about right? (Though that didn’t last long and I have been in a little bit of trouble for questioning authority, I never try to defy authority, I just seem to state the obvious too often.)

It obviously took a while for me to get my mind back.

It also took some time to come to terms with the grey areas. I still struggle with this deeply. I remember one day my friend had asked me if I had ever seen the movie “The Big Kahuna” well of course I had not because I had stopped watching R-rated movies for several years. When things started changing in my thoughts, my heart, and my eyes were opening, that was one of the first movies I watched. As I watched the movie, I cried, I felt sick, I was changed, and I knew and know today, I NEVER want to have an agenda. Great clip from the movie, I got it! The Big Kahuna Clip

I hope he was not implying that I was not honest!

I do not think that is what he meant, but I know that I do not want to be known for marketing Jesus. I never meant to do that, all I have ever hoped was that I was loving people the way Jesus expressed it. I have this longing for people to know that they are loved, they are worth something, they do have purpose, and they are not alone. I guess it could be because that is what I have longed for all my life. I found that through my beliefs, not because I am weak but because it made sense to me. It helped me feel ok for not fitting in, I found that God created me to be different, though that is said throughout church they do not really mean it, but God does. I am free because of my beliefs, if I didn’t have these beliefs I would have never questioned them. If I just went about thinking I had the answers, I would not have gained all of the great information and new found fixations I have now. :-)

Sorry I went off track, what am I trying to say?

He did what every other person has done to me; he made an image of me and kept me there. I was no longer a person, but an object. I wish he would have talked to me a bit more. I wish he would have hung in there a bit longer, but he didn’t and so I had to do something to get him out of my life, um…out of my mind. (It is pretty clear that he has never left my mind.) He had already cut me off — I was the one that kept trying to contact him. In order to help myself I wrote him an email and said what I felt God said at the time, and I never spoke to him again. To be sure that I never heard from him again, I never checked that email account, and I gave the computer away erasing everything that had any reminiscence of him on it. I needed closure, though I did not get it and I have been fixated on him throughout the years. Not a weird obsession, but wondering about him, wanting to write him, wanting to know why he would no longer have anything to do with me, but I never did. In reality when I felt cut off I went straight back to the church mindset. It was the first time I allowed someone into my heart with no walls, and I got rejected. I questioned everything, including myself. I shut myself up all of these years — hoping to never get hurt again.

He made such a huge impact on my life that I just wanted to tell him somehow.

So I wrote this for me and for him. I believe because of my need for answers, the feeling that he cut me off all of the sudden, and that he was evasive caused me to loop about this for years. I feel that the confusion has left me in a constant circle where I can find my peace about it, but then in my brain cycle, the whole thing comes back up again and I cannot let it go. It doesn’t make sense, everything seemed very sudden, random, and there was no communication. Why? I may never know, but at least I can go back to this and remind myself that indeed I may never know. I thank him for letting me experience great joy that I have never experienced in the same way, and for opening my heart and eyes in many areas. I confess it is still very painful at times, but still I am filled with such happiness when I think of him.

The place that we worked at was one of the best places I ever worked.

I met a great bunch of people, I learned so much from all of the people there. They helped mold me into where I am at now. Every person that has come across in my life has meant something to me, they have taught me, whether good or bad, or showing me love or hate. They made an impact and helped to open my eyes a little bit more every time. My mind is different, I am affected in different ways than other people, just like any Apsie can attest to, and I do not understand the world in the same way. I can feel so incredibly naive at times. Sometimes I feel like I have so much information that I am going to explode. Information is not the same as knowing, some things I know better than others. Some things I just have more information. Some things I am completely clueless until someone brings it to my attention.

This happens to be one of those moments, I am completely clueless.

This friend of mine reminded me of how much I love all kinds of music. How I love movies and the impact they have on me, which led me back into art and how much it makes me feel alive, leading me into dance once again and cultivating the passion I have for writing. Granted he did not single-handedly do this, there were many impacts from people and God revealing to me His presence in everything. My husband who has taken the time to build into to me and help me find myself and of course my children, just to name a few. Although thanks to this long-lost friend, my life changed and went down a course I never imagined because I had limited my imagination.

