Mind Retrofit

Archive for December, 2009

After writing about the holiday season, I  have discovered yet another root of my issue with Christmas and holidays. Lack of routine. No matter how hard I try when October comes my routine gets all out of whack. Though I am at peace and there is a strange calmness, there is a constant state of anxiety. Weird? I start to anticipate what the next month brings and then the next. Nothing gets back to normal until after New Year’s.

Every one and everything starts to get chaotic.

People are having parties, going out-of-town, decorating their house inside and out. It’s like I can feel the changes that have been made in my neighborhood without even seeing it. (the electromagnetic spectrum is all out of whack around here) People feel different I feel this vibe in the air, not a bad one per se but something. It just does not feel like it normally does. I go through the same thing when summer starts. I just feel something different and it makes me unable to get into my normal routine the closer it gets to Thanksgiving and then Christmas.

I know Daniel goes through it too.

All of us do, I can even see it in the kids at church. They all start to get just a little bit wild right before Christmas, right before summer break and right before school starts again. Holidays brings an instability to everyone. Stores, churches, businesses, libraries etc.. They all start to change during these times and doing programs or parties or something that is not their normal routine.

People do not follow normal eating patterns, they tend to eat more sweets and so do their children.

I believe because of this everyone is much more edgy. They tend to eat out a lot more , not exercise like they normally would and not sleep regularly because of the other factors, I know that has an effect on their minds, bodies and spirits. Not to mention the added stress to get presents, see family, all the social events, along with trying to stay in the normal work, school, and home routine. Them being off makes me feel incredibly tense and REALLY unable to read any social cues.

I am usually a nervous wreck during holidays.

Any social skills I have are out the window during this time because there are too many sensory things going on and now I have the added heightened awareness of how my children are off. They are feeling my uneasiness, David’s and all of the other people too. All of the lights, colors, decorations, red and green colors that tend to be very bright, the crowds that are not usually there and everything else that is going. Now I understand why I do not want to leave my house from October to January. It actually had never occurred to me until now.

The days before Christmas were pretty rough around here.

Daniel had been waking up through the night the past two weeks, in not so pleasant ways and he was having melt downs throughout the week. The day before Christmas we spent about four hours trying to help him find his peace. He finally calmed down around bedtime but woke up through the night. Christmas morning he was happy as could be. Now going on the fourth day, he has been incredibly happy. He has been playing, talking, socializing and eating again. My theory is he was feeling all of this anticipation from all of us. I would even say I am the biggest problem here.

I need to work on my anxiety and finding ways to comfort myself to help everyone here feel a bit more at ease. Now I know and  will try to prepare for next year.

I am so incredibly happy these days, the problem is that I do not know how to express it or what it means. I have spent so much of my life feeling a pain in my heart, an ache that could not be healed that is the only thing I know. I used to turn to people, drinking, a make shift drug mix to keep me going on an energy boost, and then cleaned up and used God as my drug of choice. Now that I am no longer abusing, I really don’t know how to be me.

I guess that is what all of this is about.

My whole life I spent in confusion because of not fitting in, not understanding people and this world. Now that I have clarity about myself and see how I used so many things to try to escape or be able to cope I am kind of lost. I did start to take on my children as my identity, especially when Daniel was starting to get evaluations. I took on the heroic mother role but then as I started researching and learning about Daniel I was hit in the face and looking straight in the mirror.

I couldn’t escape — it was like God gave me a choice and said, “Do you really want to know the truth?”

I could easily escape and continue on the route of being heroic and deny who I was or I could embrace this new found information and finally understand who I was. I had to know the truth. I had to have answers. I had spent so long in such turmoil that I didn’t care how much pain it may bring me — I had to know. Most of all I had to be the mother who was going to love her son no matter what and if that took me facing myself, so be it.

Now here I am and feeling like I am in a peaceful limbo.

I used to do many things to try to medicate my pain. I would throw myself into work. I would throw myself into relationships. I would throw myself into books, music, drinking, clubbing, and also church, not at the same time. Anything to try to fill that place in me that felt, “if only I do this then I will be fine.” Nothing ever worked and I was still confused and hurt. When I became a Believer that left for a while, but just like any drug it slowly was not enough.

I had encountered the real God before I walked into church.

When I got to church they told me I was wrong and gave the image that closely resembled every church leader but not God. Now that I am pretty comfortable with my doubts and questioning God I feel much more at peace. He is perfectly fine with us questioning and challenging what we believe. In fact I would venture to say He would rather us do so. All of the stories shared in the Bible are about people who went against the grain and some even challenged God. Huh, you don’t say.

