Now that I have had my couple weeks of full blown anxiety, I am going full circle into feeling like I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to email anyone. I want to stay in my house isolated from everyone. I am alright with David, the kids, and my mom but everyone else, the thought is just numbing. I have done this my whole life and now I see the pattern but I still don’t know how to deal with it.

I force myself to go out and be around people.

However, inside I am just numb. I start having thoughts like “that person doesn’t really want to be my friend, they are only doing it because they have to”.  Or with my family members, who do have contact with me “they are only doing it because we are related”. Another thought that goes through my head is about the family members who I do not have a lot of contact with, “they don’t care about me they never have”. So when they do contact me for some reason the thoughts I have are “why are they contacting me, what do they want?” “They must be up to something, they want to mess with me.”

It is a fine line between paranoia and anxiety.

Deep in my mind I do not believe these thoughts and I do really care about these people. I love my friends and family, but situations in the past pop up that give reasonable evidence for me to think these things. I wish I could just be friends with people and not feel that they HAVE to talk to me or that for some reason they HAVE to be my friend. I wish I didn’t want to cut people off, but I do believe I have valid reasons for doing so. I have been hurt and made a fool of quite often in my life by people who have claimed to love me or be my friends and this does not exclude family.

There are certain family members who have caused me a great deal of pain and I am just unable to trust their words or actions.

I know in the past I have lost friends because of me not trusting them or not believing that they really wanted to be my friend. I know I do this to protect myself but I don’t know how to stop it. There have been times when I have cut family members off too. I do not feel bad about it, even though there is something telling me I should. I just get numb and the only way to describe it is there is like a retractable wall  in my brain. It goes down after I am in the middle of my anxiety cycle, all of the sudden any feelings or emotions I had are gone and I feel nothing. Then after about a week of this it goes back up and I have my feelings and emotions back. At the beginning of this cycle, my emotions and feeling are heightened. I am super sensitive to people’s actions and words.

Am I the only one who does this?

I feel so alone when it comes to this, David and my mom have this ability, where when they are done with people, they are done. They seem to be able to say whether a person is good or bad for them and if they feel they are bad for them they cut them off and are fine with it. I can’t do that, even though I may go through a cycle of being numb toward them, I still feel guilt about it and then when I come back around it’s like I try to compensate for my actions and they have no idea I even felt this way. I go over and over the situations of the past weeks, scanning my words, actions, behaviour, everything and I have to talk my way out of the wrong thinking.

Does anyone else know what I am talking about?

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