Thank you my dear friend, ok, bye.

April 2012: After editing this with a new mindset, I see how much I had trapped myself. I convinced myself that I was free in my thinking, but I was not. When I wrote this I was still hardly listening to secular music, I barely watched any R-rated movies once again, I wouldn’t write what I was truly feeling. In this post I only wrote partial truths, I could not confess the reality. I believe that in some way I was speaking to myself prophetically to come out. Revealing in writing who I really was, but still hiding all of the true aspects of me. I did not want to face myself, or the fact that I had tied down the person I really am. The fear of being rejected for being me was too much, but I desperately wanted to come out. Out of my brokenness and allowing myself to feel once again, I have been dramatically changed. It hurts beyond words to love someone who does not return your affections, but it also forces you to deal with why you are seeking to be loved in the first place. My friend continues to soar in my heart pure joy and terrible sadness.

A mighty pain to love it is,
And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.

~ Abraham Cowley

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. ~ Anonymous

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01/28/10

Daniel “Green’s Mine”

Lately Daniel has been claiming the color green. I have been wondering why he would claim a color. He has always been partial to green, when he was little I noticed that he stayed more calm when I put him in hunter green or slightly lighter shades of hunter green. I also noticed when I put him in red he would be more aggressive than usual. The first time I noticed this was one day when he was about two yrs old he was having a rough day, I ended up having to change his clothes, he was wearing red and I changed him into something green. I thought maybe he had just snapped out of it or something.

However, I noticed the change and I decided to test it out.

Sure enough every time he was in red he was more aggressive and just seemed unhappy so I would put him in green or a dark blue and he would have a shift in his mood. I decided to only put him in deeper colors like burgundy, hunter green, and dark blues. He seems to be ok in light blues and mustard colors as well but not bright greens or yellows. He gets very hyper in those colors. It is very interesting. I did a little research on the subject and found that indeed colors can effect our moods, the clothing we wear can make a difference. I have always had issues with wearing very bright colors or certain patterns. I can feel them, it’s like they are attacking my skin or something. I wore black most of my teenage life. I was depressed but I wonder how much of it had to do with me trying to control my emotions, who knows.

The other day we were in the car and in the back Daniel yells out of the blue “green’s mine!”.

I turned around and said “what?” again Daniel shouted in a very jolly happy tone “green’s mine!”. He started laughing and he thought it was very funny, as we were all laughing he then shouted while giggling “Joshua is blue!”. Hmmm….this got me thinking and then he went on “Ariel is red!”. Ok, of course I had to ask “what color is Mommy?’. He said “red”, “Daddy is light-blue” and “Grammy is green like Daniel”.  I asked him all of the family members I could think of that he knew and he started labeling the girls red and the boys blue so I thought this is strange I wonder if it is just a girl/boy thing but what is up with the green?

I decided to ask him about his Sunday school teacher he had that day and he said that she was yellow and the other one, who was a guy was red and blue.

Interesting, I have no idea what he is measuring or what it is about. I know I have seen colors around people and people say that is an aura, sure I can see that but I wonder what it is really about. David said it could be Daniel measuring the degrees of Asperger’s he sees in a person since he and my mother have many of the same characteristics, David and Joshua have similar traits and Ariel and I show similar traits. But that doesn’t really explain the other people who share the same colors who show no signs what so ever. It still is an interesting concept. It could be that he really likes green, Grammy likes green even though she doesn’t express her likeness for it but he just knows, Ariel and I both like red and Joshua’s favorite color has been blue since the day he was born.

Joshua has grabbed everything blue and claimed it for his, even as an infant.

Daniel could be claiming green like Joshua has claimed blue, we do tend to get Ariel red things, Daniel green and Joshua blue. It could be nothing more than that or he could see people in color. I do that and I have always steered clear of people who seem to have a blackness around them it makes me uncomfortable, I have noticed that those same people Daniel does not want to be around either. Although that could be the vibe that I am giving off and he feels it. Anyway maybe we will find out as he gets older, maybe not but as for now Daniel has dibs on green, just so everyone knows.