A lot of my peace has come from understanding Asperger’s and grasping the truth that it is good to challenge things.

Here I am trying to find how to express my joy that God is actually ok with me wrestling with who and what people say He is. I am not crazy after all these years of feeling like I was insane — I finally know that I am not. I just think differently than most people and that is a good thing. I have finally found out who I am but now I am in the process of understanding what that means. Even though this may sound like an unstable place I am more stable than I have ever been and I am excited to see how I turn out. We all know it will be a lifetime process but now I am not fighting against myself and now I can help my son find himself and love himself a lot sooner.

One of my life long prayers has been for Him to heal my mind, He did more than heal me, He gave me the answers that revealed that I didn’t need healing at all. I am who He fully intended me to be.

This is the second half of my Christmas issue. I did have a long elaborated version but as I read it, I realized that it seemed very negative and kind of attacking of Christians and I really don’t mean to do that.

I do have issues with the rant that people go on claiming that Christmas is all about Jesus, however it seems that their life is not truly reflecting the spirit of Christ. I really have a problem with people demanding that everyone say “Merry Christmas” when they do not celebrate Christmas. There are other beliefs in the world and in the U.S. we are supposed be the melting pot of all cultures and beliefs. We are supposed to be a country that defends the freedom of others, so my question is, why would I demand anyone to celebrate the way I celebrate a holiday?

When one does their research they would see that this time of year is not actually when Jesus was born.

I have a real problem with people stating that Jesus was born at Christmastime and then demanding that this whole holiday season stems from an accurate Biblical account. I have a problem with people making it a religious issue when back in the day the Christians were just trying to make a new holiday to counteract the pagan celebration.

If you are a Christian then why aren’t you celebrating all year-round? I share the story of Jesus birth all year-round and emphasize  the importance of what we believe about God coming to dwell among us. The importance of that story to our family is that God cared so much to give us Jesus as a person to show us that He was not a cruel unloving God, but that He actually cared.

The Laws were too demanding and caused those who fulfilled them, at least outwardly, to be self-righteous.

The heart of the story of Jesus birth, is God is not far away but close, here, moving in us and through us. It isn’t about a name – Jesus wasn’t even his Jewish name – it’s about understanding that God does not forget about those in poverty, those who are orphaned, or widowed. The story of God sending an angel to a virgin makes me think that God sees the significance in everyone. There is no person not worthy enough to be used in a powerful way by God. She was good in that she did what was right in the eyes of Him.

What does that mean? I don’t know but what I do know is that this time of year is not about bashing other people for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. What is the significance in that? What about loving our fellow-man unto death, as Jesus did? Yes, I believe He was God but I also believe that He is not into the traditions of man and is more into helping those in need.

This time of year can help us reflect on the One who has revealed His love and compassion on ALL  of His people. Not to stop there but to let His spirit be stirred in our hearts so we will continue in that love all year-round.

I am not one of those jolly Christmas, decorate everything, listen to Christmas music, bake tons of Christmas treats, (although I do love to bake but I do that all year-round) get a whole bunch of presents kind of person. I actually have a very hard time with Christmas. I am a Sheldon Cooper kind of Christmas person. http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/video/?pid=Ev_wyabffIU_09PlON45fBqRHFHpuJ87

I have been the Sheldon Cooper in my family for years.

I do believe the root of this has finally been discovered. And yes, it stems from my mom but I know she meant well and most kids would have loved what she did. One of the things my mother always told me was to never lie. “Two of the worst things you could ever do is lie and steal.”  It never occurred to her to say murder or something like that because she would never think of murder. How preposterous. So when a little girl told me that Santa was not real I almost ended up in a fist fight. My words to her were “my mother would never lie to me”. That night I was really upset and I asked my mom about it. She told me the truth. I was devastated.  How could my mother tell me never to lie and she had been lying to me all this time.

Other children didn’t seem to be so effected.

I on the other hand still have a little issue with this, only a little. It took quite a while to get over this, I had a problem with the great lengths my mother had gone to make me think Santa was real. She ate the candy and cookies we had put out for him and even wrote me notes saying “Thank you from Santa”. One year she had her brother dress as Santa and jingle bells outside my window to make me think he was there. After finding out the truth I was very upset.

I know it sounds ridiculous but in my mind she had lied.

Not just lied but had gone even further. I vowed never to do that to my children. I have been fixated on Christmas ever since and the truth behind it along with all the other holidays that are celebrated in the U.S.. I will never be snowed again! I have been teaching our children all about the holidays in December. I share with them why we do a Christmas tradition and what it means to us. I share with them that not all people celebrate the way we do and it’s ok. I try to educate them on other beliefs and their holidays and traditions. I have shared with them about Santa being make-believe and we have fun with it. I also have made it very clear to them not to tell other children that Santa does not exist, I do not want my children to be the one who devastates another child.

