Anxiety-No Boundries
I have attempted to write about anxiety for the past week. So far I have three other posts waiting to be published. I could write about this topic forever. My anxiety has been my closest “friend” since I can remember. I have struggled with it my whole life and it has no boundaries. It hits me whenever or wherever. It doesn’t just happen in unexpected situations it is a constant part of my being. I still have anxiety with family functions. Every Sunday when we go to church I still have a knot in my stomach. When I have to go to the store I still have this moment where I have to talk to myself and get myself pumped up to go. I have gotten to the point where I have eliminated virtually any reason to use a phone.
I prefer the form of communication to be via email.
I wish I could have had that growing up. I remember holidays and I did enjoy spending time with family but I also had those moments where I just wanted to escape. My mom’s side of the family is small and we didn’t do much family activities. They were not huggers, they were not loud, it was pretty much come over, eat, sit and watch tv. I would go play by myself in another room and I was fine with that. My dad’s side of the family is huge. The house would be crowded, loud, laughing, music, fighting, jokes that I didn’t understand, kids every where and hugging. All the hugging. There was a part of me that loved it and a part of me that hated it. But when given the choice I always chose to go to dad’s family.
They were more entertaining and my aunts were only 5 and 6 yrs older than me, so I had people to hang out with.
I still have anxiety about family events. Since we have moved a long distance away I haven’t really been apart of the family events for a several years. It is good and bad, I miss my family but to be honest the dynamics just makes me extremely stressed out just thinking about it. The last family function I attended was my sisters wedding. I went into a full blown panic we had to drive two hours to get there, in the parking lot I was hyperventilating and couldn’t calm down. My aunt and David thankfully helped calm me down and no one knew.
There are a lot of reasons for my panic but it will make this post too long if I go into them.
Now I have even more venues for my social anxiety like online social networks. I really shouldn’t have anything to do with them but I feel I must to stay connected with my family and my few friends. However, I have a whole new set of anxiety to go along with it. I find myself being obsessed about what to post and when I do post I find myself obsessing about what others will think. Or if someone comments on my post that others will think that I think the same way that person does when I may not. I get hit with other things too like being offended.
My sisters never wished my children happy birthday and it was right there for them to see.
I remember their birthday’s and their children’s birthday’s but they couldn’t even wish my kids happy birthday? Then I start to think what have I done to upset them. Why don’t they care about me or my family? The questions go on and on, they flood my mind and then I get to the point of who cares. They don’t care about me, we are half sisters anyway why would they care about me. Then I come full circle and say well I will just let it go it isn’t that big of a deal anyway. Then there are all of the posts or comments that I don’t understand.
I think they are jokes but then I am not sure, I have to ask David.
I know when my anxiety is taking over, I understand the causes, I comprehend that a lot of it is made up but I can’t stop it. It takes hold of my mind and I am sitting there dueling with my brain. Using my reason and explaining to myself that, for instance, there is no reason for you to be worried about calling your dad on the phone, or there is no reason for you to start to hyperventilate because you are walking into the grocery store, it’s going to be ok when we go to a church event. However, I feel my mind racing, the sweat forming, my heart pounding, the invisible hands around my throat that is taking away my breath, and me talking a mile a minute.
I don’t know what it’s like not to have this be a part of me.
There are maybe a handful of people close to me who know this about me and they are the ones who help me. They talk me through it, they tell me I am not crazy, they help me get to the point where I am calm again and able to do what I need to do. The funny thing is I have been able to hide this so well that I have been able to work in places as an executive in a retail chain, a staffing executive, leadership rolls in church, I have done numerous volunteer outings, I have gone out socially and have led a seemingly normal life. People have no idea on the inside I am full of fear and on the verge of panic. I am able to hold it all in until I get home or in a safe place and then I have my moments of needing to stim, if I don’t I cry, I get angry, I am irritable, I go up and down then come out of it.
I have learned my limits and now I keep to those limits as much as possible.
I am not willing to have myself or my family suffer for the sake of socializing. I will do what I can and when I know that I am going to have a lot of social interaction I prepare myself as much as possible. I do enjoy being with people I just don’t enjoy trying to read them, trying to understand them, trying to fit in with them. I do think I need to stay off of the social networking for a while though it has caused me a lot of anxiety. 
Tags: anxiety, Asperger's, autism spectrum, emotions, melt downs, social skills