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01/28/10

Sense of Urgency

There are some days where I feel I must, I MUST, write down all that is going through my mind and I MUST, get it up on my blog for everyone to read. The invisible persons out there who may or may not be reading my blog have got to know all the goings on in my mind. They NEED this information, if I do not get it up then, then…what?

What exactly is going to happen?

I don’t know. I am having one of those days. I have written several posts, they are waiting in my que, all of them are over 500 words, most of them are close to over 1500 words. The other day I wrote one over 4000 words, in an hour. I have not posted them yet because I want to go over them and re-read what I have written. My mind has been in a frenzy, information pouring out, stories of how I feel, what I find interesting, and what is important to me.  All of this MUST be shared and given freely to the world for them to know, understand, hear me, feel me, get what my world is like, find out what I am all about.

I then feel like I am a narcissist.

Who am I to think anyone reads my blog or is even interested in what I have to say or how I feel for that matter. I quickly come back to my senses and remember that the main reason I am writing this, is for me. It’s my therapy, to share what I am feeling, what I am going through, how I felt during a certain situation, what was going on with our family, the changes that Daniel has made and other reasons that will benefit us in the future. I do have this thing inside of me that wants so much for my writings to be helpful, to let others know that they are not alone, for me to think of my issues, write them and then be inspired to check out other AS blogs and writings so that I know I am not alone.

I guess that the main thing is, when I write I become me.

As I write the words are in my mind, I hear a voice and it is connected to my hands. When I have a thought, a poem or a story come to mind and I feel that I just HAVE to get it out, I do. I do have to get it out, it is the only time that I actually feel connected to my body. The only time I feel whole. All other times I feel awkward, my hands feel a million miles away and they seem to be doing their own thing. My arms have always felt as if they were doll parts that could be popped off and at night while in bed, as a child and even at times now, I would have visions of popping my arms off so I could finally lay comfortably and go to sleep. Just yesterday I noticed how I was getting overloaded with sound, my children were just playing and asking me for things but I couldn’t take it, my head was just shaking back and forth. It just did it, I wasn’t thinking “stop it”, I was just shaking my head and then I would notice and try to stop but it would do it again. Yes, I had to put my hands over my ears for a little while.

The kids were not doing anything wrong it just seemed to be a lot louder and more traumatic than usual for me.

As I am writing this I am realizing that when I have that intensity and I am overloaded that is when I tend to jump on the “urgency train”. Am I escaping? Well I guess I am, especially if when I am writing, that is the only time I feel in control and like myself. It must be my stim and I didn’t realize it. Duh! Maybe I did I can’t remember, all I know is that I am starting to feel much better and my hands are doing exactly what my brain is telling them to do without great effort and I am not stumbling around. Maybe there is something to this sense of urgency thing, maybe it is the way my brain tells me to get back to my “normal”. Just maybe. :-)

I still wonder why I feel it is so important for me to share with others.

Everything I find, all new information, any details I may have left out or suddenly noticed, I cannot rest until I get it out there or share it with another person. During times like this when David is swamped with work and I am unable to share all of my thoughts I tend to feel a sense of urgency also. Is this an AS thing? Do other Aspie’s do this? I am going to research this, my mind will not stop. I have been stuck on another subject and it has made me a little paranoid, I have been reading about narcissism lately. Maybe that has triggered something, I don’t know what, but maybe something. My mind is stirring with questions and seeking out information, I can’t stop.

I am terribly afraid that I am a narcissist, David swears I am not but his exact words were “trying to figure out if you are a narcissist, is being a narcissist”. :-) So I stopped.

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01/26/10

Tears

Slowly, one drop rolling from my eyes.
Feeling the pain from deep inside,
Sitting, longing for a home,
acceptance is not what I have known.

Watch the people pass me by,
they never knew me, didn’t even try.
Lifting body out of reach,
I escaped into silence,
I am sitting on the beach.

Quiet, hush of wind goes by,
roaring waves crash, I sigh.
Alone and peaceful so tranquil,
lifted up, my soul flew there,
starting to laugh very loud, only I know why.

Seas of people invade my space,
still I am lonely, no connection with the human race.
Longing, wanting, needing, a friend,
still no one answers, I’m fading again.

We sit next to each other every week,
still no connection from which you speak.
Dancing lights, whispers sounds,
aching heart, I am still not found.