I am getting much softer though, I really enjoy spending time with David and the kids.

I enjoy their excitement when they get presents and open them up. I do love to see people get gifts and be happy. I am not all together a Scrooge. But I do have issues with the Christian faith taking this holiday and making it into something that it is not. I don’t have a problem with people having trees, decorating, and buying gifts. I do have a problem when as a church the spirit of giving is only emphasized during this time instead of all year-round. Like I said I have a fixation now with the truth of Christmas and I am baffled at the so many Christians who do not know the truth behind it.

I wouldn’t have a problem if they called it what it is – a “tradition”.

I have a very long post waiting to be published about Christmas but I am saving it for a day when I am not so intense about it. There are many things about Christmas that bother me and I wrote that post talking about those things.

This post will reflect my joy about Christmas, kind of.

I have come around a bit when it comes to this time of year, the main reason is my children. I do love seeing them get excited and enjoy all of the decorations at Grammy’s house and the houses in neighborhoods. I take delight in their shouts of “Oh, my gosh Mom look at that!” It really makes me smile to hear them.

My kids have softened my heart quite a bit.

In another post I had shared that it was in the last several years that we had gotten a Christmas tree. I actually had no intention of ever getting a tree or decorations of any sorts. David managed to convince me otherwise and as the kids have gotten older they have shown such an interest that I caved. I do not like to decorate, I do not like having to put ornaments and lights on the tree. We got a fake tree because there is no way I can handle a real one.

I can’t take the overwhelming smell of pine among other things.

David puts the tree together for me and would put on the lights but I have to take them off every time and redo them so it is pointless and I just do it. Even though I really dislike doing it and find it to be the worst part of the whole tree thing. For some reason it just sends me into sensory overload and by the time we put on the ornaments I am grouchy and angry and just want to be done.

I try really hard to be happy so the kids can enjoy the decorating process but it is hard.

Every year I get a little better so maybe by the time they are teens I will enjoy the decorating process, maybe. I am already feeling overwhelmed but excited at the same time. I can’t wait for Christmas morning but then I also have this dread because no matter how hard I try I still get hit with sensory overload and have to fight checking out in my zone for the rest of the day.

Daniel has a hard time too.

He loves the presents and last year he really got involved. But the day is completely off and he is hit with sensory overload as well. I will do my best to help both of us ahead of time. Hopefully both of us will be able to enjoy the whole day and the whole family.

I never even thought about numbers being apart of my life. I didn’t realize how much of an obsession they are for me. Well if you want to call it an obsession, I am not sure what to call it. I never even thought of it really until I watched a movie recommended by a friend. It is called “Mozart and the Whale” and it is about people with Asperger’s. A bit more than that but I will write my take on the movie on another post. I wanted to show an example of the main character with numbers because that is exactly what David does. Here is the trailer:http://video.filestube.com/video,c34ca9210081df6203ea.html

I on the other hand, have a different thing with numbers.

David likes odd numbers but I like even numbers. I want everything to even out. As I watched the movie it hit me that I too have a number thing. In all honesty I thought the number thing was a stereotype and found it offensive sometimes but now I realize there may be something to it and it is not all the same. I like to count by multiples of 2 or 5 and I find myself counting all the time. I try not to but I will catch myself counting as I am cooking dinner, putting lessons together, at a grocery store I will count the cans or boxes in the isles as I straighten them or take mental note of how many they have on the shelf and try to figure out if I will need to buy them all because they may be out next time I come.

If I hear an odd number I will divide it in my head until I get it to be even such as 17, I will think 8.5 and then I can move on.

If I cannot get it to even out I try to focus on something else and try to let it go. When I was a child I played with cards by myself a lot. I didn’t know how to play solitaire so I made up my own games. I would match the numbers, divide them, sort them by number, shape, or color. I would mess them up and see how quickly I could put them back in order from smallest to greatest and vice verse. I would flip them over and then add together whatever numbers would pop up and keep going until I got to the end of the deck. I like addition most and steer away from subtraction, though that is virtually impossible.  Weird?

I count stairs when I walk up or down them.

I count the squares in the tiles of my home, stores, and side walks. I will count the lines in sidewalks. I find shapes anywhere and try to see how many different shapes I can find. When I worked at a retail store, I would count the reflection of the lights on the floor and see how fast I could count them down an aisle. I still do this sometimes when I am in a store. When I worked in the retail store, I memorized the sku’s of all the departments that I worked. I was promoted to the receiving department, which involved all of the departments, so I memorized the storage rooms for back stock, the lay out and the sku’s that each isle began with. I worked in a check cashing store and was surrounded by numbers and counting. I had to have everything in numerical order, I loved it. Although when I am under stress I tend to transpose numbers which caused some issues.

