I am so incredibly happy these days, the problem is that I do not know how to express it or what it means. I have spent so much of my life feeling a pain in my heart, an ache that could not be healed that is the only thing I know. I used to turn to people, drinking, a make shift drug mix to keep me going on an energy boost, and then cleaned up and used God as my drug of choice. Now that I am no longer abusing, I really don’t know how to be me.

I guess that is what all of this is about.

My whole life I spent in confusion because of not fitting in, not understanding people and this world. Now that I have clarity about myself and see how I used so many things to try to escape or be able to cope I am kind of lost. I did start to take on my children as my identity, especially when Daniel was starting to get evaluations. I took on the heroic mother role but then as I started researching and learning about Daniel I was hit in the face and looking straight in the mirror.

I couldn’t escape — it was like God gave me a choice and said, “Do you really want to know the truth?”

I could easily escape and continue on the route of being heroic and deny who I was or I could embrace this new found information and finally understand who I was. I had to know the truth. I had to have answers. I had spent so long in such turmoil that I didn’t care how much pain it may bring me — I had to know. Most of all I had to be the mother who was going to love her son no matter what and if that took me facing myself, so be it.

Now here I am and feeling like I am in a peaceful limbo.

I used to do many things to try to medicate my pain. I would throw myself into work. I would throw myself into relationships. I would throw myself into books, music, drinking, clubbing, and also church, not at the same time. Anything to try to fill that place in me that felt, “if only I do this then I will be fine.” Nothing ever worked and I was still confused and hurt. When I became a Believer that left for a while, but just like any drug it slowly was not enough.

I had encountered the real God before I walked into church.

When I got to church they told me I was wrong and gave the image that closely resembled every church leader but not God. Now that I am pretty comfortable with my doubts and questioning God I feel much more at peace. He is perfectly fine with us questioning and challenging what we believe. In fact I would venture to say He would rather us do so. All of the stories shared in the Bible are about people who went against the grain and some even challenged God. Huh, you don’t say.

A lot of my peace has come from understanding Asperger’s and grasping the truth that it is good to challenge things.

Here I am trying to find how to express my joy that God is actually ok with me wrestling with who and what people say He is. I am not crazy after all these years of feeling like I was insane — I finally know that I am not. I just think differently than most people and that is a good thing. I have finally found out who I am but now I am in the process of understanding what that means. Even though this may sound like an unstable place I am more stable than I have ever been and I am excited to see how I turn out. We all know it will be a lifetime process but now I am not fighting against myself and now I can help my son find himself and love himself a lot sooner.

One of my life long prayers has been for Him to heal my mind, He did more than heal me, He gave me the answers that revealed that I didn’t need healing at all. I am who He fully intended me to be.

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This is the second half of my Christmas issue. I did have a long elaborated version but as I read it, I realized that it seemed very negative and kind of attacking of Christians and I really don’t mean to do that.

I do have issues with the rant that people go on claiming that Christmas is all about Jesus, however it seems that their life is not truly reflecting the spirit of Christ. I really have a problem with people demanding that everyone say “Merry Christmas” when they do not celebrate Christmas. There are other beliefs in the world and in the U.S. we are supposed be the melting pot of all cultures and beliefs. We are supposed to be a country that defends the freedom of others, so my question is, why would I demand anyone to celebrate the way I celebrate a holiday?

When one does their research they would see that this time of year is not actually when Jesus was born.

I have a real problem with people stating that Jesus was born at Christmastime and then demanding that this whole holiday season stems from an accurate Biblical account. I have a problem with people making it a religious issue when back in the day the Christians were just trying to make a new holiday to counteract the pagan celebration.

If you are a Christian then why aren’t you celebrating all year-round? I share the story of Jesus birth all year-round and emphasize  the importance of what we believe about God coming to dwell among us. The importance of that story to our family is that God cared so much to give us Jesus as a person to show us that He was not a cruel unloving God, but that He actually cared.

The Laws were too demanding and caused those who fulfilled them, at least outwardly, to be self-righteous.

The heart of the story of Jesus birth, is God is not far away but close, here, moving in us and through us. It isn’t about a name – Jesus wasn’t even his Jewish name – it’s about understanding that God does not forget about those in poverty, those who are orphaned, or widowed. The story of God sending an angel to a virgin makes me think that God sees the significance in everyone. There is no person not worthy enough to be used in a powerful way by God. She was good in that she did what was right in the eyes of Him.

What does that mean? I don’t know but what I do know is that this time of year is not about bashing other people for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. What is the significance in that? What about loving our fellow-man unto death, as Jesus did? Yes, I believe He was God but I also believe that He is not into the traditions of man and is more into helping those in need.

This time of year can help us reflect on the One who has revealed His love and compassion on ALL  of His people. Not to stop there but to let His spirit be stirred in our hearts so we will continue in that love all year-round.

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I am not one of those jolly Christmas, decorate everything, listen to Christmas music, bake tons of Christmas treats, (although I do love to bake but I do that all year-round) get a whole bunch of presents kind of person. I actually have a very hard time with Christmas. I am a Sheldon Cooper kind of Christmas person. http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/video/?pid=Ev_wyabffIU_09PlON45fBqRHFHpuJ87

I have been the Sheldon Cooper in my family for years.

I do believe the root of this has finally been discovered. And yes, it stems from my mom but I know she meant well and most kids would have loved what she did. One of the things my mother always told me was to never lie. “Two of the worst things you could ever do is lie and steal.”  It never occurred to her to say murder or something like that because she would never think of murder. How preposterous. So when a little girl told me that Santa was not real I almost ended up in a fist fight. My words to her were “my mother would never lie to me”. That night I was really upset and I asked my mom about it. She told me the truth. I was devastated.  How could my mother tell me never to lie and she had been lying to me all this time.

Other children didn’t seem to be so effected.

I on the other hand still have a little issue with this, only a little. It took quite a while to get over this, I had a problem with the great lengths my mother had gone to make me think Santa was real. She ate the candy and cookies we had put out for him and even wrote me notes saying “Thank you from Santa”. One year she had her brother dress as Santa and jingle bells outside my window to make me think he was there. After finding out the truth I was very upset.

I know it sounds ridiculous but in my mind she had lied.

Not just lied but had gone even further. I vowed never to do that to my children. I have been fixated on Christmas ever since and the truth behind it along with all the other holidays that are celebrated in the U.S.. I will never be snowed again! I have been teaching our children all about the holidays in December. I share with them why we do a Christmas tradition and what it means to us. I share with them that not all people celebrate the way we do and it’s ok. I try to educate them on other beliefs and their holidays and traditions. I have shared with them about Santa being make-believe and we have fun with it. I also have made it very clear to them not to tell other children that Santa does not exist, I do not want my children to be the one who devastates another child.

I am getting much softer though, I really enjoy spending time with David and the kids.

I enjoy their excitement when they get presents and open them up. I do love to see people get gifts and be happy. I am not all together a Scrooge. But I do have issues with the Christian faith taking this holiday and making it into something that it is not. I don’t have a problem with people having trees, decorating, and buying gifts. I do have a problem when as a church the spirit of giving is only emphasized during this time instead of all year-round. Like I said I have a fixation now with the truth of Christmas and I am baffled at the so many Christians who do not know the truth behind it.

I wouldn’t have a problem if they called it what it is – a “tradition”.

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