Tears they fall but are never seen,
sometimes I think this is all a dream.
When I awake, I will be at home,
I found my place, I no longer roam.

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01/25/10

Devastation and Suffering‏

I know that people are effected differently by disasters and sufferings, I am one of those people who has to shut down a bit in order to function when something like the earthquake in Haiti happens. When things like that happen, I feel it deep in my soul. I get very confused by other people’s reactions and they tend to make me very upset, especially when they seem to respond lightly to a situation.

I don’t know if I am going to be able to explain this very well but I will try.

There are many things that happen on a daily basis that are just horrible, sex trafficking, child abuse, people being abused by their partners, natural disasters, war, starvation, the injustice of orphans not being taken care of or left for dead, I could go on but I do need to stop because I can feel my eyes welling up with tears right now. It makes me so upset and I just want to do everything I can to help every single suffering person in the world. I do not have a savior complex, I genuinely want to help and I try to, it is wrong and that upsets me. If someone crosses my path and needs something I give it to them if I have it, if not I try to find it. There is something inside of me, that says that is the right thing to do and I must do it. I feel if I have something to give then it must be given. Now I do not give everything away, obviously we live in a comfortable home and surroundings.

That is the point, we have all we need and we see no reason to live in excess.

I need to get back to my point, when something like the Haiti earthquakes happen I am consumed with cries, images of people suffering, children starving, people losing loved ones on and on and I have not read the news, I try to stay away from the stories because it makes me immobile. For instance, when the 9/11 attacks happened I found out when I arrived at work that morning, I went back to my desk and just started praying. I heard people screaming, I saw people stuck under debris, I felt people in despair wondering if their loved ones were still alive, this was all in my mind, I had not actually seen the visuals anywhere. Maybe the images are all derived from past movies or experiences. I don’t know but I see them and feel them. I felt the fear of people not knowing what was going on.

I didn’t feel it for myself, I felt it for others.

I was fine, I was at peace, but my soul hurt for those suffering. I could do nothing but pray and once again I find myself in the same position. The happenings of the damns breaking after hurricane Katrina, the tsunami, the disappearances of children in our local area, it all hits me and I have to keep myself away from media. I can no longer go into a constant state of prayer or give the time and resources like I did before, now I have a family and my focus has to be on them. I am trying to find the ways I am able to help and still be functional and here for my family. During the times that I was single I could devote everything to causes and make a small difference. It did not take away the intense pain or emotion I felt for people in need but at least I was doing something.

Now it is different and I am trying to find my balance.

I am also learning how to teach my kids to be aware of the suffering in the world and how we as a family can help. I am not being too pushy because they are young, but I am able to teach them how to give their toys, clothes, time, and most importantly just be aware that the world is not really just our house and there are so many different people, places and things out there to take notice of.  I know I am a bit over the top with my emotions when it comes to suffering but there is nothing I can do. I feel it, it goes deep into my bones and overwhelms me.

I tend to get very upset when people seem to forget or act as if it is no big deal.

I remember the day of 9/11 (I am using 9/11 because that was the last time that I was really surrounded by people during a devastation) a co-worker came up to me and said “I am supposed to go on vacation next week, they better not cancel the flights.” I sat there in shock, my heart was burning and my stomach was in a knot. We just witnessed two planes crash into the two towers filled with thousands of people, all that went through my head was what they were going through, what their families were feeling and she was talking about her vacation? I had to walk away and shake off the anger I was feeling, I had to think to myself surely this is how she was handling the stress and fear of this tragedy, she just HAD to be doing that.

I share that because that is one of the reasons for my facebook detox.

I cannot handle reading things like that or people pouring over their lives of work and getting their Starbucks and saying things about getting through to Friday so they can party their way into an oblivion. I know I am harsh but it frustrates me, I know there will always be suffering and devastations such as war and natural disasters but I also know when I need to stay away from people so I don’t get incredibly angry while my heart is praying to God above to fix the injustices in this world.

I am putting up several links that we give to or feel that are good resources to helping those in need.