I see numbers in color.

When I think of numbers some of them have colors and some of them don’t. When I think of 0 I see clear or white, the number 2 is yellow, the number 5 is red, the number 6 is blue, the number 9 is black , the number 23 is green. Some of them are in difficult colors to explain, like the number 7 is something like a shining gold and the number 8 is like indigo. I don’t really know how to explain it. Some numbers have nothing like the number 4 I don’t really see anything. I also like to say certain numbers, I like the way they feel in mouth as they come out, like 16 and 18. No reason that I know of.

I never even thought of other people thinking about numbers or not thinking about them.

It is just what my brain does and I don’t think about it. I do tend to stare at license plates and add the numbers together or figure out if they say something. The funny thing is I can’t memorize those, I can’t memorize phone numbers, I can’t remember birthdays and that is why I have them all written down in my calendar so I won’t forget. David and I both forget our anniversary and it’s ok. I find that so strange that I can remember the sku’s of a huge retail store but not even my anniversary. Huh?

I see this awareness of myself as a good thing.

Now I can be more sympathetic toward our children if I notice it in them and help them to use it for their benefit like I did at work. Those kinds of things got me promoted and it helped me to be a very good employee. I have used it to teach the kids about shapes and counting. David uses his gift as well to teach the kids to see how math is in everything and it is nothing to be afraid of but to embrace. A lot of people say “I am not good at math” but we all use it everyday. I never noticed how math was such a huge part of our life, until I met David and what’s even funnier is I used to say “I am not good at math”. I am not good at school math I am good with using and living math, embracing the numbers and shapes.

Daniel has been doing great with letting go of the bottle. He has been doing much better playing with others, learning how to use his words, participating in many activities and many other things. But with great progress comes other issues. All of these new adventures for him is just too much sometimes. He was doing amazing and has been just so happy.

Then came Thanksgiving Day.

I wasn’t really thinking about how that day would effect Daniel. I was just looking forward to a day where David was with us all day long. I was looking forward to not being the only parent and being able to get a little help for the day. I was looking forward to not having to having to do everything all day long. The problem is that is a made up scenario in my head. I always imagine that day, whenever David takes a day off. That is always what I picture and it never turns out that way. I have images of David and the kids playing and me being able to join in or take a break and everyone is happy and laughing.

A grand family day.

It never works out that way and I don’t know why I always think it will. David has no clue to the routine we have going on here and he doesn’t even think to help me out with breakfast, getting the kids their drinks, sitting and talking to them, taking care of the situation when they begin to have a dispute and the many other things that go on. It’s not his fault he has a certain plan in his head as well. He just wants to play games. There is no way to get him out of it, that is his script for holidays and he is obsessed with it.

So it should be no surprise that Daniel had a very rough day and still has not recovered.

I ended up cooking all day long, I don’t even know how I ended up doing that. David spent the day trying to play games with the kids. Our whole routine was off and Daniel couldn’t function. He got angry and had many meltdowns, he was extremely angry with me and I had no idea why. It didn’t dawn on me until the next day that he got out of sync because of the day before. He is not used to David being downstairs all day and not working, he is not used to me being in the kitchen all day, the meals were off a little, I was off because  I was cooking and still trying to take care of the regular things of the day.

It just wasn’t pleasant for me or Daniel that day.

Actually for anyone. David was having a hard time because he is used to working all day and the kid situations are sometimes very stressful for him. He has AS traits too so there are a lot of dynamics that goes on when he is taking a break from work. He was looking forward to a break too. Ariel and Joshua were looking forward to having Daddy all day long. We all did it, we all made scripts in our minds and the day did not play out the way we expected. Although it was not a bad day, there were many good moments. The reason I say it wasn’t pleasant is because it was so stressful. Even Ariel and Joshua were off.

I tried to prepare him but all of us had certain scripts in our minds that just did not happen.

After over a week of him having meltdowns and anger outbursts, it is rather tiring. However, it is nothing like it used to be and I need to keep my focus on how much better he is and how he is learning to help himself. He used to go through this all day long, months at a time. I would only have a few days or maybe one where he was able to to communicate, play, be happy and now it is the other way around. He is having a rough week but I know it won’t be much longer and I am so thankful that now when he is going through this it doesn’t last nearly as long and he is able to bounce back and end up having a great day.

I wish I could bounce back just as quickly, but I am getting better with this too.