These are just a few we have given to on a regular basis and others we have given as we are able. There are so many organizations out there whatever we can do to make a small difference, it does make an impact. I did not put up environmental sites but several of the ones I have listed also do things for the environment. I encourage you to research and see where you would like to help, what is it that moves your heart search for it and find the best place  for you to make a difference through the means that you feel best suits you. The charityguide gives a great resource of what you can do now at home to make small changes in your everyday life, it also gives ways to get your children involved. I encourage you to not let the things of daily life cause you to forget our world and also stay balanced in your focus. I am working on that one still. :-) Are there any resources or links you would like to share please leave them in the comments. I am always searching for new ways to give back or try to help others.

For Haiti I found these links, we do give to World Vision and have given to Compassion in the past, but the others I thought were good resources and may be ones you would like to check out.

https://www.compassion.com/contribution/giving/disasterrelief.htm?referer=105910

http://www.worldvision.org/worldvision/eappeal.nsf/egift-haiti-earthquake-relief?Open

–To donate $10 to the American Red Cross, text “Haiti” to 90999. The amount will be added to your next phone bill.  The organization is also accepting donations through its International Response Fund: www.redcross.org

– United Nations World Food Program: www.wfp.org

– International Rescue Committee: www.theIRC.org or call toll free: (877) 733-8433

– Doctors Without Borders: www.doctorswithoutborders.org

– Oxfam: www.oxfam.org.uk

– The fundraising drive of former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton: www.clintonbushhaitifund.org

Sex Trafficking and others

http://www.polarisproject.org/component/option,com_frontpage/Itemid,1/

http://www.worldvision.org/content.nsf/learn/globalissues-stp

http://www.ipjc.org/links/trafficking.htm

http://www.kiva.org/

http://www.charityguide.org/index.htm

http://www.charityguide.org/volunteer/animal-protection.htm

http://www.charityguide.org/volunteer/poverty.htm

https://secure.humanesociety.org/site/Donation2?idb=1975065172&df_id=1387&1387.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=go2y27k5d3.app305a

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3

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01/21/10

Face Book Detox!

It has been over a year that I have been on facebook. I enjoyed being part of a virtual world with people from my past and seeing what they are up to now. I enjoyed being connected with family and current friends. I enjoyed seeing pictures and sharing mine. I was a bit apprehensive in confirming friends with certain people but I went ahead, second guessing my gut feeling. I have limited my friends and purposefully not requested to be friends with a large amount of people from my past even though I have looked them up to see if they were on facebook. There are several reasons for me not requesting friend status with these people and even blocking a few.

I will make a short list so I can try to stay focused, direct and try to limit myself from getting into side stories.

1. I do not know how they are going to respond to my friend request.

2. I am not sure I really want them to know anything about me.

3. They have confused me, hurt me, caused me a great deal of stress and caused me to question myself in the past.

4. I don’t really think that we are friends.

5. If they did confirm, I really wouldn’t know why.  Were we ever really friends?

6. I use Face Book as a means to have virtual relationships with people to make me more comfortable.

Those are some of the reasons I have come up.

I have those issues and now what has happened is my anxiety level has risen with facebook. In the last few months I have become obsessive about checking everyone’s status. I have started thinking in terms of “I can post that on facebook”. My life turned into a constant thinking process of FB status updates. Whatever I learned, felt, saw, did, what the kids were doing, what David was doing and what the cat was doing started to become status updates in my head and I felt I had to post them because of course everyone else wants to read what I have to say. Wrong!

I have another factor for my anxiety that has hit an all time high, confusion.

Yes, I have become extremely confused by the behavior of other people, the way they respond to my status updates and the fact that family members seem to care less about anything going on with my family. Those things confuse me. I would go into detail about family members but it is really pointless, I may sound like a complete fool so I will just say that their actions, non-responses, constant self centeredness, and lack of caring leave me hurt and confused. This brings about anxiety because I begin to go over in my head what I could have done wrong.

What in the world did I do to them?

Why, do they ignore my emails, my comments on their page, my pictures and the goings on in our life? Then I come full circle and remember it has always been this way and that is one of the reasons I had nothing to do with them for so long. After I go through everything and I am very sure there is absolutely nothing that I did wrong, I get angry. I came to the conclusion almost two weeks ago that I needed to do a personal intervention and detox from facebook. I find it very appropriate timing with the devastation in Haiti, I would most likely be offended at posts that may be incredibly shallow or if they said something like God allowed this for such and such reason, those things really get me angry.

I am feeling very good.

I am finding that I indeed was fixated on facebook, looking at the photos, searching for people who popped in my head, going to people’s pages and seeing what they were up to. I also realized I was doing this to escape. Since the holidays I have been fixated on FB, I believe I was using this to try to stem. I needed something to fixate on because I was having a hard time dealing with Daniel having a hard time. He couldn’t find his peace and I was seeking mine. I do find peace in researching people.

The intelligent people who I respect on FB tend to join really good groups or they put up interesting status updates that I can research.

That is what I found myself doing for the past two months, researching information, people, and anything else I could find to feed my brain the constant information input it needed to stay calm. I wasn’t able to focus on the normal blogs or other sites I frequent for some reason. I am not staying away from FB forever, just until I am in my routine again and able to just go on and not worry about what I write, try to figure out what others mean, or why they would post a photo of themselves doing that for the whole world to see. If I can go back to using it as a helpful resource for me to interact with people comfortably than I think it will be fine.

Is it wrong to de-friend family members? Just curious. :-)

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01/21/10

Lost My Groove

Alright, it is now the third week of January and I am still trying to find my groove. The holidays threw everyone off and school was out the door. I tried several times but it just didn’t work, Daniel was unable to focus and I had to spend a lot of time trying to help him be able to have peace of mind. Ariel and Joshua were a bit chaotic too and all of us together made for a pool of madness at times. The beginning of January I started once again with the school, it has actually been pretty good.

I changed my format and it seems to be working a lot better for all of us.

I have a script so ingrained in my head with school and for some reason I have had such a hard time getting away from it. I continually  try do standard school procedures. I don’t know why when they failed me. I did not thrive in that environment, it made me very tense and even angry at times to be confined to a chair. I was not allowed to get up and walk so I would talk, then I would get in trouble, and that would cause me to have to sit on a bench when recess would come. I was unable to get any of my aggression out so the same pattern would happen when we got back into the classroom. I wanted to be on the merry-go-round the whole time, if not that, then the jungle gym, hanging upside down.

As the weeks have progressed I have taken into consideration me, how I am able to teach.

I have spent a great deal of time learning how the kids are able to learn and how they are able to retain, but I needed to add myself into the equation for this to be successful. I decided to change some things like science experiments and or crafts and art activities in the morning to help everyone with sensory input. After that we have lunch and a little bit of free time for all of us because I (we) need to reboot. Then we go back into it with reading, worksheets, music, games or just go to play time. I am trying to keep my mind still so I can do things without feeling overwhelmed or hitting my sensory overload.

I had been doing experiments and activities at the end and it proved to be very hard for me.

I was stressed if we did not get to them, I was stressed because I was dreading all of the sensory activities and how each child was going to respond and then I was stressed because that was around the end of the day and I would have to start to prepare dinner, which is another high sensory thing for me. I do enjoy it but if I am already overloaded it becomes extremely stressful. Me being stressed made everyone stressed and school was no fun.

I am really happy that it has been working better the past couple weeks.

Daniel is once again starting to get involved and actually showing interest. I think a large portion of that is because I have been giving him more sensory input. I really got off track because during the holidays I just did not have it in me. All of the kids have different sensory issues and some are like mine and some are what set mine off. I have found that Ariel seems to be a lot more like myself and Daniel and Joshua have the sensory needs that cause mine to flare. I know that me not being able to stick to my normal routine has caused all of us to get off track and has caused many melt downs, mine included.

The good news is we are getting back on track, that is all I can do and we hopefully will be back to our “normal” routines very soon.  I am starting to read a lot more on unschooling too, I think a nice balance of that and structure is what we need.

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01/15/10

So What Am I Good At?

I have written about some of the things I can’t do so on this one I thought maybe I should write some things that I am good at. True I am not the type who is good with her hands or creative with materials, but I can come up with ideas for crafts or suggestions of paintings for my mom. I see visions of paintings and I describe them to her, I see the colors and it seems to come alive. The great thing is that my mom can see it too and has been able to paint them on occasion. I see craft ideas for the kids but I don’t know how to implement them so once again I go to my mom for help and she is able to tell me what I need and the best way to do it. We are a pretty good team.

I have always seen in pictures, I have vibrant, detailed, and intriguing dreams.

I write stories, I see them play out like a movie in my head and there are tiny details that give the story a bit more intrigue. I have had dreams that have come alive in stories that I write. I haven’t really shared a lot of my stories though. Some of them I get to a certain point and I am just unable to finish. The reason for me not finishing them is that I get engrossed, I go into that world and it is hard for me to come out into my real world. I feel that is an injustice to my kids, I need to be focused on them right now, as they get older I will have more freedom to write. I get enough down so when I go back and re-read them I can step right back into that world and write away.

The computer has been my hand saver.

My whole life I have written, I have written poems, songs, stories, prayers and journals. I have notebooks full of my writings, tons of them. Though I would write often it came with a price because my hands would hurt so bad. When I get in a writing mode I can’t stop and I wouldn’t really notice the pain until after I was finished. So now having a computer to be able to type has been great. I can type away and have no problems. I requested a computer when I was about 10 yrs old and to my surprise my mother did get it for me. It was a Texas Instrument but my main use for it was writing. I did enjoy figuring out the computer and playing some of the games but most of the time you could find me writing on it.

I wrote stories and journals on my computer.

My computer understood me and it stayed with me for a long time until I upgraded to a new nicer PC. However the PC belonged to my mom so when I moved out at 18 yrs old I couldn’t take it with me so I had to turn to the good old pen and paper. The computer, that brings me to another thing I am really good at, research. I love to study and research. I really enjoy reading other peoples books or blogs about things I have never heard of before and gaining new information that I can share with the world. I say world because anything I learn I tend to tell everyone I know about all of this new found info and expect them to be as excited and interested in it as myself. I have found that is not the case.

Except for David, he is always interested in my new findings just as I am in his new findings.

I have a great love for music, all kinds of music. Music is something that wraps around me, it spreads into my very being, it feeds something in my brain that has the ability to bring me peace and comfort. I can find this feeling in almost any music, there are certain types that I cannot listen to, if the music has no real depth, it seems to be violent or shallow I really can’t get into that and it will even make me angry. I find that a great waste of talent in some people and I find music to be something we should respect just like any art. If I feel like it is not respecting the art of music it upsets me. I don’t really know how to explain that so I hope that makes sense.

One reason why I love music so much is because I am a dancer.

Music just flows through my body and I dance. Dancing makes me so happy, it is a joy that has no words. Dancing has helped me throughout my whole life. I feel that dancing is like telling a story with your body so I guess that is why it fits me. I write and I dance I tell a story with my mind and I tell a story through movement of body. I am not a professional by any means but I have studied on my own, the movements of the body. As a child I did want to be a ballerina but not for the same reasons as other little girls, I wanted to so I could learn how to express my story in another way. I am probably not the only one who feels that way but when I was in class with the little girls who were  not taking it as seriously as I was, that was the conclusion I came to.

Unfortunately, my mother being a single mother was not able to continue my classes because of lack of funds and she didn’t think it was a big deal.

She did not understand what it meant to me, if I would have been able to explain to her that dancing for me, was like art to her, I think she would have gotten it. My dream stopped there but I have kept on dancing and I am moved to tears to watch people dance when they are telling a story.  I encourage my children to dance, sing, write, tell stories, and listen to music. I write a lot of poetry and that seems to be another avenue in which I feel I can express myself and my stories. I love poetry, as I read it I see in my mind a dance play out or a story. I feel the words,  they jump into me and I feel alive. When I am able to write a poem that flows like a song and dance to me revealing my feelings, I am completely satisfied, I am in a place of perfect peace and contentment. I feel like I am good at these things because they come naturally. I feel like they are a part of me being shared with others and it feels as though some of me is gone.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, it is good. I am sharing me despite my whole life being told not to, I still am and it feels scary but good and satisfying.

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01/15/10

Arts & Crafts and the Such

Most children love the arts & crafts time, I remember in grade school, on art day everyone was so happy and excited. I was not, I actually dreaded those days. I did enjoy music day and really got into music class, too much sometimes. On the subject of using any kind of substance that may get on my hands or having to cut things, that makes me uptight and a bit uneasy. My mother is an artist, she paints amazing paintings, she can decorate anything, crafts just flow out of her with ease, she is a seamstress also, and she crochets among a few of her talents.

That was a bit frustrating for me growing up and not to mention having to do these types of things.

I think it is incredible, I love to watch, I do enjoy the outcome of the end master piece but everyone else can do it, not me. I find it to be very stressful, I am not good at it so why would I continue to force myself to try something that just doesn’t flow out of me easily? One time as a teenager my mother was trying to get me to find a hobby, everything she mentioned was of no interest but finally I caved and agreed to make myself a dress. It was the most simple dress you can image, my mother could make it in less than an hour, complete, ironed and everything. It took me something like two weeks I believe.

I did not find it fun in the least bit and I felt like such a failure.

Why couldn’t I do what other girls and women seemed so good at? Why was I unable to flow in the artsy stuff? Why didn’t like doing it? Why did it stress me out and even at times make me cry in frustration? My average grade in art class was a C, I passed through on a thread each year and my teacher couldn’t stand me, I was lucky enough to have her my entire grade school career. I did get an A- once, I made a coil art piece with yarn. We had the choice of making a bowl or something flat, I made a big coiled circle with beige and dark green yarn. I loved it, come to think of it I was making a spinning object and was wrapping the yarn around the coil, I find that soothing. No wonder I enjoyed it and got an A-.

It was something like this.

Now that I have children and home school I have to force myself to do the Arts & Crafts thing.

Ariel loves it, Joshua gets into it for a while, but he is only 3 yrs old so I don’t expect to keep his interest too long, Daniel about 98% of the time wants nothing to do with any of it, I can relate. I do enjoy spending time with my children while doing these things but I seem to rush through to get the end result as quickly as possible. I then find myself hurrying to clean up the mess because it is making me nervous, some days are better than others I can keep myself calm long enough for them to enjoy themselves, however I have to take a break afterward to get myself back in a peaceful state.

I have valid reasons for not liking to do these and I believe they are similar to Daniel’s reason.

Anything to do with cutting, coloring, painting, tearing, writing, stapling and many other things hurt my hands. I have always held my writing instruments the wrong way and I tend to hold them very tight, if I write a lot I get a callous on my ring finger. I already have a permanent one but it gets worse and hurts if I write too much or color. I do not like the feel of color crayons on paper, I have a personal hate of chalk because the thought of it hurts my body, scissors have always been awkward for me to hold and even now I have to use children scissors that are very loose so they flow easily.There are many other issues I could explain but I think you get the picture.

I know it is very important to help my children learn their motor skills and embrace different avenues of creativity.

Since I know how important it is I look for instruments that are made  specifically for Daniel’s needs and press through my own issues with the sounds, feels, smells etc.. Instead of forcing them to do something, like I was forced, if they show no interest in a craft we don’t do it. I take their cues, what interests them? Ariel loves to paint and color and I just let her do it, she makes pictures and draws stories all the time. Because of the freedom I give her she has taken up cutting out her pictures and taping them all around the house, all on her own. She creates things out of paper, different objects and she makes sculptures by tearing paper and glueing them. She does a lot more but I wanted to name a few.

Joshua is a builder.

He loves to stack and build things so I use his gift in the craft area, he also loves to eat so we make food creations and he really enjoys that. Daniel needs, and I am serious, needs to know how things work. If we explain to him how things work then he has interest, so when I explained how the scissors worked and what they do he finally picked them up at Christmas and said “I want to wrap presents”. He began to cut after almost two years of trying to get him to even pick them up. I ask him to draw me circles and once we do that for a while he is willing to try other shapes and sometimes he will do his name for me. He is really into music like me and we both are able to learn a song the first time we hear it and a lot of times we know the words before they sing them, so I am thinking of ways to have that help us with arts & crafts. Any ideas?

I have this feeling inside me that wants the kids to hurry up and get over this stage so they can do it all themselves but I don’t mean that and I know that I need to help them learn these skills. I am trying to have fun with it…trying.

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